198.2 this morning. Lost another pound.
I can tell it's water weight because I can see the lines on my belly again. It's like they're there 2 weeks of the month and the other 2 weeks they're obscured by watery bloat. No matter, as long as the underlying number keeps going down.
I got the good habits back, but as soon as I spent an evening with Dude, the good habits went the way of all good intentions. There's a definite change in the slope of my weight loss since I met Dude. It's slowed down. I have a week of not seeing him coming up, when I can do really good stuff. Then I'll have to work harder on self-control to stay on track when I'm around him. It's not that he's not supportive. It's simple math - he has a lot more calories per day to play with than I do.
One of the things that got my mojo back was reading blogs of successful weight losers and maintainers. People who have the same complicated lives that we all do, yet manage to make success happen. Just like playing any sport with people who are better than me makes me amp up my game - reading how other people fit the exercise and good food choices into complicated lives makes me a stronger dieter. It makes it easier to make choices that make me go, "waaah, I don't wanna eat more lettuce!!!"
I don't think I'm going to go into another challenge right now. The rigor of the CDCC and E2E made ALL the difference for my 70-ish pounds that I lost, but I want to take a break. My job is getting more difficult and I should put the time I spend blogging into doing my job. I enjoy blogging, so I tend to do it before doing things that I enjoy less. Like work. I'm gonna finish the E2E strong (watch how I wear the challenge pants! They almost fit!), and then I'm going to keep blogging as long as it helps me continue in the right direction. But I don't see myself being a weight-loss blogger forever. Eventually, I'll probably shut down this blog and go back to my other blog, a thinner woman.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday - Almost!! Again.
Even though I wrote that I was thinking about doing a maintenance-y, lose-y thing, what I meant was that I wanted to DO maintenance and GET RESULTS like I was still losing. The physics doesn't work like that. If I want to lose, I have to ACT like I want to lose. Dieting and maintaining are two different things.
I got loose with what I ate (hello, rice and pasta are NOT foods that I can have every week and still lose) and with portion sizes. My not-weight loss last week shows that if I'm gonna eat like maintenance, that's what I'll get. We get out what we put in.
I lost discipline on the working out. I ran errands on my lunch hours instead of working out and expected the workout time would just magically happen. It didn't. I have to devote precious time to working out, meaning I'll have to NOT do other things. If I don't work out, I don't get results. It's pretty simple and it doesn't happen without me making workouts a priority over other things, like finishing construction work on my house.
I still want to lose 15-30 more pounds, so I can't stop. Dieting isn't hard when I put my mind to it and do it. I can't slack off and hope that magically weight will evaporate from me. I did that for 10 years and gained 100 pounds. I don't want to be in a place where I'm trying to lose, but not very hard and I'm in some never-never land where I never reach goal. I wanna git somewhere fast-ish and then change over to maintenance.
So here it is:
I'm gonna (continue to) DIET until I hit 185 and then think about continuing down to 169. I re-upped Sunday and Monday, did good food, some juicing, some Jillian Michaels, and lost 2+ pounds. I'm SO SO SO close to Onederland and the momentum is there to keep going. I had my slack off time and my wandering in the woods last week. Now I'm back and focused.
Good day all!!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
E2E Update - What To Do with This??
202.4 this morning.
Waist: 36
Hips: 46
Thigh: 27
Food: Over 1300 Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Exercise: Only 3 days
Book: Nope
Support: I only supported my buddy plus 2 others. I was busy at work this week which is when I usually do this. Unfortunately I can't see my buddy's vlogs from work or from my ipad. Boo.
It was a really really busy week this week. Class went to 10pm on Monday and Wednesday and 9 on Friday. I hung out with Dude the other 2 evenings. On Friday he found out that a close friend of his in Germany committed suicide, so he came over with a bottle of booze and spaghetti with fixins - and made me dinner. That's about the sweetest thing ever! I wasn't about to say, "but spaghetti isn't on my plan!" I ate everything he made; triscuits and cheese, asparagus soup, spaghetti with creamy sauce and chicken, and chocolate for dessert. And I drank with him. A lot less than he did. But still. It was a lot of calories, I didn't even bother to count.
Then yesterday I made a driving route that took us down a lot of twisty country roads as we drove to a little walky town with shops. Trying to distract him a little bit from his sadness but still give him mental space to process stuff. The barbeque pulled pork didn't have anything to do with distraction, and neither did the onion rings. That was a total slip.
So now I have THIS in my refrigerator. Left over spaghetti and left over pulled pork. Leftover rice from Thursday's chinese and leftover veggies and pineapple from Tuesday's grill-out.
I had to throw the spaghetti away.
I love pasta and have no problem eating it on special occasions. I used to eat it all the time, but while I won't cut it out altogether, I can't let myself eat it like I used to. Friday was a special occasion, but today is not. When I caught myself standing in front of the fridge, eating the sketty cold, I realized I had to throw it away.
All of last week's busyness and plans changing made it so I only worked out 3 times, which distresses me. For one of those times, I rushed and ended up cutting the workout short. That's something I can't allow to continue. Twice, coworkers asked if I wanted to jog at lunchtime, but I made excuses. Gonna jump on that next time.
I can still hit my goal of breaking into Onederland by April 1st, but I'm going to have to focus to do it. Dude is entertaining overseas visitors this week and next week, so I'll have an easier time staying on plan. Originally, we weren't going to see each other for the entire time, but I'm pretty happy that he's already set up the expectation that the other guys will take care of themselves Tuesday evening, and scheduled for me to bring my running shoes over to his place so we can go jogging together. That's encouraging on so many levels, I can hardly stand it.
On that note I'll sign off and post this update.
My quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Waist: 36
Hips: 46
Thigh: 27
Food: Over 1300 Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Exercise: Only 3 days
Book: Nope
Support: I only supported my buddy plus 2 others. I was busy at work this week which is when I usually do this. Unfortunately I can't see my buddy's vlogs from work or from my ipad. Boo.
It was a really really busy week this week. Class went to 10pm on Monday and Wednesday and 9 on Friday. I hung out with Dude the other 2 evenings. On Friday he found out that a close friend of his in Germany committed suicide, so he came over with a bottle of booze and spaghetti with fixins - and made me dinner. That's about the sweetest thing ever! I wasn't about to say, "but spaghetti isn't on my plan!" I ate everything he made; triscuits and cheese, asparagus soup, spaghetti with creamy sauce and chicken, and chocolate for dessert. And I drank with him. A lot less than he did. But still. It was a lot of calories, I didn't even bother to count.
Then yesterday I made a driving route that took us down a lot of twisty country roads as we drove to a little walky town with shops. Trying to distract him a little bit from his sadness but still give him mental space to process stuff. The barbeque pulled pork didn't have anything to do with distraction, and neither did the onion rings. That was a total slip.
So now I have THIS in my refrigerator. Left over spaghetti and left over pulled pork. Leftover rice from Thursday's chinese and leftover veggies and pineapple from Tuesday's grill-out.
I had to throw the spaghetti away.
