Every night in bed I put my hands on the part of my stomach near my hips, feeling for the edge. Hoping to feel my hips to rise above my flat belly. During the day I feel the bump where my torso meets the top of my legs, feeling it get smaller and waiting for it to go away.
The last few weeks have been heady feeling my belly get flatter (no hips though. not yet), but then it stopped as I've gotten more successful at my goal to make friends and find a "tribe" to be part of. This morning I lay in bed and felt my belly rounder than before. Rounder. Not flatter.
I'm continuing my voracious reading of other weight loss bloggers and reading about self-sabotage. How so many start to succeed and then regain it all because they didn't change their thinking about themselves. That's me 2 years ago and 4 years ago and 6 years ago - and I'm terrified that it'll be me again. I'm 17 pounds into a 75+ pound journey that I hope, hope, hope will be one-way.
This week has seen me sleeping more. Going to bed earlier to read and closing my eyes early, and getting up later. I feel slow. Moving again like I'm still fat. The 2 pounds I gained over the weekend feels like the 25 pounds I had lost. My walk is more of a lumber than a trot, and the plantar fasciitis is back, making me limp. I think about exerting myself and realize that I don't want to. The rounded belly makes me feel like I'm beginning to fail, and that my next stop will be back at 275 pounds.
But the scale is still (sortof) going down. I haven't failed yet. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday morning, and after work today I'll hit the gym again. My boss wanted to go to lunch and I successfully got us to go to an Italian place instead of a pizza place. Then I successfully put 2/3 of the pasta fagiol soup (so yummy) into a to-go container before I took the first bite. Then I mindlessly found myself eating the leftovers at my desk later, and threw them away. All that pasta did was make me hungrier. All the bites after the first bite were not as good as that first bite.
I feel like I'm right on the edge of success or failure. But that's wrong.
This is one of those times where I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now. I need to make a good choice now. Keep moving. Keep eating OK. Keep working on changing my thought patterns. Keep reading. Keep meditating. The slowness will go away if I trust the process.
"... I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now."
ReplyDeleteThat, in a nutshell, is weight loss for me, too. Especially when times get tough, I can't fixate on long-term goals. I have to take things one day at a time.
You haven't failed AT ALL. You're still working hard. If losing weight was easy, we'd all be skinny -- but it's tough. Unfortunately it is a slow process, but you have to have faith. The habits you develop on your way to good health are habits that you'll have for the rest of your life. For that kind of positive return, you've got to invest the time. I know it's frustrating - believe me, I feel like "lose weight" has been my New Years resolution FOREVER -- but you're getting there.
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