Still

Still at 232.0, sigh.  My glutes are sore from the extra hard elliptical workout yesterday, so I may do Jillian or I may slack off today.  Tonight is some beers with the girls.  I've saved about 700 calories (although ... if I did the Jillian 30DS before going out, it would be 900+ calories I could consume, hm. Incentive to work out.)

I did talk to TaxMan last night.  He's happy with casual dating, seeing each other once a week for a few hours, and not thinking about me in the interim.  He's not interested in anything more, until possibly  some unknown time in the future.  But that's not now.  I'm more interested in fireworks and spending more time with someone and communicating more and something that will lead to the real deal.  So we agreed that I'm putting my profile back up online.  This time I'm going to go for match.com, I feel so much more confident, (yay us! I'm so happy I know y'all!).

We'll continue to see each other at the same casual rate as we see each other now, and we'll back off to being platonic friends if I meet someone fantastic (unless he changes his mind and decides he can't live without me). It feels like I honored many of the seven essential attributes that I learned in meditation class; not striving for things to be different than they are, not being impatient, not grasping or being too attached.  And it feels like I honored my feelings.  So I'm moderately happy about the whole thing, with the exception of being back in the online dating scene.

So, girls.  For those of you that have done online dating.  How open have you been about the weight loss, or weight in general?  Initially, I had it front and center (50-pound loss, woo hoo), but then I took it off altogether.  I've got current pics up, so I'll assume that the dudes can look at a few pics and decide for themselves.  I'm preparing for my weight to NOT be the most important thing in my life (and sad that I made such a big deal of it for so long).

Peace, peeps!

Edit:  30DS workout 1, done!

Sideways

Is how I'm going.  Up one pound since yesterday, back up to 232.0. 

I'll bet 230 is going to be one of those really tough barriers to get through.  All I can do is keep on keeping on.  I'm not going to starve myself to get through this - 1100-1300 calories is as low as I want to go.  But I am consistent with the exercise; it was Jillian last night and 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning.  Jillian was noticeably easier!  I did almost all of the cardio and strength and didn't feel totally like I was going to die.

I think my mood the other day and this weight gain are related - thanks to our friend TOM.

Thanks for all your great advice about my love life!  It helps to get perspective from other people.  Of course the first thing I'm going to do is ignore the advice.  I'm going to let things with Mr Crushee lay for a while and focus on being a good firefighter.  It'd be a good idea to develop working relationships with more of the dudes, and I suspect any "confession" from me to crushee would be unwelcome.  If the opportunity comes up and it's clearly a good idea, then I will "tell" him.  If not, then I'll keep it to myself.  But I will not pretend I don't see him anymore.  The least I can do is be friendly.  That's how I'd treat anyone else in the department (most of them anyway).  This is all me being insecure and needy.  Bleh!!

I suspect it's a supremely bad idea to get involved in any physical way with any of the guys in this fire department, even though I have a secret wish to find my future Mister there.  Crushee just turned 24 and I'm 45 (or 46, I forget!), which is another reason it doesn't make sense in anything other than my fantasies. A phrase that I heard elsewhere fits pretty well here:  Feelings Aren't Facts.   I don't have to act on everything I feel.  [I can spend the energy to get myself lookin' SO hot and then we'll see who's crushin' on who!]

Which brings me to the next thing.  I have a date with TaxMan tonight.  My TOM-ish mood has made me annoyed with him and I'm going to bring it up tonight.  Yeah, we've been dating casually and I enjoy it.  But there's a lack of connection, no communication other than scheduling dates when we're not together.  I don't want a casual relationship.  Waah!  (me pouting and being all PMS-y).  I may be insecure, but I'm more confident than I was 2 months ago!  I'm gonna see where he's coming from and tell him where I'm coming from.  If he wants to keep it casual and continue dating once every few weeks, then I think I want to put my profile back up on OKCupid (with pictures of the thinner, hottah me).  We'll see how that conversation goes, but I'm OK either way.

Peace, all!

Halfway

Thanks Dudettes!  I was low yesterday and got some great comments setting me straight and reminding me of my essential greatness - and they did the trick to make me feel better!  I'm SO glad for your support!  It's been so long since I've been in a good relationship that I keep forgetting what one is like (hint: a good relationship is one where I feel great, not bad).  I know that's basic, but it's been such a long time for me and bad relationships. 

I didn't binge, but I didn't work out either.  I meditated and got in bed early and read blogs.

231.0 this morning, which is 0.8 down from yesterday, but still 0.8 up from Thanksgiving morning. I have been doing Jillian 30 Day Shred, but not every day.  When I do it every day, my muscles just aren't ready.  It seems to go better if I give it a day between.  I'm trying to push a little by trying pushups and planks and some freeweight work.  I got (2) 20-pound dumbells as a present for myself.

Wouldn't it be HOT if I could wear my satin and lace dress and do 10 boy pushups by the end of the challenge? I'm gonna go for it!  I can do 10-15 girl pushups, but barely 1 boy pushup.  I can hold myself in the start position and lower an inch or so before I have to stop. 

When I was feeling crappy about Saturday's ugly pants, I decided to see if I really look as bad as all that.  I tried on some capris I used to wear when I lived in South Carolina (2000-2003), and my butt and belly are definitely tighter than a few weeks ago. Whew!  I'm getting used to looking at pics of myself - I don't have this reaction of "Eeww, gross" anymore.

My butt's always going to be larger than the average, but it seems like there's more acceptance for that shape these days, so I'm not seeing it as bad as I used to.  And the more I work it, the healthier it will look.  Glute exercises anyone?

So - what do I mean about halfway?  At 230, I'll have lost 45 pounds.  In another 45 pounds I'll be at 185.  I'll try for 169 (no longer overweight), but I suspect 185 is where I'll end up.  In that case - I'm (a pound away from) halfway there!  Yeah - making excuses to celebrate, I know.

