I skipped fire drill last night to have dinner with TaxMan who is going overseas for 2 weeks. I've got a tradition of taking chinese food over for anyone who has just moved (and he did), so we had food out of boxes amid the boxes. I had some soup, half an eggroll, some shrimp and a few pieces of General Tso's chicken. It was low key and nice. My stomach is smaller now, so I'd have to force feed myself to eat much more.
I'm getting used to taking a break from the fire department. My house is quiet. I don't have to drop everything at all hours of day and night. It's very peaceful. I've had time to get some perspective on the big jerk that pissed me off so badly and calm down and realize that I like everyone else but him, and I really do like the work. This time last week I was thinking about quitting.
I felt so much better about it this morning at 7am that I responded to an EMS call. Only one other fellow showed up (a former chief), so we chatted about stuff. He and some other folks had noticed that I wasn't coming around and they had guessed it was because of the big jerk. They all know this turd is out of control, but everybody's a little afraid of him. (Yay, a grown up bully. Wonderful.) One of them was going to talk to the president and I asked him to please, don't do it because of me. That would make it worse for me. Just like a bully situation.
I came home after the call and cried my eyes out. I didn't realize that people noticed how hard I've been working, doing even the crap work like hauling hose that nobody else wants to do. My hard work had earned some respect. These old guys see their wives or their daughters when they look at me, and they have a problem when I get treated badly. (You know what got them going? A few weeks ago I was learning how to operate the pump on one engine and the jerk was operating the pump on the other engine, feeding me water. His radio interactions with me were sarcastic and a little nasty. I didn't really notice, but it pissed the old timers off on my behalf.)
I can't say I feel good, but I do feel better than the awful I felt last week. At lunch I went to the gym and worked out HARD on the elliptical with the music LOUD, and felt cleansed at the end. It was my first workout in a week. I've heard that ya gotta surprise your body, but after a few days not working out isn't a surprise any more!
241.6 this morning, same as yesterday. Last night's chinese food hasn't hit my body yet. Maybe the workout will cancel out the chinese food???
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Update
I discovered Pinterest from seeing stuff other bloggers posted. I'm hooked! Saw this one and thought it would fit as my inspirational photo. Otherwise it would be a picture of my snowy yard, and I'm not finding snow inspirational today.
1. What have you done this week towards your goals?
Stayed within calorie limits, less than 1300 most days. I went to 2 meditation sessions this week and took steps to find a therapist (spoke to one of the meditation instructors who is a mental health person and he gave me a recommendation. In about an hour of talking, he pinpointed some interesting stuff and recommended that I spend non-scheduled time discovering what it is that I like to do instead of being busy every minute.) Plus, I had social plans Friday and Saturday (even though Saturday's was cancelled due to snow). Friday evening with TaxMan was nice. We went to an edgy music show at an experimental performing arts center. We held hands when we walked and stuff, but he didn't end up coming into my house after the show because he was moving on Saturday morning. It was a really nice, low key evening.
2. What have you done to make you feel fabulous?
Practiced meditation several times. Spent Saturday/Sunday snowbound cleaning/organizing a workroom and thinking about stuff I used to enjoy but have lost touch with. Artsy, creative stuff. I pulled out a project that's mid-stream and set it up to work on later this week.
3. How do you pull yourself out of a slump or prevent yourself falling in to one?
I don't end up in slumps very often, so I tend to be off balance when I am down. I've been a little off for almost 2 years now - so maybe I'm not naturally positive any more! Sometimes I'll distract myself with reading a book or magazine, or going to see a movie. If I had friends, I'd ring one of them and visit. Recently I've realized that exercise will make me feel better, and meditation too. Doing nothing is the worst thing. A few weeks ago I felt down, so I washed my car and cleaned it inside and out, just to keep busy.
4. Are you naturally positive or do you have to work at it? How do you keep yourself positive?
I am naturally positive (or maybe not so much any more).
5. I'm on Holiday right now, if you could go away anywhere tomorrow (and work wouldn't get weird) where would you go?
In the winter, I want to go somewhere that has hot springs or hot tubs, or lots of sun and sand. Right now I'd love to be far away from my world, but that is easy to be in (as in must speak english or give me dysentery). I love New Mexico. There is a spa called Ojo Caliente north of Santa Fe that would do nicely right now.
I was so annoyed that she contacted my boss instead of asking me directly that before I knew it, half of the pastrami was gone! Wow! I guess that's mindless eating! Thank goodness it was pastrami and not french fries. I won't have time to work out today, but the 250-calorie "pastrami accident" is much easier to recover from than 600-calorie french fries!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
CDCC Update
241.8 - Only 1.8 pounds away from a hula hoop!
About the only thing I did well this week was stick to roughly 1300 calories per day. I ate out for 2 lunches and a dinner, but was careful about the cals and logged them.
I only exercised 3 days this week, I only drank about 40-60 ounces of water per day. I commented on the bare minimum of 3 blogs. I'll work on all of that this week, but if I stuck to one thing, I'm glad it was the calories. Oh, and I practiced meditation several times this week.
The elliptical is still making a horrible scraping sound when I use it. I've called the service folks (again) about it. The dude didn't fix it his first time out, so I'm going to keep calling him back until they make it WORK right.
It seems like every time I get something fixed, something else breaks. We got SNOW yesterday. I had a terrible time getting the plow blade on the ATV, involving 2 trips to the dealer, but finally got it at about noon, mere hours before the snow started. Then today when I tried to take the plow for a test run on the 4 inches of snow, the ATV wouldn't start. Ugh.
Then, after spending several days last week making the house sparkle, my dog got diarrhea and pooped in about 5 different rooms. Double Ugh.
I took a vacation from volunteer firefighting after Monday night - and we got 13 calls this week, all of which I skipped (4 fire alarm activations, 1 carbon monoxide detector, 1 diabetic problem, 1 structure fire, 1 hemorrage, 3 falls, 1 power pole snapped, 1 medical alarm).
Buut - I'm good. The last time I weighed 241 was in 2004 when I got down to 220 before gaining it all back plus 20 pounds. When I get to 220 again, it'll be 20% lost from my highest of 276. I haven't told my family about this - so it's gonna be a big surprise at Christmas when I'm 35 pounds lighter than the last time I saw them!
About the only thing I did well this week was stick to roughly 1300 calories per day. I ate out for 2 lunches and a dinner, but was careful about the cals and logged them.
I only exercised 3 days this week, I only drank about 40-60 ounces of water per day. I commented on the bare minimum of 3 blogs. I'll work on all of that this week, but if I stuck to one thing, I'm glad it was the calories. Oh, and I practiced meditation several times this week.
The elliptical is still making a horrible scraping sound when I use it. I've called the service folks (again) about it. The dude didn't fix it his first time out, so I'm going to keep calling him back until they make it WORK right.
It seems like every time I get something fixed, something else breaks. We got SNOW yesterday. I had a terrible time getting the plow blade on the ATV, involving 2 trips to the dealer, but finally got it at about noon, mere hours before the snow started. Then today when I tried to take the plow for a test run on the 4 inches of snow, the ATV wouldn't start. Ugh.
Then, after spending several days last week making the house sparkle, my dog got diarrhea and pooped in about 5 different rooms. Double Ugh.
I took a vacation from volunteer firefighting after Monday night - and we got 13 calls this week, all of which I skipped (4 fire alarm activations, 1 carbon monoxide detector, 1 diabetic problem, 1 structure fire, 1 hemorrage, 3 falls, 1 power pole snapped, 1 medical alarm).
Buut - I'm good. The last time I weighed 241 was in 2004 when I got down to 220 before gaining it all back plus 20 pounds. When I get to 220 again, it'll be 20% lost from my highest of 276. I haven't told my family about this - so it's gonna be a big surprise at Christmas when I'm 35 pounds lighter than the last time I saw them!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Giving Myself the Day Off
I decided to get over my major waah about cleaning and just do it. I usually ignore stuff like spiderwebs on window screens, toothpaste spatters on bathroom mirrors, dust on windowsills, but when I look at my place with new eyes, it looks terrible because of those things, on top of the dog hair everywhere. So I swept. I vacuumed. I cleaned window screens, countertops, dishes, mirrors. It needed to be done anyway. Getting mad about having to clean for TaxMan was a little silly. Another way to look at it is that I'll feel better in a nice, clean house.
Which brings up an analogy to getting mad about dieting and working out. We all know that we will feel better when we are thinner and healthier, but still complain about having to limit our eating and make time to work out. I didn't think of that when I was a whirling dervish last night, but the short-term struggle between pleasure now and pleasure later is ongoing. Still, and forever. I loved Mir's update on successfully getting through a party, and hope to use some of those techniques this weekend at a bonfire party. Gotta be willing to pass up the yummy-looking food though!
So I "gave myself the day off" from the elliptical and cleaned for 3 straight hours last night instead. And then I gave myself the morning off to clean some more. All I have left are the kitchen counters, dishes, mop the floor, and to vacuum 2 rooms. I skipped the whole back end of the house though, and the basement, which we'll have to walk through. Would have been better if I hadn't put it off until the last minute!!
Scale: 243.4, down 1.4 from yesterday, but still up 0.4 from Monday. No real change in eating to explain the gain/loss. Must be TOM. I'm the only person I know who can GAIN weight after a workout session. My boss talks about losing 5 pounds of water weight after a jog and I'm like, "WTF? How can I be a pound heavier after a workout than before??" I did try to do some pushups though - and I CAN !!! I did 10, girl style, and then failed in the middle of the second 10. That's 10+ more than I could do before!!
