Another day of no motion on the scale. Honestly, that's OK (at least at this moment it is). I'm still doing the exercise and eating the right amount of calories, practicing how I'm going to live for the rest of my life. It hasn't reached the level of plateau yet, and 250 is where I've gotten stuck before. I'll wait it out for a few more days - continuing to practice right habits - before I kick it up.
My deep thinking yesterday and this morning has been around questions of my identity.
Who am I? What are the things that I like? If I were truly being myself, who would I be?
I think that when my marriage ended 13+ years ago, I started questioning so many things, including my intuition, who/what I choose to spend time with and do. Everything. If I could be so wrong on that major choice, what other choices was I making wrong? Doing that made me not trust my choices or my feelings. I moved and started over a bunch of times, from Cleveland to South Carolina, then Washington DC, then overseas, then Oregon and now upstate NY. All the time growing farther and farther away from ME while developing my career.
It's been easier to start over than it has been to slow down and find myself.
So when I try to answer the question, "If you could utterly be yourself, what would you do," I find that I ... can't! I don't know the answer! Sure, I've been doing stuff all these years, but it's all been to achieve some goal or another.
If I realize that my life is basically perfectly fine as it is, throw all my made up goals out the window and take stuff down to "do I want to do this thing or not?" "will this make me happy or not?", I can start listening to my inner voice again. The meditation class that starts next Tuesday will help.
I'm really enjoying this! It feels good to ask myself what I really want, and then listen.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sparkly Red
Are my toenails. Got the pedicure last night. Then home to make crabcakes and broccoli for dinner. I had 700-ish calories left, not including cals from exercise, so I had 4 small crabcakes and butter on the broccoli and a piece of dark chocolate for dessert. I modified the crabcake recipe to take out the breadcrumbs and most of the mayonnaise, but 4 was enough to make me very full.
Up again this morning to 250.8. I really, really, really want to bust that 250 pound barrier. I did work out yesterday, 20 min on the elliptical plus 20 or so minutes on the weights. If there is such a thing as "settling point," then 250 pounds is one for me. Last time I tried, 2 years ago, I couldn't break through 250 before I gave up. If I can get through 250, then my next settling point is at 235, which is my goal for the CDCC and the end of this year at 230 (hopefully).
There's a raft of opportunities to overeat coming up. Lunchtime today is the health and safety fair at my factory, where there'll be grilled chicken, baked potato, baked beans, dessert, ice cream, etc, etc available. Then I'm having dinner with someone from OKCupid at a middle eastern restaurant. Then tomorrow is the beer meetup group after work.
I spent some time this morning thinking about how best to enjoy myself and do as little damage to my weight loss as possible. Here's what I came up with: I'm skipping the health fair food and sticking with my mesclun lunch salad today. I'm going to work out twice tomorrow on the elliptical, and twice on Saturday and Sunday (or for 40 minutes instead of 20 on the elliptical). I'll not go overboard tonight at dinner, and have a few small beers and some wings tomorrow. I keep feeling my quads and feeling how they're more muscular than they were even a week ago - it feels great!
Outside of tomorrow evening, I don't have plans for the rest of the weekend (except for fire drill Saturday morning), so it runs the chance of being like last weekend where I sat home bored and lonely. (Although I did read the first Twilight book - a fast read!) I have yard work to do, but that doesn't help with the not-alone part. I'll have to think about this today. Maybe TaxMan wants to do something, or the Young Professor, who I'm having dinner with tonight (he's 29), or maybe there will be folks hanging out at the firehouse. I don't want to spend time with people just to be not alone, because then I feel drained. Something to work on. How to actively get my needs met without sitting around and hoping that magically something will happen, like I did last weekend.
Up again this morning to 250.8. I really, really, really want to bust that 250 pound barrier. I did work out yesterday, 20 min on the elliptical plus 20 or so minutes on the weights. If there is such a thing as "settling point," then 250 pounds is one for me. Last time I tried, 2 years ago, I couldn't break through 250 before I gave up. If I can get through 250, then my next settling point is at 235, which is my goal for the CDCC and the end of this year at 230 (hopefully).
There's a raft of opportunities to overeat coming up. Lunchtime today is the health and safety fair at my factory, where there'll be grilled chicken, baked potato, baked beans, dessert, ice cream, etc, etc available. Then I'm having dinner with someone from OKCupid at a middle eastern restaurant. Then tomorrow is the beer meetup group after work.
I spent some time this morning thinking about how best to enjoy myself and do as little damage to my weight loss as possible. Here's what I came up with: I'm skipping the health fair food and sticking with my mesclun lunch salad today. I'm going to work out twice tomorrow on the elliptical, and twice on Saturday and Sunday (or for 40 minutes instead of 20 on the elliptical). I'll not go overboard tonight at dinner, and have a few small beers and some wings tomorrow. I keep feeling my quads and feeling how they're more muscular than they were even a week ago - it feels great!
Outside of tomorrow evening, I don't have plans for the rest of the weekend (except for fire drill Saturday morning), so it runs the chance of being like last weekend where I sat home bored and lonely. (Although I did read the first Twilight book - a fast read!) I have yard work to do, but that doesn't help with the not-alone part. I'll have to think about this today. Maybe TaxMan wants to do something, or the Young Professor, who I'm having dinner with tonight (he's 29), or maybe there will be folks hanging out at the firehouse. I don't want to spend time with people just to be not alone, because then I feel drained. Something to work on. How to actively get my needs met without sitting around and hoping that magically something will happen, like I did last weekend.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Eighteen!
I met the TaxMan last night and it was much more enjoyable than I expected. He does communicate better face-to-face than by email. It turns out that we work for the same company! He's at HQ downtown and I'm at the chemical plant in a 'burb. Our plan was to meet for tea, but the place was closed. So we walked a bit and ended up at a bar where he bought me a glass of wine.
And then I DID work out at the firehouse on the way home. Started on the elliptical and I just couldn't hack it after that wine, so I switched to the treadmill and did 20 minutes at 3.0-3.2 mph and incline of 4-5, plus some weights. Up 0.2 pounds this morning to 250.6, but it's not all bad.
Because I'm wearing size 18 pants today!
That got me so jacked up that I looked seriously at these 2-1/2 inch heel Nine West pumps that I scored at the Salvation Army last year (below on the right). I haven't worn heels in maybe 4 years, so I settled for the mary janes on the left. That plastic bag behind me in the upper picture is clothes to go to the Salvation Army. I'm already growing too small for some of my clothes. Yeah, I feel good. .
This meeting new people on OKCupid is giving me a chance to explore my thought patterns and self esteem again. I pulled out a book that I've had for years, called When is Enough, Enough? that's been helpful.
I thought about skills that I developed as I was growing up that worked well for me at the time but are holding me back now. My dad left us when I was 9 and my mother liked my sister more and took her shit out on me. (Not making this up. My mother agrees.) What skills did I develop that worked then but are holding me back now? Be hyper wary. Expect people to not say what they feel. Learn how to figure out what people feel. Don't be open with how I feel. Don't be vulnerable. Don't trust anyone. Don't let anyone else help me carry my load. Don't expect people I care about to be nice to me. Figure out how to take care of my shit by myself. Figure out how to get my own needs met without help.
It's OK. These skills have done very well for me over the years. I'm a successful engineer. I've seen my country and the world and done things most people only dream of. But I've got to change my thought patterns if I want the next 45 years to be different than the past 45. Can't change 'em until I realize what they are! This exercise is definitely helping me see more about myself. Things I never really thought about before, and that's a good thing. So, yeah. Even though I had to close my office door and cry this morning, I feel good. In fact - I think I may get that pedicure tonight!
And then I DID work out at the firehouse on the way home. Started on the elliptical and I just couldn't hack it after that wine, so I switched to the treadmill and did 20 minutes at 3.0-3.2 mph and incline of 4-5, plus some weights. Up 0.2 pounds this morning to 250.6, but it's not all bad.
Because I'm wearing size 18 pants today!
I thought about skills that I developed as I was growing up that worked well for me at the time but are holding me back now. My dad left us when I was 9 and my mother liked my sister more and took her shit out on me. (Not making this up. My mother agrees.) What skills did I develop that worked then but are holding me back now? Be hyper wary. Expect people to not say what they feel. Learn how to figure out what people feel. Don't be open with how I feel. Don't be vulnerable. Don't trust anyone. Don't let anyone else help me carry my load. Don't expect people I care about to be nice to me. Figure out how to take care of my shit by myself. Figure out how to get my own needs met without help.
It's OK. These skills have done very well for me over the years. I'm a successful engineer. I've seen my country and the world and done things most people only dream of. But I've got to change my thought patterns if I want the next 45 years to be different than the past 45. Can't change 'em until I realize what they are! This exercise is definitely helping me see more about myself. Things I never really thought about before, and that's a good thing. So, yeah. Even though I had to close my office door and cry this morning, I feel good. In fact - I think I may get that pedicure tonight!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Rats!
Over the last week, excuses to not exercise have been sneaking up on me. I let them get the better of me last week and skipped 3 workouts. So I started switching it up. Instead of a DVD (where I have to make decisions as the dude or gal is jumping around on screen, "am I going to do this move?" And I start doing moves less and less enthusiastically), I changed back to the elliptical (where I can just mindlessly do it, tunes blasting in my ears, no decisions). I like the idea of having exercise options!
Since Saturday I've been doing it in the morning, shortly after I got up. Monday was tough, but I did it. I knew last night that I wouldn't be able to make myself get up this morning to exercise, so I packed the bag and put it right next to the door, thinking I'd do it at lunchtime or after work at the work gym. (Never mind that I'm supposed to meet Mr OKCupid Tax Man after work. I thought that something would happen and I'd magically look great right after working out. Ha!)
Anyway - just as I was getting ready to leave the house this morning, we got a call for a traffic accident and I went. I got back to the house an hour later, and hurrying to get to work only an hour late, I stepped right over my workout bag without noticing (and forgot to take out the trash).
So now I'm at work sans exercise clothes. If I work out at all today, it will be around dinnertime, after I meet taxman. Rats! I don't like leaving things until the last minute. I'll look at this as an opportunity to develop another workout option. Someway, somehow. If I have to work out at dinnertime, that's what I'll do.
Scale this morning, 250.4, which is 0.6 down from yesterday. I went to fire drill last night, but it was no fun at all. There were 2 new guys, and our loudmouth was showing them around - something that nobody did for me when I was new. I can't think about that stuff, all it does is piss me off. When I found out that they were going to have pizza again, I went home. I made a juice with red cabbage, carrots, lemon, lime, ginger, apples and a pear and was drinking it when we got another call for a fire at Burger King. Since I knew there were already 10+ people at the firehouse, I didn't bother going.
I agree 100% with Nanette who wrote today about how nice it is to have you guys around. I'm writing stuff in this blog that I think about, but don't normally tell people because it feels ... self-centered. I love to see y'alls progress pictures - keep 'em coming, and I think I may post some myself next week.
Since Saturday I've been doing it in the morning, shortly after I got up. Monday was tough, but I did it. I knew last night that I wouldn't be able to make myself get up this morning to exercise, so I packed the bag and put it right next to the door, thinking I'd do it at lunchtime or after work at the work gym. (Never mind that I'm supposed to meet Mr OKCupid Tax Man after work. I thought that something would happen and I'd magically look great right after working out. Ha!)
Anyway - just as I was getting ready to leave the house this morning, we got a call for a traffic accident and I went. I got back to the house an hour later, and hurrying to get to work only an hour late, I stepped right over my workout bag without noticing (and forgot to take out the trash).
So now I'm at work sans exercise clothes. If I work out at all today, it will be around dinnertime, after I meet taxman. Rats! I don't like leaving things until the last minute. I'll look at this as an opportunity to develop another workout option. Someway, somehow. If I have to work out at dinnertime, that's what I'll do.
Scale this morning, 250.4, which is 0.6 down from yesterday. I went to fire drill last night, but it was no fun at all. There were 2 new guys, and our loudmouth was showing them around - something that nobody did for me when I was new. I can't think about that stuff, all it does is piss me off. When I found out that they were going to have pizza again, I went home. I made a juice with red cabbage, carrots, lemon, lime, ginger, apples and a pear and was drinking it when we got another call for a fire at Burger King. Since I knew there were already 10+ people at the firehouse, I didn't bother going.
I agree 100% with Nanette who wrote today about how nice it is to have you guys around. I'm writing stuff in this blog that I think about, but don't normally tell people because it feels ... self-centered. I love to see y'alls progress pictures - keep 'em coming, and I think I may post some myself next week.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Week 2 Update
This is the second update for Fire Up for Fall, and I'm happy to say that 1.4 pounds disappeared since yesterday, down to 251! TOM went away and my normal good mood came back. I've lived alone since my divorce 13 years ago, with the exception of 1-1/2 years in South Carolina and I can't remember ever being as lonely as I was last week. I've normally been happy alone, which is why I haven't worked too hard to change it. But for the past month something is different in my head and now it's a priority. Funny how things click like that. Weight loss for me has been the same. Wake up one morning and it works because something has clicked.
Here's my positive picture - maybe only for me, LOL! I'm going to get a pedicure when I get below 250. It's so close, only 1+ pound to go to the first reward! Maybe some evening this week or this weekend, these tootsies are going to be shiny and bright pink.
Now for this week's questions:
1. What have you done this week to help you achieve your goals? I worked out 4/7 days and stayed mostly under my calorie limit. It was mediocre, but I'm going for consistency rather than superstardom.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? On Thursday I went out to a beer meetup and interacted with peeps I like. I want to do better on making myself feel fabulous this week.
3. What is your talent? What are you good at? I'm good at breaking down big problems and deciding what to do. Also good at making decisions. I'm the one that sees what's going to happen and starts to do something before anyone else realizes. Yeah, so it comes from having an alcoholic parent, but something good had to come from it!
4. What's been the highlight of your week, toot your horn, what are you proud of ! I'm proud that I didn't binge last week, or drink too much, even though I had a tough week, PMS-wise. I maintained the consistency that I'm shooting for and still got a loss for the week.
5. Fun Question: What's your guilty pleasure TV? Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition, celebrity news shows.
So, let's talk about internet dating for a moment. First, I get that like attracts like. When I'm uncomfortable in my skin and expecting to be rejected, that's what I get. With my growing sense of confidence, I jumped in again last week and emailed a few guys and responded to a few that emailed me. I'm meeting one for coffee after work tomorrow. He's not a great emailer, but he's got degrees and a career in international taxation, so he's got to be a decent communicator to have made it as far as he has. I've met a few doozies in the last few years because I've given people the benefit of the doubt like this.
I also emailed someone that I went out to dinner with 2 years ago and we'll get together later this week for dinner again. He's 5'6" and 29 (way shorter than me and way younger than me), but really smart and we've got a 91% match percent, so we agree on all the important things. Apparently he's got a hot tub now because he invited me Saturday, then again last night. I'd rather have dinner with him first, so the first time I see him isn't in the hot tub! I made excuses both times and went for dinner plans instead. It was an opportunity to be assertive about my boundaries but I didn't take it.
Then, I emailed briefly with a teacher. He teaches phys ed and coaches after school. He wanted to go to text right away, and I waited a few days before giving him my number. So then, I get a text from him at 10:30 Saturday night with a picture of his .... dick. First text ever from him, and all he can say is "how would you like to suck this?" Ummm, how about no freakin way?