CDCC Update

It wasn't as bad as I expected - 231.8 this morning on the scale.  Gained 1 pound from yesterday morning.  I'm 1.6 pounds up from Wednesday, but still had 0.8 pound loss for the week.  I'd call that a successful Thanksgiving week.

I don't know why (if I had to guess, I'd say hormones or Sunday-itis), but I'm feeling down today.  Everything makes me sad.  It's tough to stay under 1240 calories per day.  I can't give myself ANY treats at this level and that pisses me off.  I understand that it's for the best, but bah humbug!  I see couples out shopping and it makes me sad that I'm not part of a couple and then it makes me sad that even when I was part of a couple, we didn't shop together.  And then it makes me sad that I've never in my entire life been in a relationship where I was comfortable enough to go shopping with my partner.  Lots and lots of couples do it, but me? No.  Sad.  I want that.

TaxMan came back from his trip yesterday and even though he said he'd call, he hasn't.  If past trips are any indicator, he'll email me tomorrow morning to see if we can get together this week.  We've been casually dating for about 2 months, and I enjoy time with him, but don't really think about him when we're not together.  Except now I'm annoyed that he apparently feels the same way.  Yuck, this makes me sad.

Even worse is that I get all tongue tied around the guy I'm crushing on at the fire department.  Friday, I went to pick up my gloves and ran into him, a total surprise since he'd driven his mom's car.  All I said is Who's car is that, and then I LEFT.  I couldn't think of anything to say, so I felt like I had to have this strong I-don't need-or-want-anyone facade that would make him desire me.  The idea in my warped and twisted mind is that if he likes me, he'll let me know (which is not happening).  Then later the same day after a call, I saw him in his truck and ignored him!  I pretended I didn't see him.  Holy cow, I wish I could have a do-over.  I'm tempted to tell him that I get tongue-tied around people I like, but what if it backfires? 

There's an older guy at the firehouse that like-likes me.  He's all moon-eyed and stares at me at drills.  Everyone knows about it, but he's in his 60s or so and married and about 4-1/2 feet tall, so he's probably harmless.  I just pretend I don't see it.  All I can think of is that this old guy is the same amount of years older than me than I am older than the guy I'm crushing on.  What if my crushee sees me the same way I see the old guy?  It makes me so freakin sad to think of myself as some old person that's unattractive. Sad. Very sad.

So yeah, I'm feeling low and I want to eat.  I know that won't make it better, so I'm going to power through the day somehow.  My arms are sore from yesterday's riding, so I may do an elliptical workout, or I may go hang out at the firehouse with the guys watching football, just so I don't have to be alone.  I'll let you know how it goes - thanks for reading this far!

I Was Good Until I Wasn't

I'm smacking myself right now. 

Foodwise, I did OK on Thanksgiving.  I fell down on the drinks though.  I didn't say NO when I was offered malibu rum and orange juice, or a few after that, and didn't say no to the eggnog cocktails either.  So when I was up 1-1/2 pounds the day after Thanksgiving, I wasn't surprised.  I watched what I ate carefully and replaced one meal with cucumber/kale/apple/ginger juice and exercised, and this morning a pound of the gain was back off.  Yay for 230.8.

But 3 of us made plans to go 4-wheeling today - and wow - it turned out to be a great day!  I ellipticalled for 20 minutes this morning and had 3 fried eggs before I left, so I felt pretty good.  I wore a pair of pants that I *thought* were semi-attractive (and met the condition of being junky enough to get muddy).

Here's me before we left.  I felt great, but now that I look at the picture, I see that either the pants do me no favors, or once again, I'm not as thin as I think I am.  Bleh!

We stopped for lunch and I totally went for the gusto and had a cheeseburger and some Bud Light.  Here's where we went.  It's in upstate NY near the Mass state line looking west at the Catskill Mountains. 

Then we came back and I was pushing it a little more and going faster through the puddles.  This last picture is supposed to show that everything is wet and dirty, compared to the beginning where it was clean and dry.  (They made fun of me because my quad was so clean!)  All I can see in this picture is that my pants are falling down.  Bleh!  I wish I had stood on the ground instead of on the quad, and I wish I had adjusted my shirt.

Then we hung around for a little while at the house and I had 2 hot dogs and more eggnog drink.

It was a great day, but did I even try to stay moderately in control?  No.  I did not.

This will probably take several days to recover from.  I'll get back on track tomorrow.  Heck, I'm back on track now.  It's going to happen, but it's not an excuse to fall off the wagon.  That's the positive thing I can take from it.  That, and the great ride we had.

Thanksgiving and Being Thankful

In the last few years I've gotten away from Thanksgiving, or at least away from the thankful spirit of the holiday.  I stopped spending it with family years and years ago, and in the last 5 or so years spent many of them alone,  except for the occasional time when I was invited to dinner with friends. I've been a bit of a grinch, not comfortable enough in my life or in my skin to really enjoy the holiday.

This year I spent the afternoon with friends.  But this year has been different for other reasons.  I'm practicing mindfullness meditation and am calmer now than I've been in maybe 15 years.  I'm losing weight and I feel healthier and look better.  I'm regaining the confidence I lost a long time ago.  I'm really thankful for that.

But here's the real reason.  I've gone on a lot of calls for the fire department this week, and two of them have been echo level cardiac arrests.  In both cases the person died. Tuesday's was a 50-year old man who lived alone.  Last night's was a 77-year old man who lived with his wife.  There is no better way to be reminded that life can end suddenly than to see it ended like that, so fast.

I get lost in my petty, things-aren't-perfect-woe-is-me mindset and lose sight of the real stuff.  I'm alive.  I'm healthy.  I have a job and a place to live and friends and the capability to do anything I want in this world.  I'm so glad for the opportunity to see that and the chance to make upcoming years more full of joy than the last few have been.

Happy belated Thanksgiving all!

My Weight History

Here it is!  Can you tell I'm a visual person?  Can you tell I'm an engineering weenie?

