Friday

189.8 this morning, up 0.6 lbs.  Yesterday was a TERRIBLE eating day.  After my normal breakfast, I led a meeting at lunchtime that featured pizza (2 slices).  Then met Dude after work for 20 ounces of beer and some cheese.  Then met some friends later for dinner (appetizer sampler and diet coke). 

I've been tense and distracted and stressed out for most of the month.  Weird and yukky things happen when I'm in this state.  Last week I washed a pen with 5 of my favorite shirts, ruining them all, along with the pen.  I knocked over a full cup of tea the same day - you guys might remember that a full cup of tea for me is 36 ounces!  All over the kitchen counter, papers, etc, etc.  A lot of stuff now sticky and brown.  Then yesterday I left my wallet at home, which is not helpful when I had to order 5 large pizzas. Especially since I realized it at 10:45 when I went to order the pizza, too late to go home and get the wallet.  I punted and it worked out OK, but these aren't accidents - they're symptoms of stress.

The conversation with Dude went better than I expected. I think it was one of the first really honest and open talks we've ever had. The first time we both really listened to each other without preconceived ideas or hedging what we said or defensiveness.  He may have been the one to do the dumping, but I was going in that direction myself.  I learned the real reason and while I'm not happy, there is enough peace in knowing.

We're still apart, but he really wants to be friends and I think I'm going to give him a chance - being careful to honor how I feel.  If I feel comfortable, good; uncomfortable or sad or unhappy or tense, bad. Just in case I'm not actually feeling that feeling, an urge to stuff my face = signal that I'm not feeling good. 

The trial will be Sunday.  He's coming over to help me move about 2 yards of dirt and gravel, so even if I'm uncomfortable, needed work will be done and it won't be a total loss.  If I'm feeling bad ahead of time, I can cancel.

The problem is that I still have strong feelings for the guy.  Rather than try and change things, I'm going to try, really, really hard to look at this as a gift from the universe. Things are this way for a reason.  It's an opportunity to practice not overthinking things (for once).  To practice my meditation and acceptance skills.  Good thing I have a meditation retreat tomorrow! I want to spend time thinking about joy and thinking about how joy doesn't come from someone else, and connect with the joy I know is inside me somewhere - even if it's very small.