I'm emailing with someone who seems like a happy guy. Love that! He doesn't have any degrees, but then neither did my ex husband or any other guy I've had relationships with. I like 'em real. I've been trying to move towards guys with degrees, because less of them seem to be train wrecks, but a big pickup truck makes me melt.
Also emailed someone who looks at my profile every few days. He spends a whole paragraph in his profile saying don't email him if you're overweight, but geez, why is he looking at mine so much then? I have full body pics up. So I emailed him anyway. He didn't answer. Jerk. (Last summer I met a firefighter who only wanted a girl to be in shape, but then we went out a few times and he definitely liked me. I just wasn't feeling it with him. He did change his profile though after meeting me!) After I'm an amazon goddess, I'm SO tempted to write in my profile that "all you guys that weren't interested in me when I was 50 pounds heavier, don't bother contacting me now. I'm the same person I was, just thinner. You deserve all the shallow people you get." I know - catty. Internet dating drives me nuts sometimes!
Here's my positive picture - maybe only for me, LOL! I'm going to get a pedicure when I get below 250. It's so close, only 1+ pound to go to the first reward! Maybe some evening this week or this weekend, these tootsies are going to be shiny and bright pink.
1. What have you done this week to help you achieve your goals? I worked out 4/7 days and stayed mostly under my calorie limit. It was mediocre, but I'm going for consistency rather than superstardom.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? On Thursday I went out to a beer meetup and interacted with peeps I like. I want to do better on making myself feel fabulous this week.
3. What is your talent? What are you good at? I'm good at breaking down big problems and deciding what to do. Also good at making decisions. I'm the one that sees what's going to happen and starts to do something before anyone else realizes. Yeah, so it comes from having an alcoholic parent, but something good had to come from it!
4. What's been the highlight of your week, toot your horn, what are you proud of ! I'm proud that I didn't binge last week, or drink too much, even though I had a tough week, PMS-wise. I maintained the consistency that I'm shooting for and still got a loss for the week.
5. Fun Question: What's your guilty pleasure TV? Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition, celebrity news shows.
So, let's talk about internet dating for a moment. First, I get that like attracts like. When I'm uncomfortable in my skin and expecting to be rejected, that's what I get. With my growing sense of confidence, I jumped in again last week and emailed a few guys and responded to a few that emailed me. I'm meeting one for coffee after work tomorrow. He's not a great emailer, but he's got degrees and a career in international taxation, so he's got to be a decent communicator to have made it as far as he has. I've met a few doozies in the last few years because I've given people the benefit of the doubt like this.
I also emailed someone that I went out to dinner with 2 years ago and we'll get together later this week for dinner again. He's 5'6" and 29 (way shorter than me and way younger than me), but really smart and we've got a 91% match percent, so we agree on all the important things. Apparently he's got a hot tub now because he invited me Saturday, then again last night. I'd rather have dinner with him first, so the first time I see him isn't in the hot tub! I made excuses both times and went for dinner plans instead. It was an opportunity to be assertive about my boundaries but I didn't take it.
Then, I emailed briefly with a teacher. He teaches phys ed and coaches after school. He wanted to go to text right away, and I waited a few days before giving him my number. So then, I get a text from him at 10:30 Saturday night with a picture of his .... dick. First text ever from him, and all he can say is "how would you like to suck this?" Ummm, how about no freakin way?
I'm emailing with someone who seems like a happy guy. Love that! He doesn't have any degrees, but then neither did my ex husband or any other guy I've had relationships with. I like 'em real. I've been trying to move towards guys with degrees, because less of them seem to be train wrecks, but a big pickup truck makes me melt.
Also emailed someone who looks at my profile every few days. He spends a whole paragraph in his profile saying don't email him if you're overweight, but geez, why is he looking at mine so much then? I have full body pics up. So I emailed him anyway. He didn't answer. Jerk. (Last summer I met a firefighter who only wanted a girl to be in shape, but then we went out a few times and he definitely liked me. I just wasn't feeling it with him. He did change his profile though after meeting me!) After I'm an amazon goddess, I'm SO tempted to write in my profile that "all you guys that weren't interested in me when I was 50 pounds heavier, don't bother contacting me now. I'm the same person I was, just thinner. You deserve all the shallow people you get." I know - catty. Internet dating drives me nuts sometimes!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
CDCC Week 2 Weigh In
252.4 = 1.6 pounds lost this week.
It was a rollercoaster. Up to 255 for TOM before coming back down. Just squeaked in a loss for the week on the last day.
Food: Sun (1658, no ex), Mon (1285, 15 min step, 15 min pilates DVDs), Tues (1211, 20 min DVD), Wed (1250, 45 minutes on 2 DVDs), Thurs (1570, no ex), Fri (1294, no ex), Sat (1679, 15 min elliptical)
It was a good exercise to go back through the week for this summary because in my memory I did better than the numbers show. I went over 1370 calories on 3 days, and didn't exercise on 3 days. Food after the fire drills Monday and Saturday was bad. Yesterday it was hamburgers with cheddar cheese and bacon inside. I had one with no bun. It musta had lots of additives because on top of the 450 calories (!!) it was, all it did was make me hungrier.
Food after Monday's drill was pizza and I had 2 small square pieces. And a few of us went out for lunch Friday to, you guessed it, a pizza place. I'm so thrilled to be invited that of course I went. I logged the cals.
Exercise: I started the week doing DVDs, but fell off the wagon after I overdid it jumping around Wednesday. When I finally made myself do something again yesterday, I went back to the elliptical at the firehouse, 15 min yesterday and 20 minutes this morning. I didn't push myself. This week's PMS was a major bad surprise, much worse than usual, and it threw me way off balance.
Reading: I started the new book, How to Raise Your Self Esteem and did some of the writing exercises Friday night.
Supporting other bloggers: I think I only supported 5-10 this week. I read them all, but need to come up with a better system for commenting (I can't comment on blogs from work and didn't spend enough time on it in the evenings).
Good for the week: I went to a poetry slam on Tuesday night that I enjoyed, and went to the beer meetup (late) on Thursday. Three fire calls this week, a car accident, an EMS call and a fire alarm. Have been in email contact with a few dudes on OKCupid. May be meeting one tonight. My face slims first, and it feels good to see myself looking better. Gives me more confidence.
Bad for the week: The PMS really made me feel emotionally terrible on Wednesday and Thursday. I had no plans for Friday or Saturday night and was hoping that stuff would be going on at the firehouse that I could hang around. Nope. Nothing. It's not fitting into my world that I think I can make friends with a bunch of guys in their early 20s. (The lowlight was me texting one of them last night to see if he wanted to hang out at the firehouse. He said no.) It just doesn't fit. I could be their mother. They probably see that better than I do.
I'm so freaking busy during the weekday evenings, that I need to take a hard look at giving my time and energy only to things and people that make me feel great. (I've been doing dog training on Tuesdays for the last 4 weeks and all it does is stress me and the dog out. Hm. I'm only halfway through it.) Then the weekend comes and I'm bored and lonely. Double Hm.
I can't wait for Meditation class to start on October 4th. Plus, I think I'll go to an open mic at a nearby coffeehouse on Thursday (to watch :) I love being around creative people!) and I think there's another beer meetup on Friday. Yeah, I'm a planner. Good thing, because I can start saving up the calories now for a few beers on Friday. My goal is to make next weekend better than this weekend has been, and that is totally doable.
It was a rollercoaster. Up to 255 for TOM before coming back down. Just squeaked in a loss for the week on the last day.
Food: Sun (1658, no ex), Mon (1285, 15 min step, 15 min pilates DVDs), Tues (1211, 20 min DVD), Wed (1250, 45 minutes on 2 DVDs), Thurs (1570, no ex), Fri (1294, no ex), Sat (1679, 15 min elliptical)
It was a good exercise to go back through the week for this summary because in my memory I did better than the numbers show. I went over 1370 calories on 3 days, and didn't exercise on 3 days. Food after the fire drills Monday and Saturday was bad. Yesterday it was hamburgers with cheddar cheese and bacon inside. I had one with no bun. It musta had lots of additives because on top of the 450 calories (!!) it was, all it did was make me hungrier.
Food after Monday's drill was pizza and I had 2 small square pieces. And a few of us went out for lunch Friday to, you guessed it, a pizza place. I'm so thrilled to be invited that of course I went. I logged the cals.
Exercise: I started the week doing DVDs, but fell off the wagon after I overdid it jumping around Wednesday. When I finally made myself do something again yesterday, I went back to the elliptical at the firehouse, 15 min yesterday and 20 minutes this morning. I didn't push myself. This week's PMS was a major bad surprise, much worse than usual, and it threw me way off balance.
Reading: I started the new book, How to Raise Your Self Esteem and did some of the writing exercises Friday night.
Supporting other bloggers: I think I only supported 5-10 this week. I read them all, but need to come up with a better system for commenting (I can't comment on blogs from work and didn't spend enough time on it in the evenings).
Good for the week: I went to a poetry slam on Tuesday night that I enjoyed, and went to the beer meetup (late) on Thursday. Three fire calls this week, a car accident, an EMS call and a fire alarm. Have been in email contact with a few dudes on OKCupid. May be meeting one tonight. My face slims first, and it feels good to see myself looking better. Gives me more confidence.
Bad for the week: The PMS really made me feel emotionally terrible on Wednesday and Thursday. I had no plans for Friday or Saturday night and was hoping that stuff would be going on at the firehouse that I could hang around. Nope. Nothing. It's not fitting into my world that I think I can make friends with a bunch of guys in their early 20s. (The lowlight was me texting one of them last night to see if he wanted to hang out at the firehouse. He said no.) It just doesn't fit. I could be their mother. They probably see that better than I do.
I'm so freaking busy during the weekday evenings, that I need to take a hard look at giving my time and energy only to things and people that make me feel great. (I've been doing dog training on Tuesdays for the last 4 weeks and all it does is stress me and the dog out. Hm. I'm only halfway through it.) Then the weekend comes and I'm bored and lonely. Double Hm.
I can't wait for Meditation class to start on October 4th. Plus, I think I'll go to an open mic at a nearby coffeehouse on Thursday (to watch :) I love being around creative people!) and I think there's another beer meetup on Friday. Yeah, I'm a planner. Good thing, because I can start saving up the calories now for a few beers on Friday. My goal is to make next weekend better than this weekend has been, and that is totally doable.
Friday, September 23, 2011
This is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
It's been a weird week for me. I've been on this dieting and taking better care of myself path for 3 weeks now, and it's beginning to sink in that 90 pounds isn't just going to melt off with hardly any effort. I've written a few times that this is the way I'll have to eat for the rest of my life, but I've still been thinking of it as a diet, not a Way of Eating.
Yesterday I felt a little bad, and wanted to hang out with someone. I drove by the firehouse and nobody was there, so I went home and put in the Jillian 30 Day Shred DVD. I was SO not feeling it. I think I overdid it with the jumping around on Wednesday, and I could barely do 10 jumping jacks. So I stopped and started beating myself up in my head. Beating myself up for not finishing the DVD. For not having any friends I can go hang out with. Etc, etc.
Here's the thing. I HAD something I could have done to be around people. I've been in a beer Meetup group for 3 years, and they were doing something last night. I wasn't going to go because in my (dieting) mind, beer is bad because it's empty calories. So there I was, alone and not wanting to be alone, but staying away from people I know because it's at a bar and I might have a beer. Yeah. It didn't make sense to me either - so I got dressed in outside clothes and got there about 6:45. There was only one person left, but I did have (2) 10-oz beers, trying some new flavors, and we chatted a bit.
I was happy driving home because I had done something to interact with people, and had gotten some good perspective on what my needs are. I need to make friends. I need to be out with people, developing a support network. Yes, I need to lose weight, but that does NOT supercede my need to make friends. If it takes 6 more months to get to GW, then so be it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And I need to not feel so deprived that can't do normal activities that I like to do.
On that note, I've begun thinking about the things that make me me. Things that I used to really enjoy but gave up as I moved around the world and started over, time and time again. Things that make me feel confident and comfortable in my skin, more like the me I know I can be and less like the tense person I've been for the last 10 years or so.
I went to a poetry slam Tuesday night. I had to force myself to get out there because I didn't want to go by myself, but I really enjoyed it. It got me going through boxes to find some of the old poetry I wrote 25 years ago, where I also found a self esteem book that I've had for maybe 15 years. It's called How to Raise Your Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden. I think finding the book is a sign, and I should follow where it leads.
So, I'm finding balance. The balance to fit in 30 minutes of exercise a day (most days), eat (mostly) within my calorie limit of 1370 per day. And the balance to get my ass out in the world and be confident and happy. This is a long-term project that I need to feel good about doing, every single day.
Yesterday I felt a little bad, and wanted to hang out with someone. I drove by the firehouse and nobody was there, so I went home and put in the Jillian 30 Day Shred DVD. I was SO not feeling it. I think I overdid it with the jumping around on Wednesday, and I could barely do 10 jumping jacks. So I stopped and started beating myself up in my head. Beating myself up for not finishing the DVD. For not having any friends I can go hang out with. Etc, etc.
Here's the thing. I HAD something I could have done to be around people. I've been in a beer Meetup group for 3 years, and they were doing something last night. I wasn't going to go because in my (dieting) mind, beer is bad because it's empty calories. So there I was, alone and not wanting to be alone, but staying away from people I know because it's at a bar and I might have a beer. Yeah. It didn't make sense to me either - so I got dressed in outside clothes and got there about 6:45. There was only one person left, but I did have (2) 10-oz beers, trying some new flavors, and we chatted a bit.
I was happy driving home because I had done something to interact with people, and had gotten some good perspective on what my needs are. I need to make friends. I need to be out with people, developing a support network. Yes, I need to lose weight, but that does NOT supercede my need to make friends. If it takes 6 more months to get to GW, then so be it. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And I need to not feel so deprived that can't do normal activities that I like to do.
On that note, I've begun thinking about the things that make me me. Things that I used to really enjoy but gave up as I moved around the world and started over, time and time again. Things that make me feel confident and comfortable in my skin, more like the me I know I can be and less like the tense person I've been for the last 10 years or so.
I went to a poetry slam Tuesday night. I had to force myself to get out there because I didn't want to go by myself, but I really enjoyed it. It got me going through boxes to find some of the old poetry I wrote 25 years ago, where I also found a self esteem book that I've had for maybe 15 years. It's called How to Raise Your Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden. I think finding the book is a sign, and I should follow where it leads.
So, I'm finding balance. The balance to fit in 30 minutes of exercise a day (most days), eat (mostly) within my calorie limit of 1370 per day. And the balance to get my ass out in the world and be confident and happy. This is a long-term project that I need to feel good about doing, every single day.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Coping Mechanisms
To get myself out of a funk of Blah yesterday, I did Power 90 Sculpt 1 and Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Big thanks to KT for giving me the idea that 2 workouts a day are do-able! It did make me feel better. Not great, but back to even. Then we got a call for a car accident (a little bumper bump), and then dog training in the evening, and that was the day yesterday. I made it through without falling into food or drink.
My book is frustrating. It bothers me that in every. other. paragraph. the author says that I have to get a therapist. Every single issue she raises, she says to work through it with my therapist. Gawd. I'm not knocking therapy, goodness knows. It's helped me bunches over the years. But I'm not looking for a book to tell me that I'm broken. It's a book about care for the self (hence the title "Radical Self Care for Weight Loss"), so why does she spend time writing about getting out of abusive relationships, or how to eat small portions through the day. It's all over the place, and I'm finding most of it to be not valuable.