Which brings up an analogy to getting mad about dieting and working out. We all know that we will feel better when we are thinner and healthier, but still complain about having to limit our eating and make time to work out. I didn't think of that when I was a whirling dervish last night, but the short-term struggle between pleasure now and pleasure later is ongoing. Still, and forever. I loved Mir's update on successfully getting through a party, and hope to use some of those techniques this weekend at a bonfire party. Gotta be willing to pass up the yummy-looking food though!
So I "gave myself the day off" from the elliptical and cleaned for 3 straight hours last night instead. And then I gave myself the morning off to clean some more. All I have left are the kitchen counters, dishes, mop the floor, and to vacuum 2 rooms. I skipped the whole back end of the house though, and the basement, which we'll have to walk through. Would have been better if I hadn't put it off until the last minute!!
Scale: 243.4, down 1.4 from yesterday, but still up 0.4 from Monday. No real change in eating to explain the gain/loss. Must be TOM. I'm the only person I know who can GAIN weight after a workout session. My boss talks about losing 5 pounds of water weight after a jog and I'm like, "WTF? How can I be a pound heavier after a workout than before??" I did try to do some pushups though - and I CAN !!! I did 10, girl style, and then failed in the middle of the second 10. That's 10+ more than I could do before!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hongray
I am very, very hongray today. I woke up at 5:30 with a hole in my stomach, but only had tea until 10 when I had my three scrambled eggs. Then at 11:30 I was starving again - and went to the cafeteria and got a brownie and a Diet Coke. The brownie's lasted me until now (3:00), and I'm getting ready to have my normal salad greens, feta cheese, sunflower seeds and vinaigrette dressing lunch. I can feel the sugar high from the brownie wearing off. I'm exhausted.
The scale was the same today as yesterday, 2 pounds up from Monday. Since I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories and I've exercised 30 minutes a day all week, this HAS to be our friend TOM coming to visit. I'm SO, SO tempted to skip the exercise for today and make myself a nice, warm soup for dinner. My disordered thinking says, "be nice to yourself and take it easy today," when I'm learning that the way to be nice to myself is to NOT take it easy. But truth is, I don't want to work out today. On the other hand, Laina from Keeping off 200 Pounds doesn't like exercise either, but still does it. It's nice to have the elliptical at home because I can watch the news while I do the workout.
Meditation class really hit the spot yesterday. One of the exercises we did last night was to visualize a mountain in detail. The trees or grass at the bottom, rooted in the earth, snow at the top, in the clouds, with breezes and sun - or whatever. A mountain of your choosing. Slowly start to visualize that mountain inside of you. Your feet to the earth and your head to the sky. Rain hitting you, but not affecting you. All manner of things are on you, but not changing you. Stresses and strains do not hurt you. You are stable. Strong. You are a mountain.
This week's homework is to be a mountain 3 times a day. Do 20 minutes of sitting meditation a day. We are to think about our refuges. What we think about when we want to be safe and happy.
I'm going to talk to one of the instructors (and go to another class) tomorrow evening. I've printed out lists of therapists on my insurance plan, so I can chat with him about what's going on and get his thoughts, and maybe a recommendation for someone to approach. I'm looking forward to talking to someone about my "stuff."
The hives have slowed down drastically, thank goodness, since I stopped drinking chai tea with splenda and started taking H1 and H2 blockers. I'm really grateful that I don't feel like I want to peel off my skin to scratch underneath it. I'm going to let the chai work out of my system for a week or so and then stop with the blockers to see if that was it.
So, I'm not the cleanest housekeeper in the world. Any single person who owns a big house, has any kind of life, and is doing projects on said house knows that stuff stacks up. (It's probably even tougher if you're married with children and a husband, if he doesn't help!) TaxMan is picking me up at my house on Friday which means that I should probably invite him in afterward. Except that I really, really hate having to kill myself to make the house sparkle just so someone may or may not see it. And I'm not in the mood to spend every evening cleaning the house this week. I'm thinking about only cleaning the 2 rooms we might be in, or alternatively asking for a bye, and catching up a little each day. I'm just not interested in trying to be perfect. It takes too much energy - energy that I'm spending on controlling my calorie intake and exercising. Blah!
The scale was the same today as yesterday, 2 pounds up from Monday. Since I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories and I've exercised 30 minutes a day all week, this HAS to be our friend TOM coming to visit. I'm SO, SO tempted to skip the exercise for today and make myself a nice, warm soup for dinner. My disordered thinking says, "be nice to yourself and take it easy today," when I'm learning that the way to be nice to myself is to NOT take it easy. But truth is, I don't want to work out today. On the other hand, Laina from Keeping off 200 Pounds doesn't like exercise either, but still does it. It's nice to have the elliptical at home because I can watch the news while I do the workout.
Meditation class really hit the spot yesterday. One of the exercises we did last night was to visualize a mountain in detail. The trees or grass at the bottom, rooted in the earth, snow at the top, in the clouds, with breezes and sun - or whatever. A mountain of your choosing. Slowly start to visualize that mountain inside of you. Your feet to the earth and your head to the sky. Rain hitting you, but not affecting you. All manner of things are on you, but not changing you. Stresses and strains do not hurt you. You are stable. Strong. You are a mountain.
This week's homework is to be a mountain 3 times a day. Do 20 minutes of sitting meditation a day. We are to think about our refuges. What we think about when we want to be safe and happy.
I'm going to talk to one of the instructors (and go to another class) tomorrow evening. I've printed out lists of therapists on my insurance plan, so I can chat with him about what's going on and get his thoughts, and maybe a recommendation for someone to approach. I'm looking forward to talking to someone about my "stuff."
The hives have slowed down drastically, thank goodness, since I stopped drinking chai tea with splenda and started taking H1 and H2 blockers. I'm really grateful that I don't feel like I want to peel off my skin to scratch underneath it. I'm going to let the chai work out of my system for a week or so and then stop with the blockers to see if that was it.
So, I'm not the cleanest housekeeper in the world. Any single person who owns a big house, has any kind of life, and is doing projects on said house knows that stuff stacks up. (It's probably even tougher if you're married with children and a husband, if he doesn't help!) TaxMan is picking me up at my house on Friday which means that I should probably invite him in afterward. Except that I really, really hate having to kill myself to make the house sparkle just so someone may or may not see it. And I'm not in the mood to spend every evening cleaning the house this week. I'm thinking about only cleaning the 2 rooms we might be in, or alternatively asking for a bye, and catching up a little each day. I'm just not interested in trying to be perfect. It takes too much energy - energy that I'm spending on controlling my calorie intake and exercising. Blah!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Update
Up 1.8 pounds since yesterday, to 244.8.
I suppose it could have been the pasta. I entered everything I ate, and it added up to 1500 calories. Plus, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which kicked my butt, and 1/2 hour on the weight machines and free weights. I'm guessing it's water weight, or stress weight, or whatever. I don't feel very upbeat today, but I'm going to do the FUFF update, so I don't forget.
Last night I skipped Fire Drill (finally learning), but went to a call at 11:30 pm, which ended up being a big mistake. The asshole that I dislike the most showed up, and it's obvious that they've been talking about me behind my back. Nobody - I mean nobody - even said Hi. And the biggest asshole kept saying at the top of his lungs, "Dangerous!" which is what I called him ... To someone else.
Because he IS dangerous. At the grocery store fire we had last week, this guy stole an apple as we were walking through the produce department. He stole fries at the Burger King fire a few weeks ago. At a carbon monoxide call, he made a guy on oxygen come downstairs before I tested his room, which was clean. Just about killed the guy. He lies. He doesn't do stuff he doesn't want to do. Is that the kind of firefighter you'd want in your house? I think there's something psychologically wrong with the guy and he should be on meds. I also think that most of the normal people know this guy is out of bounds, but he is amusing. Never a dull moment around him.
Anyway - that makes the second call in a row that I've been extremely uncomfortable at. I stopped going to drills a few weeks ago. Looks like I'm going to stop going to calls too! The atmosphere is toxic. There are 2 small saving graces. First, most of the older guys stopped coming around. I'm guessing they don't like it either, which helps me feel not so alone.
Second - this is not my problem. I have a real hard time with this one, because I want to fix stuff. But, really. Instead of trying so hard only to get a world of grief because those 21-year olds are jerks, I am perfectly capable of spending my energy on people that make me feel GOOD, not bad.
I just have to keep telling myself that, because I distinctly remember writing the exact same thing here about a month ago. Oh, and get a therapist. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and get myself to a counselor to explore some of the patterns of my life that I may not be able to stop by myself. Like being fat for one! And moving to another state/job/house/etc every time I get a little uncomfortable. I'm a pretty smart person, but I think this quote applies:
Your best thinking got you to where you are.
It's time to let someone else help.
FUFF Update:
1. What have you done to achieve your goals this week?
It was a mediocre week for the challenge. I worked out 4/7 days and while I didn't totally go off plan, I had a few days where I was less than stellar. I went to meditation class Tuesday. I went on a nice date Friday. But it's all sort of overwhelmed by me not being comfortable in the fire house at a Thursday night call, and left me feeling bad and seeing things being empty instead of full.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I've been sleeping alot. For most of the last week I've been getting in bed between 8 and 8:30. I know - scandalous!
3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I listen to dance music when I work out, loud and fast! Lately it's been hip hop. I'm especially liking the song Low, by Flo Rida. Excerpts:
Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo'
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low, low low low low
...
yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
Hip hop/Dance music. It's a world away from what I usually listen to.
