Thursday

188.4 this morning.  Still working off everything I ate last week.

A few things I read today are striking me pretty hard.  They both made me cry:

First, from A Small Loss, Mary writing about good it was to spend time with a good friend:  it's easy to forget what it feels like to be hungry - truly physically hungry, in need of fuel and energy ... not emotionally hungry and in need of love, comfort, support, whatever else

Next, from a new blog I discovered, called Deconstructing Yourself:
In mindfulness meditation we observe and explore our experience without trying to control, manipulate, or change it. One the first big insights for many of us is how much we try to control every aspect of our life. Everything from our relationships (and the people we have them with), to our bodily functions, to our meditation practice. There is control in the protective way we hunch our shoulders or tighten our jaw. There is control in the ways we hold back with the ones we love. Meditation reveals this to us and then gives us tools to deconstruct all the reasons we are holding on so tightly. Eventually the reasons matter less and less and we can truly begin to trust the process of being human. We see that the control we thought we had was imaginary anyway. That can be scary and even heartbreaking, but slowly it becomes a freedom that is complete and unconditional.

I know I feel bad.  The last month has been especially bad, but I think it started earlier.  The proof is the knots in my stomach and my inability to focus on anything constructive.  My rehashing of stuff and trying to figure out, What. Is. Going. On., when logically, my life is fine.  There's nothing really wrong ... except the knots in my stomach and a constant feeling of being on edge and tense.

So here it is.  It's control.  It's me trying to control stuff that can't be controlled.  It's me trying to figure stuff out. 

Again, from Deconstructing Yourself:
As you listen to the waves of mental talk, without interfering or getting stuck in the story, you will find it less necessary to defend yourself or to have the last word. You will be less susceptible to the urge to figure it all out. By letting go of the need to control everything, you will begin to touch into real freedom.
This freedom is not to be mistaken with apathy or laziness. There is a huge difference between not caring about anything and having acceptance with everything.  Letting go of control does not mean all your dreams and goals will magically manifest with no effort on your part. It will simply become clearer where you should direct your time and attention. The space that opens when you stop being so driven, creates energy and insight for the things that really matter to you.

Dude is trying to step back into my life, but I don't know what he's looking for (yet).  I've been trying to figure it out all week.  Going through all the options, possibilities, outcomes, imaginary conversations.  I've been trying to figure out what I feel, what I want to say.  I'm pretty wrapped and twisted around.

Then, today, I think I figured it out.  I've been looking past the tenseness and the knots in my stomach to try and figure out what I feel, but that's it.  They ARE how I feel. 

I didn't have the space to realize it until I spent last evening with some friends and relaxed, really relaxed, for a few hours.  I have 2 things coming up this weekend that I'm looking forward to, and 1 thing that I feel tense about.  You guessed it - Friday evening with Dude is the thing I feel tense about.

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know how I feel now. I can be happy about that, even if I'm not happy with much else.  A lot of good things come from awareness. It's a good place to start.