There are some excellent nuggets though. Here's one that I'm digesting now (pun not intended!). Food is my coping mechanism. When I'm losing weight, like now, the weight loss process is my coping mechanism. I'm spending mental and emotional energy focusing on and controlling my food and activity. When I've lost the weight and gotten to maintenance, that coping mechanism won't be there any more. And I won't be able to go back to food as a coping mechanism if I want to keep the weight off. So - I've got to learn other ways to cope.
I've got to start by feeling my feelings, realize that feelings aren't facts and I don't have to act on everything that I feel. I can just feel, note it without judging, and move on.
I get stuck there. I have no idea what most of my feelings are, most of the time.
Like now. I found out this morning that a mistake was made at work and I'm in a wrong place on the org chart. My real job that I thought was mine will have to be posted and I'll have to apply for it. Yeah, it was a shock, and I feel .... something. I'm not sure what, except that I don't feel good. It will be fine in the end. I still have a job that will end up to be what I want. It will take a few more months than I thought, and I'm not happy.
I want to fall into a cookie or a beer, or both. If I had a best friend, or even ANY close friends, I'd want to get together and commiserate over drinks and dinner. I want to stop by the firehouse and hang out and be around people talking about OTHER things to get me out of my head. I want to work out really hard and let those endorphins make me feel better. And I'm still not sure what it is that I'm feeling, exactly.
I think this is what the book means. Find a way to feel what I'm feeling. Find a way to cope with that feeling without being damaging. And then find a way to let it go.
My book is frustrating. It bothers me that in every. other. paragraph. the author says that I have to get a therapist. Every single issue she raises, she says to work through it with my therapist. Gawd. I'm not knocking therapy, goodness knows. It's helped me bunches over the years. But I'm not looking for a book to tell me that I'm broken. It's a book about care for the self (hence the title "Radical Self Care for Weight Loss"), so why does she spend time writing about getting out of abusive relationships, or how to eat small portions through the day. It's all over the place, and I'm finding most of it to be not valuable.
There are some excellent nuggets though. Here's one that I'm digesting now (pun not intended!). Food is my coping mechanism. When I'm losing weight, like now, the weight loss process is my coping mechanism. I'm spending mental and emotional energy focusing on and controlling my food and activity. When I've lost the weight and gotten to maintenance, that coping mechanism won't be there any more. And I won't be able to go back to food as a coping mechanism if I want to keep the weight off. So - I've got to learn other ways to cope.
I've got to start by feeling my feelings, realize that feelings aren't facts and I don't have to act on everything that I feel. I can just feel, note it without judging, and move on.
I get stuck there. I have no idea what most of my feelings are, most of the time.
Like now. I found out this morning that a mistake was made at work and I'm in a wrong place on the org chart. My real job that I thought was mine will have to be posted and I'll have to apply for it. Yeah, it was a shock, and I feel .... something. I'm not sure what, except that I don't feel good. It will be fine in the end. I still have a job that will end up to be what I want. It will take a few more months than I thought, and I'm not happy.
I want to fall into a cookie or a beer, or both. If I had a best friend, or even ANY close friends, I'd want to get together and commiserate over drinks and dinner. I want to stop by the firehouse and hang out and be around people talking about OTHER things to get me out of my head. I want to work out really hard and let those endorphins make me feel better. And I'm still not sure what it is that I'm feeling, exactly.
I think this is what the book means. Find a way to feel what I'm feeling. Find a way to cope with that feeling without being damaging. And then find a way to let it go.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Blah
Gained another pound this morning, back up to 255. Since I've been eating on plan and exercising 1/2 hr each day, it's gotta be water weight. Probably TOM. Since I'm more moody than usual, I'll bet that's it. (This may be TMI, but I've got an IUD, and haven't really had a red period in several years. Most months I don't notice when it is, but since I'm keeping track of my weight now, it's hard to ignore the 2+ pounds.)
I can't describe how I'm feeling today. Blah, I guess. I called in sick, but don't want to do anything at home either, even though I've got a TON of stuff to do. I reactivated my OKCupid online dating profile and rewrote my profile, caught up on newspapers and have basically been doing nothing so far today. I'm gonna do a long exercise DVD soon and hope that the endorphin high boosts my mood a bit. In fact, I think I'll do that now.
I can't describe how I'm feeling today. Blah, I guess. I called in sick, but don't want to do anything at home either, even though I've got a TON of stuff to do. I reactivated my OKCupid online dating profile and rewrote my profile, caught up on newspapers and have basically been doing nothing so far today. I'm gonna do a long exercise DVD soon and hope that the endorphin high boosts my mood a bit. In fact, I think I'll do that now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
New York Times Article
I get NYT headlines by email and got this one today: Why Even Resolute Dieters Often Fail.
The article highlights a study published in Lancet, Quantification of the Effect of Energy Imbalance on Bodyweight (It's free to read if you register) where the authors say most weight loss models don't account for changing fat/lean mass ratios and develop a predictor model they say is better. This is the neat part. The predictor is at: http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/. You don't need to read the article to play with this simulator. I played with it for, easily, a half an hour, changing activity levels, length of time, calories, etc. Fun! Check it out! It says that if I stick to the diet and exercise I'm doing now, I could be down to 170 in a year.
Today's weight for me was up almost 2 pounds to 254.6. I only ate 1285 calories and exercised for 1/2 hour, so the weight gain, I think, is due to 2 things. First, I had that pizza last night, and a cookie yesterday - the only refined carbs I've had in a while. Second, I had a few beers on Sunday and they can be dehydrating, making yesterday's weight especially low, which it was.
I'm OK with both of those. My calories and ex were within plan (or close) both days. My life will have to have the occasional pizza and cookie in it. As long as that's all it is, I'm willing to suck it up and keep going.
I did the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred this morning - most of it anyway! I couldn't get all the full jumping jacks and I can't see how I can do those butt kicks without tripping on the rug! Plus, my smallest hand weights are 5 pounds, so some of the weight moves were, um, tough. But, at 20+ minutes, it totally fits into my schedule. I'll keep on keeping on with that. And, she's really motivating. I love the part when she says, "c'mon, you're going to have to fight for this!"
I have a plan for getting better at commenting on all your blogs. I read them every day from work, but they have us blocked, so I can only comment from home. But by the time I get home, I forget what I wanted to say and have to start all over. So, my plan is to comment on 4-5 every night. That way I should be able to get to all of you at least once a week.
Have a great day, all!
The article highlights a study published in Lancet, Quantification of the Effect of Energy Imbalance on Bodyweight (It's free to read if you register) where the authors say most weight loss models don't account for changing fat/lean mass ratios and develop a predictor model they say is better. This is the neat part. The predictor is at: http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/. You don't need to read the article to play with this simulator. I played with it for, easily, a half an hour, changing activity levels, length of time, calories, etc. Fun! Check it out! It says that if I stick to the diet and exercise I'm doing now, I could be down to 170 in a year.
Today's weight for me was up almost 2 pounds to 254.6. I only ate 1285 calories and exercised for 1/2 hour, so the weight gain, I think, is due to 2 things. First, I had that pizza last night, and a cookie yesterday - the only refined carbs I've had in a while. Second, I had a few beers on Sunday and they can be dehydrating, making yesterday's weight especially low, which it was.
I'm OK with both of those. My calories and ex were within plan (or close) both days. My life will have to have the occasional pizza and cookie in it. As long as that's all it is, I'm willing to suck it up and keep going.
I did the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred this morning - most of it anyway! I couldn't get all the full jumping jacks and I can't see how I can do those butt kicks without tripping on the rug! Plus, my smallest hand weights are 5 pounds, so some of the weight moves were, um, tough. But, at 20+ minutes, it totally fits into my schedule. I'll keep on keeping on with that. And, she's really motivating. I love the part when she says, "c'mon, you're going to have to fight for this!"
I have a plan for getting better at commenting on all your blogs. I read them every day from work, but they have us blocked, so I can only comment from home. But by the time I get home, I forget what I wanted to say and have to start all over. So, my plan is to comment on 4-5 every night. That way I should be able to get to all of you at least once a week.
Have a great day, all!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Fire Drill
I've been a volunteer firefighter for a little over a year now. First at my old place up in the mountains, and for the last 9 or so months at my suburban department. The old department had a few women and I fit in immediately, but in the new department I'm the only girl. I'm an engineer by trade, so am used to being the only woman in a group of men, and I'm too stubborn to give up or quit. We're slowly getting used to each other, the men and I.
Firefighter training last fall was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm used to surviving by my mind and wits, but the first time I had to breathe from the air tank I was afraid like I can't describe. And then they added the part where I had to crawl on my hands and knees through a smoky maze ... in the dark. It's so physical. Like I've never experienced before. Hauling hose, cutting cars open to get people out. It's amazing and scary. And really, really neat.
We had a structure fire 2 weeks ago and I was on the second truck. The job of the second truck is search and rescue, so I (we) put on our air packs and our masks and got ready to jump out and go into the house as soon as we got there. The fire had just been put out, so we went around the smoky house opening windows. It was my first time inside a house for a real fire. It was kindof a rush. I'd practiced so many times at drill that I knew how to do all the stuff.
Anyway - Monday nights are fire drill nights. Tonight we took an engine and a ladder out for a drive and practiced moving water through the ladder guns. The captain (sshh, but I sortof have a crush on him) picked me, ME to go up with him in the bucket. We extended the ladder out all the way and I got to drive the bucket!! (Kinda like the picture below, borrowed from the internets, but our ladder was extended ALL the way, out and up, and it was dark. And, did I say, I got to drive the bucket???)
Then after drill, they feed us. Tonight it was pizza. I had 2 small square pieces for ~350 calories. I'd left a bunch of free calories, so eating the pizza didn't mess anything up. That's what I like! Being able to eat a little of what everyone is eating and still be within plan.
Even though it was extremely cool, what we did, it doesn't come close to a workout, so I'm glad that I did a DVD in the morning. I think I'll do Jillian Michaels tomorrow morning. If I ever get to sleep. I'm SO amped!
Firefighter training last fall was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm used to surviving by my mind and wits, but the first time I had to breathe from the air tank I was afraid like I can't describe. And then they added the part where I had to crawl on my hands and knees through a smoky maze ... in the dark. It's so physical. Like I've never experienced before. Hauling hose, cutting cars open to get people out. It's amazing and scary. And really, really neat.
We had a structure fire 2 weeks ago and I was on the second truck. The job of the second truck is search and rescue, so I (we) put on our air packs and our masks and got ready to jump out and go into the house as soon as we got there. The fire had just been put out, so we went around the smoky house opening windows. It was my first time inside a house for a real fire. It was kindof a rush. I'd practiced so many times at drill that I knew how to do all the stuff.
Anyway - Monday nights are fire drill nights. Tonight we took an engine and a ladder out for a drive and practiced moving water through the ladder guns. The captain (sshh, but I sortof have a crush on him) picked me, ME to go up with him in the bucket. We extended the ladder out all the way and I got to drive the bucket!! (Kinda like the picture below, borrowed from the internets, but our ladder was extended ALL the way, out and up, and it was dark. And, did I say, I got to drive the bucket???)
Even though it was extremely cool, what we did, it doesn't come close to a workout, so I'm glad that I did a DVD in the morning. I think I'll do Jillian Michaels tomorrow morning. If I ever get to sleep. I'm SO amped!
Monday, Monday, Monday
252.8 this morning, -1 lb from yesterday. Surprising, since I didn't exercise and had more cals than planned (still less than my BMR though). I guess I'm going through the honeymoon phase right now. Weight loss seems easy and everything is great. The true test will come soon enough when the loss slows down and stuff seems harder.
Trying to get into the exercise from home DVD habit, I started a Gin Miller Classic Step Moves Cardio Endurance DVD this morning. About 15 minutes into it, I looked at the back of the package and found out that the DVD is an hour and 10 minutes or so! Holy heck, I didn't have time for that! So I stopped it and did most of a pilates video for a total of about 40 minutes of exercise. I need to find some DVDs that I know are about 1/2 an hour to 45 minutes for morning workouts. I SO want to shop for more videos, but will likely force myself to work through the ones I already have, like Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and Power 90.
Working out in the am at home takes care of having to make sure I have workout clothes with me, etc, etc. It's SO freakin simple! I should make it a habit!
Huge NSV: my plantar fasciitis is going away!! For the last year it's been painful every day to walk and I've felt about 80 years old. Yesterday I could walk first thing in the morning without having to stretch my feet and calves.
I joined another challenge. I've been reading mary g's blog, a small loss, and enjoyed the thoughtful aspects of answering questions every week. I like the idea of being forced to understand/address my feelings. It's something I'm terrible at. So I joined the Fire Up for Fall challenge, and Monday's posts will be my responses to the challenge questions, starting with an inspirational picture.
I don't really have any inspirational pictures, so I looked through some of my old photos for one that makes me feel good. It's my cat, doing what we all sometimes want to do.
1. What are your goals for the Fall Challenge? (List your 5 or more goals) Why have you chosen those goals?
- Lose 20-25 pounds, to 235-230 by the end of the year
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge. It'll be evidence that I'm finally willing to put myself and my needs first, instead of being so goal oriented that I ignore myself, all the while kicking myself for not being perfect.
- Work through my Christmas Dress Challenge book and do all the exercises. Find a second book and do that one too. Focus on self acceptance and self esteem and feeling my feelings. I've started this work a few times, and tend to drop it after a week or two. Working through 2 books will take long enough, hopefully, to force me to spend time working on my interior.
- Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Power 90 DVDs. 30 days for the shred and 90 days for Power 90 will take longer than 10 weeks, but I should be able to get them in by the end of the CDCC. Exercise hasn't been a regular part of my life for over 10 years. It should be. I can exercise at the firehouse or at the gym at work, but I want to get used to exercising at home, so I can't use the excuse of no clothes with me, or bad weather to skip it.
- Continue to invest time in my volunteer fire department. It's been a hard 9 months with this group (being the only girl and all), but I'm finally beginning to find a place that's semi-comfortable.
- Look at where I spend my time and energy and look for places and people that make me feel good and will lead to friendships. My ultimate goal is to make some close friends and/or enter into a relationship with a significant other. Right now I feel like I'm busy, but not on things that "feed my soul" or will ever turn into friendships. I've moved around and started over so many times; the last time I had a close friend was before 2007 when I moved overseas. It hasn't happened here yet even though I've been here for 3 years, work people don't go out (well, they do, but even though I've dropped obvious hints, they don't invite me), I've tried a few meetup groups, none have been a good fit...yet. It's not something my goal-oriented self can just be a project manager and accomplish. The best thing I can think of is to work on being happy and being places and with people that make me happy. The rest will take care of itself - gawd, I hope.
3. What have you done this week that's made you feel fabulous?
I worked out 5 out of 7 days. On the days that I didn't work out, I did do exercises in front of the TV. I ate well, resulting in over 3 pounds lost this week.
4. What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?
I don't really have a strategy for dealing with normal life situations like eating out or going to the movies other than avoidance. When the self acceptance work starts working, I hope to have more of a social life or even a boyfriend, which will mean more time in these situations.
5. Fun Question! Where in the World do you live? What's amazing about it?
I live in Upstate NY, 3 hours north of New York City. This is a beautiful time of year here. When the leaves turn, tourists come from all over the country to see our colorful countryside. It's also apple season.