5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Sorry, I'm not feeling chipper today and I'm having trouble thinking of a song. It would be a song about frustration and anger and emptiness and pain. And more frustration. I feel like I'm breaking up with someone, but it's the kind of breakup where you never get closure. Where the prize for being right is ... something yucky. And the prize for fitting in is ... also something yucky.
Aw, rats. Today is Wasted Time by The Eagles
I suppose it could have been the pasta. I entered everything I ate, and it added up to 1500 calories. Plus, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which kicked my butt, and 1/2 hour on the weight machines and free weights. I'm guessing it's water weight, or stress weight, or whatever. I don't feel very upbeat today, but I'm going to do the FUFF update, so I don't forget.
Last night I skipped Fire Drill (finally learning), but went to a call at 11:30 pm, which ended up being a big mistake. The asshole that I dislike the most showed up, and it's obvious that they've been talking about me behind my back. Nobody - I mean nobody - even said Hi. And the biggest asshole kept saying at the top of his lungs, "Dangerous!" which is what I called him ... To someone else.
Because he IS dangerous. At the grocery store fire we had last week, this guy stole an apple as we were walking through the produce department. He stole fries at the Burger King fire a few weeks ago. At a carbon monoxide call, he made a guy on oxygen come downstairs before I tested his room, which was clean. Just about killed the guy. He lies. He doesn't do stuff he doesn't want to do. Is that the kind of firefighter you'd want in your house? I think there's something psychologically wrong with the guy and he should be on meds. I also think that most of the normal people know this guy is out of bounds, but he is amusing. Never a dull moment around him.
Anyway - that makes the second call in a row that I've been extremely uncomfortable at. I stopped going to drills a few weeks ago. Looks like I'm going to stop going to calls too! The atmosphere is toxic. There are 2 small saving graces. First, most of the older guys stopped coming around. I'm guessing they don't like it either, which helps me feel not so alone.
Second - this is not my problem. I have a real hard time with this one, because I want to fix stuff. But, really. Instead of trying so hard only to get a world of grief because those 21-year olds are jerks, I am perfectly capable of spending my energy on people that make me feel GOOD, not bad.
I just have to keep telling myself that, because I distinctly remember writing the exact same thing here about a month ago. Oh, and get a therapist. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and get myself to a counselor to explore some of the patterns of my life that I may not be able to stop by myself. Like being fat for one! And moving to another state/job/house/etc every time I get a little uncomfortable. I'm a pretty smart person, but I think this quote applies:
Your best thinking got you to where you are.
It's time to let someone else help.
FUFF Update:
1. What have you done to achieve your goals this week?
It was a mediocre week for the challenge. I worked out 4/7 days and while I didn't totally go off plan, I had a few days where I was less than stellar. I went to meditation class Tuesday. I went on a nice date Friday. But it's all sort of overwhelmed by me not being comfortable in the fire house at a Thursday night call, and left me feeling bad and seeing things being empty instead of full.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I've been sleeping alot. For most of the last week I've been getting in bed between 8 and 8:30. I know - scandalous!
3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I listen to dance music when I work out, loud and fast! Lately it's been hip hop. I'm especially liking the song Low, by Flo Rida. Excerpts:
Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo'
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low, low low low low
...
yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
Hip hop/Dance music. It's a world away from what I usually listen to.
5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Sorry, I'm not feeling chipper today and I'm having trouble thinking of a song. It would be a song about frustration and anger and emptiness and pain. And more frustration. I feel like I'm breaking up with someone, but it's the kind of breakup where you never get closure. Where the prize for being right is ... something yucky. And the prize for fitting in is ... also something yucky.
Aw, rats. Today is Wasted Time by The Eagles
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday Weigh In
243.0 this morning. 0.4 lost since yesterday.
I ordered Pad Thai for our Monday Thai lunch, even though I know noodles are a problem food for me (as in I have a problem stopping eating them!). I managed to only eat a little at lunch, but at 3:00 I had this unquenchable desire to have a "snacky poo" of Pad Thai noodles, and only managed to stop myself after eating about a cup by throwing it all away. I'd rather waste a few dollars of food than have to spend an entire week working off some noodles. I wasn't even hongray! Past Thai lunches have had white rice which I have no problem eating only a little of.
When I put my little Pad Thai excursion into MFP, I've got about 200 calories allowed for the rest of the day. After I work out on the elliptical, I'll have enough cals for a decent dinner. But - rats - that was an expensive few minutes in the dollars and cents of calories.
I ordered Pad Thai for our Monday Thai lunch, even though I know noodles are a problem food for me (as in I have a problem stopping eating them!). I managed to only eat a little at lunch, but at 3:00 I had this unquenchable desire to have a "snacky poo" of Pad Thai noodles, and only managed to stop myself after eating about a cup by throwing it all away. I'd rather waste a few dollars of food than have to spend an entire week working off some noodles. I wasn't even hongray! Past Thai lunches have had white rice which I have no problem eating only a little of.
When I put my little Pad Thai excursion into MFP, I've got about 200 calories allowed for the rest of the day. After I work out on the elliptical, I'll have enough cals for a decent dinner. But - rats - that was an expensive few minutes in the dollars and cents of calories.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
CDCC Update - Hula Hoop
I lost track of weeks a while ago, so I'm going with the noncommittal "CDCC Update" for the title today.
243.4 this morning. Every week it's the same. I struggle, struggle, struggle for nothing, bitch, moan, complain - and then the scale gives up the entire week's loss in 2 days. Last week's update I was 247 = 3.6 pounds lost this week. If I keep up this rate, there'll be no problem hitting my goal of 230-235 by the end of this challenge.
I was thinking this morning that my highest weight was 276, so I'm down 33ish from my highest. More than 10% lost in the last 2 years! Labor day I was 264, so I'm 21 down from there. Altogether, I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal to be non-obese,which will be 47 or so pounds from now. My final goal might be in the 185 range, but right now I'm only going to think in small steps.
I decided that my treat for getting through 240 pounds will be a hula hoop! I've got one of the cheap ones from WalMart, but I can't make it stay up. I've read that the hula way to go is to get a weighted hoop - which I will do soonest!
Water: Nope, not really. 1-2 pots (24 oz each) of English Breakfast tea before work, then 34 ounces of chai with splenda and light cream for the morning at work, like I've been doing for a few months.
I've had itchy hives for a month and it JUST occurred to me yesterday that it might be the chai and/or the splenda, so those are OUT for at least a few weeks. I also started taking an H1 blocker and an H2 blocker to control the itchiness. I kinda just realized they were hives (I can be slow on the uptake sometimes!), and reading about them yesterday, I learned that hives (urticaria) can be accompanied by joint pain. Aha! So that explains why my knees hurt again, and I feel like I have plantar fasciitis again! The H1 and H2 blockers (Zyrtec and Zantac) are working to make me not feel like I want to scratch my skin off - but one or both of them is making me tired. Yesterday I went to bed at 8 and got up this morning at 8. It'll probably be the same tonight, except I have to get up at 5:30 for work. Blurg.
My working hypothesis is that occasional chai is fine, but 2 bags a day, 7 days a week is too much. I'll give it 2 weeks chai-free before I make a doctor's appointment. Online peeps say that prednisone is a common treatment for this, but I don't wanna! It causes people to gain weight!
Supporting other bloggers: I did the minimum, three comments this week. I'm gonna skip fire drill tomorrow night, and maybe use that time to be more supportive of my bloggy friends!
Book stuff: for me, this is meditation class. I did some.
Exercise: I did elliptical Weds, Thurs, Fri and today, and weight work one of those days. I got my elliptical Tuesday and put it together and there's a problem! It scrapes when my left foot goes down. The repairman came Friday and fixed it ... until the very first time I tried it after he left. I'll call again tomorrow. I used that as an excuse until today when I forced myself to get on that noisy, scrape-y thing and do 20 minutes. OMFG! It's killer! It's got incline and has different workouts that automatically move it up and down and change the resistance. At several points I thought I was going up stairs the incline was so sharp. Now I'm feeling it in my quads, which is good. I've read that quad work can help my knees and I need that.
My plan for this weekend was to get a lot of work done in my yard. I really didn't feel like it, but since there's plenty of work to do, I bottled the Labor Day batch of hard cider and started a new batch for next spring, and started to clean the house. I'm expecting that TaxMan will come over next Friday, and while I'm not going to present some perfect, clean-housed me, I do want to get rid of the dust bunnies! So, yeah, Friday's date went well!
243.4 this morning. Every week it's the same. I struggle, struggle, struggle for nothing, bitch, moan, complain - and then the scale gives up the entire week's loss in 2 days. Last week's update I was 247 = 3.6 pounds lost this week. If I keep up this rate, there'll be no problem hitting my goal of 230-235 by the end of this challenge.
I was thinking this morning that my highest weight was 276, so I'm down 33ish from my highest. More than 10% lost in the last 2 years! Labor day I was 264, so I'm 21 down from there. Altogether, I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal to be non-obese,which will be 47 or so pounds from now. My final goal might be in the 185 range, but right now I'm only going to think in small steps.
I decided that my treat for getting through 240 pounds will be a hula hoop! I've got one of the cheap ones from WalMart, but I can't make it stay up. I've read that the hula way to go is to get a weighted hoop - which I will do soonest!
Water: Nope, not really. 1-2 pots (24 oz each) of English Breakfast tea before work, then 34 ounces of chai with splenda and light cream for the morning at work, like I've been doing for a few months.
