194.6 this morning. I was down to 194 yesterday, but ate semi-normally yesterday. I lost a month's worth of weight in a week, so I'll either stay here for several weeks, or gain a few pounds back before continuing downward. Probably both. Le sigh.
Overall I'm really pleased with the progress though. In September when I was around 260, I couldn't imagine weighing less than 200. I had to make goals in 10-pound increments so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I felt righteous about being a fat person, but didn't love myself, so I wasn't srprised when other people didn't love me either. I think I didn't like myself first, then got fat to make the outside match the inside.
Now that I'm thinner, I'm shocked when people react to me differently. But I'm also more confident than I was before, which feeds into people reacting differently to me. I remember the powerless feeling of eating too much. Feeling like I couldn't control myself, but wanting food to make myself feel better.
I want to take that feeling and put it in a box and keep it always in my life.
I don't want to push that feeling away because it's part of me. That scared, vulnerable girl who is taking care of herself the only way she knew how is ... ME.
I want to take that person and hold her close and say, "It's OK. You are loved."
I've lost weight a few times before. Actually kept it off for years after the first time in my 20s. This time, I think long-term success is going to hinge completely on me feeling my feelings and letting them go rather than being overwhelmed by them. I developed a (shaky) mindfullness practice where I learned that when feelings, even uncomfortable ones knock on my door, I should throw the door wide, hold my arms open and say, "Welcome!" "Come here and rest inside me, for you are part of me and deserve love like all the parts of myself." It reminds me of a Dixie Chicks' song, Hello Mr Heartbreak, I've Been Expecting You.
When I apply love to all the parts of myself, including the bad and uncomfortable feelings, they weaken and lose power. Am I good at this? Not particularly. It still makes me cry a lot. But they feel like the tears I didn't cry when I was 12. Soon I'll get to the tears I didn't cry when I was 14, 15, 16 and eventually I'll get to my 30s and 40s, and then I'll be caught up.
I'm sure things aren't going to be perfect and I'm sure I'll fail a bunch. But I've got some more tools than I had before. Tools to help me succeed more than I fail. Tools to help me react differently than the last 10 years. Tools to make the outcome different this time. That's the plan anyway!
This rang so true with me. I entirely understand the idea of wanting my outsides to match my insides, and I think that stays with us as we lose weight. I hated myself, I hated my body - now I take care of myself and want to be healthy, and the self-love is all part of that too. I cry a lot, too, but you're totally right - a lot of it is making up for lost time, things we pretended didn't hurt, but that get uncovered with weight loss. ♥ You're doing brilliantly, keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're over the bad fish, but hope you lost just enough to never see 200 again. You have done so well over the past few months, physically and mentally. Your posts make me think, and are so applicable to most of us.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to learn to use mindfulness too. I have a book about it that I have misplaced and am trying to find. I can use it basically but haven't made it through the whole book yet to know everything. It does help me though when I feel anxious or overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great with your weight loss. Hang in there. :)
I think we learn a lot of stuff that helps us when we're older. I've never stuck to any eating plan, not with WW or dietitians when I was in my 20s or 30's or 40's...for more than, at most, a couple months. I always relapsed adn regained. I've been losing or mostly maintaining (small regains, losses) since June of 2010, and it feels fundamentally different to me. How I view food and my relationship to it. I accepted my weaknesses, I experimented, I made priorities, I found my path, where I'm still learning and growing. But I have some confidence now about approaching food that had eluded me in 30+ years.
ReplyDeleteSo, my hope and faith is in keeping it off. Not ever being SKINNY or uberfit, but moderately fit and keeping it off.
I believe you may be at that place,t oo. Something has changed. Something has grown. Somethign has been learned. And you know what to do to proceed in a better way.
Yep...