E2E Midweek Update - Consistency - and bad feelings

203.4 this morning. 3.6 pounds lower than Tuesday.  I changed stuff up yesterday with a little IF and my body responded well.  It's not likely a real loss, but it shows I'm going in the right direction.  Onederland, here I come!

I thrive on consistency.  I eat the same thing at the same time every morning (3 scrambled eggs with 1.5 ounces meat and veggies).  I usually eat the same lunch (mixed greens salad with feta cheese and Ken's lite salad dressing).  I rotate through the same set of workouts.  Dinner has a little variety, but not much - one meat + one veggie.  Sometimes a beer or hard cider.  I'm on autopilot with the meals, which helps me focus on other things in my life.

I've read many times that for weight loss, surprising the body is a good thing.  I still don't usually do it.  Yesterday though, I had meetings in a different building all morning, and wasn't able to eat breakfast at 10 like I usually do.  So I ate breakfast at lunchtime.  Then I wasn't really hungry so I set aside all my snacks and had dinner at my normal dinner time.  I skipped exercise yesterday.  I was at 1000 calories, so they weren't too much lower than usual, but maybe the timing was the thing that made the difference.

Also, without really focusing on it, I think I've been eating low carb.  I've been below 100gm all week and yesterday was 26.  I'll bet I'm in ketosis, or something that's making me lose fast right now. Hopefully.

This week has been mixed.  Good from an eating and exercise point of view.  Bad from a support point of view.  I'm reading, but not taking the time to comment on blogs.  Mixed overall.

I'm struggling with something that's been a problem for me my entire adult life.  As soon as I start to like someone, I start to expect them to abandon me.  (yeah, because it happened when I was younger.)  It's colored SO many of my choices, and probably directly impacted the fact that I'm alone now, because I've unconsciously chosen people who will do the same thing over again.  Even though it sucks, it's what I know.  On top of the diet issue,  I've been working on loving myself for several months now, with the mindfullness meditation and the therapist, but the way I've been feeling for the last day or so show me that I've got a lot of work in front of me.  Logically I know how great I am, but if I don't get what I feel is enough props, I start to feel unlovable, feel needy and expect them to abandon me.  Totally sucky feeling.  Logically, I know the props come from inside myself, not another person - but that's one of the parts I need to work on.

Anyway, new dude is a VP and a really busy person, traveling a lot, going on sales calls, unpredictable schedule, all that.  AND, we haven't even known each other a week.  AND, he's German and I don't really understand his culture.  He made an effort to call and email for the first half of the week, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday.  Can you guess all the old feelings have come back?  Even though he wrote Monday and Tuesday about wanting to get together this weekend, I completely expect him to change his mind and I'm on pins and needles waiting for the blow.  Yeah, I feel shitty.

I sent him an email 2 hours ago to see how his weekend looks, and if he's still thinking to do something together, and asked if he's interested in live music.  If so, I'd start looking at who's playing out.  I wanted to give him space to let me know if he's changed his mind, but really I want him to let me know he's still interested.  No response yet.  He doesn't check personal email very often, so no quick response doesn't really mean anything.  Tell my heart that!! The same heart that's letting someone else make her feel shitty. Yeah, I get that that's wrong, but still, it's how I feel.  Must meditate, or work out, or both.  I can't let myself feel like this all day.

My quote is really relevant now:  Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!

Update, late afternoon: I did the weekly yoga workout with the group, but failed to relax.  Then tried to do the C25K week 5 run 3, which is 20 minutes straight, but stopped after 7 minutes.  Then I called my therapist and made an early appointment for Tuesday and we talked briefly.  Then I did a 20-minute guided meditation which helped a little.  But I was still tense and jittery.  Finally - I got a response email from dude while he was sitting at the Kansas City airport, returning a day early.  "Yes. Live music for Saturday sounds great!" plus a little more.  OK.  No abandonment today.

I'm pretty afraid of how my hard-won self-confidence evaporated so quickly.  I've got mindfullness workshop tonight, an all-day meditation retreat Saturday to work on finding the pool of self-love inside me.  And I have an appointment with the therapist Tuesday to work on putting the abandonment fear into the past, where it belongs.  I think that's about all I can do right now to take care of myself!