I was busy at work yesterday, so didn't get to the gym until 4. Running was really, really hard. I felt like an elephant, all heavy and loose and jiggly and like I was running through mud. I started out at 5 mph, but slowed it down to 4.8 just to be able to finish the first 8 minutes, the second 5 minutes, and I only made it through 4 minutes of the last 5 minutes. Then my face was all red and sweaty, so I did what I could to neaten up before heading out to happy hour.
Happy hour was fun! The girls have been doing a lot of things I wasn't aware of. They went skiing. They went rock climbing. Had a dinner party. I'm not going to get upset about it. This time 6 months ago, I wasn't invited to anything at all, so the current state of affairs is already progress. I think I'll get invited to more as time goes on, and we build up more good times. They invited me to rock climbing next week, but it's the same night as EMT class. Rats! Every time I say No lowers the chance for me to get invited again, so that hurts. But oh, well.
I'm gonna tag onto Jillian's and Nanette's juicing thing this weekend. I've bought celery, cucumbers, apples, lemons, ginger, fennel and pears, and will buy more as I decide what I need. I'll start tonight. I think I'll have one solid meal Saturday and Sunday and juices for the rest. I'm still going to work out, so if I feel light-headed or weak, I'll adjust the food.
Part of the reason that I'm going to have a solid meal tomorrow is that I'm meeting someone from match. We're going to the farmer's market and then to brunch. All good thoughts about this one. My weight loss has been such a huge factor in my life lately, that it will be weird to meet someone who didn't know me any other way than I am right now. I think of myself as being in transition, from "fat" me to "normal" me, but I don't think that's the way I want to talk about myself.
I want to think about my identity this weekend. Who am I when I'm not a fat person anymore? It's been so many years, moving all over the country and the world, learning how to fit in wherever I am, that I've forgotten what I like to do, what I enjoy. The hole that I used to fill with food, I want to fill it with ME. When I figure out who that is, that is.
Tonight's plan is to do a 20-minute pilates video and the 20-minute Jillian Michaels workout 1, then make juice, then go to EMT class, and hope it ends before 10. It was really, really nice to have a week off from EMT class! Two whole evenings at home in a row. I picked up a knitting project both nights, and remembered that knitting is a really good way to push everything else out of my head. Must. Count. Stitches! I think I'll do more knitting over the weekend!
Send good thoughts for the Saturday meeting, please!! I have high hopes.
That's a really great question... who am I when I'm not a fat person anymore? A health enthusiast? Someone who likes spending time in the gym or running or eating clean?
ReplyDeleteI haven't thought about it that way. When I go to NY they aren't going to know the 368lb me. They're going to meet the me (not matter how big) I am when I get there. It's exciting.
Rock climbing sounds fun as does having a few girlfriends to hang with. I'm sort of reclusive and don't get out much. Hopefully, that will change in the spring and we get back to the hiking trails. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWell, I always assumed when I started this journey that I was just getting to become myself again. The "fat Princess" wasn't me. I'm the chubby princess....cause I've never been sleek or skinny, not since pre-puberty. But I could be the "more like real me". The me who wasn't skinny, but wasn't obese...just normal me.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I knew I'd have the weird skin issues, but hey...consequences.
I think you will find that you like you slimmer. Some folks freak (cause it brings up hidden issues), but for many of us, the fat IS NOT us. It's an alien latched onto us. It's a burden. It's a visible shame. It's a weakness. It's a crutch. It's a sign of damage.
Getting rid of the pile o' fat just shows us who we REALLY are...without that burden or blanket or whatever it is that this fat is or has become to us.
Caterpillar out of the cocoon....
And i do wish you well!!!! Dating mojo sent to you!
It's been better then 20 years since I weighed this much (lesser then way before) and it's just so different. Now turning 50, starting an empty nest and a new job and weighing 50 lbs less it's weird, new and total interesting.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your date. You're beautiful Jordan, always remember that.
Blessings!!