I've had itchy hives for a month and it JUST occurred to me yesterday that it might be the chai and/or the splenda, so those are OUT for at least a few weeks. I also started taking an H1 blocker and an H2 blocker to control the itchiness. I kinda just realized they were hives (I can be slow on the uptake sometimes!), and reading about them yesterday, I learned that hives (urticaria) can be accompanied by joint pain. Aha! So that explains why my knees hurt again, and I feel like I have plantar fasciitis again! The H1 and H2 blockers (Zyrtec and Zantac) are working to make me not feel like I want to scratch my skin off - but one or both of them is making me tired. Yesterday I went to bed at 8 and got up this morning at 8. It'll probably be the same tonight, except I have to get up at 5:30 for work. Blurg.
My working hypothesis is that occasional chai is fine, but 2 bags a day, 7 days a week is too much. I'll give it 2 weeks chai-free before I make a doctor's appointment. Online peeps say that prednisone is a common treatment for this, but I don't wanna! It causes people to gain weight!
Supporting other bloggers: I did the minimum, three comments this week. I'm gonna skip fire drill tomorrow night, and maybe use that time to be more supportive of my bloggy friends!
Book stuff: for me, this is meditation class. I did some.
Exercise: I did elliptical Weds, Thurs, Fri and today, and weight work one of those days. I got my elliptical Tuesday and put it together and there's a problem! It scrapes when my left foot goes down. The repairman came Friday and fixed it ... until the very first time I tried it after he left. I'll call again tomorrow. I used that as an excuse until today when I forced myself to get on that noisy, scrape-y thing and do 20 minutes. OMFG! It's killer! It's got incline and has different workouts that automatically move it up and down and change the resistance. At several points I thought I was going up stairs the incline was so sharp. Now I'm feeling it in my quads, which is good. I've read that quad work can help my knees and I need that.
My plan for this weekend was to get a lot of work done in my yard. I really didn't feel like it, but since there's plenty of work to do, I bottled the Labor Day batch of hard cider and started a new batch for next spring, and started to clean the house. I'm expecting that TaxMan will come over next Friday, and while I'm not going to present some perfect, clean-housed me, I do want to get rid of the dust bunnies! So, yeah, Friday's date went well!
Friday, October 21, 2011
This Minute, This Moment
The only time that counts is right now.
Oh, I'm as guilty as anyone of making pronouncements like, "I'll work out for an hour every day this weekend," or, "I'll never eat pasta again." And I spend way too much time rehashing the last conversation, looking for places where I could have said something differently.
But as I lay in bed last night doing the rehashing thing after a fire alarm call and kicking myself for spending too much time hanging around afterwards with those assholes because all they do is make me feel crappy, I realized (again, for the thousandth time) - that I can't change the past. It's gone. When I carry the past with me in my head, I'm preventing myself from enjoying NOW. In my extremely comfortable bed snuggled up with Maggie the dog and Sparky the cat. Then I went to sleep. Eventually.
I had imaginary arguments with the biggest asshole this morning, and only with difficulty was able to drag myself back to NOW to enjoy breakfast and anticipation. You see, I have a DATE tonight with TaxMan. A Third date.
The second date last Friday was nice. We ate nachos and drank wine, and at the end we brushed lips. I reached back for a hug and that felt awkward. I have no idea what tonight will bring, outside of Thai dinner and a dance performance. Maybe we'll hold hands. Maybe we'll kiss. I'll let you know.
I feel a little weird. I've never dated a guy that's totally appropriate for me - same smarts, same education, no obvious problems living life. Completely available, as in divorced for a while. Well-balanced. Has friends. It's unsettling, and so unlike my normal pattern of going for train wrecks. I don't know what the future holds.
But that's where it gets cool. I don't have to know. All I need to do is what I've done. Eat lightly so that I can enjoy dinner (within reason). Done. Work out. Done. Take a shower and shave my legs, just in case! Done!
And then - enjoy the evening! Relax! Take it moment by moment!
Oh, I'm as guilty as anyone of making pronouncements like, "I'll work out for an hour every day this weekend," or, "I'll never eat pasta again." And I spend way too much time rehashing the last conversation, looking for places where I could have said something differently.
But as I lay in bed last night doing the rehashing thing after a fire alarm call and kicking myself for spending too much time hanging around afterwards with those assholes because all they do is make me feel crappy, I realized (again, for the thousandth time) - that I can't change the past. It's gone. When I carry the past with me in my head, I'm preventing myself from enjoying NOW. In my extremely comfortable bed snuggled up with Maggie the dog and Sparky the cat. Then I went to sleep. Eventually.
I had imaginary arguments with the biggest asshole this morning, and only with difficulty was able to drag myself back to NOW to enjoy breakfast and anticipation. You see, I have a DATE tonight with TaxMan. A Third date.
The second date last Friday was nice. We ate nachos and drank wine, and at the end we brushed lips. I reached back for a hug and that felt awkward. I have no idea what tonight will bring, outside of Thai dinner and a dance performance. Maybe we'll hold hands. Maybe we'll kiss. I'll let you know.
I feel a little weird. I've never dated a guy that's totally appropriate for me - same smarts, same education, no obvious problems living life. Completely available, as in divorced for a while. Well-balanced. Has friends. It's unsettling, and so unlike my normal pattern of going for train wrecks. I don't know what the future holds.
But that's where it gets cool. I don't have to know. All I need to do is what I've done. Eat lightly so that I can enjoy dinner (within reason). Done. Work out. Done. Take a shower and shave my legs, just in case! Done!
And then - enjoy the evening! Relax! Take it moment by moment!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Slow
Every night in bed I put my hands on the part of my stomach near my hips, feeling for the edge. Hoping to feel my hips to rise above my flat belly. During the day I feel the bump where my torso meets the top of my legs, feeling it get smaller and waiting for it to go away.
The last few weeks have been heady feeling my belly get flatter (no hips though. not yet), but then it stopped as I've gotten more successful at my goal to make friends and find a "tribe" to be part of. This morning I lay in bed and felt my belly rounder than before. Rounder. Not flatter.
I'm continuing my voracious reading of other weight loss bloggers and reading about self-sabotage. How so many start to succeed and then regain it all because they didn't change their thinking about themselves. That's me 2 years ago and 4 years ago and 6 years ago - and I'm terrified that it'll be me again. I'm 17 pounds into a 75+ pound journey that I hope, hope, hope will be one-way.
This week has seen me sleeping more. Going to bed earlier to read and closing my eyes early, and getting up later. I feel slow. Moving again like I'm still fat. The 2 pounds I gained over the weekend feels like the 25 pounds I had lost. My walk is more of a lumber than a trot, and the plantar fasciitis is back, making me limp. I think about exerting myself and realize that I don't want to. The rounded belly makes me feel like I'm beginning to fail, and that my next stop will be back at 275 pounds.
But the scale is still (sortof) going down. I haven't failed yet. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday morning, and after work today I'll hit the gym again. My boss wanted to go to lunch and I successfully got us to go to an Italian place instead of a pizza place. Then I successfully put 2/3 of the pasta fagiol soup (so yummy) into a to-go container before I took the first bite. Then I mindlessly found myself eating the leftovers at my desk later, and threw them away. All that pasta did was make me hungrier. All the bites after the first bite were not as good as that first bite.
I feel like I'm right on the edge of success or failure. But that's wrong.
This is one of those times where I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now. I need to make a good choice now. Keep moving. Keep eating OK. Keep working on changing my thought patterns. Keep reading. Keep meditating. The slowness will go away if I trust the process.
The last few weeks have been heady feeling my belly get flatter (no hips though. not yet), but then it stopped as I've gotten more successful at my goal to make friends and find a "tribe" to be part of. This morning I lay in bed and felt my belly rounder than before. Rounder. Not flatter.
I'm continuing my voracious reading of other weight loss bloggers and reading about self-sabotage. How so many start to succeed and then regain it all because they didn't change their thinking about themselves. That's me 2 years ago and 4 years ago and 6 years ago - and I'm terrified that it'll be me again. I'm 17 pounds into a 75+ pound journey that I hope, hope, hope will be one-way.
This week has seen me sleeping more. Going to bed earlier to read and closing my eyes early, and getting up later. I feel slow. Moving again like I'm still fat. The 2 pounds I gained over the weekend feels like the 25 pounds I had lost. My walk is more of a lumber than a trot, and the plantar fasciitis is back, making me limp. I think about exerting myself and realize that I don't want to. The rounded belly makes me feel like I'm beginning to fail, and that my next stop will be back at 275 pounds.
But the scale is still (sortof) going down. I haven't failed yet. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday morning, and after work today I'll hit the gym again. My boss wanted to go to lunch and I successfully got us to go to an Italian place instead of a pizza place. Then I successfully put 2/3 of the pasta fagiol soup (so yummy) into a to-go container before I took the first bite. Then I mindlessly found myself eating the leftovers at my desk later, and threw them away. All that pasta did was make me hungrier. All the bites after the first bite were not as good as that first bite.
I feel like I'm right on the edge of success or failure. But that's wrong.
This is one of those times where I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now. I need to make a good choice now. Keep moving. Keep eating OK. Keep working on changing my thought patterns. Keep reading. Keep meditating. The slowness will go away if I trust the process.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Is It Dysmorphia?
I wonder why I don't see myself as I truly am when I look in the mirror. I see someone that's a little chunky, but not terribly bad. But when I see myself in pictures, I'm shocked, (shocked!) at the fat person I see. Mir wrote about this, saying that instead of looking in the mirror, she has to use pictures to see how her body has changed.