I love pasta and have no problem eating it on special occasions. I used to eat it all the time, but while I won't cut it out altogether, I can't let myself eat it like I used to. Friday was a special occasion, but today is not. When I caught myself standing in front of the fridge, eating the sketty cold, I realized I had to throw it away.
All of last week's busyness and plans changing made it so I only worked out 3 times, which distresses me. For one of those times, I rushed and ended up cutting the workout short. That's something I can't allow to continue. Twice, coworkers asked if I wanted to jog at lunchtime, but I made excuses. Gonna jump on that next time.
I can still hit my goal of breaking into Onederland by April 1st, but I'm going to have to focus to do it. Dude is entertaining overseas visitors this week and next week, so I'll have an easier time staying on plan. Originally, we weren't going to see each other for the entire time, but I'm pretty happy that he's already set up the expectation that the other guys will take care of themselves Tuesday evening, and scheduled for me to bring my running shoes over to his place so we can go jogging together. That's encouraging on so many levels, I can hardly stand it.
On that note I'll sign off and post this update.
My quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
E2E Midweek Update - Not Yet
I was 200.2 yesterday morning and thought I might break into Onederland today. Except for the puffiness around my belly and the not-peeing out all my tea. And the evening weigh-in saying I was 203.4. If I lost my standard 2 pounds overnight, I'd go the wrong direction. Which is what happened.
So I'm 201.2 this morning.
So I'm 201.2 this morning.
I've had a metallic taste in my mouth for the last week. It's annoying because Diet Coke and my tea taste like crap. My working hypothesis is that the metallic taste is because I've been in ketosis. I've had less than 100 gm of carbs about 6/7 days for the last several weeks. So yesterday I had a brownie with fudge frosting to knock myself out of ketosis (and get my calories up to ~1350). The brownie was YUMMY and was 60 of the 84 gm of carbs I had yesterday.
It worked too well. No metallic taste today, but one extra pound of water on the hips. Sigh. Guess I'll extend the Onederland anticipation a few more days.
I'm wearing some form fitting Liz Claiborne pants that are size 16. This morning I tried on some Levis that I can't wait to fit into - size 12 relaxed fit. They're only a little tighter than what I've got on. It's funny how there's such a range of sizes for the same body. It reminded me of a goal - wear size 12 pants consistently.
I'm also reminded that I need to look up my goals and rewards from when I started the CDCC in September. I think I said I'd get another tattoo when I hit 200 pounds! Here's my first tattoo.
I got this tattoo on my finger right after I got divorced 14 years ago. It represented my promise to myself to be more careful if I ever consider getting married again, something I badly wanted and still want. Over the years I dated a bunch of wrong dudes and I'd look at my finger and know that I'd never consider marrying them. The tattoo is sort of a barrier to another ring going onto my ring finger.
I'm seriously considering getting it lightened or partially/mostly removed. Now that I'm learning how to take care of myself emotionally all the time, I don't feel the need to remind myself or advertise something that came from a negative place.
For a new tattoo, I'm thinking about something about honoring my body (yeah, ink to honor my body. I get how odd that is). I'm thinking words, and I'm thinking on the part of my body I like the most. My belly, on the front-side. The words that come to mind are, "Treat Me Right." The only problem is that the words come from a Pat Benetar song where she's trying to get a guy to stop treating her wrong. So, um, not exactly coming from a positive place.
I'll keep pondering what my new tat should be. Looks like I'll have more time to consider it before I can give myself the gift.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday
200.8 this morning. Got rid of last week's 2-pound gain.
I've only lost 5-6 pounds in the last month (average over the past 7 months has been 9 pounds per month). It still looks like I'll break through the 200 pound barrier in the next week.
I wanna keep going to 185 (last weight I successfully maintained) and then to 169 (no longer overweight), but I'm going to be less rigorous about it. I may start doing a lose-y, maintain-y thing where my eating life looks closer to maintenance and I settle into a workout schedule that I can do long-term. I'm close to the point where as long as I'm moving downward, I'm OK with doing it slooowly.
Thanks for all the supportive comments about Dude. After the conversation we had last weekend, I find that I have no urge to go back online to check his status (at least so far). I do trust that he's not meeting anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! He's completely new to online dating and honestly didn't know until I pointed it out to him. There's no upside to me checking again.
We had a really nice weekend. We went to a farmer's market in Saratoga Springs, then took a long nature walk. Then checked out an Irish pub for the whole St Patrick's Day experience (his first in the US). Later we grilled out burgers and had sweet potato medallions, bare burgers and mixed greens salad for dinner. He stayed over. Then Sunday he helped with construction work on my bathroom and we smoked a big hunk of salmon on the grill and had it with broccoli. I had EMT class last night, but we'll get together this evening for our first joint workout, then dinner prepared by him. I have to keep on reminding myself (like, constantly) to focus on the moment and enjoy what's going on right now. 'Cause there's a lot to enjoy.
I started serious weight loss on Sept 1 at 264 pounds. I've been eating about 1300 calories a day and working out 5 days a week for roughly 200-250 cals per workout. Losing 63 pounds in 7 months has been a wonderful, empowering dream. Random people from work are stopping me and telling me that I look great, which makes me feel good, but a little uncomfortable. Someone actually said that I'm getting thin and I don't need to lose any more, letting me know I'm pretty close to the goal. I can cross my legs for real and feel my hips when I'm laying down!
While I want to keep going with the losing, I also need to get used to not being invisible any more. Get used to people looking at me again and how they look at me, and how people interact with me differently than a year ago. The CDCC and E2E challenges and the support from you guys has completely made the difference in me being able to get this far!
I wanna keep going to 185 (last weight I successfully maintained) and then to 169 (no longer overweight), but I'm going to be less rigorous about it. I may start doing a lose-y, maintain-y thing where my eating life looks closer to maintenance and I settle into a workout schedule that I can do long-term. I'm close to the point where as long as I'm moving downward, I'm OK with doing it slooowly.
Thanks for all the supportive comments about Dude. After the conversation we had last weekend, I find that I have no urge to go back online to check his status (at least so far). I do trust that he's not meeting anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! He's completely new to online dating and honestly didn't know until I pointed it out to him. There's no upside to me checking again.
We had a really nice weekend. We went to a farmer's market in Saratoga Springs, then took a long nature walk. Then checked out an Irish pub for the whole St Patrick's Day experience (his first in the US). Later we grilled out burgers and had sweet potato medallions, bare burgers and mixed greens salad for dinner. He stayed over. Then Sunday he helped with construction work on my bathroom and we smoked a big hunk of salmon on the grill and had it with broccoli. I had EMT class last night, but we'll get together this evening for our first joint workout, then dinner prepared by him. I have to keep on reminding myself (like, constantly) to focus on the moment and enjoy what's going on right now. 'Cause there's a lot to enjoy.
I started serious weight loss on Sept 1 at 264 pounds. I've been eating about 1300 calories a day and working out 5 days a week for roughly 200-250 cals per workout. Losing 63 pounds in 7 months has been a wonderful, empowering dream. Random people from work are stopping me and telling me that I look great, which makes me feel good, but a little uncomfortable. Someone actually said that I'm getting thin and I don't need to lose any more, letting me know I'm pretty close to the goal. I can cross my legs for real and feel my hips when I'm laying down!
