It's Harder Than Last Time

I'm pretty frustrated these days.  Not because I'm failing at re-committing to a healthy lifestyle - I'm not failing.  But oooh, it's so much harder than last time.

Here's the last 2 months of MFP weight updates (because I started logging everything faithfully oh, about October 7, when my first DietBet started).  I had a really nice, quick drop at the beginning as water weight fell off, but then leveled off and am now bouncing up as much as bouncing down.  And they're big bounces!

 

Last time, I blissfully continued along the path and losing slowly was no problem - maybe because I knew that I was "on my way to a better, more healthy lifestyle."  I don't remember it bothering me as much as now.  We went out to dinner Saturday night and I had miso ramen soup.  My weight went up 2 pounds the next morning.  OK, I also had some froyo.  But not 7,000 calories worth.

I get it.  It's called salt. And after something like that, I'll have to be extra special diligent and careful - for multiple days as the retained water slowly ratchets back off.

But shitfuckdamn.  Look at the second picture above.  That's how much weight I've lost in the last month.  3.8 pounds.  And that includes the big drop I've had this morning.  So, basically, I'm trying to eat 1240 calories a day - - and I'm essentially maintaining.  I'm working out hard 5-ish days a week, just so that I can earn a drink to have at dinner, or a little space to have something enjoyable.

Here's where I got into trouble this time last year.  I started to think that I had room for judgement.  The guy in the cube next to me has a jar with tootsie roll lollipops.  I must confess that I had one.  Then later (I confess), I had one every day.  When I went to the grocery store, I bought a cookie for me.  I thought I had space for something like that.

Which is where I start struggling.  When I lose the weight (again), and get back to, say 185, which is where I suspect I'll live, (even though  it's technically still overweight) - there isn't going to be space.  I don't get to splurge every day.  I don't have that balancing mechanism that skinny people have, that naturally slows down for a few days after a splurge.  I am going to have to it consciously, willfully.

AND - this is really annoying.  Back last year, when I thought I had space to live like I want to, I remember thinking that I'm not naturally an active person.  Getting thinner didn't magically turn me into someone that WANTS to go jogging at night.  So, I indulged my desire to skip days, or even week(s) of working out.  Note to self.  Can't do that.

Which is why I'm struggling now. I'm not going to be able to live like I want to live.  I'm going to have to consciously keep track of what I'm eating, what I weigh and how I exercise.  It makes sense, but it really pisses me off right now.  I think this is one of the stages of bargaining - which also pisses me off.  I have to work really, really hard to lose this freakin' 35 pounds I put on when I wasn't paying attention - and then I'm going to have to continue to work just to maintain it.  Blah!  Blurg! Poop!!

So-This is Working!-ish

My 4-week DietBet ends tomorrow.  It's my first DietBet - and it's difficult!

The challenge is to lose 4% in a month, which is standard in a month-long DietBet.  I sandbagged a little at the beginning, weighing in for the first time in the afternoon, after a weekend of food and drink related debauchery.  210 point something.

It cost $30, I think.  254 other people are doing it as well, making a pot of $7,950 to be split among all the winners.  If half of us make the 4% goal, we'll each get a little over $60.

I've never done this before, but I've been bumping along, eating and drinking too much, feeling like a failure, waiting for the thing that would make that 'click' happen.  And this was it!

My body isn't used to dieting.  It was so easy last time, to lose 75 pounds.  But this time, the goal is to lose 8 pounds in 4 weeks, meaning about 1200 calories per day.  Before, I was eating about 1350/day and that was do-able.  1200?  Not so much.  So I'm using workouts to earn enough calories to not feel like I'm starving.  And there's no room for slips or a day off.  It feels like a "diet."  It's not fun and I'm glad that it will be over in about 24 hours.

But it has gotten me back into the groove of tracking everything I eat again, which is good.  It's gotten me back into the habit of doing some form of exercise just about every day.  It's training me and my live-in guy that we don't have to eat the same thing and the world doesn't end.  All good things.

I'll be strict for another 24 hours and then submit my weigh in for the 4-week DietBet, and I'm through with that.  But I'm also in a 6-month DietBet, where the goal is to lose 10%.  That one is $25 PER month, and takes me through April, I think.  If I succeed there, I'll be back to 187.7.  A do-able goal - which will take me through the holidays.

This reminds me of the challenges we all did.  I still have most of you in my feed, and I see that Nanette, Jo, and Angela Pea are still around.  Glad you're here!

I was awfully smug last year when I was at 175 - thinking that I'd solved the problem of me being fat.  Sooo - it turns out that this isn't binary, diet or no diet.  I will have to manage this and think about it for the rest of my life.  I guess that's what maintenance IS!

Last weekend we went to a pumpkin carving party and I was a little loose about what I ate and drank.  When I weighed later that evening, I found that I'd gained 7 POUNDS from the morning.  I definitely didn't eat over 10,000 calories, so that's how I learned that I'm going to have to be extra diligent.  OK then.  That's what I'll do.

If I'm going to succeed at this, another thing I'm going to have to learn is how to put myself first.  The world will wait while I work out.  Serving dude dinner on time is not as important as me taking care of myself.  Sorry dude.  That's the way it will have to be.

Anyway.  I'm back.  A bit humbler than last year.  Doing it again.

Starting but not from the start

Today I’m going to try and start this thing going again.  

What have I done differently today than last week?

-          I’ve joined 2 DietBets.  One is for a month and the other is for 6 months.  I’m hoping that money in the game will make me more serious about this.

What am I going to do differently:

-          No  more eating in the car.

-          Attempt to start meditating again, need to be able to feel my feelings instead of trying to cover them with food.

-          Physical activity every day (or 5/7 days of the week).  

-          I have to make myself a priority rather than feeling guilty about taking time for myself.

What went wrong:

-          This is quite a bit longer, and I’ll spread it out over several posts.  I think that the struggles started when I started to think of my food and exercise choices as optional.  Since I’m still unable to “feel” my feelings, a trip to the butcher for meat ended up with a cookie in the car on the way to the next thing.  Which evolved into 2 cookies, and then going to the butcher for cookies. 

-          There’s a lag between behavior changing and waistline growing, so I thought I could get away with it. Until 175 pounds turned to 180, then 185, and onward.  Each week I would think that a good, clean week or two would get rid of the weight.  Except that I could only put together a good, clean DAY or two.  And the next week would start a pound or two heavier than the last week.

-          Now I’m 208-ish and no longer a week or two away from 175.  As my pants have gotten tighter, I’ve made excuses, changed my expectations.  And all along there’s this feeling of doom.  That I’ve failed and the inevitable result is me back at 275.

-          So, line in the sand, yadda, yadda, yadda. 

-          Here I am again.  Starting, but not from the start.

Hello - Is This Thing On?

Looks like I haven't written here in over a year!

I notice that a few dear weight loss folks have started regular blogging again - and that has inspired me to do it also!!  Just have to figure out how to post via email, or something.  I'll figure it out.

For now, this is a test - and a big shout out to Mary (OMG!) and Nanette!!  I'm reading you, I care, and I'm coming back too!!