Trying to get into the exercise from home DVD habit, I started a Gin Miller Classic Step Moves Cardio Endurance DVD this morning. About 15 minutes into it, I looked at the back of the package and found out that the DVD is an hour and 10 minutes or so! Holy heck, I didn't have time for that! So I stopped it and did most of a pilates video for a total of about 40 minutes of exercise. I need to find some DVDs that I know are about 1/2 an hour to 45 minutes for morning workouts. I SO want to shop for more videos, but will likely force myself to work through the ones I already have, like Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and Power 90.
Working out in the am at home takes care of having to make sure I have workout clothes with me, etc, etc. It's SO freakin simple! I should make it a habit!
Huge NSV: my plantar fasciitis is going away!! For the last year it's been painful every day to walk and I've felt about 80 years old. Yesterday I could walk first thing in the morning without having to stretch my feet and calves.
I joined another challenge. I've been reading mary g's blog, a small loss, and enjoyed the thoughtful aspects of answering questions every week. I like the idea of being forced to understand/address my feelings. It's something I'm terrible at. So I joined the Fire Up for Fall challenge, and Monday's posts will be my responses to the challenge questions, starting with an inspirational picture.
I don't really have any inspirational pictures, so I looked through some of my old photos for one that makes me feel good. It's my cat, doing what we all sometimes want to do.
1. What are your goals for the Fall Challenge? (List your 5 or more goals) Why have you chosen those goals?
- Lose 20-25 pounds, to 235-230 by the end of the year
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge. It'll be evidence that I'm finally willing to put myself and my needs first, instead of being so goal oriented that I ignore myself, all the while kicking myself for not being perfect.
- Work through my Christmas Dress Challenge book and do all the exercises. Find a second book and do that one too. Focus on self acceptance and self esteem and feeling my feelings. I've started this work a few times, and tend to drop it after a week or two. Working through 2 books will take long enough, hopefully, to force me to spend time working on my interior.
- Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Power 90 DVDs. 30 days for the shred and 90 days for Power 90 will take longer than 10 weeks, but I should be able to get them in by the end of the CDCC. Exercise hasn't been a regular part of my life for over 10 years. It should be. I can exercise at the firehouse or at the gym at work, but I want to get used to exercising at home, so I can't use the excuse of no clothes with me, or bad weather to skip it.
- Continue to invest time in my volunteer fire department. It's been a hard 9 months with this group (being the only girl and all), but I'm finally beginning to find a place that's semi-comfortable.
- Look at where I spend my time and energy and look for places and people that make me feel good and will lead to friendships. My ultimate goal is to make some close friends and/or enter into a relationship with a significant other. Right now I feel like I'm busy, but not on things that "feed my soul" or will ever turn into friendships. I've moved around and started over so many times; the last time I had a close friend was before 2007 when I moved overseas. It hasn't happened here yet even though I've been here for 3 years, work people don't go out (well, they do, but even though I've dropped obvious hints, they don't invite me), I've tried a few meetup groups, none have been a good fit...yet. It's not something my goal-oriented self can just be a project manager and accomplish. The best thing I can think of is to work on being happy and being places and with people that make me happy. The rest will take care of itself - gawd, I hope.
3. What have you done this week that's made you feel fabulous?
I worked out 5 out of 7 days. On the days that I didn't work out, I did do exercises in front of the TV. I ate well, resulting in over 3 pounds lost this week.
4. What do you think will be your biggest challenge in reaching your goals?
I don't really have a strategy for dealing with normal life situations like eating out or going to the movies other than avoidance. When the self acceptance work starts working, I hope to have more of a social life or even a boyfriend, which will mean more time in these situations.
5. Fun Question! Where in the World do you live? What's amazing about it?
I live in Upstate NY, 3 hours north of New York City. This is a beautiful time of year here. When the leaves turn, tourists come from all over the country to see our colorful countryside. It's also apple season.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
CDCC Week 1 Weigh In
253.8 this morning compared to 258 last Sunday, 3.8 pounds gone this week! Nine pounds lost so far. Goal for the end of the year is 230 pounds, 23.8 to go. Forever goal is 199 to not be obese and be in the oneders (or maybe 169 to not be overweight, but I haven't been THAT for over 20 years).
Yesterday I did the Kathy Smith buns and thighs step video. It was funny noticing everyone's 80's hairstyles and outfits. Funny I say, but the workout kicked. my. butt. I've been really bad at doing exercise videos at home because I've had a hard time making myself actually DO the workout vs mostly watching it. I hope I get over that because it's the simplest way to do a workout. Don't have to drive anywhere, etc, etc. Plus, I have a lot of exercise DVDs (wishful thinking over the years).
I really really want to go see the movie Contagion! I'm addicted to movie popcorn though and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to resist. So, it's safer to stay away for now. I wish I could buy, like 5 kernels to get the taste.
I just got my book last night and started to read it. It's a self-published book from Amazon, and it really would have benefited from an editor. I'm a little annoyed by the author telling me to get a therapist every other paragraph, but I think the book still has value. It's about Radical Self Care for Weight Loss.
Here's what I've learned so far. Three times a day ask myself, "what am I feeling right now?" and then mirror my response. So if I think, "I'm feeling nervous," I should then tell myself, "so you're feeling nervous." Also, at the same time, I should ask myself "what do I WANT," and "what do I NEED" right now, mirroring those as well. Then, as much as possible, give myself what I want or need. Doing this helps me to take care of myself, feelings that I've been pushing down and using food to anesthetize. The next chapter is about Mistaken Core Beliefs, like I'm worthless or I'm unlovable.
On another note - is anyone interested in doing a book swap? If there's interest, I'll figure out how to do it.
I blogged every day except yesterday. I only supported three other bloggers this week - I'll have to put more priority on that as it really helps me when other bloggers support me.
Calories
Mon 1346 (no exercise, left my gym clothes at home, firehouse physical in the evening)
Tues 1288 (-348 cals exercise)
Weds 2136 (no exercise, it was too buggy to golf, restaurant dinner)
Thurs 984 (-394 cals elliptical+ weights)
Fri 1294 (-262 cals elliptical + weights)
Sat 1000 (-491 cals, step video)
Sun 1511 so far (no exercise)
Yesterday I did the Kathy Smith buns and thighs step video. It was funny noticing everyone's 80's hairstyles and outfits. Funny I say, but the workout kicked. my. butt. I've been really bad at doing exercise videos at home because I've had a hard time making myself actually DO the workout vs mostly watching it. I hope I get over that because it's the simplest way to do a workout. Don't have to drive anywhere, etc, etc. Plus, I have a lot of exercise DVDs (wishful thinking over the years).
I really really want to go see the movie Contagion! I'm addicted to movie popcorn though and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to resist. So, it's safer to stay away for now. I wish I could buy, like 5 kernels to get the taste.
I just got my book last night and started to read it. It's a self-published book from Amazon, and it really would have benefited from an editor. I'm a little annoyed by the author telling me to get a therapist every other paragraph, but I think the book still has value. It's about Radical Self Care for Weight Loss.
Here's what I've learned so far. Three times a day ask myself, "what am I feeling right now?" and then mirror my response. So if I think, "I'm feeling nervous," I should then tell myself, "so you're feeling nervous." Also, at the same time, I should ask myself "what do I WANT," and "what do I NEED" right now, mirroring those as well. Then, as much as possible, give myself what I want or need. Doing this helps me to take care of myself, feelings that I've been pushing down and using food to anesthetize. The next chapter is about Mistaken Core Beliefs, like I'm worthless or I'm unlovable.
On another note - is anyone interested in doing a book swap? If there's interest, I'll figure out how to do it.
I blogged every day except yesterday. I only supported three other bloggers this week - I'll have to put more priority on that as it really helps me when other bloggers support me.
Calories
Mon 1346 (no exercise, left my gym clothes at home, firehouse physical in the evening)
Tues 1288 (-348 cals exercise)
Weds 2136 (no exercise, it was too buggy to golf, restaurant dinner)
Thurs 984 (-394 cals elliptical+ weights)
Fri 1294 (-262 cals elliptical + weights)
Sat 1000 (-491 cals, step video)
Sun 1511 so far (no exercise)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day 6 - Recovering
I ate well yesterday (<1000 calories) and exercised, 15 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill and then some weight lifting, but this morning's weight, at 257.2 is basically the same as yesterday, and 2 pounds UP from the other day. I didn't binge. It's just normal fluctuation for me. It highlights that I can't take one day's weight as gospel. A month ago I was going back and forth around 262 and now I'm going back and forth around 258, so that's progress in the right direction. By the end of the year, I want to be going around 235, not by dieting, so much as by changing the way I live.
I figured out what my BMR would be if I weighed 169, and it's about 1450 calories a day, compared to now it's 1850 calories per day. If I want to weigh 169 pounds, I'll have to eat like a 169-pounder! Less calories for the rest of my life! I gotta get used to it! Some days will be 2000 cals and some will be 1000, but it has to average out to less than 1500.
Anyway - today I want to talk about my yogurt maker. I bought it last winter. I was looking for full fat yogurt (because it satisfies me much better than lowfat) and I don't like the taste of Plain yogurt, but all the grocery store yogurt was low fat. So I figured I'd have to make my own!
I did a bunch of research on how to make homemade yogurt, and you don't need a yogurt maker. (You just need to keep the temperature around 100 degrees for 8 or so hours. You can use a slow cooker or a styrofoam cooler, or stove top over a pilot light or anything, really, that keeps the mix at the right temp.) I was uncomfortable trying any of those ways, so I bought a yogurt maker.
One of the great things about homemade yogurt is that you can flavor it any way you want. My favorite is honey that a friend of mine gave me from her bees. I've also used peach and rhubarb/strawberry flavored jams. One key for me (since I don't love plain yogurt), is using a yogurt culture that makes a sweeter yogurt. You can use a few tablespoons of yogurt to make more yogurt, but I chose to buy culture instead and start with milk. This little container will make 50+ batches, and it has a very smooth taste.
The other thing that's neat about making your own yogurt is that you can use any kind of millk you want! I wanted higher fat, so I tried some combinations of whole milk mixed with cream. There are some farms around here, so I've tried raw milk, and also coconut milk. Some batches were more successful than others! These days, for a 42 ounce batch in 7 jars, I'm using 3 cups of whole milk and 2-1/4 cups of light cream. When I use heavy cream it's thicker (and richer). You could use skim milk if you wanted, but then you'd have to add powdered milk to get it to thicken.
I brought a jar of homemade yogurt to work today. It's perfect for the late morning to get me through the lunchtime workout until I can eat my salad in the afternoon. I feel good knowing that I'm giving my GI tract some good bugs and some energy to get me through the workout without crashing.
Have a good day all! Take care of yourselves!
I figured out what my BMR would be if I weighed 169, and it's about 1450 calories a day, compared to now it's 1850 calories per day. If I want to weigh 169 pounds, I'll have to eat like a 169-pounder! Less calories for the rest of my life! I gotta get used to it! Some days will be 2000 cals and some will be 1000, but it has to average out to less than 1500.
Anyway - today I want to talk about my yogurt maker. I bought it last winter. I was looking for full fat yogurt (because it satisfies me much better than lowfat) and I don't like the taste of Plain yogurt, but all the grocery store yogurt was low fat. So I figured I'd have to make my own!
One of the great things about homemade yogurt is that you can flavor it any way you want. My favorite is honey that a friend of mine gave me from her bees. I've also used peach and rhubarb/strawberry flavored jams. One key for me (since I don't love plain yogurt), is using a yogurt culture that makes a sweeter yogurt. You can use a few tablespoons of yogurt to make more yogurt, but I chose to buy culture instead and start with milk. This little container will make 50+ batches, and it has a very smooth taste.
The other thing that's neat about making your own yogurt is that you can use any kind of millk you want! I wanted higher fat, so I tried some combinations of whole milk mixed with cream. There are some farms around here, so I've tried raw milk, and also coconut milk. Some batches were more successful than others! These days, for a 42 ounce batch in 7 jars, I'm using 3 cups of whole milk and 2-1/4 cups of light cream. When I use heavy cream it's thicker (and richer). You could use skim milk if you wanted, but then you'd have to add powdered milk to get it to thicken.
I brought a jar of homemade yogurt to work today. It's perfect for the late morning to get me through the lunchtime workout until I can eat my salad in the afternoon. I feel good knowing that I'm giving my GI tract some good bugs and some energy to get me through the workout without crashing.
Have a good day all! Take care of yourselves!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day 5 - Fail
I keep thinking "epic fail" in my head, but it just SEEMs that bad.
I had it all planned out - and then it was too buggy to play golf and we went straight to dinner. Delete the 750 calories I was going to spend pulling the cart. Add the 800 calories for a restaurant dinner and we have a grand total of 2136 cals for the day and no exercise.
I get it. This is going to happen. That's what life is. It was a shrimp appetizer, some hummus, stuffed grape leaves and 2 glasses of wine. The world isn't ending. I just feel bloated and icky now. Hard to believe I ate this much EVERY DAY just a few months ago.
This morning's scale confirmed the excess, up 1 pound to 257.4. I'm expecting that clean eating, a good workout and lots and lots of water will take that back off. I hope.
I had it all planned out - and then it was too buggy to play golf and we went straight to dinner. Delete the 750 calories I was going to spend pulling the cart. Add the 800 calories for a restaurant dinner and we have a grand total of 2136 cals for the day and no exercise.
I get it. This is going to happen. That's what life is. It was a shrimp appetizer, some hummus, stuffed grape leaves and 2 glasses of wine. The world isn't ending. I just feel bloated and icky now. Hard to believe I ate this much EVERY DAY just a few months ago.
This morning's scale confirmed the excess, up 1 pound to 257.4. I'm expecting that clean eating, a good workout and lots and lots of water will take that back off. I hope.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Day 4 - Wednesday
I expected the scale to go up today because it had gone down so much yesterday. Still, I was bummed to see that I'm up 1.2 pounds to 256.2. It's OK. I was good food-wise and exercise-wise yesterday, and I've got good food together for today. Keep on truckin'.
I stopped at the grocery store yesterday to get juicing stuff (trying a new juice with beet greens, strawberries, an apple, a pear and coconut water), and couldn't resist buying scallops and shrimp. Last night's dinner was ~1/2 pound of scallops cooked with 2 cloves of minced garlic and 4 pieces of chopped bacon, cooked soft. I thought it would be huge calories and was prepared to break it up into multiple servings, but when I put the recipe into MFP, I had the cals available, so I ate the whole thing!
I'm so glad that I can eat within my calories (1370) and not feel deprived! It's stunning, really, how full you can get and still be within calories when eating at home, but at a restaurant it's so freakin' easy to go over. After about 2 weeks of tracking everything, my stomach has adjusted to less food. I feel good! Thank you, bloggy pals!!
Today is 9 holes of golf after work (the last of the season). I've already checked and pulling the cart is huge exercise, so it should make up for the dinner that we'll have afterward! I'm going to have the pre-made juice right before golf, so I don't hit a wall. This is only my second time playing golf this year. Somehow, the fatter I am, the less interested I've been in doing the "work" of golf.
I called the meditation center and signed up for a stress reduction meditation class starting in October. I'd talked to them a few times over the last 9 months, but somehow wasn't "able" to fit it into my schedule until now. At the end of our conversation she said, "I'm glad you called back," and I almost started crying. I'm SO not used to doing things where I take care of myself and SO not used to having anyone else care one way or the other what I do.
