194.4 this morning. I was 193.2 yesterday after almost a week solid at 195.4, so I'm doing OK. Not great. Not bad.
I'm in a training class this week. Thankfully, no donuts in the mornings, but we are getting lunch every day, which has been a challenge. Monday was Panera box lunches. I skipped the chips but ate the sandwich and the cookie. Entering the calories later, I was depressed to realize that I'd eaten 1000 calories for lunch. Tuesday was lasagna and caesar salad (and italian confections for dessert)- I had a leeetle bit (and one confection). Yesterday was wrap sandwiches, salad and sugar cookies. I had a lot of salad with no dressing, half a sandwich and one cookie. I have no idea what today's lunch is, but I'll try to minimize the damage - while still participating. Yeah, I don't need the desserts. Can't make any excuses so they're OK to have.
I've been trying to get 200-300 calories-worth of exercise every day to balance out the iffy food. I'm doing semi-OK there - jogging at lunch Monday, lunchtime weights Tuesday, jogging in the morning with Dude yesterday and maybe lunchtime jog today. I'm working on weaning myself off the treadmill in favor of running outside. Problem is, running outside is much harder! It's also more interesting, and since hard is good in the workout world, I'm doing good.
I have a hard time believing MFP that the elliptical burns more calories than jogging, so I'm giving them both the same burn, 10 calories per minute = 20-30 minutes needed.
Running outside was killing my knees, so I got fancy running shoes a few weeks ago at a store where they watch you run and you try on a bunch of shoes The shoes feel great, and my knees feel - a little better. Or not as bad. I'm beginning to think that I'm having a flare-up of my Lyme disease, which I got last summer. The major symptoms then were utter exhaustion and joint pain, especially my knees. I'm not exhausted now, but I'll have to live with these flareups, I guess, for the rest of my life. Wonderful.
So - no big news. Trucking along, doing good on some things, and just OK on others. No real disasters, which I'm OK with right now.
Peace y'all! Hope you're having a great week!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
This Stuff Tastes Like Nothing
I brain-farted on bringing some turkey to work, so when I reached for it a half an hour ago, there was nothing to eat. After a moment of distress, I realized that I have a stash for emergencies like this. Homemade beef jerky, store-boughten buffalo jerky, and some baggies with pre-measured servings of spiced almonds.
So I tried the store-boughten jerky. Nuthin. It tastes like crunchy, pre-formed plasticky nothing. There's no flavor!
One thing I've learned in the last 7 months is that I don't have enough calories in the day to waste a single one on food that doesn't taste good. I don't care how expensive it was, or what fancy organic store it came from! In the trash it went!
So now I'm eating a bag of almonds, one serving, pre-measured = 170 calories. Worse than the 70 calories of turkey that's in my fridge, but better than nothing and definitely more flavor than that jerky.
I vaguely tried to slow down and eat mindfully. But here I am typing and eating at the same time, which is exactly the opposite of mindful.
196.0 this morning. My body has responded nicely to the increased focus on diet and exercise. 2.8 pounds down from Sunday, and 2 more to go to get to my recent lowest weight. Tonight I'm going to work out my muscles by doing a weight-bearing workout. Lunch is for errands today, so I'll workout when I get home, and then make a beet-y, carrot-y, kale-y juice for dinner. Yum. (That was not sarcasm, it is actually really satisfying.)
So I tried the store-boughten jerky. Nuthin. It tastes like crunchy, pre-formed plasticky nothing. There's no flavor!
One thing I've learned in the last 7 months is that I don't have enough calories in the day to waste a single one on food that doesn't taste good. I don't care how expensive it was, or what fancy organic store it came from! In the trash it went!
So now I'm eating a bag of almonds, one serving, pre-measured = 170 calories. Worse than the 70 calories of turkey that's in my fridge, but better than nothing and definitely more flavor than that jerky.
I vaguely tried to slow down and eat mindfully. But here I am typing and eating at the same time, which is exactly the opposite of mindful.
196.0 this morning. My body has responded nicely to the increased focus on diet and exercise. 2.8 pounds down from Sunday, and 2 more to go to get to my recent lowest weight. Tonight I'm going to work out my muscles by doing a weight-bearing workout. Lunch is for errands today, so I'll workout when I get home, and then make a beet-y, carrot-y, kale-y juice for dinner. Yum. (That was not sarcasm, it is actually really satisfying.)
