214.4 this morning, which is up 1.4 pounds from yesterday, but still down significantly from last week. When I sat on the edge of the bed this morning and saw how far my belly went down my legs, I knew the scale would be up. I feel and look puffy.
Yesterday I couldn't fill myself even though I wasn't hungry. I know what it is. It's stress. I'm worried about my cat, about how much bills he's racking up that I can't afford. I'm supposed to pick him up sometime today, except that I have EMT class from 7-10, and I have to wait until the vet calls me, which should happen anytime now (she says, pointedly looking at the phone). Even without the cat, I'm worried about money. I've got more going out than coming in and I have to figure out what to do about it. My rainy day fund will be gone after this month. And I'm sick - stress - sick - yes, I think they're related!
So yesterday I snacked. A lot. A small handful of wasabi peas. A few pieces of beef jerky. A cookie. I wasn't hungry at all, but still ate. I got wonton soup on the way home and couldn't resist ordering crab rangoon (didn't look at the calories until after I ate it - on purpose). High reward food that made me want food again in a few hours. Had a few ounces of turkey breast. Then some cottage cheese. Food isn't going to fill the feeling inside me, but it's what I tried.
I saw it happening and tried to limit the damage by using food a little - but not too much. This is when I should have meditated or worked out. I did neither.
I slept 15 hours last night. Took the day off work today to try and get this cold to the next stage. And I started to get my tax stuff together. The sooner I file, the sooner they'll take my refund, which should satisfy one of my debts and get me closer to being in monthly balance. I could potentially rent out the master bedroom of my house, or refinance it from 15 years to 30 years. I'm really hoping I don't have to do either one, but at least I have options. I guess. When I did the calculations, I had a cushion. But every. single. month. last year had some huge unusual cost that I didn't plan for. Three times it was huge x 2!! When it's every month, it's not unusual any more!! The well is dry. I cannot afford to have my cat push this whole house of cards down! How's that for mixing metaphors?
Oh well. Enough of that. My stomach is growling. I have a pineapple I'm going to cut into and turkey breast for lunch.
My quote is particularly relevant now, when I'm letting myself be worried by thoughts of disaster: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!!
(Then last night my fortune cookie fortune said, "Only tears can bring a dreamer back to earth." Gak!!?! What do they know that I don't know???)
Gosh, it sounds like a worrisome times...and yes, as someone whose brain ants to eat when stress strikes (sometimes i win, sometimes I cave), I understand the medicating properties..the escapist action of food. Then the guilt. Ah, that cycle....I haven't been swept up in it in a while, but I know it well.
ReplyDeleteListen, you handle what you can, and that's all you can do. Your brain has already sorted out possible pathways for solutions. Just sit down with pen and paper and find ways to incraese income (boarder, refinancing, both, part-time job, better job if possible in this crap economy). That's all you can do. Reduce outlay. Increase income. And think positive.....keep hope that the crap time passes and you get that nice respite.
Being sick also affects the mood, so keep speaking healing into your body. I was nearly bedbound for years....and it was all I could do to keep from suiciding, but I hung in there and better times came. This cold will pass. This problem--you smart cookie-will be solved, and you will see a sunnier, healthier day.
God bless, buddy o' mine. God bless mightily!