This is a Marathon, Not a Sprint

It's been a weird week for me.  I've been on this dieting and taking better care of myself path for 3 weeks now, and it's beginning to sink in that 90 pounds isn't just going to melt off with hardly any effort.  I've written a few times that this is the way I'll have to eat for the rest of my life, but I've still been thinking of it as a diet, not a Way of Eating.

Yesterday I felt a little bad, and wanted to hang out with someone.  I drove by the firehouse and nobody was there, so I went home and put in the Jillian 30 Day Shred DVD.  I was SO not feeling it.  I think I overdid it with the jumping around on Wednesday, and I could barely do 10 jumping jacks.  So I stopped and started beating myself up in my head.  Beating myself up for not finishing the DVD.  For not having any friends I can go hang out with.  Etc, etc.

Here's the thing.  I HAD something I could have done to be around people.  I've been in a beer Meetup group for 3 years, and they were doing something last night.  I wasn't going to go because in my (dieting) mind, beer is bad because it's empty calories.  So there I was, alone and not wanting to be alone, but staying away from people I know because it's at a bar and I might have a beer.  Yeah.  It didn't make sense to me either - so I got dressed in outside clothes and got there about 6:45.  There was only one person left, but I did have (2) 10-oz beers, trying some new flavors, and we chatted a bit. 

I was happy driving home because I had done something to interact with people, and had gotten some good perspective on what my needs are.  I need to make friends.  I need to be out with people, developing a support network.  Yes, I need to lose weight, but that does NOT supercede my need to make friends.  If it takes 6 more months to get to GW, then so be it.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  And I need to not feel so deprived that can't do normal activities that I like to do.

On that note, I've begun thinking about the things that make me me.  Things that I used to really enjoy but gave up as I moved around the world and started over, time and time again.  Things that make me feel confident and comfortable in my skin, more like the me I know I can be and less like the tense person I've been for the last 10 years or so.  

I went to a poetry slam Tuesday night.  I had to force myself to get out there because I didn't want to go by myself, but I really enjoyed it.  It got me going through boxes to find some of the old poetry I wrote 25 years ago, where I also found a self esteem book that I've had for maybe 15 years.  It's called How to Raise Your Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden.  I think finding the book is a sign, and I should follow where it leads.

So, I'm finding balance.  The balance to fit in 30 minutes of exercise a day (most days), eat (mostly) within my calorie limit of 1370 per day.  And the balance to get my ass out in the world and be confident and happy.  This is a long-term project that I need to feel good about doing, every single day.