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Finally in the Right Direction
I did a nice, hard elliptical workout yesterday morning (only 20 minutes though), and kept the calories to around 1200.
Today I ran outside at lunch with a coworker. It seemed really tough, and I walked a lot. I'm going to measure the distance with a car, but I'm guessing it was less than 15 minutes of running. Hm. Running outside is a TON harder than the treadmill. (But the treadmill sucks because it's boring!) Now that I know the path around the plant, I can go myself to keep practicing and getting better. The girl I ran with is better and faster than me, so I'll bet if I go slower, I could make it all the way around.
I've got yardwork on tap for when I get home, cutting and moving branches and vines and stuff, so I think I can get the calories burned up to 200+ for the day. I had 3 scrambled eggs with 2 ounces of capicola for breakfast (and onions and pepper and broccoli that I don't count), an orange pre-run and 3 ounces of turkey post-run. I'm just finishing a juice that I made (3 kiwis, 2 apples, 1 cucumber and some ginger). I've got a huge deli-made stuffed pepper for dinner which should get me to about 1400 calories today, not including the exercise.
I've got beets, carrots, celery and more cucumbers for juices later this week. Plenty to make the 3 juices that I committed to. I feel good about staying in control this week. Sad to say, but since Dude won't be around this weekend, I'll probably have an easier time staying in control this weekend, too. It would be pretty cool to find the fine balance line between losing and gaining. Right now, I'll try to rack up one day at a time in the win column. Success is the effect of small actions taken repeatedly, so I can focus on the small actions - eat the right foods in the right amounts, and exercise. Easy, peasy - right? Ha!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Weekend Wake Up
So I was merrily progressing on my can't-decide-whether-to-maintain-at-195-or-sprint-to-185-or-170-pounds this weekend. That is, I was eating like a maintainer and hoping for losses like a loser. It started with wings and a rib dinner with sweet potato fries on Friday Then Saturday was fried eggs for breakfast, pulled pork, baked beans and cole slaw for lunch, and pizza and beer for dinner. Sunday was leftovers.
I noticed some things that really distress me.
First: I was hungry. A lot. I've learned what physical hunger feels like in the last few months, and this was not that kind of hunger. There's no good reason for me to need to eat 2 hours after a meal.
Third: I was eating differently, and not in a good way. There was a LOT of the pulled pork lunch. A month ago I would have mindfully eaten about half of it before getting full and stopping. I would have had no problem throwing away the extra. On Saturday, I inhaled half of it. Then I tried to give away the rest. When there were no takers, I inhaled the rest - and could have eaten more.
Fourth: I was so proud that my stomach is smaller and fills up more quickly than before. Except that it seems to have instantly gotten bigger again.
So, I'm up again. Yesterday afternoon it was over 200, but this morning it was 198.8. Turns out that I'm not immune to instantly going back to my old habits after all. I went for the short term pleasure of eating whatever I want - multiple times.
So. What happened, what am I doing, and what did I learn?
I noticed some things that really distress me.
First: I was hungry. A lot. I've learned what physical hunger feels like in the last few months, and this was not that kind of hunger. There's no good reason for me to need to eat 2 hours after a meal.
Second: My reaction to that hunger was to want to eat. Worse - a few times that's exactly what I did. Like last night. Two hours after I had the leftover ribs, I was hungry again. It was going to be either cottage cheese or leftover icing (yeah - why exactly did I keep that stuff anyway when I should know that I'm not past eating like a fat person?). Yup - I had the icing.
Third: I was eating differently, and not in a good way. There was a LOT of the pulled pork lunch. A month ago I would have mindfully eaten about half of it before getting full and stopping. I would have had no problem throwing away the extra. On Saturday, I inhaled half of it. Then I tried to give away the rest. When there were no takers, I inhaled the rest - and could have eaten more.
Fifth: even though I've been migrating to tighter, more fitted clothing lately, I noticed that I've been wanting to wear looser clothes the last few days.
So, I'm up again. Yesterday afternoon it was over 200, but this morning it was 198.8. Turns out that I'm not immune to instantly going back to my old habits after all. I went for the short term pleasure of eating whatever I want - multiple times.
So. What happened, what am I doing, and what did I learn?