While I want to keep going with the losing, I also need to get used to not being invisible any more. Get used to people looking at me again and how they look at me, and how people interact with me differently than a year ago. The CDCC and E2E challenges and the support from you guys has completely made the difference in me being able to get this far!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
E2E Update
201.4 this morning, 201.6 last week for 0.2 pound loss this week, E2E start 222
Waist: 35+, E2E start 36
Hips: 47, E2E start 48
Thigh: 27, E2E start 28
It was a weird week and not in a great way. Exercise was on the low side and eating was on the high side. I spent a major part of the week being uncomfortable about the whole thing with Dude (still am). The specifics are still great. I'm working on the discomfort with a therapist, so I'm doing OK, all things considered. He told me yesterday how comfortable he is being with me and asked if I feel the same way, which was my opportunity to say, "yes, but since you're still going on match.com, I'm not entirely relaxed." He said he'd checked to see if he could take his profile completely off rather than just make it invisible, but wasn't able to figure it out. Whatever. I'll stop being bothered about it when he's not going on match every day. It seems pretty simple to me. Bleh. Yeah, still in a mood, I guess.
Book: No
Support: Got the minimum covered, but didn't excel this week.
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Waist: 35+, E2E start 36
Hips: 47, E2E start 48
Thigh: 27, E2E start 28
It was a weird week and not in a great way. Exercise was on the low side and eating was on the high side. I spent a major part of the week being uncomfortable about the whole thing with Dude (still am). The specifics are still great. I'm working on the discomfort with a therapist, so I'm doing OK, all things considered. He told me yesterday how comfortable he is being with me and asked if I feel the same way, which was my opportunity to say, "yes, but since you're still going on match.com, I'm not entirely relaxed." He said he'd checked to see if he could take his profile completely off rather than just make it invisible, but wasn't able to figure it out. Whatever. I'll stop being bothered about it when he's not going on match every day. It seems pretty simple to me. Bleh. Yeah, still in a mood, I guess.
Book: No
Support: Got the minimum covered, but didn't excel this week.
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Friday
Gained 2 pounds overnight, up to 203.2. Gotta be TOM since I didn't eat 7000 extra calories. I also think it's TOM because I've got the TOM mood.
For one day prior to TOM, everything stinks. Everything seems bad. I interpret everything in the worst possible light and it seems like there's nothing to look forward to and everything is crappy. I won't go into the details because I'm pretty sure everything is in reality, fine.
Today being the Friday before St. Patrick's Day, the office is emptying out fast. I'm gonna take off after my 1:30 meeting and head to the Salvation Army for a little retail therapy. Then I'm gonna come back to the gym at work and work my buns off for a long Friday afternoon workout. Then a stop at the grocery store and home. We miscommunicated the last 2 weeks and I rushed the workout and skipped errands to spend time with Dude. This week I tried to set expectations that we may not see each other tonight at all, cause I wanted to workout and stuff. Now I can take my time and enjoy doing good things for myself.
I don't really want to go, but we may end up seeing the St Patrick's Day parade in my city. Dude's never experienced an American St Paddy's Day, so I feel like I should show him the drunken debauchery and awfullness that happens around here. Or at least the parade. Around here, the day starts with breakfast at a bar, then the rounds of certain places and then the parade at 2 in the afternoon. I haven't seen it here yet, but I've been in other cities and I can imagine what it will be like. I'm not sure whether it will be good or bad to experience it all over again with the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time.
I'm hoping I can make it through today without being too negative or ruining anything good and that I feel better tomorrow. Head down, one foot in front of the other. Don't mess up, don't mess up.
For one day prior to TOM, everything stinks. Everything seems bad. I interpret everything in the worst possible light and it seems like there's nothing to look forward to and everything is crappy. I won't go into the details because I'm pretty sure everything is in reality, fine.
Today being the Friday before St. Patrick's Day, the office is emptying out fast. I'm gonna take off after my 1:30 meeting and head to the Salvation Army for a little retail therapy. Then I'm gonna come back to the gym at work and work my buns off for a long Friday afternoon workout. Then a stop at the grocery store and home. We miscommunicated the last 2 weeks and I rushed the workout and skipped errands to spend time with Dude. This week I tried to set expectations that we may not see each other tonight at all, cause I wanted to workout and stuff. Now I can take my time and enjoy doing good things for myself.
I don't really want to go, but we may end up seeing the St Patrick's Day parade in my city. Dude's never experienced an American St Paddy's Day, so I feel like I should show him the drunken debauchery and awfullness that happens around here. Or at least the parade. Around here, the day starts with breakfast at a bar, then the rounds of certain places and then the parade at 2 in the afternoon. I haven't seen it here yet, but I've been in other cities and I can imagine what it will be like. I'm not sure whether it will be good or bad to experience it all over again with the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time.
I'm hoping I can make it through today without being too negative or ruining anything good and that I feel better tomorrow. Head down, one foot in front of the other. Don't mess up, don't mess up.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday - Food History and Relationship to Food
Back up to 202.0 this morning. Climbing was tough! I was hoping it would be a workout, but I was really only trying to climb for maybe 5-10 minutes the whole evening. I tried 3 things and failed at all 3 (although I did get mostly to the top). I guess it's not unusual though, so I'm not bummed. Not planning to go back soon, though.
Then there was pizza and pie for one of the guys' birthdays. I had a piece of tomato/veggie pizza and a piece of apple pie.
I ran this morning though - a full mile in one go! Twelve minutes, then some walking and 6 minutes, walk more, then 4 minutes running. So I feel pretty good right now.
I'm gonna follow Mir and Nanette into thinking about the psychology that got me fat and my relationship with food. I first got fat in college, then lost 40 pounds right after I graduated and kept most of it off for roughly 10 years. Then I gained almost 100 pounds slowly over 15 years. It's tempting to think that college is what made me fat, but that's not true.
The image that keeps coming to mind is me eating Crisco straight from the can in the afternoons when I was in 5th grade. My parents had recently gotten divorced. My mother moved to a new state and got a job, the first time in my life that she worked. My sister and I were latchkey kids, we babysat ourselves in the afternoons after school. There's also images of me in the bathroom again and again, certain I was going to puke. I wasn't sick. It was anxiety about the abandonment and dislike around me.
It was a tough divorce for me (something I denied for over 20 years). My parents used me to carry nasty messages back and forth. My mother took her stress out on me, so I don't remember ever feeling nurtured or very happy. When I was in college, I finally told my parents to communicate with each other directly and quit using me to do it - that was 10 years of crap that my parents put me through. I'm getting angry all over again thinking about it.
But I was athletic, so didn't get fat until later.
Yes, I used food to nurture myself. I didn't know any other way. I didn't know what a good relationship was like, so I chose bad ones. Then (subconsciously) chose to be alone for a long time. I moved every few years, all over the country and world, preventing any close relationships from forming. It's hard to describe how badly I want to be in a nurturing relationship - something I have never in my entire life had. Deep down inside I still don't believe it's possible, and I'm pretty uncomfortable much of the time right now with this new guy. I don't know how to react when someone treats me well! I still completely expect him to abandon me.