Have a good day, all!
I stopped at the grocery store yesterday to get juicing stuff (trying a new juice with beet greens, strawberries, an apple, a pear and coconut water), and couldn't resist buying scallops and shrimp. Last night's dinner was ~1/2 pound of scallops cooked with 2 cloves of minced garlic and 4 pieces of chopped bacon, cooked soft. I thought it would be huge calories and was prepared to break it up into multiple servings, but when I put the recipe into MFP, I had the cals available, so I ate the whole thing!
I'm so glad that I can eat within my calories (1370) and not feel deprived! It's stunning, really, how full you can get and still be within calories when eating at home, but at a restaurant it's so freakin' easy to go over. After about 2 weeks of tracking everything, my stomach has adjusted to less food. I feel good! Thank you, bloggy pals!!
Today is 9 holes of golf after work (the last of the season). I've already checked and pulling the cart is huge exercise, so it should make up for the dinner that we'll have afterward! I'm going to have the pre-made juice right before golf, so I don't hit a wall. This is only my second time playing golf this year. Somehow, the fatter I am, the less interested I've been in doing the "work" of golf.
I called the meditation center and signed up for a stress reduction meditation class starting in October. I'd talked to them a few times over the last 9 months, but somehow wasn't "able" to fit it into my schedule until now. At the end of our conversation she said, "I'm glad you called back," and I almost started crying. I'm SO not used to doing things where I take care of myself and SO not used to having anyone else care one way or the other what I do.
Have a good day, all!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 3
I never did get that half hour of exercise in yesterday, although I did mess around with the big ball after fire drill doing some core exercises and some leg exercises in front of the TV. Work was crazy yesterday and I ended up working through lunch, so, there ya have it. Food was good though. I stayed on plan, made a juice for dinner last night, and even though I wasn't technically hungry, I didn't feel like the juice was enough and had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese before bed.
I dreamed about toast with butter and cinnamon sugar. If I still want it badly tonight, I'll make myself a piece.
But this morning when I got on the scale it was 255! Three pounds lost since yesterday!! I didn't believe it, so I weighed again and got 255.4. The jigsaw pattern I've been seeing over the past few weeks means it'll likely go back up a little before it comes down again, but what a rush to see that!
**
I'm a real math-y geeky person, one of those types that doesn't take accepted wisdom at face value. I'll be the one that looks for the scientific paper (or, since I'm lazy, I'll find a blogger who reads and posts on the science). I've been like this forever, but it's only been in the last few years that blogs have gotten popular and common, and it's been easy to be well informed. I started with homestead-y, farm-y blogs, blogs about wool, spinning and knitting. Then moved into blogs about my city in upstate NY. Then blogs about weight loss science and paleo nutrition. And now, lots of wonderful weight loss blogs written by people like me who are creating a new future! My google reader has over 100 blogs on it these days.
One blog that I'm liking more and more is by a doctor in Canada, called Weighty Matters. He wrote a post yesterday called, Does what hand you eat with affect your weight? (link above) about an article about persistent habits. The experiment had several groups eating awful, stale movie theater popcorn, at the movies, in a meeting room, or with the non-dominant hand. The group that ate with their non-dominant hand ate less, presumably because they had to focus on eating instead of doing it mindlessly. (I can totally relate to mindlessly eating too much awful movie popcorn. Done that plenty of times!)
I thought it was an interesting blog post, and worth passing along. Take a look!
I dreamed about toast with butter and cinnamon sugar. If I still want it badly tonight, I'll make myself a piece.
But this morning when I got on the scale it was 255! Three pounds lost since yesterday!! I didn't believe it, so I weighed again and got 255.4. The jigsaw pattern I've been seeing over the past few weeks means it'll likely go back up a little before it comes down again, but what a rush to see that!
**
I'm a real math-y geeky person, one of those types that doesn't take accepted wisdom at face value. I'll be the one that looks for the scientific paper (or, since I'm lazy, I'll find a blogger who reads and posts on the science). I've been like this forever, but it's only been in the last few years that blogs have gotten popular and common, and it's been easy to be well informed. I started with homestead-y, farm-y blogs, blogs about wool, spinning and knitting. Then moved into blogs about my city in upstate NY. Then blogs about weight loss science and paleo nutrition. And now, lots of wonderful weight loss blogs written by people like me who are creating a new future! My google reader has over 100 blogs on it these days.
One blog that I'm liking more and more is by a doctor in Canada, called Weighty Matters. He wrote a post yesterday called, Does what hand you eat with affect your weight? (link above) about an article about persistent habits. The experiment had several groups eating awful, stale movie theater popcorn, at the movies, in a meeting room, or with the non-dominant hand. The group that ate with their non-dominant hand ate less, presumably because they had to focus on eating instead of doing it mindlessly. (I can totally relate to mindlessly eating too much awful movie popcorn. Done that plenty of times!)
I thought it was an interesting blog post, and worth passing along. Take a look!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Day 2
I think I'll follow the example of a few others and name my posts by day number. This challenge started yesterday, so that was day 1. Today's weight, 258. No change from yesterday.
Yesterday was challenging and I didn't quite succeed in eating well or exercising. Friends of mine invited me to a turkey dinner. They were hankering for Thanksgiving, so they had one. I knew I wasn't going to want to exercise later, so I took the dog for a walk before I went over. I could only fit in 15 minutes, but it's better than 0 minutes! Optimistically, I thought I'd do a pilates DVD in the evening, which didn't happen. (Heck, I was so tired when I got home that I forgot to take out the trash, remembering when I woke up at 3:30 am. And I had to actually take it out right then, too, because the trash peeps come at 5:30 am. and I'd missed it for several weeks in a row. Stinky!)
Anyway, I managed to stay away from the macaroni and cheese and the stuffing and the creamed onions (yay me!), but had a buttload of turkey and mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes and some veggies and cranberry sauce. And I had a few beers over the course of the afternoon. The calories would have been within my plan if I hadn't had the beer, or had only one, or had limited the sweet potatoes (but they were Sooo good!). Yesterday calories - 1731.
Here's the poopy, not-so-good thing. Last night I made sure I had exercise clothes clean, ready, packed, and sitting next to my work bag. When I moved my work bag to put in all the healthy food I'd prepared this morning, I forgot about the other bag. So I'm at work and my exercise clothes are at home. Rats! I was going to work out at lunch! Poop!
Weekday evenings are stinky for working out because I've got so much going on. Mondays are fire drill nights (tonight we get our annual physical). Tuesday is obedience training for the dog (which I'm going to cut short so I can start a meditation-based stress reduction class in 3 weeks - yay!). Wednesday is golf, which counts for exercise because we walk the course. I'm usually pretty frazzled by Thursday.
I'm really enjoying reading all your blogs about how you fit in your exercise time, 'cause you've all got busy lives too! I could definitely use some pointers there.
Anyway - I'll get in 1/2 hour of exercise today somehow, even if it's just crunches, pushups, etc, etc. on the carpeted floor here at work. It's really important to me that I make daily exercise a habit.
Have a great day, all!
Yesterday was challenging and I didn't quite succeed in eating well or exercising. Friends of mine invited me to a turkey dinner. They were hankering for Thanksgiving, so they had one. I knew I wasn't going to want to exercise later, so I took the dog for a walk before I went over. I could only fit in 15 minutes, but it's better than 0 minutes! Optimistically, I thought I'd do a pilates DVD in the evening, which didn't happen. (Heck, I was so tired when I got home that I forgot to take out the trash, remembering when I woke up at 3:30 am. And I had to actually take it out right then, too, because the trash peeps come at 5:30 am. and I'd missed it for several weeks in a row. Stinky!)
Anyway, I managed to stay away from the macaroni and cheese and the stuffing and the creamed onions (yay me!), but had a buttload of turkey and mashed potatoes and mashed sweet potatoes and some veggies and cranberry sauce. And I had a few beers over the course of the afternoon. The calories would have been within my plan if I hadn't had the beer, or had only one, or had limited the sweet potatoes (but they were Sooo good!). Yesterday calories - 1731.
Here's the poopy, not-so-good thing. Last night I made sure I had exercise clothes clean, ready, packed, and sitting next to my work bag. When I moved my work bag to put in all the healthy food I'd prepared this morning, I forgot about the other bag. So I'm at work and my exercise clothes are at home. Rats! I was going to work out at lunch! Poop!
Weekday evenings are stinky for working out because I've got so much going on. Mondays are fire drill nights (tonight we get our annual physical). Tuesday is obedience training for the dog (which I'm going to cut short so I can start a meditation-based stress reduction class in 3 weeks - yay!). Wednesday is golf, which counts for exercise because we walk the course. I'm usually pretty frazzled by Thursday.
I'm really enjoying reading all your blogs about how you fit in your exercise time, 'cause you've all got busy lives too! I could definitely use some pointers there.
Anyway - I'll get in 1/2 hour of exercise today somehow, even if it's just crunches, pushups, etc, etc. on the carpeted floor here at work. It's really important to me that I make daily exercise a habit.
Have a great day, all!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
CDCC Start
I'm SO excited to be starting this challenge!
My starting weight: 258
My goal weight for the challenge: 235 (23 pounds in 14 weeks)
I save too-small clothes that I like. Not all of them. Just the favorites. They represent me at weights all the way to 100 pounds thinner than I am now. A few years ago, I went through all of them and paperclipped a piece of paper with what my weight had to be, and then organized them in, maybe 2-3 totes by weight. There was the 150-200 tote. The 200-220 tote. The 230-235 tote. My goal is to go into that 230-235 tote and pull out that pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans that make my butt look great and shimmy into those bad boys. And the velvet jacket. In fact, I'm going to see if I can do it now and get a starting picture. Hang on.
Here's the jacket and the pants. I can put both on, but can't move my arms forward, and can't sit down.
Here's a side pic with the muffin top and the bootay.
I'm going to use MyFitnessPal to track my calories, 1370 per day, using exercise to earn extra calories if I want to eat more. I plan to blog daily (or at least most days).
I think I'm going to use Radical Self-Care for Weight Loss for Life by Alice J Brown. It's about looking at core beliefs and learning how to take care of the self, thus removing the need to eat so much. I just bought the last copy from Amazon.
I plan to do 30 minutes of exercise a day of different exercise, walking/jogging on the treadmill, walking the dog, weightlifting on the machines or with free weights, or a DVD (step, pilates, Jillian Michaels shred, or Power 90).
I drink 60 ounces of water every day now, and I'm going to try and up that to 96 by filling my big tea cup with water after I've finished the tea and drinking it down.
I think that's all I need to post for today?
Sooo - I walked in a 5K yesterday. My work wanted a sea of company T-shirts at this thing, and several people said they'd be walking, so I signed up, thinking that a group of us would walk it while chatting, something I've done with a prior company. At the last minute before I left the house, I grabbed my earpieces, which is a good thing because when the horn went off everybody started jogging/running, except for a few of us (and nobody I knew). All the walkers race-walked faster than me, so I came in about 3rd from last. Ugh. What a wakeup call! I'm annoyed, mostly with myself because it was a race after all and somehow I thought it was going to be a leisurely walk. I didn't think I was THAT out of shape, but come on - almost last?? I came in after people pushing strollers, after people I thought were heavy. One of the only guys I beat was walking with a cane. Again, ugh.
Then I went to help my old fire department get ready for a rummage sale next week. They invited me to a turkey dinner today, and we ended up grocery shopping at Aldi and WalMart. Yeah, so, it was mid-afternoon and I got some cheesesticks and General Tso's chicken at the WalMart deli, and ate SOME of it. When I put it into MyFitnessPal, it was incredible how many calories that was. It wasn't all that tasty either, and made me feel a little ill. Calorie total yesterday - 1900. The only thing that saved me from yesterday being terrible was that hour of walking I did in the morning.
My plan for today's turkey dinner, which will have mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese is to stick with turkey and potatoes. I'll let you know how it goes!
My starting weight: 258
My goal weight for the challenge: 235 (23 pounds in 14 weeks)
I save too-small clothes that I like. Not all of them. Just the favorites. They represent me at weights all the way to 100 pounds thinner than I am now. A few years ago, I went through all of them and paperclipped a piece of paper with what my weight had to be, and then organized them in, maybe 2-3 totes by weight. There was the 150-200 tote. The 200-220 tote. The 230-235 tote. My goal is to go into that 230-235 tote and pull out that pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans that make my butt look great and shimmy into those bad boys. And the velvet jacket. In fact, I'm going to see if I can do it now and get a starting picture. Hang on.
Here's the jacket and the pants. I can put both on, but can't move my arms forward, and can't sit down.
I'm going to use MyFitnessPal to track my calories, 1370 per day, using exercise to earn extra calories if I want to eat more. I plan to blog daily (or at least most days).
I think I'm going to use Radical Self-Care for Weight Loss for Life by Alice J Brown. It's about looking at core beliefs and learning how to take care of the self, thus removing the need to eat so much. I just bought the last copy from Amazon.
I plan to do 30 minutes of exercise a day of different exercise, walking/jogging on the treadmill, walking the dog, weightlifting on the machines or with free weights, or a DVD (step, pilates, Jillian Michaels shred, or Power 90).
I drink 60 ounces of water every day now, and I'm going to try and up that to 96 by filling my big tea cup with water after I've finished the tea and drinking it down.
I think that's all I need to post for today?
Sooo - I walked in a 5K yesterday. My work wanted a sea of company T-shirts at this thing, and several people said they'd be walking, so I signed up, thinking that a group of us would walk it while chatting, something I've done with a prior company. At the last minute before I left the house, I grabbed my earpieces, which is a good thing because when the horn went off everybody started jogging/running, except for a few of us (and nobody I knew). All the walkers race-walked faster than me, so I came in about 3rd from last. Ugh. What a wakeup call! I'm annoyed, mostly with myself because it was a race after all and somehow I thought it was going to be a leisurely walk. I didn't think I was THAT out of shape, but come on - almost last?? I came in after people pushing strollers, after people I thought were heavy. One of the only guys I beat was walking with a cane. Again, ugh.
Then I went to help my old fire department get ready for a rummage sale next week. They invited me to a turkey dinner today, and we ended up grocery shopping at Aldi and WalMart. Yeah, so, it was mid-afternoon and I got some cheesesticks and General Tso's chicken at the WalMart deli, and ate SOME of it. When I put it into MyFitnessPal, it was incredible how many calories that was. It wasn't all that tasty either, and made me feel a little ill. Calorie total yesterday - 1900. The only thing that saved me from yesterday being terrible was that hour of walking I did in the morning.
My plan for today's turkey dinner, which will have mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese is to stick with turkey and potatoes. I'll let you know how it goes!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Friday Fluff
Went back to work sweaty and ukky after yesterday's workout, so this afternoon I think I'll try the gym at the end of the day instead of lunchtime for a nonimpact not-so-sweaty workout. Plus, I have to meet the boiler repairman at my house at lunchtime, so no WO at lunch today.
This morning's scale only showed a 0.2 pound drop, to 260.0. Just don't give up. I know I'm doing the right thing. It's only been a few days of consistent eating well and working out, and I feel SO much better already.