What happened: It's possible that this hunger stuff is pre-TOM speaking. It's likely that the prepared foods were highly palatable and ignited some cravings. I was also with Dude and fell into the trap of wishfully thinking that I could eat like a normal person. I think all three happened.
What I am doing: I am wearing my challenge pants today (and a blousy top because of the muffin-toppage). Yup, they're tight and not comfortable. But I am not going to let this trend continue for even another minute. I'm going to be rigorous about not eating breakfast until 10am (it's been scootching earlier over the last week). I'm going to exercise every day this week, M thru F. And I'm going to replace 3 meals with juice this week. Also, I'm going to rigorously track in MFP, which I've slacked on lately.
What did I learn: Just because I have 7 months of healthy eating behind me doesn't mean I can relax. I have to keep doing the tricks I learned: eat for flavor and satiety not for volume, eat mindfully, feed false hunger signals with fluids not food, be vigilant ALL the time. Every bite I put in my mouth is another chance to make good choices. Lastly - you can't out-exercise a bad diet.
One final thought I'm pondering: I was looking forward to being challenge-free, but I'm wondering if the accountability of regularly reporting my weight made that much difference in my daily behaviors. Ie - I'm wondering if I should get my ass back into a challenge - soonest.
Peace y'all - I hope you had great weekends!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
I'm up again today to 197.4 which is totally expected for 2 days after Easter. I ate stuff over the last week that hadn't crossed my lips in months. Stuff like rhubarb pie, some cookies, a piece of pizza, angel food cake, some macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, etc, etc, etc. I'm never going to allow myself to go nuts again, but I did give myself some leeway that Little Miss hyper-control-everything doesn't normally allow.
It's been so long since I ate junk that my digestive system didn't have the right bugs to deal with some of it and I'm still feeling gassy and not-quite-right in my belly. I hadn't worked out in several days (I think since Thursday). I started to do a Jillian Michaels workout DVD yesterday after work, but my intestines thought that wouldn't be a good idea and sent me to the bathroom. I'll try exercising again today.
I also did experience carb cravings, which is now an unfamiliar and not very nice-feeling. Before, I would have stuffed my face in response to those cravings. Instead, I allowed myself a bit more than usual in the form of a container of Chobani and a juicy mix blend of cucumber, apple, pear and ginger. Otherwise, it was back to normal-diet eating yesterday, roughly 1300-1400 calories. Today I'm giving myself a yogurt and a banana if I feel like I need to eat extra.
My first thought was that I've been bad and I'll have to get back on the wagon. But then I realized that it's called living my life like a normal person that I was doing, not being bad. I don't ever want to feel like this healthy way of eating is a punishment. I'm never, ever in the entire rest of my life going to regularly eat 2000+ calories a day. So there's no point in viewing that way of eating as something I want to do. The key is to find a way to prepare the good stuff in a way that makes me happy. Veggies are yummy treats - right!
Time for some math geekiness:
I started last September weighing 264 pounds. I've lost roughly 70 pounds in 7 months, although the last few months have been more like 7-8 pounds per month. My goal of 169 pounds is 28 pounds away, which = 3.5-4 months if I keep on dieting hard like I've been doing (~1300 calories per day). MFP says I can have 1500 calories if I want to lose 1 lb per week and 1750 calories if I want to lose 1/2 pound per week. The difference between my current dieting and 1500 calories per day is roughly ONE Chobani and 3 olives per day. Not a lot!
Where I want to be is living my life, not dieting. But I'm worried that if I slack off now to enjoy this whole living my life stuff, I'll languish for months or years 25 pounds away from my goal in some sort of suspended dieting animation, which is not ideal. I want to sprint to the end and then stop dieting.
I'm rambling and not coming to any useful conclusions, so I'll sign off. For now I'm going to keep my daily goals the same: exercise for 30 minutes most days of the week and eat roughly 1300-ish calories. If it starts to feel more like punishment, I'll re-evaluate. Again.
It's been so long since I ate junk that my digestive system didn't have the right bugs to deal with some of it and I'm still feeling gassy and not-quite-right in my belly. I hadn't worked out in several days (I think since Thursday). I started to do a Jillian Michaels workout DVD yesterday after work, but my intestines thought that wouldn't be a good idea and sent me to the bathroom. I'll try exercising again today.
