Thursday - Food History and Relationship to Food

Back up to 202.0 this morning.  Climbing was tough!  I was hoping it would be a workout, but I was really only trying to climb for maybe 5-10 minutes the whole evening.  I tried 3 things and failed at all 3 (although I did get mostly to the top).  I guess it's not unusual though, so I'm not bummed.  Not planning to go back soon, though.

Then there was pizza and pie for one of the guys' birthdays.  I had a piece of tomato/veggie pizza and a piece of apple pie.

I ran this morning though - a full mile in one go!  Twelve minutes, then some walking and 6 minutes, walk more, then 4 minutes running.  So I feel pretty good right now.

I'm gonna follow Mir and Nanette into thinking about the psychology that got me fat and my relationship with food.  I first got fat in college, then lost 40 pounds right after I graduated and kept most of it off for roughly 10 years.  Then I gained almost 100 pounds slowly over 15 years. It's tempting to think that college is what made me fat, but that's not true.

The image that keeps coming to mind is me eating Crisco straight from the can in the afternoons when I was in 5th grade.  My parents had recently gotten divorced.  My mother moved to a new state and got a job, the first time in my life that she worked.  My sister and I were latchkey kids, we babysat ourselves in the afternoons after school.  There's also images of me in the bathroom again and again, certain I was going to puke.  I wasn't sick.  It was anxiety about the abandonment and dislike around me.

It was a tough divorce for me (something I denied for over 20 years).  My parents used me to carry nasty messages back and forth.  My mother took her stress out on me, so I don't remember ever feeling nurtured or very happy.  When I was in college, I finally told my parents to communicate with each other directly and quit using me to do it - that was 10 years of crap that my parents put me through.  I'm getting angry all over again thinking about it.

But I was athletic, so didn't get fat until later.

Yes, I used food to nurture myself.  I didn't know any other way.  I didn't know what a good relationship was like, so I chose bad ones.  Then (subconsciously) chose to be alone for a long time.  I moved every few years, all over the country and world, preventing any close relationships from forming.  It's hard to describe how badly I want to be in a nurturing relationship - something I have never in my entire life had.  Deep down inside I still don't believe it's possible, and I'm pretty uncomfortable much of the time right now with this new guy.  I don't know how to react when someone treats me well!  I still completely expect him to abandon me.

But I'm aware of where the discomfort comes from.  I started talking to a therapist about it last fall, including the part where I don't want to get fat again.  Since October of last year, I've learned how to nurture myself with meditation and exercise and good food.  I don't want to be trite and say that it's going to be a constant struggle for the rest of my life, or that I've beat my issues.  It's more complex than that, and it doesn't really have anything to do with food, other than food is how I avoided feeling my feelings.

I have new understanding and new tools that I didn't have before.  I hope that's enough to kick the familiar reactions off the old treadmarks and into new tracks  I hope that's enough for me to make it different this time!