Friday Update

They changed our internet settings at work and now I can't blog from work.  I can't really complain since I'm supposed to be, um... working ... at work, instead of blogging.  Looks like my updates are going to be less frequent. 

Things are looking pretty good these days.  My emotional rollercoaster has calmed down recently - I wish I knew how much of it is/was hormones or chemical vs real stress.  I didn't meditate as much as I should, but I clung to exercise like it was my life preserver and I ate OK, mostly.  So I mostly stayed below 190, and the last few days have really been moving in the right direction.  185.4 this morning.

I've been wavering - should I work on maintaining, or should I try to lose to get to 170?  I've been more maintain-y than lose-y, and have been a little scared by my eating behavior.  No binges, per se, but I have had a complete lack of control at social events that feature potato salad, macaroni salad, cookies, cheeseburgers, etc, etc.  Any social event, really.  Every single one of those weight spikes in the last month have been because I ignored all the healthy eating behaviors, all the techniques that I know work.  I tried to eat like a normal person.

Here's what I learned from that.  I can't eat like a normal person.  I can't take as much as I want of everything that I want.  I need to have a "rule" to take the place of me deciding what to eat.  Here's what I'm going to try.  I can have potato salad or macaroni salad, but only a tablespoon or so.  That's  plenty for me to get a taste and have the salad "experience," without completely blowing my daily calories out of the water. Same with other creamy things.  For brownies and other dessert-y things.  Half.  I can have half of one piece. Veggies and fruits are basically free.  I can eat as much as I want.  Meats are mostly free, since they're loaded with protein, as long as they don't have creamy, cheesy stuff on top and as long as they're not fatty burgers.


For an update on the other issue I've been writing about - me and Dude got together, chatted about stuff and decided to try the FWB thing.  It's been a week and honestly, it feels better than when we were together.  There's much more space and less contact.  I feel like this is where we should have been a long time ago.  I know these things don't often work out well, but I'm working on making sure I keep my focus on things that add to my life, primarily cultivating friendships.  It's nice to have Dude not be a source of stress and uncertainty, at least for now anyway.

Thursday

188.4 this morning.  Still working off everything I ate last week.

A few things I read today are striking me pretty hard.  They both made me cry:

First, from A Small Loss, Mary writing about good it was to spend time with a good friend:  it's easy to forget what it feels like to be hungry - truly physically hungry, in need of fuel and energy ... not emotionally hungry and in need of love, comfort, support, whatever else

Next, from a new blog I discovered, called Deconstructing Yourself:
In mindfulness meditation we observe and explore our experience without trying to control, manipulate, or change it. One the first big insights for many of us is how much we try to control every aspect of our life. Everything from our relationships (and the people we have them with), to our bodily functions, to our meditation practice. There is control in the protective way we hunch our shoulders or tighten our jaw. There is control in the ways we hold back with the ones we love. Meditation reveals this to us and then gives us tools to deconstruct all the reasons we are holding on so tightly. Eventually the reasons matter less and less and we can truly begin to trust the process of being human. We see that the control we thought we had was imaginary anyway. That can be scary and even heartbreaking, but slowly it becomes a freedom that is complete and unconditional.

I know I feel bad.  The last month has been especially bad, but I think it started earlier.  The proof is the knots in my stomach and my inability to focus on anything constructive.  My rehashing of stuff and trying to figure out, What. Is. Going. On., when logically, my life is fine.  There's nothing really wrong ... except the knots in my stomach and a constant feeling of being on edge and tense.

So here it is.  It's control.  It's me trying to control stuff that can't be controlled.  It's me trying to figure stuff out. 

Again, from Deconstructing Yourself:
As you listen to the waves of mental talk, without interfering or getting stuck in the story, you will find it less necessary to defend yourself or to have the last word. You will be less susceptible to the urge to figure it all out. By letting go of the need to control everything, you will begin to touch into real freedom.
This freedom is not to be mistaken with apathy or laziness. There is a huge difference between not caring about anything and having acceptance with everything.  Letting go of control does not mean all your dreams and goals will magically manifest with no effort on your part. It will simply become clearer where you should direct your time and attention. The space that opens when you stop being so driven, creates energy and insight for the things that really matter to you.