But I'm aware of where the discomfort comes from. I started talking to a therapist about it last fall, including the part where I don't want to get fat again. Since October of last year, I've learned how to nurture myself with meditation and exercise and good food. I don't want to be trite and say that it's going to be a constant struggle for the rest of my life, or that I've beat my issues. It's more complex than that, and it doesn't really have anything to do with food, other than food is how I avoided feeling my feelings.
I have new understanding and new tools that I didn't have before. I hope that's enough to kick the familiar reactions off the old treadmarks and into new tracks I hope that's enough for me to make it different this time!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
E2E Midweek Update
My body is teasing me. My mind, too. I was down to 201.2 on Monday, and ate well, until I had 2 square pieces of pepperoni pizza after fire drill. Up to 202.0 for Tuesday morning. Back down to 201.6 this morning, but it's looking like the next 1.6 pounds is going to be HARD to get off! It's not gonna disappear quickly like the last 5-10 pounds have.
My mind is playing mean tricks on me, reminding me how nice it felt to eat lots of pizza, or a piece of pie, or .. anything. How cool it was to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about where the calories would end up. How carefree it was to NOT enter every bite of food into MFP. I'm inhaling the foods I prepared, not waiting until I'm hungry to eat but eating because I WANT to eat. I've stayed under control, but I'm closer to the line than I was before.
I haven't been planning my exercise as carefully, and with coordinating with Dude, I didn't work out on Saturday or Monday. We talked about jogging together, but the right shoes were never in the right place. Then I ended up doing construction work in my bathroom yesterday instead of working out. I could justify it as an exercise break, which does need to sometimes happen. But it can't be the norm. Tonight, I've got spring break from EMT class, so I'm going to go rock climbing with the girls at an indoor place. Only slightly terrified. Not of the heights, but of being too out of shape and fat compared to the other girls. My knees really suck and I'm 20 years older than they are. Excuses, I know. I'm thrilled to be invited.
I'm a big believer that nothing happens without a reason, so I've been trying to figure out why I feel like a bottomless pit these days. I believe it's because I've gone out to eat restaurant food several times in the last few weeks, something I've probably done less than 10 times in the last 3 Years! Restaurants have been out of my scope for a long time. It feels unfair to look at the freakin' menu and know that 95% of it is just bad, bad, bad. I've also cooked several meals for Dude, so it's not all, "Let's eat out."
Along with this whole new relationship thing and getting used to another person, I gotta get used to making Me time for working out and I gotta get used to making good choices on restaurant menus. Lots of extra work. It's SO not fair!
I was worried that maybe I'm self-sabotaging, since I'm so close to Onederland and my goal. Answer - I don't think so. But I'm aware of the possibility and will keep it in mind.
It's kinda trenches mode right now. Stop focusing on the prize 6 months from now. Put my head down and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Good eating choices and good workout choices day after day will get me there eventually.
My mind is playing mean tricks on me, reminding me how nice it felt to eat lots of pizza, or a piece of pie, or .. anything. How cool it was to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about where the calories would end up. How carefree it was to NOT enter every bite of food into MFP. I'm inhaling the foods I prepared, not waiting until I'm hungry to eat but eating because I WANT to eat. I've stayed under control, but I'm closer to the line than I was before.
I haven't been planning my exercise as carefully, and with coordinating with Dude, I didn't work out on Saturday or Monday. We talked about jogging together, but the right shoes were never in the right place. Then I ended up doing construction work in my bathroom yesterday instead of working out. I could justify it as an exercise break, which does need to sometimes happen. But it can't be the norm. Tonight, I've got spring break from EMT class, so I'm going to go rock climbing with the girls at an indoor place. Only slightly terrified. Not of the heights, but of being too out of shape and fat compared to the other girls. My knees really suck and I'm 20 years older than they are. Excuses, I know. I'm thrilled to be invited.
I'm a big believer that nothing happens without a reason, so I've been trying to figure out why I feel like a bottomless pit these days. I believe it's because I've gone out to eat restaurant food several times in the last few weeks, something I've probably done less than 10 times in the last 3 Years! Restaurants have been out of my scope for a long time. It feels unfair to look at the freakin' menu and know that 95% of it is just bad, bad, bad. I've also cooked several meals for Dude, so it's not all, "Let's eat out."
Along with this whole new relationship thing and getting used to another person, I gotta get used to making Me time for working out and I gotta get used to making good choices on restaurant menus. Lots of extra work. It's SO not fair!
I was worried that maybe I'm self-sabotaging, since I'm so close to Onederland and my goal. Answer - I don't think so. But I'm aware of the possibility and will keep it in mind.
It's kinda trenches mode right now. Stop focusing on the prize 6 months from now. Put my head down and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Good eating choices and good workout choices day after day will get me there eventually.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Monday - Free foods
201.2. Still going down. 0.4 pounds down from yesterday.
I had 3 fried eggs for breakfast. The second IHOP crepe for lunch, and for dinner, the hugest, most wonderful 16-ounce grilled delmonico steak with baked zucchini fries. That was a ton of meat, but according to MFP only 480 calories (for 12 ounces of it because I couldn't eat the whole thing). I worked on the elliptical for 1/2 hour and lifted free weights for another 15-20 minutes.
For the entire 6 months of me taking charge of my health, I've been treating all veggies like they're free foods. I'll put them into MFP to capture the calories and toppings, but don't weigh or measure the veggies. I eat as much as I want of broccoli, salad, onion, green pepper, apples, pears, grapes, etc. These are foods that no matter how much I eat, they won't make me fat.
On Saturday I bought green grapes (to put into chicken salad for this week). I had one. Then 3 more. Then 10 more. I couldn't get enough, they tasted so wonderful! It felt sinful, like I was overindulging, but no matter how many green grapes I eat, I will not get fat on them. So I let myself go and ate until I was satisfied.
In the last few weeks, I realized that the same thing applies to the lunch meat I bring in to work. 2 ounces of turkey is only 70 calories! Most meat, in fact, is pretty low cal stuff, relatively speaking, as long as it doesn't have fatty sauces on it. I weigh the meat to see how much I'm eating, but if I want 4 ounces instead of 2 ounces, I'll eat it! And then log it into MFP. I kept such iron control over my eating for the last 6 months, that these little indulgences feel huge.
I've been limiting myself to 1340 calories per day and have been losing 7-10 pounds per month average, faster than MFP thinks I will. Spending time with Dude has me less focused on every bite I eat, but I'm not afraid that I'll backslide. He's trying to lose weight too! In fact, he's used MFP more than I have in the last week, and has mentioned jogging together (something that I never in my wildest dreams expected to do). I like the idea, and am working on getting comfortable with it - moving out of my comfort zone now!
I had 3 fried eggs for breakfast. The second IHOP crepe for lunch, and for dinner, the hugest, most wonderful 16-ounce grilled delmonico steak with baked zucchini fries. That was a ton of meat, but according to MFP only 480 calories (for 12 ounces of it because I couldn't eat the whole thing). I worked on the elliptical for 1/2 hour and lifted free weights for another 15-20 minutes.
