Looks Bad but Feels So Good

181.2 this morning.  The weekend's debauchery caught up with me and I went up a pound.  Still seesawing around the same 2 pounds, up and down.  But still, it's 83 pounds less than I was today last year, and really close to my goal of <170. I'm still going down - just very slowly.

I started Allan's challenge this morning and have been good so far.  After I post this, I'm going to elliptical for 30 minutes in front of the TV (soccer practice was cancelled due to rain).  Next Monday I'll start Rebecca's challenge.  I'm going to give these things my all - and wherever I end up at the end of the year will mark the end of my "weight loss" phase and the beginning of my "maintenance" phase.  185 is the lowest I was ever able to maintain as an adult (15 years ago!).  I'm going to try hard to get 15 pounds below that, into *normal* weight category for my height - but I don't really expect to be able to maintain it long term below 185.

So - I've been thinking about buying myself some rewards.  Here's what I got today - some f*** me pumps and a red fitted dress! From Target!  The pumps make me look like a bad girl - and I love it!!

Here's how I'll probably really wear it. With leggings, and a sweater.

Finally, here are the pictures I took when I started Princess Dieter's Christmas Dress Challenge last year.  These were taken on September 1st, 2011... If anything, I'm holding my tummy IN, because those pants were so tight last year.  (I gave them away a few months ago - too big.)

Or these pictures...

Pretty horrible.  I still have a substantial ass, but now at least, it doesn't have it's own zip code!

So what was the magic thing that worked?

First, I had a reason to lose weight.  I was 45 years old, and was/am a volunteer firefighter in an aging neighborhood.  We get multiple calls every week because someone has fallen down and can't get up.  Can you imagine falling down and having to call 911 because you can't lift yourself from the floor?  After seeing it so many times, I realized that that will be me in 20 years if I don't get healthier.

At 276 pounds (or 264, which is where I started the CDCC), I couldn't think about being 170 pounds.  I had to think about being 10 pounds lighter than I was.  I always focused on the next 10 pounds.  Only that.

I used myfitnesspal to log every bite I ate and every workout I did.  I didn't cheat. Ever. Oh yeah, I had a few unplanned excursions - but it was a few in 9 months. Not a few every month.  The feature in myfitnesspal that says at the close of the day, "If every day is like today, you'll weigh xxx pounds in 5 weeks," kept me visualizing myself at xxx pounds.  It really helped.

I read weight loss blogs like some people read the bible.  I used other people's experiences to help maintain my strength to continue.  I tried to read people who were better at it than me and avoid people who were not succeeding. I spent endless hours on Pinterest, in the fitness category.  It made me feel like it was possible to win at this.

And finally, I realized that my weight was about more than putting food in my mouth.  Being fat was a symptom of something else, like not being able to handle feelings, or some junk like that.  I took a mindfullness based stress reduction class and learned how to meditate.  I started therapy to try and address the reasons why I ate.  Therapy is why I think I might not fall back into using food for comfort. That, and meditation.  And exercise.

I'm not at the end yet!  But last week when I was 179, I was 10 pounds away from my goal.  Last year, I pooh poohed people who participated in the CDCC when they were so close to goal weight. And now I'm one of them.  I'm still thinking 10 pounds ahead of where I am now - but now that 10 pounds will get me to goal!

Fluids

180.4 this morning.  A lot of eating and drinking in the last few days, and more to come today and tomorrow.  I guess I'm clearing out to get ready to start Allan's challenge.

Yesterday was the racetrack at Saratoga and then the Washington County fair.  I love county fairs! and especially love fried dough, which I haven't had in years. So I split one with someone and that was dinner (as in nothing else for dinner).  Last night was a birthday dinner for a friend in Saratoga at a restaurant that's the good kind, ie, the portions are small, but intensely flavored. Today is another party and tomorrow is a field trip to a distillery in the Hudson Valley south of here.

Next week I'm going to slow down and take some evenings to myself.  I'm camping over the weekend, but looking at Allan's menus, I think I can do them, even while camping.

I got invited to soccer practice Monday after work!  It's a big step forward - a year ago nobody would have considered me for a team because I was 100 pounds overweight. (Nobody considered me for social activities either, but that's another post.)  I won't be good at the soccer, but I sure won't get any better if I don't do it!  One of my big goals is to have a life where movement and exercise is a part of what I do, not something special that I have to set time aside to do.  Soccer with work peeps fits that goal perfectly.  So does working out lunchtimes at the work gym.

Here are some pics from last week's volunteer day for Habitat for Humanity.  I knew that was going to be my workout for the day, so I chose hard stuff to do.  Me and 2 guys went up on the roof to lay the plywood roofing.  After stuff gets glued and the plywood goes down, it needs to get slid into place.  With a sledgehammer.  That's me with the sledgehammer.  By the end of the day they were calling me Thor!

Then we hammer the plywood down.  I had blisters by mid-afternoon, and my knees were killing me.  I felt so in-shape during the day, so it was kinda a shock to see the pictures and notice that my arms and thighs still look big.  I guess they're always going to look big.

