It's Harder Than Last Time

I'm pretty frustrated these days.  Not because I'm failing at re-committing to a healthy lifestyle - I'm not failing.  But oooh, it's so much harder than last time.

Here's the last 2 months of MFP weight updates (because I started logging everything faithfully oh, about October 7, when my first DietBet started).  I had a really nice, quick drop at the beginning as water weight fell off, but then leveled off and am now bouncing up as much as bouncing down.  And they're big bounces!

 

Last time, I blissfully continued along the path and losing slowly was no problem - maybe because I knew that I was "on my way to a better, more healthy lifestyle."  I don't remember it bothering me as much as now.  We went out to dinner Saturday night and I had miso ramen soup.  My weight went up 2 pounds the next morning.  OK, I also had some froyo.  But not 7,000 calories worth.

I get it.  It's called salt. And after something like that, I'll have to be extra special diligent and careful - for multiple days as the retained water slowly ratchets back off.

But shitfuckdamn.  Look at the second picture above.  That's how much weight I've lost in the last month.  3.8 pounds.  And that includes the big drop I've had this morning.  So, basically, I'm trying to eat 1240 calories a day - - and I'm essentially maintaining.  I'm working out hard 5-ish days a week, just so that I can earn a drink to have at dinner, or a little space to have something enjoyable.

Here's where I got into trouble this time last year.  I started to think that I had room for judgement.  The guy in the cube next to me has a jar with tootsie roll lollipops.  I must confess that I had one.  Then later (I confess), I had one every day.  When I went to the grocery store, I bought a cookie for me.  I thought I had space for something like that.

Which is where I start struggling.  When I lose the weight (again), and get back to, say 185, which is where I suspect I'll live, (even though  it's technically still overweight) - there isn't going to be space.  I don't get to splurge every day.  I don't have that balancing mechanism that skinny people have, that naturally slows down for a few days after a splurge.  I am going to have to it consciously, willfully.

AND - this is really annoying.  Back last year, when I thought I had space to live like I want to, I remember thinking that I'm not naturally an active person.  Getting thinner didn't magically turn me into someone that WANTS to go jogging at night.  So, I indulged my desire to skip days, or even week(s) of working out.  Note to self.  Can't do that.

Which is why I'm struggling now. I'm not going to be able to live like I want to live.  I'm going to have to consciously keep track of what I'm eating, what I weigh and how I exercise.  It makes sense, but it really pisses me off right now.  I think this is one of the stages of bargaining - which also pisses me off.  I have to work really, really hard to lose this freakin' 35 pounds I put on when I wasn't paying attention - and then I'm going to have to continue to work just to maintain it.  Blah!  Blurg! Poop!!