When I google "obese dysmorphia," I get a bunch of sites that talk about people who have lost weight that think they still look fat. I'm the opposite - I see a person that is thinner than I really am! Has anybody read about this, or know anything about it???
I wrote the other day that our homework assignment in meditation class was to contemplate one of the 7 Essential Attitudes each day. Here are the Attitudes; Nonjudging, Patience, Beginner's Mind, Trust, Nonstriving, Acceptance, and Letting Go.
Here's Acceptance:
Often, to be able to accept what comes into awareness, you must pass through periods of intense feelings such as anger, fear, or grief. These feelings themselves require acceptance.
Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this moment if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Acceptance includes softening and opening to what is here. The sense of struggle is released. By ceasing to deny and fight with the way things are now, you can find yourself with more energy to heal and transform what is here.
Acceptance does not mean you have to like everything or that you have to take a passive attitude. Acceptance simply means willingness to see things as they are deeply, truthfully and completely. This attitude sets the stage for acting in the most potent and healty way in your life no matter what is happening.
So - yeah. Need to work on that one.
First thing I did is take pictures of myself this morning. If I have to look at myself through a camera lens to see what I really look like - then that's what I'll do. Here I am! (yah, forgot to smile...)
When I google "obese dysmorphia," I get a bunch of sites that talk about people who have lost weight that think they still look fat. I'm the opposite - I see a person that is thinner than I really am! Has anybody read about this, or know anything about it???
I wrote the other day that our homework assignment in meditation class was to contemplate one of the 7 Essential Attitudes each day. Here are the Attitudes; Nonjudging, Patience, Beginner's Mind, Trust, Nonstriving, Acceptance, and Letting Go.
Here's Acceptance:
Often, to be able to accept what comes into awareness, you must pass through periods of intense feelings such as anger, fear, or grief. These feelings themselves require acceptance.
Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this moment if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Acceptance includes softening and opening to what is here. The sense of struggle is released. By ceasing to deny and fight with the way things are now, you can find yourself with more energy to heal and transform what is here.
Acceptance does not mean you have to like everything or that you have to take a passive attitude. Acceptance simply means willingness to see things as they are deeply, truthfully and completely. This attitude sets the stage for acting in the most potent and healty way in your life no matter what is happening.
So - yeah. Need to work on that one.
First thing I did is take pictures of myself this morning. If I have to look at myself through a camera lens to see what I really look like - then that's what I'll do. Here I am! (yah, forgot to smile...)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, and Fire Up for Fall Update
247.2, up another 0.6 pounds. It's last weekend catching up with me, and retained water weight. TOM is right around the corner, too. I am beginning to appreciate how hard it will be to control my eating when I'm with other people. That 6-course tasting menu with wine wasn't really necessary. There were plenty of other options involving less food. The big bumps in the last week are all due to me not controlling myself when I'm socializing. I can still make my goal of 230-235 by mid-December, but I was hoping to be lower.
The second is a picture of our group. I'm the tall one in the middle. I'm always completely surprised by how fat I am in pictures. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see myself the way I really am. Pictures are the only way for me to see the "truth." Mir wrote about this, and I've read that it's the same for others. If this group gets together to do this again in the spring, I'll be thinner! AND I'll do the cargo net! It's not going to happen by magic - I'm going to work at it.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
- Work through my Christmas Dress Challenge book and do all the exercises. Find a second book and do that one too.- Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Power 90 DVDs. - Continue to invest time in my volunteer fire department.
I didn't exercise yesterday because I was exhausted after the all-night fire call Sunday, and today's not looking good either. The elliptical got delivered this morning! I had this idea that I'd be happily exercising away this afternoon, but that thing still needs to be put together. I've got meditation class at 6 (yay!), and I want to check out a poetry slam afterward - so I'm not sure if I'll work out at all today - making it 3 days in a row with no workout. Hm. Looking at what I just wrote, I really need to make an effort to Do It today.
Can you see all the workouts in this box? I'll try to take it out and put it together and give it a test run during the day today, but since I'm supposed to be working from home, I might should actually work.
Fire Up For Fall Update:
Two positive pictures from last weekend. The first is the cargo net on the ropes course we did Saturday. That's the bride-to-be shimmying across. That thing totally killed a few of our group and a few didn't get across. I didn't even try it. I want to rock that net next spring!
1. What have you done this week to achieve your goals?
It wasn't a great week for eating, or for working out. But I did socialize and have the start of small success making friends. Need to work on these goals not being zero sum (ie, one gets worse when the other gets better).
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I went on a date! I spent the day (and evening) with some great girls that I didn't know at the beginning.
3. It's half way through the challenge, you can change 1 or more of your goals (max of 3) if you want to....what are you going to do and why?
Looking back on my goals, I guess I had 6 of them. I want to change three. First, I didn't really like my book, so I'm going to change this goal to be about the meditation class. Second, I wasn't ready for Jillian Michaels or Power 90, so I'm going to change that one. Third, even though I plan to continue with the volunteer fire department, I don't want to have it be a goal, so I'll remove it to go down to 5 goals.
- Lose 20-25 pounds, to 235-230 by the end of the year
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge.
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge.
(new) Complete the Meditation Based Stress Reduction class.
(new) Exercise for at least 30 minutes 6/7 days a week.
- Look at where I spend my time and energy and look for places and people that make me feel good and will lead to friendships.
4. What's your worst bad habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?
I don't challenge myself enough physically. For so many years I thought I was a low energy person, and never pushed myself. (Completely forgot that I played field hockey in high school, which is NOT low energy!) I haven't tried to tackle this bad habit, but I'm hoping that the exercise goal and losing weight will make it not so hard.
5. Fun Time: Would you rather have Burgers for feet or Sausages for Fingers?
Definitely burgers for feet! I can't imagine not being able to use my fingers!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday
246.4. I can't remember, but I think that's about 1/2 a pound down from yesterday. I had a small victory just now, but I might still slide, so I'm writing this post to help me get through.
You see, it goes like this.
I had a quiet evening yesterday, mostly reading dieting blogs (it's hard to describe how helpful they are!). No TV. Sat in bed to read, and when it hit 10:30 pm, I turned out the lights, and was out like a light.
Then at 12:30am, we got a fire alarm call at the grocery store - and it was an actual fire! The fire was out and everything was put back together by about 2:30am, but some of us had to wait at the station for them to reset the alarm and test the sprinklers until .... get this .... 7 am. They fed us Eggo waffles at 7am, and I had 2 with a little butter and syrup. Now I'm at work and I am exhausted. And famished. I don't normally eat Eggos because they don't hold me for long, but I was starving.
It's times like this when I go to McDonalds and have 2 sausage burritos and a Sausage Egg McMuffin with cheese. I came close, so close to dropping everything and going to Micky Ds for my what-I-eat-when-I'm-tired comfort food. But first I looked up the nutritional information on line so I'd know how many calories I'd be putting into MyFitnessPal
That'll be 1170 calories with that Diet Coke!
I could have PART of it, but I know I'm not strong enough to just get one sausage burrito. The whole order will tumble out of my mouth and I'll be 1170 calories bigger.
So I put the brakes on going out for McDonalds - for now. In half an hour, they won't be serving breakfast any more and I'll be safe for the day. I'm writing this to fill up the time until it's 10:30 and too late for breakfast.
Whew! I'm SO glad I had the presence of mind to look up the nutrition info!
You see, it goes like this.
I had a quiet evening yesterday, mostly reading dieting blogs (it's hard to describe how helpful they are!). No TV. Sat in bed to read, and when it hit 10:30 pm, I turned out the lights, and was out like a light.
Then at 12:30am, we got a fire alarm call at the grocery store - and it was an actual fire! The fire was out and everything was put back together by about 2:30am, but some of us had to wait at the station for them to reset the alarm and test the sprinklers until .... get this .... 7 am. They fed us Eggo waffles at 7am, and I had 2 with a little butter and syrup. Now I'm at work and I am exhausted. And famished. I don't normally eat Eggos because they don't hold me for long, but I was starving.
It's times like this when I go to McDonalds and have 2 sausage burritos and a Sausage Egg McMuffin with cheese. I came close, so close to dropping everything and going to Micky Ds for my what-I-eat-when-I'm-tired comfort food. But first I looked up the nutritional information on line so I'd know how many calories I'd be putting into MyFitnessPal
I could have PART of it, but I know I'm not strong enough to just get one sausage burrito. The whole order will tumble out of my mouth and I'll be 1170 calories bigger.
So I put the brakes on going out for McDonalds - for now. In half an hour, they won't be serving breakfast any more and I'll be safe for the day. I'm writing this to fill up the time until it's 10:30 and too late for breakfast.
Whew! I'm SO glad I had the presence of mind to look up the nutrition info!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
CDCC Update
247 this morning, a 0.2 pound gain from last week's update. During the week I got down to 245.6, then back up to 247, then down, then back up.
Exercise: no exercise Wednesday and it's feeling like I'll struggle today. I'm planning to do some tree clearing on the hill in front of my house, but I really feel like taking a lazy Sunday instead. Tuesday was 18 holes of golf. Yesterday was ziplining (which turned out to be a ropes course with some fun zips). The week had a lot of variety and a lot of movement. Ideally, my life will have more weeks like this one - and that will be a challenge foodwise.