I'm thinking about what book I want to use for the CDCC challenge. I've heard in therapist-speak that a "fear can be a wish," meaning, I think, that sometimes what we fear, when we peel away all the layers of consciousness to get at what's really inside, it's something we desire (even though we think we don't want it). I want to explore that more. It continues my rambling from yesterday that even though I fear dying fat and alone, somehow I never arranged my life to change either of those (until now - yay! (at least for the fat part)).
I noticed the other day that I frequently visualize my financial future (ie that I've done the right stuff and can retire when I want to), but don't visualize myself being with a guy when I retire or visualize myself being at a healthy weight. Kinda telling, huh! I wanna stop at a bookstore on the way home from work and see what they have, so that I can work through the whole "fear is a wish" thing, and when my outside is gorgeous and healthy, my inside will be as well!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Thursday Thoughts - We Get What We Want
Today's Weight - 160.2, +1.0 pounds from yesterday. Water weight. That's all I can say about that.
I ate 1520 calories and exercised a little but didn't put the exercise into the counter. Here's the story about the exercise, because it's relevant to how I'm gonna fit in 30 minutes a day. First, on Tuesday I went to the work gym at lunch and did C25K W1 D2 and some free weights. My plan for yesterday was to do a non-impact video after I got home. Sooo, when a coworker stopped by at lunchtime asking if I wanted to go to the gym, I turned her down, saying I wanted to do every other day.
When I got home after work, fed the dog and changed into workout clothes, we got a basement pumpout call. It comes over the dispatch radio as a "water problem". It's hard to describe how important this volunteer fire department is to my hopes and plans for my future, so I dropped everything and worked with the guys to pump out a basement. While we were there we got an EMS call and I went on that one too, even though I'm not an EMT. I carried some heavy stuff and squeegeed water out of this guy's house, but can't say that I worked out for 30 minutes, or even 15 minutes. I got home at 8, tremendously happy for spending a few hours with people I hope will be my family of choice. I put in a pilates video, but cooked dinner while it was playing. Did a few pilates moves, but not much. Then started winding down and found out I made it into the Christmas Dress Challenge, YAY!
So, um, next time someone invites me to the gym to work out at lunch - say Yes! Life got in the way of exercise yesterday, and that can't continue to happen if I want to be successful. I did do the video this morning, but couldn't do a few of the exercises, like the planks while raising a leg. And I'm gonna do C25K W1 D3 at lunch (sweaty me this afternoon!).
Here's the food I brought into work today. Big container of mixed greens with sprouts and feta cheese crumbles. At lunch I'll add sunflower seeds from a desk drawer, dressing, and cut up that tomato. Sometimes I add spicy nuts that I made and keep in a desk drawer (yeah, I'm that person that keeps a desk full of food!). Baggie of 4 oz turkey breast meat. 6 oz home-made yogurt. Container of 3 scrambled eggs. Finally - a huuge container of chai latte. I'm trying to copy Starbucks. This is 2 bags of extra spicy chai steeped in my coffeemaker (I don't drink coffee) in 6 cups of water with splenda and light cream. Since coffeemaker cups are 6 ounces, this is 36 ounces of watery, spicy goodness.
I've been slow at work lately, which is the pits. What I've been doing: reading blogs. I found a new one that resonates with me. It's http://www.asmallloss.com/. She wrote some posts about a month ago that I'm just stuck on, reading over and over. They're about maintenance. Why this stops me is that she and her commenters mention that once the weight is gone, there are no more excuses for their other life problems like being alone or being insecure. Those issues are still there after the weight is no longer there as cover. A few commenters wrote that getting close to goal weight, they were so afraid that they regained their weight and more.
I firmly believe that we get what we really want. I've always been perfectly capable of losing weight, but haven't (actually I HAVE, several times! LOL), because I haven't stuck to it, or haven't started. I think that deep down inside, I've wanted to be heavy, but haven't faced why. This is what I'm going to find a book on and research for this challenge.
First, when I'm thin I get lots of attention from men that I don't know how to deal with. But further, I think weight makes it easier for me to be distant from people. (I'm a child of divorce and haven't lived anywhere longer than a few years. I've started over so many times it's not funny. Different jobs, states, countries, all of that. Remember the Cher character in Mermaid? That's me, except I'm fat. ) I think my fat makes it easier for me to be uncomfortable in my own skin, the outside matches the inside. If I'm not fat any more, I'll lose the fat excuse and have to face that I'm not comfortable relaxing in a close relationship with close friends or with a (gak) real boyfriend. A close relationship is something I dearly want - but since I believe we get what we really want, I think that deep down inside I'm scared to be in a real, true, nurturing relationship. So the fat keeps me safe.
Yeah, I know. Big thoughts, and kinda journal-y. It's a good thing and I'm glad I wrote that though, cause I know that at the same time I lose weight, I need to develop nurturing relationships with real people here, where I am. Totally possible when I stop avoiding it. More on that in a later post.
I ate 1520 calories and exercised a little but didn't put the exercise into the counter. Here's the story about the exercise, because it's relevant to how I'm gonna fit in 30 minutes a day. First, on Tuesday I went to the work gym at lunch and did C25K W1 D2 and some free weights. My plan for yesterday was to do a non-impact video after I got home. Sooo, when a coworker stopped by at lunchtime asking if I wanted to go to the gym, I turned her down, saying I wanted to do every other day.
When I got home after work, fed the dog and changed into workout clothes, we got a basement pumpout call. It comes over the dispatch radio as a "water problem". It's hard to describe how important this volunteer fire department is to my hopes and plans for my future, so I dropped everything and worked with the guys to pump out a basement. While we were there we got an EMS call and I went on that one too, even though I'm not an EMT. I carried some heavy stuff and squeegeed water out of this guy's house, but can't say that I worked out for 30 minutes, or even 15 minutes. I got home at 8, tremendously happy for spending a few hours with people I hope will be my family of choice. I put in a pilates video, but cooked dinner while it was playing. Did a few pilates moves, but not much. Then started winding down and found out I made it into the Christmas Dress Challenge, YAY!
So, um, next time someone invites me to the gym to work out at lunch - say Yes! Life got in the way of exercise yesterday, and that can't continue to happen if I want to be successful. I did do the video this morning, but couldn't do a few of the exercises, like the planks while raising a leg. And I'm gonna do C25K W1 D3 at lunch (sweaty me this afternoon!).
Here's the food I brought into work today. Big container of mixed greens with sprouts and feta cheese crumbles. At lunch I'll add sunflower seeds from a desk drawer, dressing, and cut up that tomato. Sometimes I add spicy nuts that I made and keep in a desk drawer (yeah, I'm that person that keeps a desk full of food!). Baggie of 4 oz turkey breast meat. 6 oz home-made yogurt. Container of 3 scrambled eggs. Finally - a huuge container of chai latte. I'm trying to copy Starbucks. This is 2 bags of extra spicy chai steeped in my coffeemaker (I don't drink coffee) in 6 cups of water with splenda and light cream. Since coffeemaker cups are 6 ounces, this is 36 ounces of watery, spicy goodness.
I've been slow at work lately, which is the pits. What I've been doing: reading blogs. I found a new one that resonates with me. It's http://www.asmallloss.com/. She wrote some posts about a month ago that I'm just stuck on, reading over and over. They're about maintenance. Why this stops me is that she and her commenters mention that once the weight is gone, there are no more excuses for their other life problems like being alone or being insecure. Those issues are still there after the weight is no longer there as cover. A few commenters wrote that getting close to goal weight, they were so afraid that they regained their weight and more.
I firmly believe that we get what we really want. I've always been perfectly capable of losing weight, but haven't (actually I HAVE, several times! LOL), because I haven't stuck to it, or haven't started. I think that deep down inside, I've wanted to be heavy, but haven't faced why. This is what I'm going to find a book on and research for this challenge.
First, when I'm thin I get lots of attention from men that I don't know how to deal with. But further, I think weight makes it easier for me to be distant from people. (I'm a child of divorce and haven't lived anywhere longer than a few years. I've started over so many times it's not funny. Different jobs, states, countries, all of that. Remember the Cher character in Mermaid? That's me, except I'm fat. ) I think my fat makes it easier for me to be uncomfortable in my own skin, the outside matches the inside. If I'm not fat any more, I'll lose the fat excuse and have to face that I'm not comfortable relaxing in a close relationship with close friends or with a (gak) real boyfriend. A close relationship is something I dearly want - but since I believe we get what we really want, I think that deep down inside I'm scared to be in a real, true, nurturing relationship. So the fat keeps me safe.
Yeah, I know. Big thoughts, and kinda journal-y. It's a good thing and I'm glad I wrote that though, cause I know that at the same time I lose weight, I need to develop nurturing relationships with real people here, where I am. Totally possible when I stop avoiding it. More on that in a later post.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wednesday Stuff
Today: 259.2, 0.4 down since yesterday.
Ate 1610 calories, which included a fudge fancy cookie at lunch and a glass of wine at dinner. Fudge Fancies are a BIG weakness for me. Almost every day for the past few years, I've gone to the on site cafeteria mid-morning and gotten a cookie and a Diet Coke. (I go to get a Diet Coke, but then can't resist the cookie.) Dinner was leftover chicken in spicy simmer sauce and rice.
It's neat how MyFitnessPal (MFP) adds the exercise calories to my calorie allowance. For my height and weight, MFP says I can eat 1670 cals per day to lose 1.5 pounds a week. After I decided that I want to get into that velvet jacket in January, I changed the goal to lose 2 pounds per week which allows me 1370 cals per day. I'll see if I can hang with that lower limit and not feel too restricted. This is not a diet for me - this is the way I'll have to eat for the rest of my life. When (see, I said WHEN, not IF!) I lose weight, my BMR is going to go down, so I'll never be able to go back to eating lots of pasta with sauce or McDonalds breakfast multiple days a week.
I'm addicted to Diet Coke. It's not the caffeine. I have 3 teabags worth of black tea every morning, which is plenty of caffeine. Nonetheless, if I don't have any Diet Coke, I get a headache by mid-afternoon. Lately though, after a 20-ounce bottle (which is all they sell), I get a headache of a different type. For this week's experiment, I got some 12-ounce bottles at the grocery store and brought them to work. I can chill one per day - meaning less DC, plus keeping me out of the work cafeteria and away from the cookies!
Weight has been a major thing with me for SO many years. I've spent SO much time thinking about it, researching it, feeling bad about it, etc, etc, etc, that I've got a bunch of blog topics lined up in my head. My friends and family don't want to hear my ramblings about this, so this blog is my first opportunity to spill all the details in my head. I'm going to take full advantage of that!
Today's topic: what's my goal weight (evolving to my weight history)?
To get my BMI out of the overweight range, I should be 169, which I haven't been since I was about 26, 20 years ago (I'm 45 now).
To get my BMI out of the obese range, I should be less than 203, which I blew through in my late 20s and briefly got back to in 2000.
When I moved to South Carolina in 2000, I was about 226. I got down to roughly 200, but then started a relationship and making and eating dinner was a shared activity. Since Nelson weighed about 135 pounds soaking wet, we ate lots of good food. I think I was about 250 when I left Nelson and South Carolina to move to Washington DC. I had a great time making friends there, and lost to 235 (just by having a full life and not eating as much) and then 225 (trip to Mexico and being sick) before gaining it all back (working too hard and other emotional stuff). I left DC in 2007 for a job overseas with a LOT of travel and gained to 265 or so. Then I quit that job, settled in upstate NY on a homestead and a huge commute and gained to 276, my highest weight about a year ago. (I had 2 goats, 5 chickens, 2 dogs and 2 cats!) A dog killed the goats, a coyote killed a cat, I gave away the chickens and moved closer to work.
The easier commute and living closer to the rest of the world made it easier to eat better (when it's 1/2 hour one way to the grocery store and 45 minutes to the city, I did none of either when I was at home). Without trying too hard, other than being semi-careful about what I eat and daily weigh-ins, I lost 15 pounds to my current weight. I've been cycling the same 5 pounds for 9 months now and for the sake of my knees, I need to move it on down.
Anyway - I would LOVE to be 169, but I don't really believe it's possible. It's so far away. Same with 203. Right now, I can focus on the first 30 pounds and get to 230. When I'm there, I'll make another goal. Really, my eyes are on 250 - 10 pounds seems doable and not too scary and far away. Yes, scary. In thinking about why I'm fat, I think that the fat is protective, to keep away male attention that I never learned how to deal with. But that's a topic for another blog post.
It's neat how MyFitnessPal (MFP) adds the exercise calories to my calorie allowance. For my height and weight, MFP says I can eat 1670 cals per day to lose 1.5 pounds a week. After I decided that I want to get into that velvet jacket in January, I changed the goal to lose 2 pounds per week which allows me 1370 cals per day. I'll see if I can hang with that lower limit and not feel too restricted. This is not a diet for me - this is the way I'll have to eat for the rest of my life. When (see, I said WHEN, not IF!) I lose weight, my BMR is going to go down, so I'll never be able to go back to eating lots of pasta with sauce or McDonalds breakfast multiple days a week.
I'm addicted to Diet Coke. It's not the caffeine. I have 3 teabags worth of black tea every morning, which is plenty of caffeine. Nonetheless, if I don't have any Diet Coke, I get a headache by mid-afternoon. Lately though, after a 20-ounce bottle (which is all they sell), I get a headache of a different type. For this week's experiment, I got some 12-ounce bottles at the grocery store and brought them to work. I can chill one per day - meaning less DC, plus keeping me out of the work cafeteria and away from the cookies!
Weight has been a major thing with me for SO many years. I've spent SO much time thinking about it, researching it, feeling bad about it, etc, etc, etc, that I've got a bunch of blog topics lined up in my head. My friends and family don't want to hear my ramblings about this, so this blog is my first opportunity to spill all the details in my head. I'm going to take full advantage of that!
Today's topic: what's my goal weight (evolving to my weight history)?
To get my BMI out of the overweight range, I should be 169, which I haven't been since I was about 26, 20 years ago (I'm 45 now).
To get my BMI out of the obese range, I should be less than 203, which I blew through in my late 20s and briefly got back to in 2000.
When I moved to South Carolina in 2000, I was about 226. I got down to roughly 200, but then started a relationship and making and eating dinner was a shared activity. Since Nelson weighed about 135 pounds soaking wet, we ate lots of good food. I think I was about 250 when I left Nelson and South Carolina to move to Washington DC. I had a great time making friends there, and lost to 235 (just by having a full life and not eating as much) and then 225 (trip to Mexico and being sick) before gaining it all back (working too hard and other emotional stuff). I left DC in 2007 for a job overseas with a LOT of travel and gained to 265 or so. Then I quit that job, settled in upstate NY on a homestead and a huge commute and gained to 276, my highest weight about a year ago. (I had 2 goats, 5 chickens, 2 dogs and 2 cats!) A dog killed the goats, a coyote killed a cat, I gave away the chickens and moved closer to work.
The easier commute and living closer to the rest of the world made it easier to eat better (when it's 1/2 hour one way to the grocery store and 45 minutes to the city, I did none of either when I was at home). Without trying too hard, other than being semi-careful about what I eat and daily weigh-ins, I lost 15 pounds to my current weight. I've been cycling the same 5 pounds for 9 months now and for the sake of my knees, I need to move it on down.
Anyway - I would LOVE to be 169, but I don't really believe it's possible. It's so far away. Same with 203. Right now, I can focus on the first 30 pounds and get to 230. When I'm there, I'll make another goal. Really, my eyes are on 250 - 10 pounds seems doable and not too scary and far away. Yes, scary. In thinking about why I'm fat, I think that the fat is protective, to keep away male attention that I never learned how to deal with. But that's a topic for another blog post.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Tuesday, September 6th
As I get into this farther, hopefully I'll get more creative about naming posts!