I was talking to the therapist about my fear that I'll get down to goal weight and won't be able to maintain the loss, and she asked if I'd been able to maintain a loss in the past.  Yes! After college I lost 40 pounds (195 to 155) and kept half of it off for over 6 years.  I didn't get back over 195 until 12 years later.  Looking at my history laid out here in graphical form and thinking about the losses and the gains, I can see that the losses were when I was feeling good and in control and the gains were when I was under extraordinary stress. I was very healthy and active in high school.  I played halfback in field hockey and camped and hiked a lot. So I know there's a healthy person inside me, which makes the losing easier.

The four big gaining times in my life were 1) college, which I found very tough, 2) after my divorce, 3) I was dating a not-good-for-me man, 4) I had an epiphany about my childhood and wasn't happy about it. For years.

There's a big message for me in this graph (I love graphs that tell a story!) and I want to absorb it before I write anything more about my history and any lessons I can take from it. (Suffice it to say that I'm feeling very good about taking a meditation class!)

Weight this morning was 231.2.  I'm wearing pants that I haven't worn in probably 6 years.  I feel like I'm wearing my history on my body when I wear pants this old.  This morning I collected lots and lots of clothes for the Salvation Army out of my closet, and as a treat for myself Friday, I'm going to take my sweet time nosing around the Salvation Army store. Usually I'm there on my lunch hour and in a hurry to get in and out.  I deserve it!  I deserve to feel good.  As I try stuff on or pick out a cool thing to buy, I'll compare it to the fettucini alfredo I didn't eat and be thankful that I made the right choice - this time.

I did Jillian - twice

I did the shred once last night and once this morning!  I didn't do ALL the cardio, but I did most of it.  It feels easier this time than when I tried it in September.  (Hey - If I had stuck to it then, I'd be done by now.  Bleh!)  I think I can stick to it for a month.  The half hour goes quickly.

Here's the zipper I sewed in on Sunday, and me in the pants.  Still got a long way to go on those arms and that belly and the butt.  I need to look at myself in pictures to get a sense of what I really look like because my sense when I look at myself in the mirror is totally off.  I think I'm thinner than I really am.

I'm glad I can sew!  It's been SO useful over the years.  I was amused that when I try to do work on the house or something, it's at least one trip to the hardware store for every job I try to do, but I have most sewing jobs covered.  The zipper is one that I happened to have in my sewing box, and I happened to have the right color thread (or close enough).  Yay me!

Today after the therapist appointment, I stopped by Chipotle for a barbacoa fix.  I was semi-smart and got the bowl instead of the burrito, but still did get rice, cheese and guacomole.  My justification was that this would be lunch AND dinner, but after I ate half of it, I wasn't full and wanted to keep going.  I managed to put it aside though, and waited a few minutes.  THEN I got full.  Even though I'm full, I still want to eat the rest of it - right now!   I'm gonna try and push it to 4:30 or 5 and call it dinner.  

I guess it's a good thing that I don't eat out very often anymore! I don't feel this craving for food I make myself, but every single time I eat out at a restaurant, I have a hard time controlling my intake.

232.8 this morning, 0.2 down from yesterday and close to my lowest on Sunday.  After I did Jillian I could see some definition in my ab area and on the tops of my shoulders.  Probably just wishful thinking, but it was a nice way to start the day!  I figured out how to comment on blogs from work, so I've been much better at supporting other bloggers.  I'll try to support everyone once this week. 

Have a healthy and safe Thanksgiving everyone!

Fire Up for Fall Finish

Becca asks, how did it go?

I completely lost track of my 5 goals, so here they are, copied from my first challenge post.

- Lose 20-25 pounds, to 235-230 by the end of the year. 
Done!!! I'm at 233 this morning.  I could lose another 10 pounds by the end of the year.

- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year.  Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge. 
Still working on the CDCC, with a month to go.  I think I WILL look fab in the xmas jacket, but I've since picked another (lace/satin) dress and showed pictures of me in it last week.  I've been wanting to make myself a dress like the one below in a stretchy fab winter fabric (except with 3/4 sleeves and without the piping). 

I do that.  Pick a really time-consuming, unnecessary project and then rush to get it done in time.  I'm wise enough to pass on making this right now - but - since I'm obviously getting the sewing bug, a more useful project would be a bathrobe.  I've made a few over the years, but never got one that felt perfect - luxurious and semi-fitted around the waist (which cuts out all the robes I could buy in the store).
- Work through my Christmas Dress Challenge book and do all the exercises.  Find a second book and do that one too. 
Nope.  Didn't do this.  I didn't like the book.  BUT - I did take an 8-week meditation-based stress reduction class, which has gone a huge amount toward making me calmer and focusing on myself and what I feel.  The last class is tomorrow.  PLUS - I've found a therapist and I'm meeting her for the second time tomorrow. We're going to work on relationships and stuff, but weight issues are on the list.  All stuff that will hopefully make me more able to handle myself being a healthy size and deal with emotional issues in ways OTHER than with food.

- Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Power 90 DVDs. 
Nope. Tried it for a few days and realized that I wasn't ready for so much jumping impact.  I think I'll try this again.  I'm 20+ pounds lighter now, and I love all the before/after shots showing how much of a difference the shred can make.  (The plantar fasciitis is stubbornly refusing to go away though, so I've amped up the foot stretching in the morning.  Jillian Michaels and plantar fasciitis do not get along.)

- Continue to invest time in my volunteer fire department. 
Umm - no and yes.  At the beginning of the challenge I wrote that it had been a hard 9 months but it was getting comfortable.  And then it wasn't comfortable because of one jerk  It still isn't comfortable.  I was trying to fit in with a group where I'm NEVER going to fit in.  I'm the only woman.  I'm in my mid-40s and all the guys are either 20ish and single or 50+ and married.  I can contribute and be involved, but I was looking for friendship in the wrong places.  Going to work on why I was trying so hard to accomplish something impossible.  The therapist has already coached me on wanting to be friends with people that make me feel good, not bad. (And it's scary that I think it's a revelation!!)  But I still want to be an active member there.