For the entire 6 months of me taking charge of my health, I've been treating all veggies like they're free foods. I'll put them into MFP to capture the calories and toppings, but don't weigh or measure the veggies. I eat as much as I want of broccoli, salad, onion, green pepper, apples, pears, grapes, etc. These are foods that no matter how much I eat, they won't make me fat.
On Saturday I bought green grapes (to put into chicken salad for this week). I had one. Then 3 more. Then 10 more. I couldn't get enough, they tasted so wonderful! It felt sinful, like I was overindulging, but no matter how many green grapes I eat, I will not get fat on them. So I let myself go and ate until I was satisfied.
In the last few weeks, I realized that the same thing applies to the lunch meat I bring in to work. 2 ounces of turkey is only 70 calories! Most meat, in fact, is pretty low cal stuff, relatively speaking, as long as it doesn't have fatty sauces on it. I weigh the meat to see how much I'm eating, but if I want 4 ounces instead of 2 ounces, I'll eat it! And then log it into MFP. I kept such iron control over my eating for the last 6 months, that these little indulgences feel huge.
I've been limiting myself to 1340 calories per day and have been losing 7-10 pounds per month average, faster than MFP thinks I will. Spending time with Dude has me less focused on every bite I eat, but I'm not afraid that I'll backslide. He's trying to lose weight too! In fact, he's used MFP more than I have in the last week, and has mentioned jogging together (something that I never in my wildest dreams expected to do). I like the idea, and am working on getting comfortable with it - moving out of my comfort zone now!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
E2E Update
201.6 this morning, a loss of 1.4 pounds this week.
Waist: 35.5
Hips: 46.5
Thigh: 27.5
I'm really happy with the loss this week. I'd lost so much last week that I thought I'd just maintain this week. Plus, I went out a few times. Thursday happy hour, Friday sushi and Saturday morning IHOP. I got the bacon crepes at IHOP and ate one of the two. The other one is in my fridge (just had it for lunch). Looking up the nutritional information online, it says that the crepes have 1130 calories, which is hard to believe. A stick of butter only has 800 calories, so I don't think one crepe has 3/4 the calories of a stick of butter.
Book: Not this week
Support: YES! I did support at least 3 bloggers, plus my buddy
E2E outfit. I tried it on this week and got the pants zipped
Food: did well, although I didn't track it consistently in MFP. First time I've done that (not track) for more than a day since September.
Exercise: did well this week. Less than some weeks, but still acceptable.
Food: I haven't been thinking about food this week the way I used to. It used to be, "how soon can I eat again," "what am I going to have," "how much can I eat."
Now it's, "my stomach is growling, should I have anything to eat," "do I need protein, intense flavor, sweet or savory?" Then I have some. Not a lot.
I won't claim that I've beaten the emotional eating beast, but this week has been good. I'm paying attention to what it feels like to not be motivated by food. It feels unfamiliar and odd. Next time I get this feeling, I'll know it's OK. I'm not sick. I don't have to jam something into my mouth. Things are good.
I keep on thinking that on Thanksgiving I was 230 pounds and Christmas I was 225. Last summer I was over 265. This week I moved to the right side of the Obese/Overweight line, and I'm going to hit Onederland in a week or two (fingers crossed). It's amazing how different this summer is going to be from last summer!!
I took Dude to show him a good Italian grocery store slash sandwich shop and remembered that I used to have a 12-inch sub from there every week. (And Micky D's breakfast weekly too). I pictured adding a weekly 6-inch sub back into my diet and realized that I'm NOT going to. Italian subs are going to be treats, not regular things. When I add calories back into my diet, I think it's going to be more of what I already eat, like a yogurt or nuts or avocado or more protein more than new foods that I don't eat now. (I've begun to treat plain protein, meat, like it's free food - I can have as much as I want. Except bacon. Bacon is not free. Gotta count those calories. Boo.) This is helping me visualize my future eating life and get used to how it's going to be.
Hope everyone else had a good week!
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Waist: 35.5
Hips: 46.5
Thigh: 27.5
I'm really happy with the loss this week. I'd lost so much last week that I thought I'd just maintain this week. Plus, I went out a few times. Thursday happy hour, Friday sushi and Saturday morning IHOP. I got the bacon crepes at IHOP and ate one of the two. The other one is in my fridge (just had it for lunch). Looking up the nutritional information online, it says that the crepes have 1130 calories, which is hard to believe. A stick of butter only has 800 calories, so I don't think one crepe has 3/4 the calories of a stick of butter.
Book: Not this week
Support: YES! I did support at least 3 bloggers, plus my buddy
E2E outfit. I tried it on this week and got the pants zipped
Food: did well, although I didn't track it consistently in MFP. First time I've done that (not track) for more than a day since September.
Exercise: did well this week. Less than some weeks, but still acceptable.
Food: I haven't been thinking about food this week the way I used to. It used to be, "how soon can I eat again," "what am I going to have," "how much can I eat."
Now it's, "my stomach is growling, should I have anything to eat," "do I need protein, intense flavor, sweet or savory?" Then I have some. Not a lot.
I won't claim that I've beaten the emotional eating beast, but this week has been good. I'm paying attention to what it feels like to not be motivated by food. It feels unfamiliar and odd. Next time I get this feeling, I'll know it's OK. I'm not sick. I don't have to jam something into my mouth. Things are good.
I keep on thinking that on Thanksgiving I was 230 pounds and Christmas I was 225. Last summer I was over 265. This week I moved to the right side of the Obese/Overweight line, and I'm going to hit Onederland in a week or two (fingers crossed). It's amazing how different this summer is going to be from last summer!!
I took Dude to show him a good Italian grocery store slash sandwich shop and remembered that I used to have a 12-inch sub from there every week. (And Micky D's breakfast weekly too). I pictured adding a weekly 6-inch sub back into my diet and realized that I'm NOT going to. Italian subs are going to be treats, not regular things. When I add calories back into my diet, I think it's going to be more of what I already eat, like a yogurt or nuts or avocado or more protein more than new foods that I don't eat now. (I've begun to treat plain protein, meat, like it's free food - I can have as much as I want. Except bacon. Bacon is not free. Gotta count those calories. Boo.) This is helping me visualize my future eating life and get used to how it's going to be.
Hope everyone else had a good week!
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Hello Obese
204.2 this morning - up 1.5+ from yesterday.
I went out with the girls last night and had TWO coconut martinis (OMFG they were good!), some fries and a philly steak and cheese sandwich. It was a fancy-type sandwich and I mostly picked the insides out and left the bread, but the fries were heavenly. I bet they used real lard, those things were so good.
I'm not gonna call yesterday "off track" because my life is going to have days like that. It wasn't BAD. I wasn't BAD. It was good and I enjoyed the heck out of it. It is however, going to be rare to eat like that, and I'm back to my normal foods today.
