Up 1.8 pounds since yesterday, to 244.8.
I suppose it could have been the pasta. I entered everything I ate, and it added up to 1500 calories. Plus, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which kicked my butt, and 1/2 hour on the weight machines and free weights. I'm guessing it's water weight, or stress weight, or whatever. I don't feel very upbeat today, but I'm going to do the FUFF update, so I don't forget.
Last night I skipped Fire Drill (finally learning), but went to a call at 11:30 pm, which ended up being a big mistake. The asshole that I dislike the most showed up, and it's obvious that they've been talking about me behind my back. Nobody - I mean nobody - even said Hi. And the biggest asshole kept saying at the top of his lungs, "Dangerous!" which is what I called him ... To someone else.
Because he IS dangerous. At the grocery store fire we had last week, this guy stole an apple as we were walking through the produce department. He stole fries at the Burger King fire a few weeks ago. At a carbon monoxide call, he made a guy on oxygen come downstairs before I tested his room, which was clean. Just about killed the guy. He lies. He doesn't do stuff he doesn't want to do. Is that the kind of firefighter you'd want in your house? I think there's something psychologically wrong with the guy and he should be on meds. I also think that most of the normal people know this guy is out of bounds, but he is amusing. Never a dull moment around him.
Anyway - that makes the second call in a row that I've been extremely uncomfortable at. I stopped going to drills a few weeks ago. Looks like I'm going to stop going to calls too! The atmosphere is toxic. There are 2 small saving graces. First, most of the older guys stopped coming around. I'm guessing they don't like it either, which helps me feel not so alone.
Second - this is not my problem. I have a real hard time with this one, because I want to fix stuff. But, really. Instead of trying so hard only to get a world of grief because those 21-year olds are jerks, I am perfectly capable of spending my energy on people that make me feel GOOD, not bad.
I just have to keep telling myself that, because I distinctly remember writing the exact same thing here about a month ago. Oh, and get a therapist. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and get myself to a counselor to explore some of the patterns of my life that I may not be able to stop by myself. Like being fat for one! And moving to another state/job/house/etc every time I get a little uncomfortable. I'm a pretty smart person, but I think this quote applies:
Your best thinking got you to where you are.
It's time to let someone else help.
FUFF Update:
1. What have you done to achieve your goals this week?
It was a mediocre week for the challenge. I worked out 4/7 days and while I didn't totally go off plan, I had a few days where I was less than stellar. I went to meditation class Tuesday. I went on a nice date Friday. But it's all sort of overwhelmed by me not being comfortable in the fire house at a Thursday night call, and left me feeling bad and seeing things being empty instead of full.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I've been sleeping alot. For most of the last week I've been getting in bed between 8 and 8:30. I know - scandalous!
3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I listen to dance music when I work out, loud and fast! Lately it's been hip hop. I'm especially liking the song Low, by Flo Rida. Excerpts:
Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo'
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low, low low low low
...
yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
Hip hop/Dance music. It's a world away from what I usually listen to.
5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Sorry, I'm not feeling chipper today and I'm having trouble thinking of a song. It would be a song about frustration and anger and emptiness and pain. And more frustration. I feel like I'm breaking up with someone, but it's the kind of breakup where you never get closure. Where the prize for being right is ... something yucky. And the prize for fitting in is ... also something yucky.
Aw, rats. Today is Wasted Time by The Eagles
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