What This Has Meant

Tomorrow I'm going to write a just the facts post with pictures and numbers to close out the CDCC, but today I want to write about what it's meant.  I don't feel like the same person I was 6 months ago, physically or emotionally.  I am SO much healthier!  I don't know which came first, the invisible click in my psyche or finding Mir's blog at the beginning of September, but the CDCC has completely changed me.

My weight crept up over the course of the last 10 years, hand in hand with my self esteem going down.  It was so sneaky, I didn't realize it was happening.  I hid myself in loose clothes and wasn't surprised when I was invisible.  I read weight loss science blogs looking for the "secret" to losing weight, hoping that it meant I could still eat as much as I wanted and not move, and weight would melt off.

But hauling around 276 pounds was doing a number on my knees and I had plantar fasciitis terrible.  I realized that at 45, I couldn't wait for science to figure something out.  I had to own my problem.  Own my body.  Before it was too late.

So here I am now, at 223.6 pounds this morning.  I carry myself differently.  Yes, because there's 50+ pounds less of me, but also because I don't expect to be invisible any more.  And also because I've worked my body hard and it's better than it was.  People are reacting to what's changed in me, and I've got more and stronger relationships than before.  I can't say whether it's thinner me or more confident and moving better me, but I'd guess it's the latter.

I figured out what my non-negotiables are in a partner and put them in my profile up on match.com.  It's the more appearance-focused of the dating sites I've tried, and this time has gone very differently from the last time when I was 50 pounds heavier.  I must be putting out a stronger vibe because tomorrow I'm meeting a guy that's employed and can put together a few sentences who seems to want to meet me!  Two years ago I would have written, "Um, I'm overweight.  Are you sure you're OK with that?"  But now it doesn't define me.

So, um, yeah.  The CDCC has been big for me.  I'm a little nervous about what happens now and hope, hope, hoping that I get into Mir's next challenge.  I'm SO glad to have walked this path with you all and wish all of you the strength to continue on the path you've chosen.

Peace!