- Look at where I spend my time and energy and look for places and people that make me feel good and will lead to friendships and hopefully a relationship. 
See above.  In the last month, 2 people have educated me on this. The therapist says that I should do things I like doing.  If friends come, great.  If not, then I'm still happy.  Even though it should be obvious, it's a different way of looking at it than I was.  Need to work on this one.  Still.

The good news is that I'm dating TaxMan.  It's still very occasional, but I enjoy it, and I'm happy to be away from the downer that is internet dating. (Although, if it doesn't work out, I'll be thinner when I go online again.)  I've also (finally) gotten invited to a few social things.  The therapist says that other women have told her it's difficult for transplants to make friends in this area.  It's nice to know it's not me.  I've never had a problem making friends anywhere else...


All in all, I'd say it was a successful challenge!  I've succeeded in the first, most important goal of losing weight and I'm making progress on the other goals of making friends and being calmer and more at peace with myself. 

On the one goal that was a total bust - I'm going to commit to starting Jillian Michaels shred again - tonight!

I'm Glad I Waited

The scale this morning:  232.6

It was 235.2 yesterday, 236 last Sunday for a 3.4 pound loss this week.  I did feel like I was peeing a lot in the last few days!  Same pattern as many other weeks - no loss during the week, but all of it on the weekend.

I never did buy myself that hula hoop I was going to get.  The good ones are $40 or so and have to be bought online, so I decided to get myself a $20 barbell set that I can use in front of the TV as a treat instead.  And I've got the flip flops in the car just in case I feel an unbearable desire to stop and get a pedicure on the way home from work Monday.

I spend all week waiting for the weekend, and then feel this incredible pressure to make every minute of it count.  Yesterday I fixed the ATV, replaced a toilet and started to replace the vanity before I discovered a problem - it's too tall!  There is a tile soapdish attached to the wall at 35 inches - one inch shorter than the vanity!  Can't take the soapdish off without ruining the look of the wall, so I'll have to cut 1-1/2 inches off the legs of the vanity.  That's a big deal, so I've decided to ponder that until next weekend.  Last night I watched 4 episodes of 24.  I'd never seen it before - it's riveting, and I'm glad that I don't have to wait a week to see the next episode.

In the meantime, today's workout was to move some dirt in the yard.  I did that for about an hour (and made barely a dent in the pile!), and now I'm blogging.  After I post this, I'll have lunch, which is leftover salmon and green beans that I sauteed in sesame oil.  Then after lunch, I'm going to replace a zipper in some pants that I love, and then ... relax.  And watch some more 24.  My big treat on weekends is to stay in bed and read for a while after I get up.  This morning it was weight loss blogs.  It feels sinful to stretch out in bed and do nothing.  I plan on doing a lot of that next weekend.

Hey - I'm looking for the next challenge.  Is there one that starts around xmas and goes through March or so?  The CDCC and Fire Up for Fall challenges really worked well to keep me focused and accountable - and losing!  At this rate, I'm going to get to onederland in April or so, and I'd LOVE to stick with the challenge thing.

CDCC Update Minus One

I liked my weight so much this morning (235.2) that I was tempted to do the weekly update today.  But when I compared it to last week's weight, I only lost 0.8 pounds this week.  So I'll wait until tomorrow and hope there's some improvement.  There's so much up and down from day to day - I was 238 two days ago - that 235 this morning seemed great.

I took some pictures this morning.  For comparison, here's the starting shots from September 11th:

And then the shots from this morning:

Not only am I thinner, but the pictures are thinner!  I've lost 5 inches from my waist, but only 4 from my hips/bootay. And 2 inches from my chest - boo.

It's time to use a better fitting outfit for these pictures.  I'm happy that I've been lifting weights, because as my weight goes down, there is some definition in my arms, which have always been heavy and large looking..

It's been a productive weekend so far.  I got the ATV working again (come on snow, I'm ready now!), and I replaced the 1960s toilet in one of the bathrooms with a brand new one.   I'm going to replace the vanity as well, but I may wait until tomorrow.  I want to be sure that the nearest hardware store is open in case I screw something up!

Let's Be Generous and Call it Refeeding

The more I read blogs of folks who make a living off of nutrition and health stuff, the more I learn.  Recently I learned the term "refeeding," which basically means eating a bunch after not eating so much.  For example, I eat 1200 calories per day for 6 days a week and then let myself eat whatever I want on the 7th day.  That would be refeeding.  I don't do that.  I eat 1200 calories per day every day.  Or at least, I try, and mostly succeed.

So I've been eating pretty well this week and had saved up calories for a little splurge yesterday.  Some girls from work are starting a regular happy hour thing and I'm tickled pink to be invited - hell yeah I'm going to go!  Then I had a pizza dinner date with TaxMan afterward.  So I put 400 calories for 2 beers into MFP and 660 calories for 2 pieces of pizza.

Except when I was at the pizza place, I had 3 pieces of pizza instead of 2.  Hm.  Yup, it was a slip and I feel a little bad about it.  My ideal world has lots of socializing in it, and I'll need to be able to control my impulses a little better if I want to be successful.  In my pizza lust, I forgot one of the things I've been holding onto - the first bite tastes the best.  I want to savor it.  (But the last bite tasted pretty good, too!)

The scale only went up a little this morning.  Sigh.  Gotta keep repeating, "I'm in this for the long haul.  This is what the rest of my life looks like, etc, etc, etc."  And then remember the taste of that pizza, cause it was good, and I'm not going to have it again for quite a while!

CICO Math

I'm a geek.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it.  I'm the person that keeps track of the gas mpg on every single tank of gas.  When I'm driving on a long trip, I'm the person that keeps calculating and recalculating my average miles per hour and arrival time based on mile markers vs speedometer reading.  Yeah. I do it for fun.