Dude is trying to step back into my life, but I don't know what he's looking for (yet).  I've been trying to figure it out all week.  Going through all the options, possibilities, outcomes, imaginary conversations.  I've been trying to figure out what I feel, what I want to say.  I'm pretty wrapped and twisted around.

Then, today, I think I figured it out.  I've been looking past the tenseness and the knots in my stomach to try and figure out what I feel, but that's it.  They ARE how I feel. 

I didn't have the space to realize it until I spent last evening with some friends and relaxed, really relaxed, for a few hours.  I have 2 things coming up this weekend that I'm looking forward to, and 1 thing that I feel tense about.  You guessed it - Friday evening with Dude is the thing I feel tense about.

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know how I feel now. I can be happy about that, even if I'm not happy with much else.  A lot of good things come from awareness. It's a good place to start.

What I'm Afraid of

188.6 this morning - 1-1/2 pounds of last week's excess came off.

Here's a picture from April's fire.  I'm the only girl, at the fire and in the department. You can't tell in the picture, but my pants are hiked up because they kept falling down.

I ran/walked 3 miles at lunchtime yesterday, meditated for 15 minutes after work and went to fire drill after having a shrimp and salad dinner.  I've been avoiding fire drill for most of this year because some of the firefighters in my volunteer department are assholes and I don't enjoy spending time around them.  It wasn't so bad last night.

One of the things I like about being a volunteer firefighter is that when I'm there, I don't have this constant judgement in my head about what I "should" be doing to move myself towards the life I want.  When I'm doing firefighting stuff I'm present, in the moment.  The judging voice in my head is off. 

I woke up this morning more peaceful than I've been in a month, which is to say, about 1/3 as peaceful as I can be, just not completely upset and sad today - which is progress. It's funny how the only thing that changes in my life is how I look at it, and things can swing from hopeless and terrible to pretty OK, and then back to crappy.

Drazil wrote a list of the things that scare her and then challenged us to try it.  So I did. I don't like this exercise, but I'm gonna do it.  Maybe writing my fears will help me let go of them:

- I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and die alone.  I'm afraid that there's something inside me that's afraid of letting people be close to me.  I'm afraid that I push people away without realizing it, even though my greatest wish is to be part of a loving family. Love and loss are tied so closely together for me  that I can't think of being in love without also thinking about the end of love.  I want laughter and energy and people in my life, not this poopy kind of alone, tense sadness.

- I'm afraid that the lyme disease I had last summer messed with my head and I'm not a happy person any more. I'm afraid I'm going to go through the rest of my life being a sad, downer person just faking being happy so people will like me. I'm afraid I'm never going to feel pure joy again.

- I'm afraid this summer is going to end up being the second sad/bad summer in a row.

- I'm afraid I'm going to regain all my weight so that in addition to being sad and alone, I'll be fat.

- I'm afraid of financial ruin - there's not much slack in my financial life, and I'm nervous about it every day.

Yuck!! That exercise stinks! Now my fears are out there like the stinking blobs of crap that they are.  Time to move away from those bad vibes! They are not helping at all!!

Anyway - I get lost in this being down and some voice inside me says, Must Get Moving.  Must Do Something. Find people.  I'm struggling. I know the tools and I'm hanging on to them like they're keeping me from drowning.  But I'm not stuffing fettucini alfredo in my pie hole - today.  I'm exercising.  I'm thinking about meditating.  I'm eating the right things in the right amounts.  Maybe this is what it feels like to feel my feelings.  It sucks. I heard a rumor that after I feel my feelings, they go away. That would be nice.

Monday Monday

190.2 this morning

Last week was a total fail on the diet front.  Well, let me clarify - I worked out OK.  But I ate like a fat person.

For exercise, Monday was 18 holes of golf with a cart, Tuesday was elliptical for 30 minutes and some weights, Wednesday was 9 holes of golf pulling a cart, and Thursday was 45 minutes of weight machines.  Saturday and Sunday were yard work involving a tiller and a weed wacker and boy are my arms sore.

