Thursday Update

On Weds, I ate 1955 calories.  I was doing OK until I got home and had a beer sitting on the back porch.  I liked it so much that I had another one.  I wasn't really planning on having dinner, saving the crabcakes to have on salad for lunch today.  But we had a call that was a car into the Walmart building.  Got to the station and we were held there, so I got back home in about 20 minutes.  When I came back from the call, I warmed up the crabcakes and added broccoli with butter.

I would up the protein a little, which would hopefully eat into the carb or fat calories some. 

Even though 1955 calories is above my goal, it's below what FitDay says is my daily burn rate, so I still felt OK.  Then I got on the scale and am up 0.4 lbs from yesterday, to 262.2.  Not too worried about it.  I think my stress level has more impact on my daily weight than anything else, so I want to keep calories under control, but focus on managing tension. Which reminds me to check on that meditation class to see if there's a new class starting any time soon.

Meals yesterday:
3 eggs and 3 pieces of bacon cooked at home and brought into work, eaten at 8:30
handful of spicy almonds mid morning
mesclun salad with feta cheese, salmon and sunflower seeds for lunch
blackberry/pineapple/kiwi juice shake mid afternoon, recipe below
2 beers after work
3 crabcakes with mayo/horseradish
1.5 cups broccoli with butter

Juice recipe:
1/4 pineapple
1 cup blackberries
1 kiwi fruit
1 pear
1/4 cup coconut water
15-20 mint leaves

The juice was just OK.  It would probably have been better if I'd drunk it sooner after making it.  It tasted a little bland, whereas when I made it last week, it was really good.  It was extremely filling!  I drank it around 2 or 3 and still wasn't hungry at 7. (More of an argument to not have had as much dinner that I had.)

Mood:
I was feeling like I wanted to touch base with fire guys. After spending all weekend with them at the picnic Saturday and on standby Sunday, it felt weird to not see them at all.  Got to the station and Doug and chief were there.  I hung out for about an hour before going home.  Filled out the physical form and the building survey, and discussed some of my thoughts with them.  I don't know how that makes me feel, whether I feel more a part of the tribe, or more uncomfortable. I view myself as being essentially the same as them (except for being new and a woman), but I wonder if they view me as being mom-like.  Ugh. 

I'm still tense because the property manager hasn't rented the 3rd floor, and this is the 2nd month it's been empty and money is going to be tight. I'm angry because he acts like the building is in a bad area, and feeling tense because I'm not sure if I should replace him, or just wait until he rents it.  I certainly don't trust him any more, after the lies he told me about all the "work" he's done.  He recommended that I drop the rent to $550 which is $125 lower than it was - and it was rented when he got it!   It seems like he should be able to rent it at the higher rate, like the previous guy did.  $125 a month loss adds up to $1500 in a year.  Multiple months of income, lost.  If I replace him, I run the risk of having it be empty for even more months, and I can't afford that.  Feeling like I should just let this whole issue go and turn it over, because the only thing I'm accomplishing by worrying about it is getting myself worried.  Fully expecting the 2nd floor tenant to leave too, meaning that the entire house turned over in 3 months, losing 1-2 months income for each unit, which really hurts.

Exercise:
None. I went up and down the stairs at the office once, and thought about taking Maggie for a walk when I got home.  But then I didn't do that, and thought about stretching in front of the TV, which I also didn't do.  I vaguely thought I'd put it off until this morning, which is silly.  I've never successfully worked out in the morning.  Today, I'm definitely going to take Maggie for a walk and go up and down the stairs at work 3 times.  Starting now.

Calories

I'm not going to sweat them, but I can't ignore them either.

FitDay says I burn 2291 calories per day, so can eat 1554 calories per day to get down to 230 by the end of the year. (That would be a loss of 31 pounds.) 

Ya know, I really can't focus on that too much because then calories will be the most important thing in my life, and I'll get frustrated if I'm not losing.  But I will continue to use FitDay, because my trend has been to pretend that I'm eating less than I'm actually eating. Like ignoring the Light Cream that I put in my tea, or the handful of nuts I eat midmorning.

In fact, I'm NOT going to go all out this week to exercise or make a "new diet" a big thing.  That contributes to the burnout.  I'm going to do the same stuff I've been doing.  The only thing that's different now, is that I'm going to write about it. 