Reading: I'm using my meditation class for this. I missed last week's class because of the golf tournament, but the instructor sent me the assignment. Read a handout on the Seven Essential Attitudes, and spend 10 minutes each day sitting and contemplating one of them (can be a different one each day). The attitudes are: nonjudging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, nonstriving, acceptance, and letting go. For copyright reasons, I won't include the handout, but I've gotten a lot of peace out of the contemplations.
Food: was bad this week, and it was all from making not-good choices when I was out with people. I know how to do it. I know what to do. But in the split seconds where I made the decisions, I wanted to be like everyone else. Tuesday it was wings and beer after golf. Friday it was 2 glasses of wine and some nachos with TaxMan and yesterday it was a 6-course tasting menu with wine accompaniment at a bachelorette party.
Social life: great this week! Still not at a level of supportive relationships, but moving in that direction on multiple fronts. Finding myself surprisingly uncomfortable with the idea of dating TaxMan. Not because he's a bad choice, but because (likely) of my being so entrenched in my alone-world and entranced with emotionally unavailable dudes that I'm uncomfortable when a guy is available and actually interested in getting to know me better. I'm considering talking to a therapist about it. I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life, so I need to get my thoughts and actions into alignment.
General odds and ends: I read a blog posting last week about thinner people moving more, and that stuck with me, especially yesterday, noticing the bride-to-be jumping around in her living room, overflowing with energy even after putting us all in the dust on the ropes course. I noticed my bias towards not moving so much and thought about working on changing that.
The elliptical is being delivered on Tuesday! With 6 weeks under my belt now, I think it's a machine I'll really use.
For closure on the plow blade story - I found out it's only 75 or so pounds, so I'll be able to move it myself in the back of my station wagon. Problem solved!
I'll post a picture of the ropes course later, when I find the camera cable!
Have a great week, all!
Exercise: no exercise Wednesday and it's feeling like I'll struggle today. I'm planning to do some tree clearing on the hill in front of my house, but I really feel like taking a lazy Sunday instead. Tuesday was 18 holes of golf. Yesterday was ziplining (which turned out to be a ropes course with some fun zips). The week had a lot of variety and a lot of movement. Ideally, my life will have more weeks like this one - and that will be a challenge foodwise.
Reading: I'm using my meditation class for this. I missed last week's class because of the golf tournament, but the instructor sent me the assignment. Read a handout on the Seven Essential Attitudes, and spend 10 minutes each day sitting and contemplating one of them (can be a different one each day). The attitudes are: nonjudging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, nonstriving, acceptance, and letting go. For copyright reasons, I won't include the handout, but I've gotten a lot of peace out of the contemplations.
Food: was bad this week, and it was all from making not-good choices when I was out with people. I know how to do it. I know what to do. But in the split seconds where I made the decisions, I wanted to be like everyone else. Tuesday it was wings and beer after golf. Friday it was 2 glasses of wine and some nachos with TaxMan and yesterday it was a 6-course tasting menu with wine accompaniment at a bachelorette party.
Social life: great this week! Still not at a level of supportive relationships, but moving in that direction on multiple fronts. Finding myself surprisingly uncomfortable with the idea of dating TaxMan. Not because he's a bad choice, but because (likely) of my being so entrenched in my alone-world and entranced with emotionally unavailable dudes that I'm uncomfortable when a guy is available and actually interested in getting to know me better. I'm considering talking to a therapist about it. I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life, so I need to get my thoughts and actions into alignment.
General odds and ends: I read a blog posting last week about thinner people moving more, and that stuck with me, especially yesterday, noticing the bride-to-be jumping around in her living room, overflowing with energy even after putting us all in the dust on the ropes course. I noticed my bias towards not moving so much and thought about working on changing that.
The elliptical is being delivered on Tuesday! With 6 weeks under my belt now, I think it's a machine I'll really use.
For closure on the plow blade story - I found out it's only 75 or so pounds, so I'll be able to move it myself in the back of my station wagon. Problem solved!
I'll post a picture of the ropes course later, when I find the camera cable!
Have a great week, all!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Back to 246
I got up, peed, weighed myself, and then worked out on the hard elliptical at the firehouse for 25 minutes. I am SO proud of myself for making working out a priority! Working out has always been the thing that went first in the past. I NEVER thought I'd still be making it a priority, 6 weeks in. I think it's because I'm not looking 75 pounds into the future. I'm only looking at the next 10 pounds, and it seems like something I can actually accomplish. Whatever tricks I gotta use to make the weight loss process stick this time, I'm gonna use! The blogging has really helped, and reading all yalls' blogs. Really, really helped!
I worked out this morning because I have a date for a glass of wine tonight with TaxMan! He's significantly older than me, a little shorter, and fat. But I was comfortable and had a good time talking to him when we met three weeks ago, and I wanted to spend more time with him. He's been busy with evening phone calls to asia and friends from out of town. I was beginning to think it was the busy of someone who doesn't really want to see me again, but we emailed yesterday and we have a date!
Let's talk about fat and online dating. Eight years ago when I was 226 pounds, I met someone through eHarmony that wrote to me after we met that he preferred his women slimmer. Ever since then I've had a complex about it. (Maybe I should have "helpfully" told him that I preferred my guys to be more interesting. He lived within 3 blocks of the Library of Congress, but had never been inside. I mean come! on!)
I changed my profile to make it clear that I'm not thin, and presented it like the two ends of the spectrum were "thin" and "interesting". I described myself as "a few extra pounds," had a full body shot up, and had words in my profile like, "I'm more comfortable around people who can carry a good conversation than a perfect body." And then, if someone good looking was interested in me, I couldn't believe it. I was sure that they hadn't looked at all my pics. I was an angry person about how weight is important to so many guys, militant about how unfair it is. But I, I was the one making it an issue.
Yeah - I think my discomfort with myself was/is obvious. A few (more enlightened than me) guys wrote in emails to me that weight wasn't important to them as long as I was comfortable with myself. Which is when I had to admit that I wasn't comfortable with myself. I was looking for someone else to validate me because I wasn't validating myself.
So now that I've dropped a few pounds and am feeling actual muscles growing in my legs and am feeling powerful about taking control of my life, I revisited that profile and took all the references to weight out of it. It feels good to own my weight and make it MY issue, not some unknown online person.
As for what I'm looking for in a guy - it's not about weight. It's about happiness, optimism, a certain confidence and curiosity about the world, and ability to talk about stuff ... politics, science, whatever. And a willingness to try new things. All those seem to be things that TaxMan has.
How would I react if a guy started talking about his weight right off the bat like I've been doing? Probably not well. It'd be clear that they had a problem. Like they wanted to be with me to make themselves feel better, not for the sheer joy of it. Food for thought - and helpful for me to continue working on self-acceptance and self love.
I worked out this morning because I have a date for a glass of wine tonight with TaxMan! He's significantly older than me, a little shorter, and fat. But I was comfortable and had a good time talking to him when we met three weeks ago, and I wanted to spend more time with him. He's been busy with evening phone calls to asia and friends from out of town. I was beginning to think it was the busy of someone who doesn't really want to see me again, but we emailed yesterday and we have a date!
Let's talk about fat and online dating. Eight years ago when I was 226 pounds, I met someone through eHarmony that wrote to me after we met that he preferred his women slimmer. Ever since then I've had a complex about it. (Maybe I should have "helpfully" told him that I preferred my guys to be more interesting. He lived within 3 blocks of the Library of Congress, but had never been inside. I mean come! on!)
I changed my profile to make it clear that I'm not thin, and presented it like the two ends of the spectrum were "thin" and "interesting". I described myself as "a few extra pounds," had a full body shot up, and had words in my profile like, "I'm more comfortable around people who can carry a good conversation than a perfect body." And then, if someone good looking was interested in me, I couldn't believe it. I was sure that they hadn't looked at all my pics. I was an angry person about how weight is important to so many guys, militant about how unfair it is. But I, I was the one making it an issue.
Yeah - I think my discomfort with myself was/is obvious. A few (more enlightened than me) guys wrote in emails to me that weight wasn't important to them as long as I was comfortable with myself. Which is when I had to admit that I wasn't comfortable with myself. I was looking for someone else to validate me because I wasn't validating myself.
So now that I've dropped a few pounds and am feeling actual muscles growing in my legs and am feeling powerful about taking control of my life, I revisited that profile and took all the references to weight out of it. It feels good to own my weight and make it MY issue, not some unknown online person.
As for what I'm looking for in a guy - it's not about weight. It's about happiness, optimism, a certain confidence and curiosity about the world, and ability to talk about stuff ... politics, science, whatever. And a willingness to try new things. All those seem to be things that TaxMan has.
How would I react if a guy started talking about his weight right off the bat like I've been doing? Probably not well. It'd be clear that they had a problem. Like they wanted to be with me to make themselves feel better, not for the sheer joy of it. Food for thought - and helpful for me to continue working on self-acceptance and self love.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
What One Dinner Can Do
I read it in your blogs, but when I got a chance to go hog wild at a social event - I did it anyway. Two pounds instantly came back on, and will take days to get back off. I was down to 245.6 and am now just fighting my way back through 247. Lesson.
I'm getting ready for my second winter in this house. Last winter was very snowy and I have a long driveway. First, I used a plow guy and later I borrowed my boyfriend's plow to use on my ATV. ATV plowing is fun! (Or as fun as being outside at 6am in 10 degree weather and whistling wind can be.) Now that I'm not dating that guy anymore, I had to get my own plow. Ordered it last week and now it needs to be picked up. Here's a pic from last winter.
Which is where the story really starts. I don't have a pickup truck any more, and can't lift the plow blade myself. So I stopped at the firehouse to see if I could get help.