But the food.  Argh - it was awful.  I mean it was good.  Awful.

The golf Monday had free food and drink.  I already wrote about what I ate and drank.  A lot.  I was up 3 pounds Tuesday morning.  Wednesday after golf I had nachos and red wine.  Thursday was 2 food-related social activities after work.  I had waffle fries, fried pickles and 2 drinky-poos at the first one, and I had dessert at the second one, chocolate cake with chocolate sauce and ice cream.  Friday was out to lunch with coworkers for 4 mini hot dogs with chili and onions and then a happy hour after work for 2+ beers and some ahi tuna.

Yesterday was the worst.  I was invited to a Father's Day BBQ where they usually serve food about 1 or 2.  So I had breakfast at noon, figuring I'd go full and not eat/drink so much.  Except the food wasn't ready until 4:30 and by then I was starving!  So it was pretzels with onion dip, deviled eggs, macaroni salad, potato salad and then - after my stomach was uncomfortably full, I had a hot dog that wasn't even very good!  I bought beer and didn't even buy Bud Light.  I bought full calorie Buweiser!

I remember fleeting thoughts about, "this isn't good for you Jordan," but I ignored them.

So, it wasn't just one fail.  It was a string of 7 social occasions where I showed exactly ZERO restraint.  C'mon - in what universe do I need dessert after eating waffle fries with cheese and fried pickles??  It's the same thought process that got me to 276 pounds 2 years ago.

Here's what I'm thinking about:

- What the effing hell happened???  For 9 months I was focused on the greater good of Jordan and had NO problem controlling my intake.  Now I'm like a human vacuum cleaner for food.  Are there emotions going on that I'm trying to stuff?  Well, I'm successfully stuffing them because I have no idea.
- This is a perfect time to meditate, except I keep putting it off in favor of doing yard work or some other kind of work. Also a sign that I'm avoiding something.

- Last week I tried to make workouts a part of my normal life, but I don't think it worked.  First off, I don't love golf that much, and second off, it doesn't feel like I worked out.  I think it'd be better if I set aside time, change clothes, sweat a bunch and then it's over.  Then I'll know that I worked out and maybe I'll feel more inclined to honor my body with good food as well.  I don't get the endorphins when I don't do intense work.  I didn't run at all last week, which may have a little bit to do with the downward trend of my emotions.

- Weeks like last week don't happen very often.  I don't want to play golf even once a week, much less twice.  Once every few weeks is enough golf for me. Most weeks will only have 2-3 social/food events, not 7. I think part of my failure is that I was overwhelmed.  I know all the mechanisms for safe/healthy eating out.  I just need to care enough and have enough emotional energy to apply them.

So - I ran at lunchtime.  I went to the grocery store to stock up on good stuff for the fridge.  I'm going to make time to meditate within the next hour.  I know what I need to do - the tough part is translating that knowledge into action!  All the pieces are there.  It's up to me to put them together.

Old Brain - New Brain

Now that I'm single again, I'm thinking about what I should do more and what I should do less of. 

I'm looking at meetup groups I'm in, some that I've never done anything with (hiking with dogs group, runners group), others I've done lots with (beer drinkers group, photography group).  Every group I'm involved with has upcoming activities; a beer meetup happy hour on Friday, a long, hilly dog-hike on Saturday, trail running on Thursdays, or happy hour with the girls, or dance practice followed by dinner. 

Unfortunately, there's too much to do during the week - I have to skip about half of the stuff that's going on (like I have drill at the firehouse on Mondays, so have to skip Monday trailrunning). I wish some of this stuff would move to weekends when I'm wide open.  I'm considering going on a long mountain hike with the dog-hiking group vs going to a happy hour with the beer group.

My old brain is saying, "the hike might be too hard.  I'll be hot and sweaty and 3 hours will be awful if my dog acts up.  The beer happy hours are enjoyable and not much commitment.  I already know the beer people and if I go on the dog hike, I'll have to meet a whole new group of people."

My new brain is saying, "I want to be around healthy, active people.  That will help push me into more activity in my life, and maybe I'll meet a new friend or a new potential partner."

