Still

The scale this morning showed a loss again (down to 245.6), which surprised me, but I'll take it any way I can get it.  I wonder if switching my elliptical routine for yardwork and skipping a meal or two made that much difference.  I was glad to do work that didn't feel as tough as the elliptical (and glad to get the lawnmower put away for the winter, parts of the yard cleaned up and some annoying cables hidden), but I think there's a downside to not getting incredibly sweaty which I'll write about in a minute.

I'm still carrying around my anger and hurt about the firehouse jerks.  I'm having imaginary conversations with people where I'm brilliantly right and people change their minds and magically become normal people instead of the assholes they are.  I'm wishing it was different in the way that someone realizing a relationship will never work wishes that things were another way than they are.

The homework exercise for meditation class is helping because it's an exercise in becoming OK with things in the world and accepting that they are the way they are.  After I post this post, I'm planning on closing my office door and doing the meditation.  I did it early yesterday evening and it really did make me calmer.

I've been wanting to drown my feelings in a nice big plate of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce, garlic and bacon, which is what got me to 276 pounds.  I also want sushi, and went to 2 grocery stores looking for it.  Nope, none of that.  So I got a box of Marie Callender's Smoky Cheddar Mac & Uncured Bacon to indulge with 380 calories of the bad stuff.  A limited quantity to get a taste and hopefully satisfy the craving enough to put it aside. 

I also want to quit this shit and move somewhere else or just quit the fire department - but I read a quote yesterday that fits - You wouldn't have to keep starting over if you didn't keep quitting.  Time to put on my big girl pants and stop running from things that hurt.

And then after work I'm going to sweat my butt off with the elliptical!  I think part of why I've been carrying these negative emotions around is because I haven't sweated them out with a monster workout.  I'm looking forward to the mind-clearing aspects of serious sweat, and will spend time afterward on making beef stew and another homework assignment of writing down the things that make me stressed.  A nice, quiet evening at home while the rest of the guys are at fire drill.  (I'll put up the Fire Up for Fall update later tonight or tomorrow when I've got a better perspective.  I'm still here!)