What if Everything Was OK?

I didn't post yesterday, which is unusual for me.  Except Saturdays, I've posted every day since I started this new journey.  But I was busy at work yesterday (yay!), had the first meditation class last night, and was preparing to drive to New Jersey this morning to pick up a lamp I bought on EBay, a trip that I suspected wasn't such a great idea. 

You see, the check engine light has been on for several months.  It's an exhaust leak before the catalytic converter, so the car stinks, runs rough and sounds terrible.  I had to leave my house by 7:30 this morning to get to the seller's house by 10, the latest he could meet with me.  On the way to meditation class, I thought I noticed some other weird stuff, and made a mental note to check the fluids this morning before I left. 

Which I forgot to do until 7:30.  Both the oil and the coolant were below low levels, and worried, I started down the road.  No time to go back home and fill the fluids.  But the whole thing felt really wrong, and after 1/2 hour of driving, I turned around and came home.  I'll get the car checked out and fixed, and try again next week.

Meditation class was nice.  We did three meditations.  A starting one about the breath and then standing next to a well with a small stone that is the question, "Why are you here?".  Then later, we learned about mindful eating with a raisin, and finally, we started a body scan.  She sent us home with a CD that is a 40-minute body scan.  Our homework is to practice mindful eating for one meal a day and do the body scan once a day.  There are 4 students in the class.  One has high blood pressure and wants to learn meditation to help with that.  One is turning 60 in a few months, and one is a PhD student in psychotherapy.  The 4th is me.

I had a tough time concentrating in the meditations.  Worries about the car and my aborted trip, and thoughts about the firehouse/firefighters kept intruding.  (Monday's drill was tough.  There are new probies, and the guys were extra full of testosterone.  I left when one of them started to show dirty vids on his phone. I think that I'm beginning to fit in a little bit, and then I remember that I'll never be one of the guys.  Never.)

But then I remember that I'm doing OK.  Last night's meditations went like this, notice my breath, worry about the car, worry about the firehouse, ask Why Am I Here, answer in my head.  The words Why Am I Here get bigger and start to consume everything.  Worry about the car and the firehouse.  Repeat.

Then a small question came into my head.  What if everything was OK?

What if could drop the worries and nothing would fall apart?  Hm.  Hm.

I think the meditation class is coming at the right time. Seven more weeks.  Teacher says that we'll be meditating for 45 minutes by the end of class.  Good.

In other news, I've been eating right and exercising.  Increased the elliptical to 25 minutes yesterday and it was not a big deal.  248.8 on the scale yesterday and today.  The first person noticed that I've been losing weight - a girl I work with, at the gym yesterday.  I'm deliberately downplaying it.  When I lose the next 50 pounds, I'll crow over being successful.  What I've got now is a start.  Just the start.