• I've been really good the past few months about making a big salad for lunch, mesclun, feta cheese, some meat, maybe mandarin orange slices. 
• I've been getting better about making myself a breakfast and bringing it into work with me and then waiting until I'm hungry to eat it, or at least until 9 or 10. 
• I've been drinking alot of water (in the form of black tea), 24 ounces in the morning, and then 36 ounces at work.
• I've been getting a decent amount of sleep.
• I've tried juicing a few meals, and find it filling enough, and like the taste.
• I've gotten better about not having any forbidden foods.  Whatever I want, it's OK to have.  I tried baked potato with bacon crumbles, cheese and sour cream after maybe 5 years of thinking they were verboten.  Wow, was it good!  It was very satisfying. Also had an ice cream sundae after 10 years of abstinence. Normal people eat less after a heavy meal, because they're satisfied - I can learn to do that.

What I'm going to try and get better at:

• Exercising consistently
• Being mindful and less tense
• Choosing the middle road, not always busy with people, but not always alone

Start

Hey -
Here I am starting a new blog to keep myself accountable for getting healthier.  I've been posting at my other blog for a few years now, but I want to keep this one separate, and private.  Why?  People who read my other blog, like friends and family, have seen me start and fail so many times, that I want to show myself that I can be consistent and successful before I advertise.  But rightly, one of the most important factors for success is to PUBLICLY hold myself accountable.  Hence, a new blog. Other folks who are like me (ie fat) are welcome to read this one.  I will have to figure out how to have this be accessible. For now - I need to just start it, and figure stuff out as I go.  But go, I must.

I'm 261 pounds now, was 275 last summer.  Why do I want to lose weight? What is the trigger that says now is the time, while all those other times weren't quite THE time?  There are two main factors. 

First, I'm not going to see 44 again, or any of the other years before that.  I'm close to the end of my 45th year, and have a sedentary job.  My knees freeze up after hours of sitting and I have trouble standing and walking.  That stuff isn't going to get better all by itself.  My vision of myself in 10 years unable to walk because I didn't take care of myself is terrifying.

Second, I joined the volunteer fire department to have something challenging to do, and to find my tribe (and to give back and grow roots in my community).  Being single informs everything that I do.  I am looking for a partner, but in looking back on my life, I realize that my happiest times are those times when I had close friends.  I need me some of those.  I need a tribe.  Tribe is more important than partner.

So I'm in the fire department, doing challenging, fire department-y things - realizing that all those years that I pooh-poohed  when people would talk about being fat and out of shape (like one automatically meant the other), I was wrong.  I can't simply climb up the apparatus in my turnout gear and get something from the top without trouble.  Hell, my leg isn't even strong enough to raise itself to the step.  I have to pick my own leg up to get onto the truck, and then haul myself up with my arms.  I have trouble carrying the generator, the Scott air packs, etc, etc.  My plantar fasciitis means that every time I spend a few hours standing with the air pack on, I spend DAYS afterward limping (and pretending to the guys that there's no problem).  It's bad enough that I'm a weak woman, but I'm a weak, out-of-shape woman, trying to play in the same space as young, strong men. 

For the last six months or so, I thought that it didn't matter and I'd contribute to the department anyway - but now I think that there's nothing stopping me from being a real contributor, except my weight.  My health is good.  I'm just carrying around 80 extra pounds all the time. No wonder I'm having trouble.  Further, I've been giving myself the easy way out, not consistently stretching, or taking my dog for walks, or moving more. (I want to use this blog to explore why, even though I thoroughly  know how to lose weight, why I choose to stay fat.)

I've been reading doctors' and research blogs for the last year, looking for the magic formula.  It's heartening to see that there is so much disagreement among really smart people about what causes obesity, because it means that multiple things will work.  I don't HAVE to go low fat, or go high fat/low carb, or go low glycemic index.  I've tried all that stuff and end up feeling deprived and feeling like my diet rules my life.  I don't want to say what my formula (my dieting ideology)  is going to be, because it may change.  It's going to be whatever works.  And not works just to lose weight, because my primary goal is to get healthier, whatever weight that is. I want to be the 65-70 year old that is spry and full of vitality.

These days I've been focusing on waiting until I'm hungry to eat, and eating foods that satisfy me.  I've been following the food reward series of Stephan Guyanet and other blogs in the paleo realm, and think I've come to a definition of highly rewarding food that works for me.  Highly rewarding food is food that doesn't satisfy me - I want to eat more of it.  So, my plan is to stay away from those foods (popcorn and pasta are two), but otherwise eat whatever I want.

Further, I've gone through my Seth Roberts phase and my "keep fasting insulin measured by blood sugar low" phase, and a bunch of other phases.  Most didn't work.  Some worked for a while, and then didn't.  I think now that I just need to do the simple stuff. 

Keep my calorie intake below 1500. 
Monitor my calorie intake. 
Exercise more.  
Work on self esteem.

That's why I like the challenge concept and hope to be part of the Christmas Dress Challenge (and will do it anyway, even if not formally in it).  It will take what I've been doing in my head for years and move it into the real world.  And that us WAAY overdue.