I've been following the scientific debate in the blogosphere about what makes us fat. There's the carb hypothesis, the food reward hypothesis, and lots of others.  And then there's the good old calories in - calories out hypothesis (CICO in certain circles, which gets fixed by ELMM, eat less, move more).  One of the bloggers I like, Carbsane, sent out a request for anyone, anyone to give her a scientifically validated example of someone that ate more calories and lost weight, or ate fewer calories and gained weight.

Which got me thinking about Mir's figuring last week of how many calories she would be able to maintain her weight on.

Which got me thinking about what my maintenance calories would be.

Which got me in the mood to do some CICO calculatin'...

Since September 1, I've lost 27 pounds, which (at 3500 kcals per pound) is 94,500 kcalories deficit in 10-1/2 weeks.  Or 9000 calories per week deficit.  (Or 1285 calories per day.) Looking at it a different way, if I ate 1285 calories per day more than I eat, there would be no deficit and I wouldn't lose weight.

For the last few weeks I've been eating about 1200 calories per day.  The above seems to indicate that I could eat 2485 calories per day if I wanted to maintain - which I have a hard time believing.  If we assume that 7 pounds of the 27 was water weight, then my deficit is still 952 calories per day and I could eat 2150 calories per day.  Still hard to swallow (that was punny! hahaha).

I don't believe for a minute that I could eat 2150-2450 calories per day and not gain weight.  But I also didn't journal my food when I was fat.  Maybe that's what I was eating!

Of course looking backward is easier than looking forward.  I have no idea how my metabolism is going to change as I get smaller.  Scientific research and anecdotes from successful losers say that it will slow down. A smaller body takes less energy to maintain, and 1200 calories will be less of a deficit.  In a few months when I'm still eating 1200 calories per day but not losing as fast, I can re-do the above calculation and probably arrive at a completely different result.  The days of 2150-2450 calories per day are gone, gone, gone!

Weight this morning was 236.4.  No real loss this week so far.  I'm being consistent with eating and exercise though, and my history indicates that I'll probably get my entire loss for the week in 1 or 2 days, probably this weekend.

Meditation Stuff

I feel great.  I think the meditation workshop on Saturday has left me with a peaceful core, at least for the moment.  It's been so long (like years and years) since I've been peaceful inside that I'm shaking my head at how wonderful it feels.  I read over the seven essential attitudes that I learned about at the beginning of the class and can see how much better I am at these than I was a month ago.

I love these seven essential attitudes so much, I want to share them:

Nonjudging: Mindfullness is compassionate, openhearted, choiceless awareness.  It is cultivated by taking the position of an unbiased, attentive witness to your own experience as it happens in the present moment.  To do this requires that you begin to relate the contents of experience without judgement, as the present moment unfolds. When you practice mindfullness, it is important to recognize the judging quality of mind and identify judgemental thinking as it arises.

Patience: Pateince is the ability to bear difficulty with calmness and self-control.  It requires connection with your calm inner core and also some faith and courage.  Patience also requires a degree of kindness and compassion for yourself as you bear the upset of the situation.  Often impatience arises when the ego, the self-centered part in each of us, screams for thing to be different than they are.

Beginner's Mind: To practice beginner's mind means to open to the experience in each moment as if meeting it for the first time.  Though you may have experienced a thousand sunsets, you have not experienced this particular sunset.  The same is true of a lifetime of breaths, or the hundredth time you taste your favorite dessert.  This particular breath and this particular taste have never happened before and will never happen again.

Trust: A basic part of learning to meditate is learning to trust yourself and your feelings.  You learn to trust that you can see clearly what is actually happening to you.

Nonstriving: We spend so much of our lives doing things and trying to change things.  This pressure to do and to change is felt as striving, or straining to be different, to go elsewhere, or to do something else. The practice of mindfullness involves simply paying attention, without judgement, to whatever is happening.  In this sense, meditation is a unique human activity.  Meditation is about non-doing instead of doing.  To practice meditation is to practice being, not doing.

Acceptance: Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be.  Remember, things can only change in the present moment.  You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this monent if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.

Letting Go:  Letting go, or non-attachment is another attitude essential to mindfullness.  Much of the time people are practicing the opposite attiude, clinging, without even knowing it.  Often what you cling to most strongly are ideas and views about yourself, others and situations.  Don't get caught up in good or bad, high or low, pleasant or unpleasant.  Just let your experience be what it is, moment by moment.  This letting be is actually a way of letting go.  By not interfering, by just letting things be, you give them a better chance to go.

Fire Up for Fall Update

I started this post yesterday and got busy.  Second attempt:

I weighed myself Monday and Tuesday morning at 236.8, up 0.8 from Sunday.  I think I weighed myself 4 times, so I know for sure that that's what I weigh. I know I ate right Sunday (well, it was <1100 calories, even if some of it was leftover apple crumble!) and worked out Monday morning on the elliptical.  As long as I practice the right behaviors, I'm not terribly worried about the scale from day to day (as long as it mooooves).

I felt great emotionally on Monday, and when there was extra food after a lunch meeting, I got an Italian Mix wrap (1/2), and a sugar cookie.  OMG, that was a mistake!  It's been so long since I've had italian mix meats that my gut flora can't digest it any more.  It was a rough afternoon of discomfort.

I'm really getting off on feeling my muscles growing.  Other times I've lost weight, I've done it without working out, so it's been YEARS since I felt a muscle.  I pulled a workout off Pinterest that struck me as do-able and not time-consuming (I changed the numbers to make it easier to remember and may try to work up to the whole thing).

First thing in the morning:
50 jumping jacks
40 second plank
30 crunches
20 mountain climbers
10 pushups
5 burpees

I'm putting off starting Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred because I remember how tough it is!  I definitely want to give it a shot before the end of the year though. 

