Unsettled

209.8 this morning. No change from yesterday, 1.4 down from my E2E weigh in.

I confess that I usually weigh myself twice a day.  I generally gain 2 pounds during the day and lose it overnight.  On the days when I weigh myself late afternoon and I'm way up, I know I'll be up the next morning as well.  Sometimes it's correlated with what I eat, but it's just as often water or TOM or who-knows-what.  I like not being unpleasantly surprised in the morning.  If there's an unpleasant surprise coming, I'll know in advance. Ditto for good surprises.  I sometimes weigh myself in the afternoon and I'm the same as I was in the morning.  That's when I know the next morning I'll be down.

I've been feeling unsettled for a few days.  I'm worried about money and not relaxing or meditating, which leads to not sleeping, then to being tired, being worried about other things like my car or the boiler at my house ... and being more unsettled.  A vicious circle.  I keep expecting bad things to happen (and since thoughts become things per my quote), I think my thoughts will attract bad things.  Another vicious circle.  Logically, I know it isn't true.  But logic and emotion are very far apart here.  I know I'm in a place of fear right now and it's just the way it is.  It kills me to not be able to fix things.  I'm a fixer.

The muscle memory and habits I've got is helping me continue to make good meals and stick with the eating plan and the workout plan.  But I've got this unsettling urge to EAT that isn't due to hunger.  I want sugary things like maple fudge.  I want someone to take care of me.  I want things to be different than they are.  I want pesto. I want bruschetta with garlic butter, gorgonzola and roasted red peppers.  I want champagne or  wine.  I want it to be warm and sunny.  I want thin pizza with pepperoni.  Eabe wrote about her cheesy shrimp dinner and I wanted that. Grrr.

Part of me wants to stop at the grocery on the way home to get fixins to make pesto so I can satisfy at least one urge.  But I know it's my emotion speaking, not my body.  I have something equally good already queued up for dinner - pan fried salmon, fresh spinach wilted in butter and browned nuts.  I'll have enough calories left over to have either something sweet from the freezer or a Dove miniature piece of chocolate.

Logically, I know I've taken care of myself today.  I'll make an effort to take care of my soul tonight and meditate.  It's the best I can do.  That, and stay away from the (excessive) chocolate!