Eighteen!

I met the TaxMan last night and it was much more enjoyable than I expected.  He does communicate better face-to-face than by email. It turns out that we work for the same company!  He's at HQ downtown and I'm at the chemical plant in a 'burb.  Our plan was to meet for tea, but the place was closed.  So we walked a bit and ended up at a bar where he bought me a glass of wine.

And then I DID work out at the firehouse on the way home.  Started on the elliptical and I just couldn't hack it after that wine, so I switched to the treadmill and did 20 minutes at 3.0-3.2 mph and incline of 4-5, plus some weights.  Up 0.2 pounds this morning to 250.6, but it's not all bad.

Because I'm wearing size 18 pants today!

That got me so jacked up that I looked seriously at these 2-1/2 inch heel Nine West pumps that I scored at the Salvation Army last year (below on the right).  I haven't worn heels in maybe 4 years, so I settled for the mary janes on the left.  That plastic bag behind me in the upper picture is clothes to go to the Salvation Army.  I'm already growing too small for some of my clothes. Yeah, I feel good.  .

This meeting new people on OKCupid is giving me a chance to explore my thought patterns and self esteem again.  I pulled out a book that I've had for years, called When is Enough, Enough? that's been helpful.

I thought about skills that I developed as I was growing up that worked well for me at the time but are holding me back now.  My dad left us when I was 9 and my mother liked my sister more and took her shit out on me.  (Not making this up.  My mother agrees.)  What skills did I develop that worked then but are holding me back now?  Be hyper wary.  Expect people to not say what they feel. Learn how to figure out what people feel.  Don't be open with how I feel.  Don't be vulnerable.  Don't trust anyone.  Don't let anyone else help me carry my load.  Don't expect people I care about to be nice to me.  Figure out how to take care of my shit by myself.  Figure out how to get my own needs met without help.

It's OK.  These skills have done very well for me over the years.  I'm a successful engineer.  I've seen my country and the world and done things most people only dream of.  But I've got to change my thought patterns if I want the next 45 years to be different than the past 45.  Can't change 'em until I realize what they are!  This exercise is definitely helping me see more about myself. Things I never really thought about before, and that's a good thing. So, yeah.  Even though I had to close my office door and cry this morning, I feel good.  In fact - I think I may get that pedicure tonight!