Anyway, here's the Fire Up for Fall update:

Positive picture is me in the blue lace dress. For comparison, I added a shot from August before I started.  Ugh, I can hardly look at my huge bootay.  Or rather, my formerly huge bootay!  I'll put the same clothes on and re-take that pic later this week.

 

1. What have you done this week towards your goals? Worked out most days and ate within my calorie goals.  My emotional upheaval of the past month seems to have calmed down.  I still don't have friends that I can feel comfortable and be myself around, but I'm feeling better that things are moving in the right direction.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? 

I tried on my blue lace dress and found that it mostly fits now!!

I did an all-day meditation workshop that left me feeling very peaceful and whole.

3. What is the most positive thing you've taken away from this challenge?
I'm always so serious and so private that it was very nice to relax and open up a little and answer questions about myself, about things that I normally don't even think about - like the last question today!

4. It's your last week, the run to the finish, what is your priority? 

When I started this challenge, I was focused on working out a lot and pushing myself physically.  That hasn't turned out the way I expected (because I'm pretty busy, and I've been sedentary for over 25 years), but I've done OK at doing 30 minutes of exercise most days of the week (elliptical/weights).  Consistency at a lower level rather than going for flash and burning out has worked well.  I think I want to push myself a little more this week, with heavier weight workouts, and doing more difficult elliptical/sweating workouts on alternate days.  Then I'll come back to the workouts I am doing now and it will feel easy-peasy.

5. Fun Stuff: Desert Island, you can take 1 person, 1 famous person and 3 items besides food and water. Who and What do you take?

I want the one person to be somebody that I can have great sex with, and talk to for hours and hours and hours.  The problem is that I don't have anybody like that in my life.  Even if you take away the great sex part, I still don't have anybody that I'd like to talk to for hours and hours and  hours.  Hm.  Sad. I'm going to save a space for that person.  Famous person: because I'm high on the whole meditation thing, I'll go with Thich Nhat Hanh, a famous Buddhist teacher.  I'd always be learning, and seeing the joy in every moment.  Wonderful!
Three items would be my mp3 player and a solar charger because I can't live without music, and a huge towel/blanket to dry off, sleep on, etc.

CDCC Update

236, a loss of 1.8 pounds this week, and 40 pounds down from my all time high of 276.

I'm really happy with the loss because I did a lot of socializing this week and ate stuff that I probably shouldn'ta, like hummus, pepperoni and cheese slices, 2 tiny pieces of cake, a brownie, etc, etc.  I was driving to a party Friday night thinking about the techniques of staying away from the food and keeping my hands full so I couldn't eat - and then it turned out that everyone was SITTING around the table with the food.  Hm. 

I tried to eat for taste rather than quantity, remembering that the first bite is always the best, and did semi-OK taking very, very small pieces of the bad stuff.  After a few hours, it was getting easier and easier to eat, and I was getting tired, so I left rather than make dumb choices I'd regret later.

Then on Saturday we had an all day meditation retreat from 10-4.  Every half-hour we'd change from sitting to walking meditation or vice-versa.  We didn't talk AT ALL during that time.  Wow - what an experience.  There are 2 more weeks of the class, and I gotta say - if you have a chance to learn how to meditate or take a meditation class, take it!  My stress level has gone waaay down over the last few weeks.  Nothing in my life has changed, other than how I handle the stress.

For the retreat, we were supposed to bring food, so I brought deviled eggs.  If I felt the temptation to overeat, I knew I could eat my eggs and fill up on complete protein.  I don't want to be "On a diet" or "Off a diet," so this past week felt like good practice for the future when I'm maintaining.  Eating everything I want to eat, just not very much of it.

Met with the therapist on Thursday and told her that one of the things I want to work on is not repeating my past pattern of losing weight, getting emotionally derailed by something and then using fettucini carbonara and Kraft macaroni and cheese to comfort myself. 

I'm feeling hopeful that this time losing weight might turn out better than the other times, I'm learning non-food techniques to take care of myself and beginning to explore my patterns and history.  I'm SO looking forward to being a normal weight again and being healthier at 50 than I was at 40.  Or 30!  All I gotta do is continue what I've been doing for the last 2-1/2 months.  I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my ultimate goal of 169, but since I haven't been able to hit that in 20 years, I might possibly be happy with 185.  And that is 50 pounds away, meaning I'm almost halfway there.  Gosh, I love numbers!

OMG, OMFG! A Surprising NSV

A few weeks ago I went shopping in my closets and found a dress that I had forgotten I had.  It's a vintage blue lace dress with dark rose satin underneath.  I wore it once, to a formal event.  For the life of me I can't remember when or where that was, although I know it was in Cleveland and I think I was married, which means it was before 1997.  I threw out a bunch of too-small clothes over the years, but I'm so glad I kept this dress!  It's one of a kind.

I tried to try it on a few weeks ago, but couldn't get the dress over my shoulders.

So - yesterday I was in the middle of about 12 things and walked by the dress, hanging on a mirror.  I thought, What the Hell, I'll give it another shot.  And....

I can get it on and zip it!!!

It's still tight.  My bootay interrupts the fall of the dress and I couldn't comfortably sit down.  But - wow!  It made my night and I still feel good.  It'll look better at the end of the CDCC, and in January at the firehouse annual formal dinner, I'm going to rock this thing! (Now I just need a hot date...)

Check out the blue velvet details on the front and the little bow on the arms.  And so cool that lace is in style these days!

Makes me want to give the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred another try...

Half Price Wednesday at the Salvation Army

I love it!!  I'm a third of the way through my weight loss journey and my clothes are looking pretty baggy.  I gave a bunch of size 22 pants away and am wearing 20s and 18s that I kept from the last time I was thin.  But I didn't have any shirts that fit well - and I'm feeling good about myself and want to wear more fitted clothes.

