Monday

188.2 this morning. I was 187.8 yesterday morning - a new low! A month ago, I was at 190.5, so my loss has drastically slowed down - only 2.3 pounds in the last month. If I had been keeping track of my intake in MFP, I'd be able to calculate my maintenance calories.  Boo!

I read about the new challenge that Julie is joining and it sounds really neat!  I thought seriously about trying to get into it a day late, but then realized that my head isn't really into a challenge right now.  Weight loss was my number one priority last fall, so it was easy to maintain the discipline (and it didn't take as much discipline because I was so overweight).  Now, I'm only 18 pounds away from my goal. And really, the world won't end if I never make it to 170 pounds.  

I've been sliding a little on exercise and completely dropped the meditation practice. After the dumpage and the horrible week I had last week, I want to focus on things besides weight loss - strengthening my support network of friends, bringing meditation back into my life, and regularizing my exercise.  Last fall was about healthy me.  Now I'm working on happy me - while maintaining healthy me.

I had a weird weekend.  I went to see the Avengers on Friday just to keep myself busy and away from thinking.  The meditation retreat Saturday morning/afternoon was a total fail. I'm too freakin preoccupied to be present in the moment.  Then I came home to some bad financial news and within 30 seconds had called Dude to see if he wanted to do something. He did, and we went to see Men In Black III and had dinner.  As friends.  (FYI: MIBIII > Avengers in my opinion.)  The evening was weird for me in a not-good, bad way. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride yesterday before our planned yard work.  Yup. I did - and we did. So I spent 11 hours with him yesterday.  I gotta tell you - not touching someone you care about deeply is tough.

I don't know how I feel about it all.  I so much want things to be different than they are, but can't say that I want them to go back to what they were.  Even if it was my magical world and I could control everything in it.  Fact is, I have no control over this.  The only thing I can do is let go of trying to control Dude and how he feels, and focus on me and how I feel.  Everything I need to be happy is already in my world, Dude or not.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat. Control the things I can control and let go of the rest.