I also did experience carb cravings, which is now an unfamiliar and not very nice-feeling. Before, I would have stuffed my face in response to those cravings. Instead, I allowed myself a bit more than usual in the form of a container of Chobani and a juicy mix blend of cucumber, apple, pear and ginger. Otherwise, it was back to normal-diet eating yesterday, roughly 1300-1400 calories. Today I'm giving myself a yogurt and a banana if I feel like I need to eat extra.
My first thought was that I've been bad and I'll have to get back on the wagon. But then I realized that it's called living my life like a normal person that I was doing, not being bad. I don't ever want to feel like this healthy way of eating is a punishment. I'm never, ever in the entire rest of my life going to regularly eat 2000+ calories a day. So there's no point in viewing that way of eating as something I want to do. The key is to find a way to prepare the good stuff in a way that makes me happy. Veggies are yummy treats - right!
Time for some math geekiness:
I started last September weighing 264 pounds. I've lost roughly 70 pounds in 7 months, although the last few months have been more like 7-8 pounds per month. My goal of 169 pounds is 28 pounds away, which = 3.5-4 months if I keep on dieting hard like I've been doing (~1300 calories per day). MFP says I can have 1500 calories if I want to lose 1 lb per week and 1750 calories if I want to lose 1/2 pound per week. The difference between my current dieting and 1500 calories per day is roughly ONE Chobani and 3 olives per day. Not a lot!
Where I want to be is living my life, not dieting. But I'm worried that if I slack off now to enjoy this whole living my life stuff, I'll languish for months or years 25 pounds away from my goal in some sort of suspended dieting animation, which is not ideal. I want to sprint to the end and then stop dieting.
I'm rambling and not coming to any useful conclusions, so I'll sign off. For now I'm going to keep my daily goals the same: exercise for 30 minutes most days of the week and eat roughly 1300-ish calories. If it starts to feel more like punishment, I'll re-evaluate. Again.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
E2E Update
196.8, up a few pounds from last weekend's low of 194, but still 25 pounds down from the E2E start (and almost 80 pounds down from my highest weight of 276)! My goal for the E2E challenge was to get into Onederland and I did!!!
When the challenge started, I couldn't get the pants up my legs to start - and now they fit! (as long as I don't try to sit down.) I've been going for tight stuff lately. I've gone from a 1x-2x shirt down to normal peoples' size medium. The sweater here is a petite small, so yeah, kinda tight! In pants, I'm wearing anywhere from 16 down to 12). The black jeans I'm wearing in the before pictures are loose now.
When the challenge started, I couldn't get the pants up my legs to start - and now they fit! (as long as I don't try to sit down.) I've been going for tight stuff lately. I've gone from a 1x-2x shirt down to normal peoples' size medium. The sweater here is a petite small, so yeah, kinda tight! In pants, I'm wearing anywhere from 16 down to 12). The black jeans I'm wearing in the before pictures are loose now.
So, these after pictures were taken by Dude before we headed out to Easter festivities. Rather than being over, things are mostly better than they were, except for me being more cautious than before. Something major was lost in his German style of communicating and my American style of understanding, and it caused about a week's worth of crap and then some more crap after that. He's apologized and promised it won't happen again - and I believe him. Thanks for your support the other day! I felt pretty weird/bad when I realized that it wasn't actually going to be over. I know it's smarter to keep this sort of stuff out of the bloggy headlines, but I felt like I needed to get it out of my head. I'll eventually take this blog off the public airwaves, so it won't be hanging out there forever.
I'm SO thankful for this challenge and the CDCC! The accountability and weekly measurements kept me from slacking off and losing focus. While the eating and exercise habits weren't a problem for me, I struggled with the bloggy supporting. I supported my buddy, mostly, and got 3 others every week. I didn't rock much more than that though.
I think I may slow the weight loss down over the summer and focus on generally healthy eating and exercise habits. I'd like to hit 185 later in the summer (10 pounds in a few months), and then maybe join Mir's next challenge to hit it hard for the final 15 pounds to get to <170 by the end of the year.
Happy Easter all! I'm glad to have known you for this part of the journey, and I hope success follows you everywhere you go!
