Hongray

I am very, very hongray today.  I woke up at 5:30 with a hole in  my stomach, but only had tea until 10 when I had my three scrambled eggs.  Then at 11:30 I was starving again - and went to the cafeteria and got a brownie and a Diet Coke.  The brownie's lasted me until now (3:00), and I'm getting ready to have my normal salad greens, feta cheese, sunflower seeds and vinaigrette dressing lunch.  I can feel the sugar high from the brownie wearing off.  I'm exhausted.

The scale was the same today as yesterday, 2 pounds up from Monday.  Since I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories and I've exercised 30 minutes a day all week, this HAS to be our friend TOM coming to visit.  I'm SO, SO tempted to skip the exercise for today and make myself a nice, warm soup for dinner.  My disordered thinking says, "be nice to yourself and take it easy today," when I'm learning that the way to be nice to myself is to NOT take it easy.  But truth is, I don't want to work out today.  On the other hand, Laina from Keeping off 200 Pounds doesn't like exercise either, but still does it.  It's nice to have the elliptical at home because I can watch the news while I do the workout. 

Meditation class really hit the spot yesterday.  One of the exercises we did last night was to visualize a mountain in detail.  The trees or grass at the bottom, rooted in the earth, snow at the top, in the clouds, with breezes and sun - or whatever.  A mountain of your choosing.  Slowly start to visualize that mountain inside of you.  Your feet to the earth and your head to the sky.  Rain hitting you, but not affecting you.  All manner of things are on you, but not changing you.  Stresses and strains do not hurt you.  You are stable.  Strong.  You are a mountain.

This week's homework is to be a mountain 3 times a day.  Do 20 minutes of sitting meditation a day.  We are to think about our refuges.  What we think about when we want to be safe and happy.

I'm going to talk to one of the instructors (and go to another class) tomorrow evening. I've printed out lists of therapists on my insurance plan, so I can chat with him about what's going on and get his thoughts, and maybe a recommendation for someone to approach.  I'm looking forward to talking to someone about my "stuff."

The hives have slowed down drastically, thank goodness, since I stopped drinking chai tea with splenda and started taking H1 and H2 blockers.  I'm really grateful that I don't feel like I want to peel off my skin to scratch underneath it.  I'm going to let the chai work out of my system for a week or so and then stop with the blockers to see if that was it.

So, I'm not the cleanest housekeeper in the world.  Any single person who owns a big house, has any kind of life, and is doing projects on said house knows that stuff stacks up. (It's probably even tougher if you're married with children and a husband, if he doesn't help!) TaxMan is picking me up at my house on Friday which means that I should probably invite him in afterward.  Except that I really, really hate having to kill myself to make the house sparkle just so someone may or may not see it.  And I'm not in the mood to spend every evening cleaning the house this week.  I'm thinking about only cleaning the 2 rooms we might be in, or alternatively asking for a bye, and catching up a little each day.  I'm just not interested in trying to be perfect.  It takes too much energy - energy that I'm spending on controlling my calorie intake and exercising.  Blah!