It's likely that I'll wait until there's a shorter hike to introduce my dog to hiking with other people and other dogs.   But I'm glad I'm thinking like this.  It's not enough to find things to do where I can meet new people.  I also have to consider whether these things are going to support the lifestyle I want to be leading; a healthy, active lifestyle where physical activity is part of day-to-day life, not saved for special occasions.

Being Inefficient

189.4 this morning - gained 3 pounds yesterday.

I participated in a charity golf tournament yesterday afternoon.  My company wanted to field an all-woman team and I'm so happy that the leader thought to invite me! It's not because I'm a good golfer, haha!  I'm guessing it was about the company. That's me on the right.  The shirt is a 12-petite. The pants are size 16.  I was still the biggest of the group, but I don't feel like people would have called me the "big girl."

MFP says that 18 holes of golf with a cart burns 1500 calories, which is crazy too much.  I estimated it would burn 750-800 calories, so I didn't worry about what I ate or drank.  That was dumb of me, because I ate like a starving person; several beers, beer pretzel, cheetos, multiple hotdogs for lunch, multiple chicken parmesans for dinner, high fat salad dressing, all topped off with ... dessert.  So really, I earned the extra pounds. Even if I did eat 5,000 calories of stuff, the real weight gain is 1-1/2 pounds.  Normal people eat less for a few days after something like this, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Last week when I was golfing, I noticed that the ladies that were fat were the ones that took every opportunity to do less work.  To use a cart when they could walk, for example.  So I resolved to be the other way. I resolved to bend down and pick up my ball instead of using the club to hoist the ball.  To walk and get my ball instead of letting other people do it.  I resolved to be inefficient.  Do more physical work in the course of doing my normal stuff.  I think inefficient people burn more calories.

Two other notes from yesterday:

- The first part of the day was tough for me.  Everything still reminds me that I'm single now, so it was a stream of downer thoughts and not a good time.  I was able to eventually forget a little and had somewhat of a good time towards the end.  It's just a time thing now. Time goes by and things will get better.

- I told my cart partner, a coworker that's been maried for 46 years, why I've been a little down at work lately.  She commented that it's hard for her to imagine and I started about how I did NOT want to be in this place of being alone at my age.  It surprised me how negative I was about the whole thing.  (Well, actually it didn't surprise me.)

Problem is - I believe that we attract what we think about.  See the header for this blog.  In being so negative, I'm attracting more negativity into my world.  My horoscope for this morning said something similar:
If you want to start feeling good (and get someone else to feel good), you have to just start smiling. Focusing on what you don't have instead of enjoying what you do have is one way to guarantee that you won't be as happy as you could be.
Point made.  Time is doing it's magical thing.  I'm better now than I was yesterday. Tomorrow will be better still.  For example - I gained 3 pounds and I'm still under 190.  How great is that??? 

Monday Math

186.6 this morning.

The Mantis tiller started up like a champ, even with old gas.  I tilled and moved dirt and gravel for most of the day.  I'm sad and tense about stuff, but the physical labor helped clear my mind.  It also helped that Dude hasn't called since Thursday.  I get that I have to go through a sad time, but crap... just, crap.

Warning - geeky math stuff coming up...

I've been wondering what my metabolism is these days.  So I whipped up a little spreadsheet.  (I hate that in the transition from Excel to Blogger, the column headings all moved! The column headings are for how the weight is changing, and go from 0 pounds per week (maintaining) to 1 pound per week losing.)

	Pounds Lost per Week
Eating	0	0.25	0.5	0.75	1
1200	1,057	1,182	1,307	1,432	1,557
1300	1,157	1,282	1,407	1,532	1,657
1400	1,257	1,382	1,507	1,632	1,757
1500	1,357	1,482	1,607	1,732	1,857
1600	1,457	1,582	1,707	1,832	1,957
1700	1,557	1,682	1,807	1,932	2,057
1800	1,657	1,782	1,907	2,032	2,157

This spreadsheet includes 1000 calories a week of exercise!