This is where the Salvation Army is perfect!  It's like renting clothes.  I'll re-donate some of the stuff I bought last winter that's too big now, and pick up clothes that look good.  Yesterday's trip cost me 14 bucks.  Fourteen dollars!!  And I got nice shirts that I can wear to work.  The yellow turtleneck is an Izod - and cost me $2.50! I tried on a Ralph Lauren turtleneck, but didn't buy it because it didn't fit well.  Too big, and too short.  A turtleneck should tuck into the pants, since the whole purpose of a turtleneck is to keep me warm. 

I'm having dinner at a friend's house tonight and I'm going to enjoy myself.  My calories this week so far have been around 1000-1100 a day which MFP says is too low (interesting that my calorie goal is 1240 a day, but anything below 1200 and MFP says I'm not eating enough!).  So if I go over my calories for today, I'm not worried. Plus, my stomach is small now and I can't eat very much before I get full.  I wanna keep it that way.

237.0 this morning.  After the big jumps down last week, it's still going down.  Slowly.  MFP says I could be 222 in 5 weeks, which is the end of the CDCC.  If so, that would be a dream.  I'm motivated!!

Fire Up for Fall Update

A day late, but oh well. 

Some of my favorite weight loss bloggers have been struggling recently.  It's been really helpful for me to read about it, because it helps me think about and plan for the times when I'm going to struggle.  Because I AM going to struggle.  This first 25 pounds has been kinda like a walk in the park.  I had NO idea that it would only take me 9 weeks.  It's got me hyped up to take 3 x 9 more weeks to lose the next 75 pounds, yeah, uh huh, right.  I know that's not going to happen.  There will be some speedbumps, and maybe I'll never get to 169, which I last saw 20 years ago.

My favorite weight loss bloggers are smart people.  They know what to do to avoid a binge.  But somehow they slip and lots of times it's a long slip, like weeks or months, while they struggle with how best to take care of themselves.  I read their blogs and wonder - What will I do when it happens to me?  If I succeed the way I'm hoping to, what was it that made me different?  What's the magic juice?  The secret sauce?

The answer I think, will be in my head.  That is, learning why I felt like I needed to be fat and stay fat, and how to take care of myself emotionally without food.  The meditation class has been a big help and I'm sad that it will end in a few weeks. Thursday will be my first meeting with a therapist, hopefully who can help me move myself into a thin person (or at least an average person!!).  Saturday is a day-long meditation retreat.

The fire department crap is resolved, I think.  Over the last week, I've had conversations with virtually ALL of the management and several others, including the jerk.  They've shown a really deep level of support for me that I didn't know existed and made me more confident of my fit there.  The jerk is magically not there very often these days!  I feel strong enough now, to say, "I win, asshole!" 

Now for the update - positive picture below.  Love Pinterest!  It captures my current thinking of this as the way I'm going to live for the next 9 months, and for the rest of my life.  I'm not always going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or bad.

1. What have you done this week to work towards your goals? 

It feels like working toward my goals has become part of the landscape of my life.  It's not noteworthy any more to say that I ate well or that I worked out most days.  Practicing meditation has made me calmer and the resolution of recent crap at the firehouse has made me more confident that I'm a worthy person.  It feels like things are falling together the right way.  One of the meditation sayings:  Things are exactly the way they should be.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? 

I tried on old clothes from my closet and found more that fit.  I realized that I've got something social going on every day this week, hopefully moving me towards my goal of having real friends.

3. How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between? 

I'm so comfortable with my own company that I can spend most weekends at home alone without noticing that I haven't interacted with anyone.  I've moved around so much in the last 10 years that I don't have any close friends.  It's one of my goals to change that, but I have to sometimes force myself to get out and be with people.

4. How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living? 

I wish I knew how to do this well!  I'll look at the other challengers for hints.

5. What do you like to do for fun? 

I'm terrible at fun. 

I let myself relax AFTER I finish everything on my to-do list, and I never finish everything.  So I never relax.  I need to figure out how to have fun.  Last week I read a book.  Often I read blogs.  I do have knitting or sewing or various creative projects, but most of them are mothballed these days, because there's so much I feel that I must get done.

 

CDCC Update

237.8 This morning compared to 241.8 last week for a loss of 4 pounds this week!

I'm getting more and more into the Shake It Up and surprise your body school of thought. I worked out hard a few days this week, but it wasn't the consistent 30 minutes a day that's a goal of mine.  I ate really well most days this week, but went off the wagon somthin' fierce on Friday after my boss said, "Cocktails?" at 4:30 Friday afternoon.  And I woke up to a 2 pound LOSS Saturday morning!  Then I decided to wait until I was hungry to eat on Saturday and ended up having breakfast at 3 in the afternoon.

As long as the weekly calories are good, I think it works well to have some days more and some days less.  If I can stand it, I may try Intermittent Fasting on occasion.

I'm SO freakin' thankful that I stumbled on Mir's blog 10 weeks ago and got into the CDCC!!!  It's helping me change my life!!

Before then, I was reading blogs on the science of weight loss, but still hoping there was some magic formula to get thinner that didn't involve sweating or starving.  And even though I weighed 264 pounds (276 at my highest), I didn't think that being heavy had impacted my life.  I thought I wasn't as fat as I was!

But I read her blog and a lot of her old posts and something clicked.  And I followed links and read a bunch of other weight loss bloggers and I realized that it's time to stop waiting for something to happen and start making something happen.  And I did.  And I am.  Nine weeks and 25 pounds down, I'm going to blow my CDCC goal of 230-235 out of the water!  In March, if I keep going at this rate, I won't be obese any more.  I've been obese for 10 years, so this is a big deal!  Thankful?  Yes!

I ate a Cookie Today

And I didn't even feel like it, which is what bothers me. 

I've been sticking to the diet really well this week, and I've been feeling a little .... hemmed in, eating basically the same thing every day.  Three scrambled eggs at 9-10 am.  A salad of mixed greens, feta cheese and sunflower seeds for lunch, and a homemade yogurt snack, made with (2% milk and powdered milk).  Then I have some meat and veggies for dinner.  Ho hum.  There's not a ton of leeway on 1240 calories per day and I've got a workable system that doesn't take a ton of effort.