And then the group picture, where I frantically tried to comb my hair out with my hands and put on some lipstick.  Gotta try to look pretty for the camera!  It's pictures like this that end up on the company internal website so they can advertise how volunteer-oriented we are.

Finally, to the topic that this post is titled for.  Fluids.  When I get up, I make a pot of tea by putting 6 cups of water into my coffeemaker (I don't drink coffee), with a bag of Twinings English Breakfast tea in the carafe.  Twinings doesn't get bitter, so I don't need to take the bag out.  Coffee cups are 6 ounces, so one pot is 36 ounces.  I drink 2 of these before work.  Then I make another one when I get to work.  That means that most days I've had 3 x 36 ounces = 108 ounces of very weak tea before 10:30 am.  I do put in some light cream for flavor, but it's measured and I count the calories.  In the afternoons, I'll usually have a diet soda.  Yes, the diet soda is bad, but it's low on my list of bad habits to eliminate.  So I'm good on the water front! And it's a habit!

It's been 3 weeks since I've mowed my lawn, so I'm on my way out to tackle it now.  Then I'm going bicycle shopping with a work friend.  We plan to ride at lunchtimes, which will be another way to be more active.  Then later this afternoon is a potluck party.  If I have time this morning, I want to run, but right now the lawn is more important.  I did a free weight potpourri workout yesterday, so if I don't get the running in today, the world doesn't end.  Maybe I can fit it in after shopping and before the party. I'm a slow runner, so it's about an hour for me to run/walk/run/walk 4 miles.

Peace out, y'all!

Not Liking the Math of This

I read Allan's post this morning about starting another challenge and my first thought was, Cool! But then I thought, I only have 15 pounds to lose - 1200 calories per day is not enough for this girl who's in the homestretch of the weight loss thing.  I've lost my desire to suffer so much for the cause.

But then I did the math.  You see, I was busy with social things this weekend and ate too much.  This morning I was 183.0, up 1.5 pounds from 2 days ago.  14 pounds to lose x 3500 calories per pound = 49,000 calories total. 

If I want to be at goal by the end of the year, which is, um, let's say 4 months = 120 days away.  The math says that I must create a deficit of 49,000 calories divided by 120 days = 408 calories per day.  My scale says that my BMR is 1850 calories per day, so I'll have to go down to 1400-ish calories (net) to reach goal for New Year's Eve.

And then I looked at my progress since the beginning of July:
July 10 - 184.6 pounds
July 26 - 183.8
Aug 2 - 181.8
Aug 12 - 183.8
Aug 18 - 181.6
Aug 20 - 183.0

It's the famous gain and lose the same 2 pounds over and over again that I've been doing for the last 2 months! A grand total progress of ONE pound in almost 2 months!  Last week I was below 180 for a moment, and here I am after a nice 3 days of eating right back up at 183.

Allan's challenge starts next Monday.  Weight Wars' challenge starts on September 3rd.  I'm in for both of them and looking forward to the discipline.  Since I have no intention of slowing down on the social life, I'm just going to have to learn (or re-learn) the techniques that will get me to 169 in this lifetime. 

Who's coming along??

Coming up on a Year

I took some progress pictures last night as I went through my clothes (again!) and got rid of the too-big ones.  This time it's the size 16s that are too big.  I went back through my suits and got rid of some 20s and 22s that I just couldn't bear to donate before.  I'm pretty sure now that I'm not going to wear them ever again.  Firstly because I don't wear suits for work any more, and secondly, they are all waaay too big.

August 31st is the one-year anniversary of the first post on this blog.  I was 261 pounds.  This morning I am 181.6 (this week's low was 179.8), for 80 pounds lost in a year.

I put together a clashing outfit of Salvation Army clothes and then realized that I like the way it looks!

These pants are Levis' size 12!  That was my goal - to wear size 12s.  I'm still mostly in 14s, but am wearing Target jeans in size 12 and these Levis.

My starting pics aren't on this computer, but sometime in the next week or so I'll post the comparison shots to show how far I've come.  I weigh what I weighed 15-20 years ago!

I'm still doing a maintain-y - diet-y thing where I'm good most days of the week.  Last night was the first time in *ages* that I binged.  I just had to have nachos, even though I had perfectly good, healthy food at home.  I think it was because some of my friends are beginning to depend on me a little, and I'm uncomfortable with that.  A friend of mine is having brain surgery on Sept 10th and I think I'm going to step up and coordinate a group of us to make sure she always has someone with her for the first month, including food, etc, etc.  I've avoided entanglements like this, but really, it's something I need to do.  For her - and for my growth as a whole person.

Because my weight was only a symptom of what was going on inside me, I'm working with a therapist on  my relationships with people, finding good friends who I can be my real self with, opening up and trusting more, softening and opening my heart, and living in the present.  The therapist happens to be overweight herself, so she "gets" me that way.  Ultimate success in keeping my weight off is going to depend on allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling instead of stuffing it down.  So, yeah, I ate the nachos last night and I'm not down on myself for doing it.  I felt something I couldn't deal with without the help of food. It didn't even occur to me to work out instead of eating.  I understand more about myself today than I did yesterday, which will (maybe) help me avoid the binge next time.