I'll get to the headline right away - 259.6 pounds this morning! Woo hoo! That's 2.6 pounds lost since yesterday, which must be water. I need to stay on track so I can build on this small success and keep it going. It was helped by the fact that I didn't have much to do yesterday.
My original plan for Labor Day weekend was to do Saturday firefighter drill, go to the Schagticoke Fair, clean up and get manure for the east side of the house and then go to Bill and Grace's to get plants (iris, peony and lovage) to put there. However - it was in the mid-80s and HUMID and rainy, so I didn't want to do any exerting. And Saturday and Monday drill were cancelled. And then it rained more and I didn't feel like going to the fair. Which left the whole weekend open with nothing really to do, and too much time to think.
So I piddled. Started a 4-gallon batch of hard cider, using 4 different yeasts in (4) 1-gallon containers. I'm glad I had the time to plan it out because this took 2 trips to Hennessy homebrew and a trip to the orchard. Made myself healthy dinners. Took care of the sewing buttons back on pants pile. Made a batch of yogurt. Took 2 of the air conditioners out and put the windows back in. Glad I had the time to piddle with this as I'd wanted this done for 6 months but was scared to try it myself and unsure of how to find a handyman to hire. When I finally started (and had to finish because it was threatening to rain), I found out that aside from being unwieldy, it was totally do-able. Surprised and pleased that twice this weekend I opened a closet and found something I thought didn't exist (a window and a screen in one closet and another screen in another closet). I'm really very lucky.
I worked out Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was C25K week 1 day 1, Sunday was 10 min elliptical and 10 min treadmill walking and some weights. (Wanted to workout this morning, but didn't manage to make myself get out of bed. I'll try going to the gym here at work at lunchtime and see how it goes. It'll be my first time there, and I generally don't like to be sweaty with people I work with. But the gym is available and fits into my schedule better than morning or evening workouts. I'd be dumb not to take advantage of it. Hm. Maybe I can go at 1 instead of noon, or something like that.)
And I cataloged my exercise DVDs! Every time I've started a new diet push, it's involved buying things, like exercise equipment, DVDs, etc. All of it unused. (The first thing I do when I want to start working out is buy a pair of new sneakers! As if consumption were the key to everything) So I've got a bunch of DVDs I've never seen. I've got a stability ball and bands. I've got a weight bench in a spare bedroom. And I've still managed to ignore all of it.
I'm glad I had nothing to do yesterday, because I watched a few of the exercise DVDs and tried some new stability ball moves to fill up time. (I'm one of those folks that find it very difficult to do nothing.) Boy are my abs and thighs sore today!
The only problem with the weekend? I spent it alone. I'm more comfortable with tasks than relationships, but I really, really don't want to be the person who's piddling alone at 65 (like both my mother and father are at 70+ and 75). If I want to be with another person, or people, it's not going to magically happen while I'm at home. I need to get out and be with people. I get so worn down during the week that I enjoy spending weekends alone at home. Something I need to work on. Finding people things that don't drain my energy.
Edit: I did it! I went to the work gym at lunchtime and did C25K week 1 day 2 and then messed around with the machines and the free weights to use up most of an hour. It bothers me that the machines isolate specific muscles in specific ways that have nothing to do with how the muscles would be used in real life, say to carry a firehose, or raise a full Scott pack onto the truck. But that's OK. I don't have to use the machines. I think I can do exercises with free weights that mimic firehouse moves. Think more twisting and complex moves.
It wasn't too crowded. There are 5 treadmills and only 2 of them were full, and with women at that, and I knew both of them. I think I can do this lunchtime gym thing! (Now, if I could only figure out how to look semi-professional in my work clothes while my face and the rest of me is sweaty.)
Also - I'm getting more psyched about the Xmas Dress Challenge (that I'm not even IN yet - I'm a possible). To help with my "candidacy," I think I'll make this blog public for a bit, so folks in this community can read it. I started this blog to be accountable to finally lose (and for good), the extra 80 pounds I carry around, but I don't want the readers of my other blog (about homesteading, and more recently about my midcentury house in the 'burbs) to read this one. The best reason I can think of is that my public persona to my family and friends is that my weight isn't a problem, and I want to be able to be completely honest - meaning (to me at least), that I need to not have my family and readers of the other blog reading this blog.
Also - many times when I was completely honest and open in my other blog, I ended up regretting it. Example, I wrote a few times about being solo and looking for a life partner. As I met people thru online dating, sending them the link to my blog ALWAYS ended up badly. They would read blog entries and think that they knew everything there was to know about me, and either love me or hate me, even before we'd met! Those of us who have been writing blogs for a while know that they can contain only a small part of one's life, and even further, that a bloggy persona develops that can be a barrier to honesty. I'm not together enough to have 2 separate Blogger profiles, so my plan is to keep this blog open only to the weight loss peeps. (Can't figure out an easy way to do this, other than adding everyone's email addresses to an OK list - are there any easier ways?) If I get into the Xmas Dress challenge, I'll de-publicify this blog and add other challenge members to the OK list.
Anyway - for the moment, I'm going to open this blog up, because I really want to be in the Christmas Dress Challenge!
I'll get to the headline right away - 259.6 pounds this morning! Woo hoo! That's 2.6 pounds lost since yesterday, which must be water. I need to stay on track so I can build on this small success and keep it going. It was helped by the fact that I didn't have much to do yesterday.
My original plan for Labor Day weekend was to do Saturday firefighter drill, go to the Schagticoke Fair, clean up and get manure for the east side of the house and then go to Bill and Grace's to get plants (iris, peony and lovage) to put there. However - it was in the mid-80s and HUMID and rainy, so I didn't want to do any exerting. And Saturday and Monday drill were cancelled. And then it rained more and I didn't feel like going to the fair. Which left the whole weekend open with nothing really to do, and too much time to think.
So I piddled. Started a 4-gallon batch of hard cider, using 4 different yeasts in (4) 1-gallon containers. I'm glad I had the time to plan it out because this took 2 trips to Hennessy homebrew and a trip to the orchard. Made myself healthy dinners. Took care of the sewing buttons back on pants pile. Made a batch of yogurt. Took 2 of the air conditioners out and put the windows back in. Glad I had the time to piddle with this as I'd wanted this done for 6 months but was scared to try it myself and unsure of how to find a handyman to hire. When I finally started (and had to finish because it was threatening to rain), I found out that aside from being unwieldy, it was totally do-able. Surprised and pleased that twice this weekend I opened a closet and found something I thought didn't exist (a window and a screen in one closet and another screen in another closet). I'm really very lucky.
I worked out Saturday and Sunday. Saturday was C25K week 1 day 1, Sunday was 10 min elliptical and 10 min treadmill walking and some weights. (Wanted to workout this morning, but didn't manage to make myself get out of bed. I'll try going to the gym here at work at lunchtime and see how it goes. It'll be my first time there, and I generally don't like to be sweaty with people I work with. But the gym is available and fits into my schedule better than morning or evening workouts. I'd be dumb not to take advantage of it. Hm. Maybe I can go at 1 instead of noon, or something like that.)
And I cataloged my exercise DVDs! Every time I've started a new diet push, it's involved buying things, like exercise equipment, DVDs, etc. All of it unused. (The first thing I do when I want to start working out is buy a pair of new sneakers! As if consumption were the key to everything) So I've got a bunch of DVDs I've never seen. I've got a stability ball and bands. I've got a weight bench in a spare bedroom. And I've still managed to ignore all of it.
I'm glad I had nothing to do yesterday, because I watched a few of the exercise DVDs and tried some new stability ball moves to fill up time. (I'm one of those folks that find it very difficult to do nothing.) Boy are my abs and thighs sore today!
The only problem with the weekend? I spent it alone. I'm more comfortable with tasks than relationships, but I really, really don't want to be the person who's piddling alone at 65 (like both my mother and father are at 70+ and 75). If I want to be with another person, or people, it's not going to magically happen while I'm at home. I need to get out and be with people. I get so worn down during the week that I enjoy spending weekends alone at home. Something I need to work on. Finding people things that don't drain my energy.
Edit: I did it! I went to the work gym at lunchtime and did C25K week 1 day 2 and then messed around with the machines and the free weights to use up most of an hour. It bothers me that the machines isolate specific muscles in specific ways that have nothing to do with how the muscles would be used in real life, say to carry a firehose, or raise a full Scott pack onto the truck. But that's OK. I don't have to use the machines. I think I can do exercises with free weights that mimic firehouse moves. Think more twisting and complex moves.
It wasn't too crowded. There are 5 treadmills and only 2 of them were full, and with women at that, and I knew both of them. I think I can do this lunchtime gym thing! (Now, if I could only figure out how to look semi-professional in my work clothes while my face and the rest of me is sweaty.)
Also - I'm getting more psyched about the Xmas Dress Challenge (that I'm not even IN yet - I'm a possible). To help with my "candidacy," I think I'll make this blog public for a bit, so folks in this community can read it. I started this blog to be accountable to finally lose (and for good), the extra 80 pounds I carry around, but I don't want the readers of my other blog (about homesteading, and more recently about my midcentury house in the 'burbs) to read this one. The best reason I can think of is that my public persona to my family and friends is that my weight isn't a problem, and I want to be able to be completely honest - meaning (to me at least), that I need to not have my family and readers of the other blog reading this blog.
Also - many times when I was completely honest and open in my other blog, I ended up regretting it. Example, I wrote a few times about being solo and looking for a life partner. As I met people thru online dating, sending them the link to my blog ALWAYS ended up badly. They would read blog entries and think that they knew everything there was to know about me, and either love me or hate me, even before we'd met! Those of us who have been writing blogs for a while know that they can contain only a small part of one's life, and even further, that a bloggy persona develops that can be a barrier to honesty. I'm not together enough to have 2 separate Blogger profiles, so my plan is to keep this blog open only to the weight loss peeps. (Can't figure out an easy way to do this, other than adding everyone's email addresses to an OK list - are there any easier ways?) If I get into the Xmas Dress challenge, I'll de-publicify this blog and add other challenge members to the OK list.
Anyway - for the moment, I'm going to open this blog up, because I really want to be in the Christmas Dress Challenge!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day
Today's weight: 262.2, back to where I was 3 days ago, except this time I'm going in the right direction. I'll feel like I've made real progress when I break the 260 pound barrier.
I've been following links and reading other weight loss blogs. Really inspiring! Multiple people that have lost 100+ pounds and are maintaining.
I've tried a few new calorie counting programs, because FitDay is kinda annoying. It's slow to load because ya have to wait for the ads to load first, and you can't just keep it open all day and add foods as you eat. You get logged out after an hour or so and have to log back in, and you can't hit Enter to log in, you have to mouse click on the button. Plus, you can't put in recipes by ingredient. And - it doesn't have raw kale in it's dictionary, which is a major item in the juices I've been making.
So, I tried MyNetDiary and MyFitnessPal, and settled on MyFitnessPal. Other peeps in this weight loss community use it, and it does seem nice. And it has kale! And I can put in recipes by ingredient! And, I can friend others doing the challenge so we can share stuff. I think that will help me lose my weight. Being accountable to others.
Food-wise, yesterday was good, although it almost spiraled away from me. I had 3 scrambled eggs and 2 hotdogs for breakfast, trying to up the protein, but when I put those into the calorie counter with the light cream I had in my tea, I realized that I'd already had over 700 calories, half of the entire day!
I stopped by Hennessy Homebrew to get items for the hard cider, and then went to Indian Ladder farms to get the apple juice. I had brought Maggie with me, and she got out at the orchard! Of course, she wouldn't come when I called, and chasing her is futile. So I walked away, which turned out to be the right thing to do, because she wanted attention and came towards people. I asked someone to grab her collar and got her on the leash and back into the car. But I was so flustered that I bought apple coffee cake with lots of yummy brown sugar on top and on the way home got popcorn, because I couldn't decide if I wanted sweet or salty. Ate the popcorn on the way home and the coffee cake later in the afternoon.
But then I had a moment of sanity and entered what I'd eaten into the calorie counter and it was OK! On an impulse, I went to the firehouse around 4 in the afternoon and did a week 1 C25K run/walk. I don't know if I'm ready for that - my left knee hurts today. I maybe should do the elliptical instead of C25K until I lose some weight. I think I should plan on doing something physical every day. Having days on and days off makes it too easy for me to put exercise off.
I saw a profile in the newspaper of a guy that rolls dice every morning to see what exercise he's going to do that day. I've got so many exercise choices that I'd like to do something similar. (Exercise DVD, take the dog for a walk, lift weights in my spare bedroom, band workout, ball workout, at the firehouse treadmill or elliptical or weights). I've made the list already and just need to get things a little organized, like hook up the DVD player and make sure I've got enough usable space in front of the TV (must take down the ceiling fan and put up one that I don't run into with my hands when I raise my arms!). I'd love to have a trainer again, but I need to see how that fits in my finances. In January I joined the Y, thinking that I'd go to exercise classes, but I didn't, so I cancelled the membership in May.
I'll figure something out - what I'm doing differently this time than past times is giving myself permission to not be perfect about it, not have the entire thing work perfectly from the start.
For dinner I made Apple-Beet-Carrot juice:
1 apple
2 beets
3 large carrots
1 thumb-sized piece of ginger
4 cups spinach/kale
352 calories, 2.4 g fat, 12.6 g protein, 20 g fiber, 79.9 g carbs.
I'm not sure how to interpret juice info, so I'm just using the info as if I'd eaten the whole food, which can't be right. But it's conservative (ie, estimates high. There's no way I had all that fiber and carbs, since all the solids are in my trash can) but I'll continue to do it this way until I figure out a more accurate way to calculate nutrition info.
BTW, I'm doing juices because I saw the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix about a month ago. Wow! I went out right after that movie and got a juicer. I do feel like a million bucks after having juice. I can feel my face is warm - thermogenesis! and I have energy that I don't have after a normal meal and I feel like I'm taking care of myself in a positive way. The juices are satisfying too! I don't get hungry for like 4 hours after juice. I don't plan on doing a juice fast, but I do want to have juice in my regular eating routine several times a week.
And lastly, here is my first candidate for the "dress."
This is me in January 2005 wearing a velvet jacket that I've gotten TONs of compliments on. Only problem is that I was 220 then, and it's not likely that I'll lose 40 pounds and be able to fit in it again by January. I'll mark this as "possibly" the goal, and keep looking.
I've been following links and reading other weight loss blogs. Really inspiring! Multiple people that have lost 100+ pounds and are maintaining.
I've tried a few new calorie counting programs, because FitDay is kinda annoying. It's slow to load because ya have to wait for the ads to load first, and you can't just keep it open all day and add foods as you eat. You get logged out after an hour or so and have to log back in, and you can't hit Enter to log in, you have to mouse click on the button. Plus, you can't put in recipes by ingredient. And - it doesn't have raw kale in it's dictionary, which is a major item in the juices I've been making.
So, I tried MyNetDiary and MyFitnessPal, and settled on MyFitnessPal. Other peeps in this weight loss community use it, and it does seem nice. And it has kale! And I can put in recipes by ingredient! And, I can friend others doing the challenge so we can share stuff. I think that will help me lose my weight. Being accountable to others.