I hate asking for help. Especially from people I don't trust or especially like. Especially when it's asking to use a pickup truck.
I walked into where 2 guys were sitting and watching TV, said Hey, how's it going. Etc, etc. When it got to the part where I had to directly ask for help, I mumbled something, hoping that the one guy (who I'm crushing on, incidentally) would pick it up and offer to help. He did not. So I sat there twisting my fingers uncomfortably, resolving to figure out another way to get the plowblade home.
And then I was rescued by an EMS call for someone slumped over the steering wheel at the grocery store. And we went.
(Now we're getting to the real part of the story.)
We didn't find the slumper guy after driving around the parking lot and all around. At one point, the radio crackled something about the fire department being on scene and I looked around, like, "Where are they?"
And then I realized. It's US!!
PS - Still have to figure out how to get the plow home...
I'm getting ready for my second winter in this house. Last winter was very snowy and I have a long driveway. First, I used a plow guy and later I borrowed my boyfriend's plow to use on my ATV. ATV plowing is fun! (Or as fun as being outside at 6am in 10 degree weather and whistling wind can be.) Now that I'm not dating that guy anymore, I had to get my own plow. Ordered it last week and now it needs to be picked up. Here's a pic from last winter.
Which is where the story really starts. I don't have a pickup truck any more, and can't lift the plow blade myself. So I stopped at the firehouse to see if I could get help.
I hate asking for help. Especially from people I don't trust or especially like. Especially when it's asking to use a pickup truck.
I walked into where 2 guys were sitting and watching TV, said Hey, how's it going. Etc, etc. When it got to the part where I had to directly ask for help, I mumbled something, hoping that the one guy (who I'm crushing on, incidentally) would pick it up and offer to help. He did not. So I sat there twisting my fingers uncomfortably, resolving to figure out another way to get the plowblade home.
And then I was rescued by an EMS call for someone slumped over the steering wheel at the grocery store. And we went.
(Now we're getting to the real part of the story.)
We didn't find the slumper guy after driving around the parking lot and all around. At one point, the radio crackled something about the fire department being on scene and I looked around, like, "Where are they?"
And then I realized. It's US!!
PS - Still have to figure out how to get the plow home...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Making the Choices
The golf tournament was fun! I'm so thrilled to finally be invited to something, and it was really nice to be around coworkers, people that I like and who I've known for a few years. I was comfortable, even though I noticed that I was the only girl at one point. I got some perspective on how not normal my problems with the firehouse are, and that gave me some peace.
We played golf from noon to 5:30-ish and had a beer at the clubhouse. Then went to a local watering hole and had wings and more beer. I partook liberally of both, and the scale this morning shows it; up 2 pounds to 248.4. MyFitnessPal says that 5 hours of golf with a cart was 1900 calories burned (really? That seems awful high!). If MFP is correct, the beer and wings were within the exercise calories.
I was so happy to be socializing, that I ended up skipping Meditation class. I felt bad about that, but made the choice to maximize time with coworkers, hoping that it might evolve into more socializing in the future, and hopefully a friendship or two.
I feel great that I made it through 5 hours of golf (out of the cart, walk across the fairway, hit, walk, get into the cart, out of the cart, repeat 100+ times) and I made it without dying or having any plantar fasciitis pain today. I can't imagine doing that carrying around the 20-ish pounds I had just a few months ago. Progress!
Then this morning we had an EMS call for someone that had fallen. It was an old man who lived alone and had no relatives in the area. He'd fallen yesterday (yesterday!) and had been on the floor for a whole day trying to get to the phone to call 911. Calls like this make me feel like I'm looking in a mirror of myself 20 years from now. It's what I imagine my life will look like if I don't make connections. Me= thoroughly scared. On the positive side - I got a chance to chat briefly to the 3 other guys on the call about the "problem" dude, and they agree that he's a liability to the department. That conversation helped me remember that outside of 1 or 2 (or 3) problem people, I do like most of the guys in the department which changed the trajectory of my day for the better. And that's where I am now. Better.
We played golf from noon to 5:30-ish and had a beer at the clubhouse. Then went to a local watering hole and had wings and more beer. I partook liberally of both, and the scale this morning shows it; up 2 pounds to 248.4. MyFitnessPal says that 5 hours of golf with a cart was 1900 calories burned (really? That seems awful high!). If MFP is correct, the beer and wings were within the exercise calories.
I was so happy to be socializing, that I ended up skipping Meditation class. I felt bad about that, but made the choice to maximize time with coworkers, hoping that it might evolve into more socializing in the future, and hopefully a friendship or two.
I feel great that I made it through 5 hours of golf (out of the cart, walk across the fairway, hit, walk, get into the cart, out of the cart, repeat 100+ times) and I made it without dying or having any plantar fasciitis pain today. I can't imagine doing that carrying around the 20-ish pounds I had just a few months ago. Progress!
Then this morning we had an EMS call for someone that had fallen. It was an old man who lived alone and had no relatives in the area. He'd fallen yesterday (yesterday!) and had been on the floor for a whole day trying to get to the phone to call 911. Calls like this make me feel like I'm looking in a mirror of myself 20 years from now. It's what I imagine my life will look like if I don't make connections. Me= thoroughly scared. On the positive side - I got a chance to chat briefly to the 3 other guys on the call about the "problem" dude, and they agree that he's a liability to the department. That conversation helped me remember that outside of 1 or 2 (or 3) problem people, I do like most of the guys in the department which changed the trajectory of my day for the better. And that's where I am now. Better.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Fire Up For Fall Update
I feel like I'm being very selfish. I'm reading all your blogs plus a few others, and they're really helping me keep focused and consistent, but I've only done the bare minimum of commenting, and I've been terrible about responding to comments. Sorry!! I'm all about me, me, me these days, and isolating more than I know is good for me. I'm beginning to wonder if the Lyme Disease that I had earlier in the summer has messed with my emotional health and thinking, or maybe this is just a phase where my emotions are running stronger than usual.
Scale went back up 0.8 pounds this morning, to 246.4. Since I did well eating and working out, I'm OK. I worked out a little harder than usual to clear my head, but it didn't really work; 30 minutes on the elliptical at level 10, plus some free weights. The ellipticals at the firehouse and the work gym are very different. Level 10 at the work gym is about equivalent to level 4 at the firehouse one, and the moving arms are so low that it's hard to get my arms to stretch. I tried one out at Sears (thinking of buying one), and it was really nice! The stride was nice and big, you can change the focus area by changing the incline, and the arm poles really do work out my arms. I think it would provide a nice challenge for a long time, and take away my winter excuses for not exercising.
Today's exercise will be a round of golf this afternoon at a work tournament. I'm nervous because I've only played once this year
Positive Picture: here is my obedience school dropout! Digging after some animal, and then smiling for the camera with her dirty face.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? I went to the first Meditation Based Stress Reduction class on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to this class to help me understand (put aside) some of the reasons why I packed on the pounds and teach me better self acceptance. Second class is tonight!
3. What is your go to food or activity when you've had a bad day? A big plate of pasta with alfredo sauce, bacon and garlic, and maybe a bottle of champagne. As I've reduced my pasta eating, I realized that pasta makes me gassy! That's helped me stay away from it. Now that I'm getting more into exercise, I'm beginning to use a workout to clear my head when I've had a bad day.
Scale went back up 0.8 pounds this morning, to 246.4. Since I did well eating and working out, I'm OK. I worked out a little harder than usual to clear my head, but it didn't really work; 30 minutes on the elliptical at level 10, plus some free weights. The ellipticals at the firehouse and the work gym are very different. Level 10 at the work gym is about equivalent to level 4 at the firehouse one, and the moving arms are so low that it's hard to get my arms to stretch. I tried one out at Sears (thinking of buying one), and it was really nice! The stride was nice and big, you can change the focus area by changing the incline, and the arm poles really do work out my arms. I think it would provide a nice challenge for a long time, and take away my winter excuses for not exercising.
Today's exercise will be a round of golf this afternoon at a work tournament. I'm nervous because I've only played once this year
Positive Picture: here is my obedience school dropout! Digging after some animal, and then smiling for the camera with her dirty face.
1. What have you done this week to achieve your goals? I worked out every day in some form or another, and stayed within my calorie goals. I didn't get (too) upset when the scale didn't move until the end of the week.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? I went to the first Meditation Based Stress Reduction class on Tuesday. I'm really looking forward to this class to help me understand (put aside) some of the reasons why I packed on the pounds and teach me better self acceptance. Second class is tonight!
3. What is your go to food or activity when you've had a bad day? A big plate of pasta with alfredo sauce, bacon and garlic, and maybe a bottle of champagne. As I've reduced my pasta eating, I realized that pasta makes me gassy! That's helped me stay away from it. Now that I'm getting more into exercise, I'm beginning to use a workout to clear my head when I've had a bad day.
4. What's the last thing you did that you were really proud of? I lost weight and got below 250 pounds in the last few weeks! I spent so many years thinking it was really complicated and it wasn't going to work for me, but when I stopped making excuses and started moving my butt, the weight nicely started to come off. Reading blogs of people that have lost and maintained the loss is really helping me to see that it is actually possible to get down to what I weighed when I was 25 and be healthier at 50 than I was at 40 (or 30).