Peace, y'all!

Get Fit, Feel Epic

I'm having a tough day back from camping, feeling very slow and tired, but still needing to get a lot done.  Ran errands, cleaned house, vacuumed the car out, got the dog from boarding, harvested tomatoes, peppers, basil and cucumber from the garden and ... collapsed into a nap.

Up from my nap and after a dinner of steak + salad greens + mandarin oranges + gorgonzola cheese, I'm catching up on blog reading and what do I find at WeightWars, but a challenge starting September 3rd!

It's here!

It's an 8-week challenge and you can win a fitbit!

It's a perfect time to start a challenge.  Fall is coming, I'm ready to tackle the last 10-ish pounds to get down to <170.  Most importantly, I want to get back into running regularly and make working out and exercise a part of my life this fall.  I'll have to set 5 SMART goals and update on progress.  She'll outline all the important stuff at the beginning of the challenge.

I'm so excited!!  The beginning of September will be a year since I started my final weight loss journey.  I was about 264 this time last year.  Now I'm 183-ish!  81 pounds lost in a year, 93 total so far!  Losing the last pounds is completely do-able in 8 weeks of concentrated, focused work - I'm thrilled to have the opportunity! 

Come join me!

Camping Damage

It wasn't bad!  I got back late last night after 10 days of camping and weighed myself this morning at 183.8.  Up 2 pounds from before I left.  I think that's an acceptable amount of damage.

Except for a ton of walking, I didn't exercise at all while I was gone.  I tried to moderate my intake, but as the week went on, I slowly got worse and worse.  This is a group that pops the first beer in the afternoon and the evenings are long and drink-y.  I ate as much as I wanted at dinners, and noticed that most nights I didn't stop when I wasn't hungry any more. I was concerned that the damage would be worse.

My first stop on the way home was to get gas - and fritos - and cashews - and other salty chips.  That's a familiar scenario over the years.  I'm not sure what I want, so I get a little of everything.  The passenger seat is covered with food.  I noticed it (of course, after I bought all that crap), and allowed myself SOME of the food.  I noticed that my belly was full as I was feeding myself chili cheese fritos and managed to put them far-ish away (as far away as one can put something while in a car).  I threw the bags away without eating all of the yummy stuff that's so bad for me.  Small success.

I haven't run in several weeks.  My excuse is that it's steamy hot outside and both of the gyms I can use to work out in air conditioning have broken A/C.  Poor excuse.  Really, I just don't feel like doing it.  I didn't bring running clothes with me camping.  I guess I thought it wouldn't be possible to run.  But many other people did - and so next year I'll bring running gear with me.  I'm giving myself one last day off and I'll get back on the working out bandwagon tomorrow.  The clothes are packed already.

Here's a picture of me taken Friday. The group I was camping with is a medieval reenactment crowd, so I'm dressed in a faux middle ages thing, wearing a red sash as a chirurgeon (first aid person) waiting for a battle to start. 

Peace y'all!

Dropped Off

We've all kinda dropped off from blogging lately.  I hope it doesn't mean anything about weight!  For me, it's mostly because they changed our security settings from work and I can't look at or post pictures, or comment on any blogs.  Also, I've been busy!  Doing work on my house and having a social life.

181.8 this morning. I'm getting used to my new body, realizing that this is probably what it's going to be.  My final goal is <170, and I'm gonna keep trying for that.  I'm doing this weird combination of dieting and not dieting - most days I do pretty well, but about 2 nights a week there's restaurant meals where I have zero self control.  Those two meals pretty much blow the other 5 days of doing great.  I'm still losing, but slooowly.  I think I'll do a big push in the fall to get to 170 by the end of the year.

But I'm realizing that I look pretty OK now! Compared to what I looked like when I was 94 pounds heavier, you can't even see the last 12 pounds.  I'm getting used to the fact that I look like a normal person now.

I started this journey on September 1 last year!  I was 260-ish and desperate and somehow found Princess Dieter's blog (from a comment she made on a science-y weight loss blog).  I had no idea there were weight loss bloggers.  I'd never heard of a challenge.  I so, so, so, so so, so, so wanted Mir to let me be in the Christmas Dress Challenge, and she did!  And that was it!  That was the thing that made it finally work for me. I was 225 at Christmas, 200 at the end of the Easter challenge and now I'm 181.8.

I'm beginning to differentiate the feelings that make me want to stuff my face when I'm not hungry.  Understand is too strong a word, but I can at least see it happening now and don't mistake stuffing myself for taking care of myself. 

Next steps: keep on keeping on.  Continue to make exercise a part of my normal life.  I'm going on a 10-day camping trip tomorrow and I'm not terrified that I'm going to come back 10 pounds heavier.  We'll see how it goes, and I'll let you know.

Until then, peace y'all!