Here's how to read it:
I'm losing about 1/2 to 1 pound per week, average, eating about 1500 calories per day.  Find 1500 calories per day on the left column and then go across to read the numbers under 0.5 and 1.  That puts my metabolism somewhere around 1600-1850 calories per day.

This is a measurement over time, like weeks or months. As long as I do 1000 calories of exercise every week and keep my average consumption below 1600 calories a day, I should continue to slowly lose weight.

(There's lots of caveats. I need to eat a variety of food and do a variety of exercise to keep my body on it's toes and prevent it from getting too efficient.  I need to actually track calories, not estimate, because portion sizes *will* creep up.)

I hope you all are looking at awesome weeks!  My horoscope says that my emotional life will be getting more peaceful, so I'm hoping this week will be better than the last 2 were. Peace y'all!

Sunday

187.2 this morning, so I'm doing OK on the weight front.  Still going down, slowly.  I've been trying to get some exercise in most days of the week, but being less formal about tracking it.  Ran twice last week, played 9 holes of golf and did a little weights, so 4 workouts last week.  My plantar fasciitis has come back, in my right heel this time, so I think I'm going to have to take it easy on the running for a little while.

This is my first weekend without Dude and it's a sad one.  The last week and a half, I think I was trying to make things be different than they are.  Now I'm finally mourning the loss.  I had gone right back on OKCupid and was emailing with a few guys.  I met one of them yesterday and as I was driving to meet him I realized that I Am Just Not Ready. I didn't mention it to him, but it felt like a very long hour.  I just sent him the downer email and feel like crap about that.  I think I'm going to hide my profile again and and focus on finding the happy person that hugs my dog and says, "Hello World" every morning.  Not this sad person that says, "Ugh, another day."

I spent some time yesterday trying to think of something to look forward to. I had thought this was going to be a kick-ass summer before the rug got pulled out.  Thankfully, I did come up with something.  I had so much fun with the people I camped with over Memorial Day weekend that I'm connecting more with them.  They do stuff every week and I feel comfortable and happy with them.

This is also going to be the summer that I reconnect (again) with what *I* like to do and what *I* enjoy.  It's hard to believe that I can be 46 and not remember what it is exactly, that I like to do, what makes the time fly, but it's true.  I had been starting that over the winter, but then dumped it all when I had someone nice to spend time with. 

It's cliche to say "do the things you like and be happy and the right people will enter your life," but I know it's true. It's sunny right now and time to try and get the Mantis started for a little roto tilling.  Then I'm going to try and get the weed wacker started and do some of that.  If successful, that will be my exercise for today. Fingers crossed...

Peace

187.4 this morning.  A new low!

I worked from home this morning and being away from noisy coworkers helped a ton.  I got somewhat caught up and then worked out my finances for the rest of the month.  It looks like I'll be OK this month.  Those 2 things combined to make me feel pretty OK, and I'm feeling somewhat peaceful now.

Rather than focus on what I lack and what I'm NOT doing, I want to write a bit about what is going right in my life - specifically weight-and health-wise.

The last time I was 187 pounds was 15 years ago, I was married and it was 1997. The last time I was this healthy was 15 years ago.

I'm exactly in the middle of the Overweight range (per the BMI charts).  If I lose 17 more pounds, I'll be normal weight.  The last time I was normal weight was about 20 years ago and I was in my early 20s.  The cool thing is - I look good and feel good now!  I'm 89 pounds below my highest weight!

Over Christmas holiday I was 225 pounds, struggled with C25K week 2, running 90 seconds at a time.  yesterday I ran a 12-minute mile, then walked a little, ran another 12 minute mile, walked, and then ran 6 minutes, for 30 minutes of running in a 45-minute workout.

The fat guys at the firehouse are asking how I did it. Ha ha!

I could focus on how hard the next 17 pounds is going to be - or I could take a moment and feel pretty good about what I've done. My life might not be where I want it to be, but darned it, I keep forgetting that I'm light years ahead of last year, and things really aren't as bad as they sometimes seem.

