Last night I was the person looking lustfully at the bar of chocolate and asking, "Is anyone going to finish that?" "Anyone else having a second glass of wine?"
At lunch yesterday, a group of us went out to an Italian restaurant and I ordered my favorite, pasta fagiol - with a big slice of garlic bread. And then I ate the whole thing. Even though I haven't had that much food in one sitting in 9 months, and it was physically painful to eat that much food.
Later in the afternoon, shopping at Target, I fell victim to a bag of popcorn and a rice krispy treat. A small part of my mind said, "Yo, Jordan - you don't really want that," so I at least waited until I got home before diving in. And managed to throw away most of the popcorn and half of the rice krispy treat.
I could say that it's a slip and promise myself to get back on the wagon, but it's more than that. It's the first time I've been so out of control in 9 months. Yes, I'm tense and I've got stuff going on - but I've had that in the last 9 months and not lost it. What's different now?
I don't know. But it didn't magically happen yesterday - it's been building up. I haven't run in a week and the only other working out I've done is yard work. (Except for Tuesday when I felt really emotionally crappy and worked out to make myself feel better.) I've been eating my formula breakfast and lunch (700 calories down by 5pm), but then eating carby dinners, about 900 calories worth. How do I know? Because it's been the same dinner for the last 4 nights.
We talk about finding non-food ways to take care of ourselves, about feeling our feelings instead of stuffing them down with food - but that presumes that we know something's going on before the food goes down the hatch. I didn't really realize it until last night. Or maybe it was this morning.
My main technique for feeling my feelings is meditation. Looks like it's time to take some time for me. Time to practice some self care that isn't destructive. I should be thankful to the person asking, "Is anyone going to finish that?", because it's a sign that everything's not all right in my world. I should learn these signs and pay attention to the message and hopefully I'll get better at noticing and reacting to the feelings - sooner than I did this time.
Yep. When I'm not moving, when I got into the habit, something's not right. Now, it's a depressive (mild) cycle. I know it. Makes me apathetic and I don't wanna do nuthin'. But I realize it and I will find a way to move again. I choose to do that.
ReplyDeleteI know you will overcome, too, and stop being the "finisher." :D