I read an article from Health magazine in the dentist waiting room. They interviewed Jillian Michaels. One thing she said - "Lazy doesn't exist." If you lose control and eat the wrong things too often, that's a sign that something else is going on like depression or low self esteem. That rings true for me! She also said that losing weight doesn't change your life all by itself, but you hold yourself more confidently and people react differently, so it seems like everything changes. That's true for me too!
On an impulse this morning, I finally got up the guts to go to the Brigade Chief and ask again to be in the brigade. (A month or two ago, I wrote about being scared to do this, since I was turned down last year.) Amazing what losing 75 pounds can do! Today the answer was YES!!
Two people so far today have stopped me and said, Wow you look great! You're so thin!
I'm sitting here drinking Indonesian Chai tea that Dude gave me. When he gave it to me, he said that I could drink it and think of him - and that's exactly what happened! Also thinking of him, because even though we have plans to get together tonight, he texted that he's going to land around 12:30, did I want to have lunch with him? (I can't b/c of a meeting) Still - is this cool, or what?
So, I don't really mind that I'm Obese again. Maybe I'll wobble back and forth over the line a few more times before I finally leave it behind for only Overweight and eventually Normal. The big payoff, me being more confident, is already happening. And that's changing everything.
I went out with the girls last night and had TWO coconut martinis (OMFG they were good!), some fries and a philly steak and cheese sandwich. It was a fancy-type sandwich and I mostly picked the insides out and left the bread, but the fries were heavenly. I bet they used real lard, those things were so good.
I'm not gonna call yesterday "off track" because my life is going to have days like that. It wasn't BAD. I wasn't BAD. It was good and I enjoyed the heck out of it. It is however, going to be rare to eat like that, and I'm back to my normal foods today.
I read an article from Health magazine in the dentist waiting room. They interviewed Jillian Michaels. One thing she said - "Lazy doesn't exist." If you lose control and eat the wrong things too often, that's a sign that something else is going on like depression or low self esteem. That rings true for me! She also said that losing weight doesn't change your life all by itself, but you hold yourself more confidently and people react differently, so it seems like everything changes. That's true for me too!
On an impulse this morning, I finally got up the guts to go to the Brigade Chief and ask again to be in the brigade. (A month or two ago, I wrote about being scared to do this, since I was turned down last year.) Amazing what losing 75 pounds can do! Today the answer was YES!!
Two people so far today have stopped me and said, Wow you look great! You're so thin!
I'm sitting here drinking Indonesian Chai tea that Dude gave me. When he gave it to me, he said that I could drink it and think of him - and that's exactly what happened! Also thinking of him, because even though we have plans to get together tonight, he texted that he's going to land around 12:30, did I want to have lunch with him? (I can't b/c of a meeting) Still - is this cool, or what?
So, I don't really mind that I'm Obese again. Maybe I'll wobble back and forth over the line a few more times before I finally leave it behind for only Overweight and eventually Normal. The big payoff, me being more confident, is already happening. And that's changing everything.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
E2E Midweek Update
Busy at work today (hallelujah!). Busy means I don't have much time to read blogs or write posts, so this will be short.
202.6 today, up a titch from yesterday.
Today is a major eating day - celebratory lunch (because our ISO 9000 audit went well) where I had a salad and a small sized bowl of pasta fagiol. This evening is happy hour with the girls. I wore tight pants so I don't forget about taking care of myself in a way that allows me to continue getting smaller.
I tried on a new-to-me sweater and pants that I got at the Salvation Army a month ago when they were too tight to comfortably wear. Today, they look great!
It's springtime temperatures and I'm wearing attractive clothes, so I feel pretty good. It's amazing what a padded bra can do!
I've been thinking about trust after I went on match.com yesterday and saw that Dude had been on recently. It bothered me a lot until I remembered how much work he's done to make me happy, how many thoughtful things he's done and said and how comfortable and ... good he's made me feel. I'm gonna go with that stuff and ignore match.com. I'm gonna take some time this weekend to write about how different this dude is from my normal, and how different I am from the usual bundle of uncertainty and mistrust that I've been in the past.
Peace, y'all!
202.6 today, up a titch from yesterday.
Today is a major eating day - celebratory lunch (because our ISO 9000 audit went well) where I had a salad and a small sized bowl of pasta fagiol. This evening is happy hour with the girls. I wore tight pants so I don't forget about taking care of myself in a way that allows me to continue getting smaller.
I tried on a new-to-me sweater and pants that I got at the Salvation Army a month ago when they were too tight to comfortably wear. Today, they look great!
I've been thinking about trust after I went on match.com yesterday and saw that Dude had been on recently. It bothered me a lot until I remembered how much work he's done to make me happy, how many thoughtful things he's done and said and how comfortable and ... good he's made me feel. I'm gonna go with that stuff and ignore match.com. I'm gonna take some time this weekend to write about how different this dude is from my normal, and how different I am from the usual bundle of uncertainty and mistrust that I've been in the past.
Peace, y'all!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Wednesday - Major NSV
202.2 this morning, down 0.8 from yesterday.
I ate a bunch of crap yesterday - small amounts of it. A few girl scout cookies (4), a small bag of Panera potato chips, a rice krispy treat. I guess that's all the crap I ate. Other than that, all I had yesterday was my eggy breakfast, some beef stew and 8 ounces of hard cider. It felt like an eating to live day. I wasn't head hungry at all. Just motivated by body hunger occasionally. All of those foods are on my OK to occasionally have list, so life is good.
I just checked my BMI and taa - daah! I'm not obese any more!! I think I passed this number going up 10 years ago.
In other news, I just had to take a picture of the blood vessels in the back of my hand. I haven't seen those puppies in 10 years either, they've been covered up by fat. I honestly sit and look at the back of my hands sometimes, just admiring them. (They don't look as big and blue in real life as they do here!)
It's funny how frustrated I was 2 weeks ago, and suddenly things seemed to fall right into place. Dude came over to see me last night before my monthly firehouse meeting. He was willing to go out of his way to see me, just for an hour together that didn't include sex. It was his idea. I have never in my life known a man like that! I'm going to happy hour with the girls tomorrow. Indoor rock climbing with the girls next week, and the summer golf group is starting to come to life. Everything that bugged me about my life is different now, only a few weeks later. Shhh. I don't want to jinx it!
Edit: Maybe I did just jinx it! Even though I took down my profile a week ago, I got back on and checked HIS profile, which says he's been on match.com in the last 24 hours. All I just did is make myself feel bad, because he doesn't have time to meet anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! For those of you who met your dudes online (Eaba for one), when and how to have the conversation about taking down profiles??
Edit #2: In the hours since I wrote the above, all my senses and intuition have told me that I trust this guy. It's too early to have THE conversation, but it's OK because I feel OK about it.
Edit: Maybe I did just jinx it! Even though I took down my profile a week ago, I got back on and checked HIS profile, which says he's been on match.com in the last 24 hours. All I just did is make myself feel bad, because he doesn't have time to meet anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! For those of you who met your dudes online (Eaba for one), when and how to have the conversation about taking down profiles??
Edit #2: In the hours since I wrote the above, all my senses and intuition have told me that I trust this guy. It's too early to have THE conversation, but it's OK because I feel OK about it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tuesday
203.0 this morning. Basically no change since Saturday, which is fine.