Monday

188.2 this morning. I was 187.8 yesterday morning - a new low! A month ago, I was at 190.5, so my loss has drastically slowed down - only 2.3 pounds in the last month. If I had been keeping track of my intake in MFP, I'd be able to calculate my maintenance calories.  Boo!

I read about the new challenge that Julie is joining and it sounds really neat!  I thought seriously about trying to get into it a day late, but then realized that my head isn't really into a challenge right now.  Weight loss was my number one priority last fall, so it was easy to maintain the discipline (and it didn't take as much discipline because I was so overweight).  Now, I'm only 18 pounds away from my goal. And really, the world won't end if I never make it to 170 pounds.  

I've been sliding a little on exercise and completely dropped the meditation practice. After the dumpage and the horrible week I had last week, I want to focus on things besides weight loss - strengthening my support network of friends, bringing meditation back into my life, and regularizing my exercise.  Last fall was about healthy me.  Now I'm working on happy me - while maintaining healthy me.

I had a weird weekend.  I went to see the Avengers on Friday just to keep myself busy and away from thinking.  The meditation retreat Saturday morning/afternoon was a total fail. I'm too freakin preoccupied to be present in the moment.  Then I came home to some bad financial news and within 30 seconds had called Dude to see if he wanted to do something. He did, and we went to see Men In Black III and had dinner.  As friends.  (FYI: MIBIII > Avengers in my opinion.)  The evening was weird for me in a not-good, bad way. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride yesterday before our planned yard work.  Yup. I did - and we did. So I spent 11 hours with him yesterday.  I gotta tell you - not touching someone you care about deeply is tough.

I don't know how I feel about it all.  I so much want things to be different than they are, but can't say that I want them to go back to what they were.  Even if it was my magical world and I could control everything in it.  Fact is, I have no control over this.  The only thing I can do is let go of trying to control Dude and how he feels, and focus on me and how I feel.  Everything I need to be happy is already in my world, Dude or not.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat. Control the things I can control and let go of the rest.

Friday

189.8 this morning, up 0.6 lbs.  Yesterday was a TERRIBLE eating day.  After my normal breakfast, I led a meeting at lunchtime that featured pizza (2 slices).  Then met Dude after work for 20 ounces of beer and some cheese.  Then met some friends later for dinner (appetizer sampler and diet coke). 

I've been tense and distracted and stressed out for most of the month.  Weird and yukky things happen when I'm in this state.  Last week I washed a pen with 5 of my favorite shirts, ruining them all, along with the pen.  I knocked over a full cup of tea the same day - you guys might remember that a full cup of tea for me is 36 ounces!  All over the kitchen counter, papers, etc, etc.  A lot of stuff now sticky and brown.  Then yesterday I left my wallet at home, which is not helpful when I had to order 5 large pizzas. Especially since I realized it at 10:45 when I went to order the pizza, too late to go home and get the wallet.  I punted and it worked out OK, but these aren't accidents - they're symptoms of stress.

The conversation with Dude went better than I expected. I think it was one of the first really honest and open talks we've ever had. The first time we both really listened to each other without preconceived ideas or hedging what we said or defensiveness.  He may have been the one to do the dumping, but I was going in that direction myself.  I learned the real reason and while I'm not happy, there is enough peace in knowing.

We're still apart, but he really wants to be friends and I think I'm going to give him a chance - being careful to honor how I feel.  If I feel comfortable, good; uncomfortable or sad or unhappy or tense, bad. Just in case I'm not actually feeling that feeling, an urge to stuff my face = signal that I'm not feeling good. 

The trial will be Sunday.  He's coming over to help me move about 2 yards of dirt and gravel, so even if I'm uncomfortable, needed work will be done and it won't be a total loss.  If I'm feeling bad ahead of time, I can cancel.

The problem is that I still have strong feelings for the guy.  Rather than try and change things, I'm going to try, really, really hard to look at this as a gift from the universe. Things are this way for a reason.  It's an opportunity to practice not overthinking things (for once).  To practice my meditation and acceptance skills.  Good thing I have a meditation retreat tomorrow! I want to spend time thinking about joy and thinking about how joy doesn't come from someone else, and connect with the joy I know is inside me somewhere - even if it's very small.