Food-wise, yesterday was good, although it almost spiraled away from me. I had 3 scrambled eggs and 2 hotdogs for breakfast, trying to up the protein, but when I put those into the calorie counter with the light cream I had in my tea, I realized that I'd already had over 700 calories, half of the entire day!
I stopped by Hennessy Homebrew to get items for the hard cider, and then went to Indian Ladder farms to get the apple juice. I had brought Maggie with me, and she got out at the orchard! Of course, she wouldn't come when I called, and chasing her is futile. So I walked away, which turned out to be the right thing to do, because she wanted attention and came towards people. I asked someone to grab her collar and got her on the leash and back into the car. But I was so flustered that I bought apple coffee cake with lots of yummy brown sugar on top and on the way home got popcorn, because I couldn't decide if I wanted sweet or salty. Ate the popcorn on the way home and the coffee cake later in the afternoon.
But then I had a moment of sanity and entered what I'd eaten into the calorie counter and it was OK! On an impulse, I went to the firehouse around 4 in the afternoon and did a week 1 C25K run/walk. I don't know if I'm ready for that - my left knee hurts today. I maybe should do the elliptical instead of C25K until I lose some weight. I think I should plan on doing something physical every day. Having days on and days off makes it too easy for me to put exercise off.
I saw a profile in the newspaper of a guy that rolls dice every morning to see what exercise he's going to do that day. I've got so many exercise choices that I'd like to do something similar. (Exercise DVD, take the dog for a walk, lift weights in my spare bedroom, band workout, ball workout, at the firehouse treadmill or elliptical or weights). I've made the list already and just need to get things a little organized, like hook up the DVD player and make sure I've got enough usable space in front of the TV (must take down the ceiling fan and put up one that I don't run into with my hands when I raise my arms!). I'd love to have a trainer again, but I need to see how that fits in my finances. In January I joined the Y, thinking that I'd go to exercise classes, but I didn't, so I cancelled the membership in May.
I'll figure something out - what I'm doing differently this time than past times is giving myself permission to not be perfect about it, not have the entire thing work perfectly from the start.
For dinner I made Apple-Beet-Carrot juice:
1 apple
2 beets
3 large carrots
1 thumb-sized piece of ginger
4 cups spinach/kale
352 calories, 2.4 g fat, 12.6 g protein, 20 g fiber, 79.9 g carbs.
I'm not sure how to interpret juice info, so I'm just using the info as if I'd eaten the whole food, which can't be right. But it's conservative (ie, estimates high. There's no way I had all that fiber and carbs, since all the solids are in my trash can) but I'll continue to do it this way until I figure out a more accurate way to calculate nutrition info.
BTW, I'm doing juices because I saw the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix about a month ago. Wow! I went out right after that movie and got a juicer. I do feel like a million bucks after having juice. I can feel my face is warm - thermogenesis! and I have energy that I don't have after a normal meal and I feel like I'm taking care of myself in a positive way. The juices are satisfying too! I don't get hungry for like 4 hours after juice. I don't plan on doing a juice fast, but I do want to have juice in my regular eating routine several times a week.
And lastly, here is my first candidate for the "dress."
This is me in January 2005 wearing a velvet jacket that I've gotten TONs of compliments on. Only problem is that I was 220 then, and it's not likely that I'll lose 40 pounds and be able to fit in it again by January. I'll mark this as "possibly" the goal, and keep looking.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Saturday Sept 3
Got on the scale this morning at 264.4, up 2.2 pounds from the day before. That's kinda my story. All factors being the same, my weight fluctuates 2 or so pounds from day to day. I've been fighting the same 5 pounds for the last 6 months - apparently not fighting hard enough! I was briefly down to 257 in December/January sometime, in the early times of dating Ernie and I felt loved and cared for, but when he started to get flaky, the weight came back. Now I'm happy that he's not in my life these days.
Trying to wrap my head around the concept that I might have to eat 1500 calories a day for the rest of my life. CarbSane asserts that that is what people ate in the olden days, and I suspect she's right. We've become a fat nation simply by eating more calories. It's not a magic thing that appeared, or a switch that I can turn off. I have to ELMM (eat less, move more).
I've had 792 calories so far today. It's interesting that during the week, I'll be around 1000 by 5:30, leaving me only 500 for dinner. I've noticed that I eat less on weekends, likely because my mind is occupied with stuff and I'm not bored like at work. Even hunger doesn't feel the same on weekends. Hunger feels OK now. I'm not frantically trying to stuff something in my mouth. In fact, I'm hungry, but thinking that I'll walk Maggie and then come back and make dinner.
The last time I successfully lost weight was after I moved to DC in 2003. I had a job that was challenging, friends that I hung out with. I lived in Dad's house, and we touched base a few times a week and had brunch every Sunday. I didn't even diet, and 30 pounds just melted off in a few months. The only thing I can think of is that it's cortisol, and stress levels.
Here are the measurements I put into FitDay as my start:
It's hot and humid and I feel really blah, like I'm moving at half speed. There are lots of things I could do, but I can't muster up the oomph to do any of them, except must-do things like laundry. I wish I had someone I could call and hang out with, but it's not easy to be 45 and starting over and making friends doesn't happen fast (It would help if I were extroverted, but I'm just not.) I'm feeling very alone and have to remind myself that I have a pretty stinkin good life. I have a good job, a nice place to live, and I'm healthy. It's gonna spiral into semi-depression soon if I don't do something - like take Maggie for a walk to get us both some exercise, or maybe I'll start C25K again. (I started it in June, but 2 things happened - Lyme disease and huge heat, and (3) I think I was going too fast in the run phase and hurt myself, 2.8 mph walking and 5-5.1 mph jogging). I think I'll take Maggie for a walk. See you later!
Trying to wrap my head around the concept that I might have to eat 1500 calories a day for the rest of my life. CarbSane asserts that that is what people ate in the olden days, and I suspect she's right. We've become a fat nation simply by eating more calories. It's not a magic thing that appeared, or a switch that I can turn off. I have to ELMM (eat less, move more).
I've had 792 calories so far today. It's interesting that during the week, I'll be around 1000 by 5:30, leaving me only 500 for dinner. I've noticed that I eat less on weekends, likely because my mind is occupied with stuff and I'm not bored like at work. Even hunger doesn't feel the same on weekends. Hunger feels OK now. I'm not frantically trying to stuff something in my mouth. In fact, I'm hungry, but thinking that I'll walk Maggie and then come back and make dinner.
The last time I successfully lost weight was after I moved to DC in 2003. I had a job that was challenging, friends that I hung out with. I lived in Dad's house, and we touched base a few times a week and had brunch every Sunday. I didn't even diet, and 30 pounds just melted off in a few months. The only thing I can think of is that it's cortisol, and stress levels.
Here are the measurements I put into FitDay as my start:
It's hot and humid and I feel really blah, like I'm moving at half speed. There are lots of things I could do, but I can't muster up the oomph to do any of them, except must-do things like laundry. I wish I had someone I could call and hang out with, but it's not easy to be 45 and starting over and making friends doesn't happen fast (It would help if I were extroverted, but I'm just not.) I'm feeling very alone and have to remind myself that I have a pretty stinkin good life. I have a good job, a nice place to live, and I'm healthy. It's gonna spiral into semi-depression soon if I don't do something - like take Maggie for a walk to get us both some exercise, or maybe I'll start C25K again. (I started it in June, but 2 things happened - Lyme disease and huge heat, and (3) I think I was going too fast in the run phase and hurt myself, 2.8 mph walking and 5-5.1 mph jogging). I think I'll take Maggie for a walk. See you later!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Starting Pics - September 2011
I had put off getting this awful polyester uniform until the same day as the pictures. All these uniforms are intended for guys, so the shoulders are big and the hips are small. Yuck! I was feeling optimistic when I got the uniform, and got pants that fit snug-ly.
I noticed that FitDay has a place to capture measurements, so I'm going to do that at some point this weekend.
Also want to pick a dress for the challenge. Never mind that I probably won't go to any Christmas or New Years' parties this year, like I haven't for a few years. I've only been in upstate NY for 3 years and haven't made close enough friends to get invited to parties (how depressing). And I don't have a boyfriend or anything to get invited to couples stuff (also depressing).
Well, if I don't end up going to Xmas or New Years parties, there's always the firehouse annual formal in January to plan for!
Friday Afternoon
Whoa - gotta get this under control. McDonalds for breakfast and no lunch prepared meant that I bought a sub for lunch (and then a bag of bugles). So now I'm uncomfortably stuffed. The only good thing I can say is that it was a six inch sub and not a 12-inch sub!
Calories so far today, at 3:00 in the afternoon: 2100
(2) breakfast burritos
sausage egg mcmuffin
6" italian mix sub
Bugles. I ate the entire, small bag, which I now see was 2 servings. Who the hell eats 1/2 of one of these small bags??
Calories so far today, at 3:00 in the afternoon: 2100
(2) breakfast burritos
sausage egg mcmuffin
6" italian mix sub
Bugles. I ate the entire, small bag, which I now see was 2 servings. Who the hell eats 1/2 of one of these small bags??
Friday update, Sept 2
I did OK yesterday until the very end, and that has screwed up this morning as well. Let's start at the beginning.
Really wanted eggs for breakfast, but piddled around in the morning until it was too late. Made Green Juice (recipe below), brought in lunch and snacks
Had tea in the morning with light cream (24 oz + 30 oz)
First "food" was Green Juice at 10:30 - didn't feel hungry before then, but afterwards, I was REALLY hungry
11:00-ish, 1/4 of a fresh pineapple, my new favorite fruit!
Then I ate an unplanned zucchini muffin that a coworker brought in (that 420 calories hurt)
1:00, salad of mixed greens, feta cheese and lunch meat turkey
mid afternoon, handful of wasabi almonds
7:00, baked potato with crumbled bacon, american cheese and sour cream
Green Juice recipe:
6 leaves kale
2 cups spinach
1/2 cucumber
4 stalks celery
2 apples
1" ginger root
I thought the 1" ginger was a typo and so used about 1/2". But I can't taste the ginger at all, so next time I'll use the entire inch. The celery/apple/cucumber combo tastes good. I serving is about 25 or so ounces, 243 calories, 58 gm carbs, 1.4 gm fat, 5.5 gm protein. I added ice cubes and seltzer water to make 30 ounces.
Mood:
Calmer because the property manager sent an email last night about showing the property and I was hopeful it'd be rented. Planned to take Maggie for a walk after work, but it started raining a bit and so I took out a window AC unit and put the window back in instead. I had been thinking of hiring someone to do it, so feel empowered that I could do it myself. Did a backup of my laptop, washed dishes, and got into bed a bit early to read, feeling pretty darned good.
At 10:41 pm, we got a structure fire call, and I ended up being at the call or at the station until 2:30 am. I came home amped and hungry, so cooked 2 hotdogs that I ate with mustard and american cheese slices. It took a long time to get to sleep and I woke up this morning with only a few minutes to leave the house for work. (= McDonalds for breakfast and no lunch prepared).
Exercise:
Didn't walk with Maggie like I had planned, but I did sweat and exert moving the AC unit and putting the window back in, up and down the ladder carrying the window, etc. That counts for something. I have trouble on ladders because of how my knees crack, so those are movements I need to work on (especially in turnout gear carrying a saw or halligan/axe). At the structure fire, I went into the house on air and opened windows (there were plenty of guys wacking the wall and the ceiling to ventilate, so I didn't need to do that). I rolled a few hoses. And that's it.
A few notes:
-It's like I'm afraid of being hungry. I'm a little bored at work, and that boredom translates to me feeling hungry. I get hungry every day at around 10-10:30, no matter whether I ate a full breakfast or not. I think that's boredom, not hunger, but I still feed it.
-I'm exhausted right now and full of McDonalds breakfast, but I'm really, really happy with yesterday. I spent 2 hours at the station with the guys waiting for 4-2 to get back (from midnight to 2am), and it felt comfortable and fun and like I fit in. I can see that I'm picking up things quickly. Even though I have much less experience than others who've been in the department for 2+ years, I'm doing some things right and am gaining respect for being willing to do the hard work and for showing up.
-Losing weight for me is about being able to do things. I tend to give myself a pass on eating and let myself eat whatever I want. I need to be more mindful of that. In the future, taking care of myself will mean something different than giving myself food.
Really wanted eggs for breakfast, but piddled around in the morning until it was too late. Made Green Juice (recipe below), brought in lunch and snacks
Had tea in the morning with light cream (24 oz + 30 oz)
First "food" was Green Juice at 10:30 - didn't feel hungry before then, but afterwards, I was REALLY hungry
11:00-ish, 1/4 of a fresh pineapple, my new favorite fruit!
Then I ate an unplanned zucchini muffin that a coworker brought in (that 420 calories hurt)
1:00, salad of mixed greens, feta cheese and lunch meat turkey
mid afternoon, handful of wasabi almonds
7:00, baked potato with crumbled bacon, american cheese and sour cream
Green Juice recipe:
6 leaves kale
2 cups spinach
1/2 cucumber
4 stalks celery
2 apples
1" ginger root
I thought the 1" ginger was a typo and so used about 1/2". But I can't taste the ginger at all, so next time I'll use the entire inch. The celery/apple/cucumber combo tastes good. I serving is about 25 or so ounces, 243 calories, 58 gm carbs, 1.4 gm fat, 5.5 gm protein. I added ice cubes and seltzer water to make 30 ounces.
Mood:
Calmer because the property manager sent an email last night about showing the property and I was hopeful it'd be rented. Planned to take Maggie for a walk after work, but it started raining a bit and so I took out a window AC unit and put the window back in instead. I had been thinking of hiring someone to do it, so feel empowered that I could do it myself. Did a backup of my laptop, washed dishes, and got into bed a bit early to read, feeling pretty darned good.
At 10:41 pm, we got a structure fire call, and I ended up being at the call or at the station until 2:30 am. I came home amped and hungry, so cooked 2 hotdogs that I ate with mustard and american cheese slices. It took a long time to get to sleep and I woke up this morning with only a few minutes to leave the house for work. (= McDonalds for breakfast and no lunch prepared).
Exercise:
Didn't walk with Maggie like I had planned, but I did sweat and exert moving the AC unit and putting the window back in, up and down the ladder carrying the window, etc. That counts for something. I have trouble on ladders because of how my knees crack, so those are movements I need to work on (especially in turnout gear carrying a saw or halligan/axe). At the structure fire, I went into the house on air and opened windows (there were plenty of guys wacking the wall and the ceiling to ventilate, so I didn't need to do that). I rolled a few hoses. And that's it.
A few notes:
-It's like I'm afraid of being hungry. I'm a little bored at work, and that boredom translates to me feeling hungry. I get hungry every day at around 10-10:30, no matter whether I ate a full breakfast or not. I think that's boredom, not hunger, but I still feed it.
-I'm exhausted right now and full of McDonalds breakfast, but I'm really, really happy with yesterday. I spent 2 hours at the station with the guys waiting for 4-2 to get back (from midnight to 2am), and it felt comfortable and fun and like I fit in. I can see that I'm picking up things quickly. Even though I have much less experience than others who've been in the department for 2+ years, I'm doing some things right and am gaining respect for being willing to do the hard work and for showing up.
-Losing weight for me is about being able to do things. I tend to give myself a pass on eating and let myself eat whatever I want. I need to be more mindful of that. In the future, taking care of myself will mean something different than giving myself food.
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