I was thinking yesterday about how close I am to my probable end point. The lowest weight I've successfully maintained for any period of time is 185. Even though I plan to continue losing to get to 169 (no longer overweight!), I don't really expect to be able to maintain at that level. When I started last fall, I was losing 10 pounds a month. It's slowed to about 7 pounds a month (because I'm not willing to go below 1340 calories per day target). It will probably slow even more as I get closer to normal weight. It could be 3 months to get to 185, and 5+ months to get to 170. As long as my body is strong and healthy, I'll probably transition to more maintaining over the summer whatever my weight is.
I wrote last fall about how I couldn't envision getting to goal, so I was only going to focus on the next 10 pounds. It's hard to describe how excited I am to be so close to my actual goal. I spent SO many years being unsatisfied with myself that it's a HUGE weight off to let that dissatisfaction go. I can't remember the last time I thought about my life and didn't want to change anything.
I tried on my challenge pants last night and got them zipped!
I was thinking yesterday about how close I am to my probable end point. The lowest weight I've successfully maintained for any period of time is 185. Even though I plan to continue losing to get to 169 (no longer overweight!), I don't really expect to be able to maintain at that level. When I started last fall, I was losing 10 pounds a month. It's slowed to about 7 pounds a month (because I'm not willing to go below 1340 calories per day target). It will probably slow even more as I get closer to normal weight. It could be 3 months to get to 185, and 5+ months to get to 170. As long as my body is strong and healthy, I'll probably transition to more maintaining over the summer whatever my weight is.
I wrote last fall about how I couldn't envision getting to goal, so I was only going to focus on the next 10 pounds. It's hard to describe how excited I am to be so close to my actual goal. I spent SO many years being unsatisfied with myself that it's a HUGE weight off to let that dissatisfaction go. I can't remember the last time I thought about my life and didn't want to change anything.
I tried on my challenge pants last night and got them zipped!
There's an extreme muffin top going on and I couldn't even bend my legs - but it's progress! I couldn't even get these things up my legs before this challenge started!! Levis are like iron. These things could turn into my long-term fit pants (ie, the ones that tell me whether I've gained), depending on how they fit when I get closer to my goal. I'm kinda beginning to like my butt!
Good runn-y workout this morning. 10 minutes at 5mph, then 6 min and 5 min for 21 minutes total running. Yesterday was a weight workout, my arms are feeling' it today. Yes, I feel good about how things are going!
I put on a pair of 16Ws for work this morning and noticed that they're too big, along with most of my sweaters. I think I'm going to give myself a shopping trip to the Salvation Army - give them back the size 16s, 3 pairs of too-big jeans and sweaters and shop for size 14 pants! I'll let myself spend up to $20. That's my non-food reward for staying on track lately!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
E2E Update
203.0 this morning. I lost 3.8 pounds this week to my total amazement. I can't identify anything that I did differently this week from any other week in the last 6 months except, um, the horizontal bop. I did change up the food a bit, but not much.
My official goal was to hit Onederland by the end of the E2E challenge. Unofficial goal was to hit it by April 1st. It's looking like that's going to happen, maybe even early. (hope I didn't just jinx it!)
Waist: 35, start=36
Hips: 47, start=47-1/2
Thigh: 27, start=28 (this must be where the 3 pounds came from)
I kinda let go of everything that wasn't essential this week. I managed decent food and reasonable exercise, but nothing else. Started dating an interesting German guy (from near Hanover), had a crisis of self-confidence on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and on Saturday went to a meditation retreat where I figured some of it out but cried a lot in the process.
Book: No
Support: Fail
I've kinda spent all weekend with this dude, with the exception of the retreat on Saturday. This morning he said, "what's the plan for today?," and I really didn't have one because I didn't expect him to want to hang with me all day. So we took my dog on a hike on snowy trails. It was quite the workout, and just the kind of thing I love to do.
One thing the meditation retreat reminded me of, is that this may be my future happening, but it will happen one hike at a time. One dinner after another. I can let go of my angst about where this is going and enjoy the present moment of it. Theoretically. Actually, I'm kinda hit or miss on that one, but working on it.
My official goal was to hit Onederland by the end of the E2E challenge. Unofficial goal was to hit it by April 1st. It's looking like that's going to happen, maybe even early. (hope I didn't just jinx it!)
Waist: 35, start=36
Hips: 47, start=47-1/2
Thigh: 27, start=28 (this must be where the 3 pounds came from)
I kinda let go of everything that wasn't essential this week. I managed decent food and reasonable exercise, but nothing else. Started dating an interesting German guy (from near Hanover), had a crisis of self-confidence on Thurs, Fri, Sat, and on Saturday went to a meditation retreat where I figured some of it out but cried a lot in the process.
Book: No
Support: Fail
I've kinda spent all weekend with this dude, with the exception of the retreat on Saturday. This morning he said, "what's the plan for today?," and I really didn't have one because I didn't expect him to want to hang with me all day. So we took my dog on a hike on snowy trails. It was quite the workout, and just the kind of thing I love to do.
One thing the meditation retreat reminded me of, is that this may be my future happening, but it will happen one hike at a time. One dinner after another. I can let go of my angst about where this is going and enjoy the present moment of it. Theoretically. Actually, I'm kinda hit or miss on that one, but working on it.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Saturday
Quick update before I head to the meditation retreat.
203.2 this morning. I held on to yesterday's gains (or losses actually). So far I've lost 3.6 this week. A little hard to believe, since I didn't do much different from past weeks - but I'll take it.
My fears of abandonment turned out to be unfounded (so far). We got together last night and have plans for tonight - all night. I'm going to meditate on my feelings though. They are a part of me and not something I can push down or try to ignore any more. I'm going to view this as a gift - a chance to be part of this meditation retreat at the same time that I'm feeling things that make me afraid.
More detail tomorrow for the E2E update. Peace y'all!
Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones.
203.2 this morning. I held on to yesterday's gains (or losses actually). So far I've lost 3.6 this week. A little hard to believe, since I didn't do much different from past weeks - but I'll take it.
My fears of abandonment turned out to be unfounded (so far). We got together last night and have plans for tonight - all night. I'm going to meditate on my feelings though. They are a part of me and not something I can push down or try to ignore any more. I'm going to view this as a gift - a chance to be part of this meditation retreat at the same time that I'm feeling things that make me afraid.
More detail tomorrow for the E2E update. Peace y'all!
Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
E2E Midweek Update - Consistency - and bad feelings
203.4 this morning. 3.6 pounds lower than Tuesday. I changed stuff up yesterday with a little IF and my body responded well. It's not likely a real loss, but it shows I'm going in the right direction. Onederland, here I come!
I thrive on consistency. I eat the same thing at the same time every morning (3 scrambled eggs with 1.5 ounces meat and veggies). I usually eat the same lunch (mixed greens salad with feta cheese and Ken's lite salad dressing). I rotate through the same set of workouts. Dinner has a little variety, but not much - one meat + one veggie. Sometimes a beer or hard cider. I'm on autopilot with the meals, which helps me focus on other things in my life.
