Sideways

Is how I'm going.  Up one pound since yesterday, back up to 232.0. 

I'll bet 230 is going to be one of those really tough barriers to get through.  All I can do is keep on keeping on.  I'm not going to starve myself to get through this - 1100-1300 calories is as low as I want to go.  But I am consistent with the exercise; it was Jillian last night and 20 minutes on the elliptical this morning.  Jillian was noticeably easier!  I did almost all of the cardio and strength and didn't feel totally like I was going to die.

I think my mood the other day and this weight gain are related - thanks to our friend TOM.

Thanks for all your great advice about my love life!  It helps to get perspective from other people.  Of course the first thing I'm going to do is ignore the advice.  I'm going to let things with Mr Crushee lay for a while and focus on being a good firefighter.  It'd be a good idea to develop working relationships with more of the dudes, and I suspect any "confession" from me to crushee would be unwelcome.  If the opportunity comes up and it's clearly a good idea, then I will "tell" him.  If not, then I'll keep it to myself.  But I will not pretend I don't see him anymore.  The least I can do is be friendly.  That's how I'd treat anyone else in the department (most of them anyway).  This is all me being insecure and needy.  Bleh!!

I suspect it's a supremely bad idea to get involved in any physical way with any of the guys in this fire department, even though I have a secret wish to find my future Mister there.  Crushee just turned 24 and I'm 45 (or 46, I forget!), which is another reason it doesn't make sense in anything other than my fantasies. A phrase that I heard elsewhere fits pretty well here:  Feelings Aren't Facts.   I don't have to act on everything I feel.  [I can spend the energy to get myself lookin' SO hot and then we'll see who's crushin' on who!]

Which brings me to the next thing.  I have a date with TaxMan tonight.  My TOM-ish mood has made me annoyed with him and I'm going to bring it up tonight.  Yeah, we've been dating casually and I enjoy it.  But there's a lack of connection, no communication other than scheduling dates when we're not together.  I don't want a casual relationship.  Waah!  (me pouting and being all PMS-y).  I may be insecure, but I'm more confident than I was 2 months ago!  I'm gonna see where he's coming from and tell him where I'm coming from.  If he wants to keep it casual and continue dating once every few weeks, then I think I want to put my profile back up on OKCupid (with pictures of the thinner, hottah me).  We'll see how that conversation goes, but I'm OK either way.

Peace, all!