Friday, April 6, 2012
It's Probably Over
Yesterday was one of those days where things get worse and worse and everything new that happens makes things go downhill further. Dude felt like things were going too fast. He enjoyed his time away and wants more of it, starting with most (probably all) of this weekend and most of next week. He warned me that when he goes to Germany for 2 weeks in May, I won't hear from him at all. We agreed there is an "us" and that we want to keep dating and that we aren't interested in dating other people, but that was early in our conversation and I suspect that by the end that prospect is less likely. I wasn't really accepting that things are the way they are, which probably made it worse.
I'm still absorbing it all. The last few days I felt crappy because I didn't know what was going on. Now I do. There's relief at understanding the signs and signals and now things make sense, but I despise how beginning relationships can turn sour so quickly and I'm sad that my pattern continues. I was so hoping that this time would be different. I feel so alone. Once again, those that have loved ones close to you - hold them tight.
I'm still absorbing it all. The last few days I felt crappy because I didn't know what was going on. Now I do. There's relief at understanding the signs and signals and now things make sense, but I despise how beginning relationships can turn sour so quickly and I'm sad that my pattern continues. I was so hoping that this time would be different. I feel so alone. Once again, those that have loved ones close to you - hold them tight.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
E2E Midweek Update
This is the last midweek update!!!
195.0 this morning. My goal for the E2E challenge was to lose 22 pounds, break 200 - and I did! And then some. I'll likely stay right around here for the next few weeks, if past performance is an indicator of future results. No worries about that.
The week's been hard in other ways. I haven't seen Dude in almost 2 weeks. We only knew each other a month before this, so 2 weeks is a big chunk. My abandonment-centered worldview doesn't take stuff like this well. Plus, he did the typical guy thing of not thinking about keeping the communication lines open, which would bother even a normal woman (thanks for your comments Sunday BTW! It helped!).
I've been super tense all week. Spent most of the time certain we weren't going to survive the separation. When he finally called a few days ago, I did the typical woman thing of shitting all over his good time. So it's been a tough week. We'll see each other tonight, finally. I'm SO hoping that we'll come out understanding each other better. I'm finally feeling more positive about the whole thing. At least not so negative.
The cool thing is that I didn't retreat into macaroni and cheese or my old friend fettucini alfredo. I worked out hard yesterday to get out some of the negativity, and then listened to a meditation thing. I didn't even consider binging, but boy, my uncomfortable feelings had me grasping for stuff to not feel so bad. Mindfullness says that I should not avoid the bad feelings or seek out good feelings - but wow, it was tough. I had feelings I don't have names for - I'm so unaccustomed to them. Feelings, that is.
My challenge pants fit! They're Levi's misses size 16. I also have a pair of normal size 12s that fit as well. I could wear them out as long as I don't sit down! I'll post pics on Sunday to close this challenge.
I've written it before, but it deserves saying again - this challenge and the CDCC made ALL the difference! If I hadn't stumbled on Mir's blog by following a comment she made on Whole Health Source, I'd still weigh 260 pounds. I can't thank my lucky stars and Mir enough for letting me into the CDCC!
The week's been hard in other ways. I haven't seen Dude in almost 2 weeks. We only knew each other a month before this, so 2 weeks is a big chunk. My abandonment-centered worldview doesn't take stuff like this well. Plus, he did the typical guy thing of not thinking about keeping the communication lines open, which would bother even a normal woman (thanks for your comments Sunday BTW! It helped!).
I've been super tense all week. Spent most of the time certain we weren't going to survive the separation. When he finally called a few days ago, I did the typical woman thing of shitting all over his good time. So it's been a tough week. We'll see each other tonight, finally. I'm SO hoping that we'll come out understanding each other better. I'm finally feeling more positive about the whole thing. At least not so negative.
The cool thing is that I didn't retreat into macaroni and cheese or my old friend fettucini alfredo. I worked out hard yesterday to get out some of the negativity, and then listened to a meditation thing. I didn't even consider binging, but boy, my uncomfortable feelings had me grasping for stuff to not feel so bad. Mindfullness says that I should not avoid the bad feelings or seek out good feelings - but wow, it was tough. I had feelings I don't have names for - I'm so unaccustomed to them. Feelings, that is.
My challenge pants fit! They're Levi's misses size 16. I also have a pair of normal size 12s that fit as well. I could wear them out as long as I don't sit down! I'll post pics on Sunday to close this challenge.