I've read many times that for weight loss, surprising the body is a good thing. I still don't usually do it. Yesterday though, I had meetings in a different building all morning, and wasn't able to eat breakfast at 10 like I usually do. So I ate breakfast at lunchtime. Then I wasn't really hungry so I set aside all my snacks and had dinner at my normal dinner time. I skipped exercise yesterday. I was at 1000 calories, so they weren't too much lower than usual, but maybe the timing was the thing that made the difference.
Also, without really focusing on it, I think I've been eating low carb. I've been below 100gm all week and yesterday was 26. I'll bet I'm in ketosis, or something that's making me lose fast right now. Hopefully.
This week has been mixed. Good from an eating and exercise point of view. Bad from a support point of view. I'm reading, but not taking the time to comment on blogs. Mixed overall.
I'm struggling with something that's been a problem for me my entire adult life. As soon as I start to like someone, I start to expect them to abandon me. (yeah, because it happened when I was younger.) It's colored SO many of my choices, and probably directly impacted the fact that I'm alone now, because I've unconsciously chosen people who will do the same thing over again. Even though it sucks, it's what I know. On top of the diet issue, I've been working on loving myself for several months now, with the mindfullness meditation and the therapist, but the way I've been feeling for the last day or so show me that I've got a lot of work in front of me. Logically I know how great I am, but if I don't get what I feel is enough props, I start to feel unlovable, feel needy and expect them to abandon me. Totally sucky feeling. Logically, I know the props come from inside myself, not another person - but that's one of the parts I need to work on.
Anyway, new dude is a VP and a really busy person, traveling a lot, going on sales calls, unpredictable schedule, all that. AND, we haven't even known each other a week. AND, he's German and I don't really understand his culture. He made an effort to call and email for the first half of the week, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday. Can you guess all the old feelings have come back? Even though he wrote Monday and Tuesday about wanting to get together this weekend, I completely expect him to change his mind and I'm on pins and needles waiting for the blow. Yeah, I feel shitty.
I sent him an email 2 hours ago to see how his weekend looks, and if he's still thinking to do something together, and asked if he's interested in live music. If so, I'd start looking at who's playing out. I wanted to give him space to let me know if he's changed his mind, but really I want him to let me know he's still interested. No response yet. He doesn't check personal email very often, so no quick response doesn't really mean anything. Tell my heart that!! The same heart that's letting someone else make her feel shitty. Yeah, I get that that's wrong, but still, it's how I feel. Must meditate, or work out, or both. I can't let myself feel like this all day.
My quote is really relevant now: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Update, late afternoon: I did the weekly yoga workout with the group, but failed to relax. Then tried to do the C25K week 5 run 3, which is 20 minutes straight, but stopped after 7 minutes. Then I called my therapist and made an early appointment for Tuesday and we talked briefly. Then I did a 20-minute guided meditation which helped a little. But I was still tense and jittery. Finally - I got a response email from dude while he was sitting at the Kansas City airport, returning a day early. "Yes. Live music for Saturday sounds great!" plus a little more. OK. No abandonment today.
I'm pretty afraid of how my hard-won self-confidence evaporated so quickly. I've got mindfullness workshop tonight, an all-day meditation retreat Saturday to work on finding the pool of self-love inside me. And I have an appointment with the therapist Tuesday to work on putting the abandonment fear into the past, where it belongs. I think that's about all I can do right now to take care of myself!
I thrive on consistency. I eat the same thing at the same time every morning (3 scrambled eggs with 1.5 ounces meat and veggies). I usually eat the same lunch (mixed greens salad with feta cheese and Ken's lite salad dressing). I rotate through the same set of workouts. Dinner has a little variety, but not much - one meat + one veggie. Sometimes a beer or hard cider. I'm on autopilot with the meals, which helps me focus on other things in my life.
I've read many times that for weight loss, surprising the body is a good thing. I still don't usually do it. Yesterday though, I had meetings in a different building all morning, and wasn't able to eat breakfast at 10 like I usually do. So I ate breakfast at lunchtime. Then I wasn't really hungry so I set aside all my snacks and had dinner at my normal dinner time. I skipped exercise yesterday. I was at 1000 calories, so they weren't too much lower than usual, but maybe the timing was the thing that made the difference.
Also, without really focusing on it, I think I've been eating low carb. I've been below 100gm all week and yesterday was 26. I'll bet I'm in ketosis, or something that's making me lose fast right now. Hopefully.
This week has been mixed. Good from an eating and exercise point of view. Bad from a support point of view. I'm reading, but not taking the time to comment on blogs. Mixed overall.
I'm struggling with something that's been a problem for me my entire adult life. As soon as I start to like someone, I start to expect them to abandon me. (yeah, because it happened when I was younger.) It's colored SO many of my choices, and probably directly impacted the fact that I'm alone now, because I've unconsciously chosen people who will do the same thing over again. Even though it sucks, it's what I know. On top of the diet issue, I've been working on loving myself for several months now, with the mindfullness meditation and the therapist, but the way I've been feeling for the last day or so show me that I've got a lot of work in front of me. Logically I know how great I am, but if I don't get what I feel is enough props, I start to feel unlovable, feel needy and expect them to abandon me. Totally sucky feeling. Logically, I know the props come from inside myself, not another person - but that's one of the parts I need to work on.
Anyway, new dude is a VP and a really busy person, traveling a lot, going on sales calls, unpredictable schedule, all that. AND, we haven't even known each other a week. AND, he's German and I don't really understand his culture. He made an effort to call and email for the first half of the week, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday. Can you guess all the old feelings have come back? Even though he wrote Monday and Tuesday about wanting to get together this weekend, I completely expect him to change his mind and I'm on pins and needles waiting for the blow. Yeah, I feel shitty.
I sent him an email 2 hours ago to see how his weekend looks, and if he's still thinking to do something together, and asked if he's interested in live music. If so, I'd start looking at who's playing out. I wanted to give him space to let me know if he's changed his mind, but really I want him to let me know he's still interested. No response yet. He doesn't check personal email very often, so no quick response doesn't really mean anything. Tell my heart that!! The same heart that's letting someone else make her feel shitty. Yeah, I get that that's wrong, but still, it's how I feel. Must meditate, or work out, or both. I can't let myself feel like this all day.
My quote is really relevant now: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Update, late afternoon: I did the weekly yoga workout with the group, but failed to relax. Then tried to do the C25K week 5 run 3, which is 20 minutes straight, but stopped after 7 minutes. Then I called my therapist and made an early appointment for Tuesday and we talked briefly. Then I did a 20-minute guided meditation which helped a little. But I was still tense and jittery. Finally - I got a response email from dude while he was sitting at the Kansas City airport, returning a day early. "Yes. Live music for Saturday sounds great!" plus a little more. OK. No abandonment today.
I'm pretty afraid of how my hard-won self-confidence evaporated so quickly. I've got mindfullness workshop tonight, an all-day meditation retreat Saturday to work on finding the pool of self-love inside me. And I have an appointment with the therapist Tuesday to work on putting the abandonment fear into the past, where it belongs. I think that's about all I can do right now to take care of myself!
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