Physically, I haven't been starving or anything.  In fact, I haven't really even been very hungry.  But I've had a craving for soup, like beef vegetable soup or tom yum soup for a week now.  So I went to the cafeteria to see what they had today, which was nothing I wanted.  I've got a Fudge Fancy habit left over from my fat days that is hard to ignore, and the cookie fell into my hand, then my mouth.

A Fudge Fancy is a sugar cookie covered with chocolate icing.  In my fat days, I'd buy one every day.  Now it's like once a month or so, which is not terrible.

But the thing is - I didn't even WANT it!!  I want hot, spicy soup, not a sugar cookie!!! Waah!  Methinks I need to make myself some soup this weekend and give in to the craving.  Made right, the soup could be a regular part of my diet!

239.8 this morning, up 0.2 from yesterday.  Still an 8 pound loss over the last month though.  I looked at hula hoops online, but haven't bought one yet.  They're not cheap, like the ones at WalMart that don't work!

Surprising the Body

It seems that the week I took off from exercise was just the thing to surprise my body.  Actually, the thing that surprised my body was starting the workouts back up, because I've gone down 2 pounds in 2 days since I had that hard workout Tuesday.  I broke below 240 pounds!

And then MFP offered to recalculate my calorie goals and now I only get 1240 calories per day!  What a nice present for my loss (NOT).

It's been an emotional week because my problems with the firehouse are moving along.  I got some nice perspective from taking last week off and was just about ready to start coming back when I talked to the old timer the other day.  Well, he went to the board on my behalf (even though I asked him not to) and I got a phone call from the chief yesterday and spent hours talking to him.  We talked about the jerk, but he also told me to not give the jerk the satisfaction of winning. 

I found out later that the reason why all these people seem to care about my opinion is that they're concerned about liability.  They're worried that I'll get so pissed off that I'll sue them for harassment.  Yeah, some of them are jerks, but that's not the same as harassment.  The thought never crossed my mind.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about that, and how I should respond. 

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to meditate.  I'm going to let it go.  I can't control these guys and the best thing I can do to control my reaction is to be peaceful about it and myself.  This is a perfect time to use my newly learned skills to try and detach.

And then I'm going to work out hard again.

Doing Good - But Not as Good as I'd Hoped

The exercise trumped the chinese food and 1 pound disappeared overnight - 240.6!

So I was feeling all svelte and sharp and gave myself a treat at lunch (no, not food, silly!).  A shopping trip to the Salvation Army!  On Wednesdays everything is on sale except this week's stuff.  So, like 75% of the store is half price.  Yeah, I was feeling good, 'cause it's in a nice neighborhood and they carry nice stuff.

And then I tried on a pair of size 18 Eddie Bauer jeans for $3.  Nope.  They didn't fit.  And then a pair of size 22 cargo pants that fit great.

And whooosh, I came back to earth.

I am losing weight, yes.  But I'm not thin yet!  At my current losing rate, it will be March before I hit 200 pounds and won't be obese any more.  If I slow down to 8 pounds a month, it will be April.  Patience child, patience.  This time is useful because it is practice for eating like a thin person eats.  This isn't a phase to be gotten through as quickly as possible.

I was congratulating myself for being able to eat just a small amount of "real" food without losing it and inhaling everything on the plate.  Being able to maintain the "no foods are forbidden" approach without ruining my losses. But that's an illusion too.  "Real" (processed) food makes me hungry!  Every time I eat processed food, I want more within an hour or two.  Yesterday it was so painful that I had to eat something to make my stomach stop growling.  Makes me think that Michael Pollan, David Kessler and others are onto something when they say that food is engineered to make us ... want to buy more food.

Finally, a Workout

I skipped fire drill last night to have dinner with TaxMan who is going overseas for 2 weeks.  I've got a tradition of taking chinese food over for anyone who has just moved (and he did), so we had food out of boxes amid the boxes.  I had some soup, half an eggroll, some shrimp and a few pieces of General Tso's chicken.  It was low key and nice.  My stomach is smaller now, so I'd have to force feed myself to eat much more. 

I'm getting used to taking a break from the fire department.  My house is quiet.  I don't have to drop everything at all hours of day and night.  It's very peaceful.  I've had time to get some perspective on the big jerk that pissed me off so badly and calm down and realize that I like everyone else but him, and I really do like the work.  This time last week I was thinking about quitting.

I felt so much better about it this morning at 7am that I responded to an EMS call.  Only one other fellow showed up (a former chief), so we chatted about stuff.  He and some other folks had noticed that I wasn't coming around and they had guessed it was because of the big jerk.  They all know this turd is out of control, but everybody's a little afraid of him.  (Yay, a grown up bully.  Wonderful.)  One of them was going to talk to the president and I asked him to please, don't do it because of me.  That would make it worse for me.  Just like a bully situation.

I came home after the call and cried my eyes out.  I didn't realize that people noticed how hard I've been working, doing even the crap work like hauling hose that nobody else wants to do.  My hard work had earned some respect.  These old guys see their wives or their daughters when they look at me, and they have a problem when I get treated badly.  (You know what got them going?  A few weeks ago I was learning how to operate the pump on one engine and the jerk was operating the pump on the other engine, feeding me water. His radio interactions with me were sarcastic and a little nasty.  I didn't really notice, but it pissed the old timers off on my behalf.)

I can't say I feel good, but I do feel better than the awful I felt last week.  At lunch I went to the gym and worked out HARD on the elliptical with the music LOUD, and felt cleansed at the end.  It was my first workout in a week.  I've heard that ya gotta surprise your body, but after a few days not working out isn't a surprise any more!

241.6 this morning, same as yesterday.  Last night's chinese food hasn't hit my body yet.  Maybe the workout will cancel out the chinese food???