I've written it before, but it deserves saying again - this challenge and the CDCC made ALL the difference! If I hadn't stumbled on Mir's blog by following a comment she made on Whole Health Source, I'd still weigh 260 pounds. I can't thank my lucky stars and Mir enough for letting me into the CDCC!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Tuesday
194.6 this morning. I was down to 194 yesterday, but ate semi-normally yesterday. I lost a month's worth of weight in a week, so I'll either stay here for several weeks, or gain a few pounds back before continuing downward. Probably both. Le sigh.
Overall I'm really pleased with the progress though. In September when I was around 260, I couldn't imagine weighing less than 200. I had to make goals in 10-pound increments so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I felt righteous about being a fat person, but didn't love myself, so I wasn't srprised when other people didn't love me either. I think I didn't like myself first, then got fat to make the outside match the inside.
Now that I'm thinner, I'm shocked when people react to me differently. But I'm also more confident than I was before, which feeds into people reacting differently to me. I remember the powerless feeling of eating too much. Feeling like I couldn't control myself, but wanting food to make myself feel better.
I want to take that feeling and put it in a box and keep it always in my life.
I don't want to push that feeling away because it's part of me. That scared, vulnerable girl who is taking care of herself the only way she knew how is ... ME.
I want to take that person and hold her close and say, "It's OK. You are loved."
I've lost weight a few times before. Actually kept it off for years after the first time in my 20s. This time, I think long-term success is going to hinge completely on me feeling my feelings and letting them go rather than being overwhelmed by them. I developed a (shaky) mindfullness practice where I learned that when feelings, even uncomfortable ones knock on my door, I should throw the door wide, hold my arms open and say, "Welcome!" "Come here and rest inside me, for you are part of me and deserve love like all the parts of myself." It reminds me of a Dixie Chicks' song, Hello Mr Heartbreak, I've Been Expecting You.
When I apply love to all the parts of myself, including the bad and uncomfortable feelings, they weaken and lose power. Am I good at this? Not particularly. It still makes me cry a lot. But they feel like the tears I didn't cry when I was 12. Soon I'll get to the tears I didn't cry when I was 14, 15, 16 and eventually I'll get to my 30s and 40s, and then I'll be caught up.
I'm sure things aren't going to be perfect and I'm sure I'll fail a bunch. But I've got some more tools than I had before. Tools to help me succeed more than I fail. Tools to help me react differently than the last 10 years. Tools to make the outcome different this time. That's the plan anyway!
Overall I'm really pleased with the progress though. In September when I was around 260, I couldn't imagine weighing less than 200. I had to make goals in 10-pound increments so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I felt righteous about being a fat person, but didn't love myself, so I wasn't srprised when other people didn't love me either. I think I didn't like myself first, then got fat to make the outside match the inside.
Now that I'm thinner, I'm shocked when people react to me differently. But I'm also more confident than I was before, which feeds into people reacting differently to me. I remember the powerless feeling of eating too much. Feeling like I couldn't control myself, but wanting food to make myself feel better.
I want to take that feeling and put it in a box and keep it always in my life.
I don't want to push that feeling away because it's part of me. That scared, vulnerable girl who is taking care of herself the only way she knew how is ... ME.
I want to take that person and hold her close and say, "It's OK. You are loved."
I've lost weight a few times before. Actually kept it off for years after the first time in my 20s. This time, I think long-term success is going to hinge completely on me feeling my feelings and letting them go rather than being overwhelmed by them. I developed a (shaky) mindfullness practice where I learned that when feelings, even uncomfortable ones knock on my door, I should throw the door wide, hold my arms open and say, "Welcome!" "Come here and rest inside me, for you are part of me and deserve love like all the parts of myself." It reminds me of a Dixie Chicks' song, Hello Mr Heartbreak, I've Been Expecting You.
When I apply love to all the parts of myself, including the bad and uncomfortable feelings, they weaken and lose power. Am I good at this? Not particularly. It still makes me cry a lot. But they feel like the tears I didn't cry when I was 12. Soon I'll get to the tears I didn't cry when I was 14, 15, 16 and eventually I'll get to my 30s and 40s, and then I'll be caught up.
I'm sure things aren't going to be perfect and I'm sure I'll fail a bunch. But I've got some more tools than I had before. Tools to help me succeed more than I fail. Tools to help me react differently than the last 10 years. Tools to make the outcome different this time. That's the plan anyway!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
E2E Update
This is the second-to-last Sunday update for the Eve to Easter Challenge!
Weight: 195.2 (202.4 last week). On September 3rd last year I was 264, for 69 pounds lost in 7 months.
My weight's been going down like stair steps. Basically flat for weeks at a time, then a whoosh down. This week was woosh - 7.2 pounds down. I wouldn't wish the reason on anyone though. I had some bad fish Friday night and have been kinda afraid to eat since. Either that or I have the flu. I made myself get up this morning and go to the grocery for some kefir and loads of yogurt to get some good bugs into my belly, but I still feel weak. I ate some pineapple this morning and then tried to run a bit. I got through about 10+5 minutes of jogging, but then there was no more gas in my tank and I had to stop.
Waist: 33-1/2 (Sept 3 last year it was 42.5, lost 9 inches)
Hips: 45 (Sept 3 last year 54, lost 9 inches)
Thigh: 26-1/2 (Sept 3 last year 30.5, lost 4 inches x 2 thighs=8)
I'm such a pear shape. It's like I lost weight from my neck and waist first and only now, after 7 months of losing and close to goal weight - only now am losing from my hips and thighs.
It's really odd to realize that when people look at me, they don't think," Fat person," any more. Last night, as part of my EMT training, I rode with an ambulance crew. At one point we were standing around talking about a call one group had where a 14-year old girl had unsuccessfully tried to climb a fence with sharp wires on top. They were joking about her being 220 pounds (as in, "that's why she couldn't get over the fence."). I kept quiet that I was 220 pounds at Christmastime. It's like I finally get to be in the secret club of kinda normal weight people.
Dude is playing in Boston with a German serviceperson and I haven't spoken to him in days. He hasn't even managed to text. I feel a little shunted to the side (OK, a LOT shunted to the side), but he did warn me it would be like this (this week). It reminds me of a few uncomfortable things. One: how quickly I changed my life to fit him into it. Last week I was planning on taking him with me to Easter dinner with the family I eat my holiday meals with. Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to introduce him to people in my life. Not without a serious conversation. Two: I am fundamentally alone. Just because I wish it weren't so doesn't make it true. Being sick this weekend with nobody to call brings it home to me in a harsh way. No matter what I want and wish for, I am still alone. All those of you who have family and others close to you, be very thankful!
My weight's been going down like stair steps. Basically flat for weeks at a time, then a whoosh down. This week was woosh - 7.2 pounds down. I wouldn't wish the reason on anyone though. I had some bad fish Friday night and have been kinda afraid to eat since. Either that or I have the flu. I made myself get up this morning and go to the grocery for some kefir and loads of yogurt to get some good bugs into my belly, but I still feel weak. I ate some pineapple this morning and then tried to run a bit. I got through about 10+5 minutes of jogging, but then there was no more gas in my tank and I had to stop.
Waist: 33-1/2 (Sept 3 last year it was 42.5, lost 9 inches)
Hips: 45 (Sept 3 last year 54, lost 9 inches)
Thigh: 26-1/2 (Sept 3 last year 30.5, lost 4 inches x 2 thighs=8)
I'm such a pear shape. It's like I lost weight from my neck and waist first and only now, after 7 months of losing and close to goal weight - only now am losing from my hips and thighs.
It's really odd to realize that when people look at me, they don't think," Fat person," any more. Last night, as part of my EMT training, I rode with an ambulance crew. At one point we were standing around talking about a call one group had where a 14-year old girl had unsuccessfully tried to climb a fence with sharp wires on top. They were joking about her being 220 pounds (as in, "that's why she couldn't get over the fence."). I kept quiet that I was 220 pounds at Christmastime. It's like I finally get to be in the secret club of kinda normal weight people.
Dude is playing in Boston with a German serviceperson and I haven't spoken to him in days. He hasn't even managed to text. I feel a little shunted to the side (OK, a LOT shunted to the side), but he did warn me it would be like this (this week). It reminds me of a few uncomfortable things. One: how quickly I changed my life to fit him into it. Last week I was planning on taking him with me to Easter dinner with the family I eat my holiday meals with. Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to introduce him to people in my life. Not without a serious conversation. Two: I am fundamentally alone. Just because I wish it weren't so doesn't make it true. Being sick this weekend with nobody to call brings it home to me in a harsh way. No matter what I want and wish for, I am still alone. All those of you who have family and others close to you, be very thankful!
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