5. Fun Time: What was your favorite school subject, and your least favorite? Why? Funny to read that so many folks disliked math and science because they were my favorite. I wanted to be an astronomer, or maybe a poet, but my mother said, "Why don't you do something useful like be an architect?" I ended up as an engineer and now all of my family saves things for me to fix. I think I like math and science because there IS one right answer, and it is knowable, ie, not like words where there can be infinite interpretations or views.
Have a great week all! I'm going to practice letting go of the firehouse, letting go of thinking that they were going to fill my empty spaces. Practice accepting that things are the way they are and letting stress about that disappear.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Still
The scale this morning showed a loss again (down to 245.6), which surprised me, but I'll take it any way I can get it. I wonder if switching my elliptical routine for yardwork and skipping a meal or two made that much difference. I was glad to do work that didn't feel as tough as the elliptical (and glad to get the lawnmower put away for the winter, parts of the yard cleaned up and some annoying cables hidden), but I think there's a downside to not getting incredibly sweaty which I'll write about in a minute.
I'm still carrying around my anger and hurt about the firehouse jerks. I'm having imaginary conversations with people where I'm brilliantly right and people change their minds and magically become normal people instead of the assholes they are. I'm wishing it was different in the way that someone realizing a relationship will never work wishes that things were another way than they are.
The homework exercise for meditation class is helping because it's an exercise in becoming OK with things in the world and accepting that they are the way they are. After I post this post, I'm planning on closing my office door and doing the meditation. I did it early yesterday evening and it really did make me calmer.
I've been wanting to drown my feelings in a nice big plate of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce, garlic and bacon, which is what got me to 276 pounds. I also want sushi, and went to 2 grocery stores looking for it. Nope, none of that. So I got a box of Marie Callender's Smoky Cheddar Mac & Uncured Bacon to indulge with 380 calories of the bad stuff. A limited quantity to get a taste and hopefully satisfy the craving enough to put it aside.
I also want to quit this shit and move somewhere else or just quit the fire department - but I read a quote yesterday that fits - You wouldn't have to keep starting over if you didn't keep quitting. Time to put on my big girl pants and stop running from things that hurt.
And then after work I'm going to sweat my butt off with the elliptical! I think part of why I've been carrying these negative emotions around is because I haven't sweated them out with a monster workout. I'm looking forward to the mind-clearing aspects of serious sweat, and will spend time afterward on making beef stew and another homework assignment of writing down the things that make me stressed. A nice, quiet evening at home while the rest of the guys are at fire drill. (I'll put up the Fire Up for Fall update later tonight or tomorrow when I've got a better perspective. I'm still here!)
I'm still carrying around my anger and hurt about the firehouse jerks. I'm having imaginary conversations with people where I'm brilliantly right and people change their minds and magically become normal people instead of the assholes they are. I'm wishing it was different in the way that someone realizing a relationship will never work wishes that things were another way than they are.
The homework exercise for meditation class is helping because it's an exercise in becoming OK with things in the world and accepting that they are the way they are. After I post this post, I'm planning on closing my office door and doing the meditation. I did it early yesterday evening and it really did make me calmer.
I've been wanting to drown my feelings in a nice big plate of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce, garlic and bacon, which is what got me to 276 pounds. I also want sushi, and went to 2 grocery stores looking for it. Nope, none of that. So I got a box of Marie Callender's Smoky Cheddar Mac & Uncured Bacon to indulge with 380 calories of the bad stuff. A limited quantity to get a taste and hopefully satisfy the craving enough to put it aside.
I also want to quit this shit and move somewhere else or just quit the fire department - but I read a quote yesterday that fits - You wouldn't have to keep starting over if you didn't keep quitting. Time to put on my big girl pants and stop running from things that hurt.
And then after work I'm going to sweat my butt off with the elliptical! I think part of why I've been carrying these negative emotions around is because I haven't sweated them out with a monster workout. I'm looking forward to the mind-clearing aspects of serious sweat, and will spend time afterward on making beef stew and another homework assignment of writing down the things that make me stressed. A nice, quiet evening at home while the rest of the guys are at fire drill. (I'll put up the Fire Up for Fall update later tonight or tomorrow when I've got a better perspective. I'm still here!)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
CDCC Check in - Shopping in the Closet
I was SO busy at work on Friday, that I didn't have time to eat my 3 hard boiled eggs until 1:30 in the afternoon! That's the first time EVER that I can remember skipping a meal. When other bloggers wrote about using intermittent fasting as a diet tool, I thought, "Are you crazy?? I would die of starvation if I skipped any meals!" I used to despise the feeling of hunger.
But what happened after my little fast is that my appetite got smaller. I did yard work Friday evening instead of elliptical exercise, had a slice of ham and some broccoli for dinner - and the scale went Boom on Saturday morning. Down 1.6 pounds to 246.8 from 248.6. Is that the way it happens for you folks? Nothing, nothing, nothing, etc. Then all at once a bunch of weight disappears. I'll have to give this intermittent fasting thing a serious look!
I ate lightly on Saturday as well. Three fried eggs before fire drill, and a can of tuna with some mayo for lunch at 2. I'm freakin' amazed that those 3 eggs carried me for 6 hours, and then the tuna made me OK for another 6 hours. I'd only had 650 calories by 8, so I made myself a baked potato, 2 slices of bacon, an ounce of cheese with sour cream for dinner (no butter). And I couldn't eat it all! I ate all the good stuff and left about half the potato. Then I had a piece of maple fudge for dessert.
And the scale this morning gave me another 0.6 pounds, down to 246.2, for a loss this week of ... 3.4 pounds! If past history is any indicator, my weight will go back up for a little while before my body decides to finally let this weight go for good. That will probably bother me, even though I know to expect it.
Friday night, before this loss, I decided to take measurements to see if I'd lost any inches since September 1st when I started this journey. I lost an inch from my neck, 15.5 to 14.5 but only 2 inches from my hips, 54 to 52 inches. I knew my neck was getting thinner!
And then Saturday night I went shopping in my closets for clothes that I might have forgotten about. I found 3 pairs of size 18 pants I can wear to work now. Tried on all the old Hilfiger jeans and moved 2 pairs over to the "wear now" shelves. Good thing because I moved a few pairs of jeans off my "these look good" shelf and onto the "yard work" shelf because they're too big! Eventually they'll go into the bag for the Salvation Army.
Looked in this tote and tried on stuff that I had labeled with 220 (weight I was when I wore them) :
Tried on the dress and it fits - if I didn't need to breathe!
I love the old style dresses! I used to shop at vintage clothing stores (still shop at Salvation Army). I got some of these dresses thinking that I'd use them to make a pattern and make myself some. But really, I don't wear dresses any more. Can't wear them in a chemical plant. Or at a fire house.
The two dresses on the right fit well, but I can't get the one on the left over my shoulders! Well - enough procrastination - time to get outside and work in the yard some more.
But what happened after my little fast is that my appetite got smaller. I did yard work Friday evening instead of elliptical exercise, had a slice of ham and some broccoli for dinner - and the scale went Boom on Saturday morning. Down 1.6 pounds to 246.8 from 248.6. Is that the way it happens for you folks? Nothing, nothing, nothing, etc. Then all at once a bunch of weight disappears. I'll have to give this intermittent fasting thing a serious look!
I ate lightly on Saturday as well. Three fried eggs before fire drill, and a can of tuna with some mayo for lunch at 2. I'm freakin' amazed that those 3 eggs carried me for 6 hours, and then the tuna made me OK for another 6 hours. I'd only had 650 calories by 8, so I made myself a baked potato, 2 slices of bacon, an ounce of cheese with sour cream for dinner (no butter). And I couldn't eat it all! I ate all the good stuff and left about half the potato. Then I had a piece of maple fudge for dessert.
And the scale this morning gave me another 0.6 pounds, down to 246.2, for a loss this week of ... 3.4 pounds! If past history is any indicator, my weight will go back up for a little while before my body decides to finally let this weight go for good. That will probably bother me, even though I know to expect it.
Friday night, before this loss, I decided to take measurements to see if I'd lost any inches since September 1st when I started this journey. I lost an inch from my neck, 15.5 to 14.5 but only 2 inches from my hips, 54 to 52 inches. I knew my neck was getting thinner!
And then Saturday night I went shopping in my closets for clothes that I might have forgotten about. I found 3 pairs of size 18 pants I can wear to work now. Tried on all the old Hilfiger jeans and moved 2 pairs over to the "wear now" shelves. Good thing because I moved a few pairs of jeans off my "these look good" shelf and onto the "yard work" shelf because they're too big! Eventually they'll go into the bag for the Salvation Army.
Looked in this tote and tried on stuff that I had labeled with 220 (weight I was when I wore them) :
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Vent/Rant/Whatever
I want to vent for a minute. Remember when I wrote that I was going to focus my energy on things that made me feel good? I do. Maybe you can explain, because I sure can't, why I just spent most of my Saturday with people who will barely speak to me.
Let's step back a bit. When I moved to my current neighborhood, I applied to be in the volunteer fire department thinking that I'd continue serving as I had at my old house. What I didn't realize is that I would be the only woman, and that this group is a bunch of assholes. I've been hoping that I would fit in with this group and they might sortof be my friends. I spend Monday evening and Saturday morning with them every week at drill, and a few calls every week. Let's say 10 hours a week average. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. This is by far the most time I spend on anything outside of work. I'd been feeling like the payoff for my time/energy spent would happen .... sometime in the future and that the time was well spent.
The last 2 Mondays, it's sucked. There are some new probies, so the guys are showing off and being loud and obnoxious. It got so bad after drill on Monday that I left when one of the guys brought out the girly vids on his phone. The monthly meeting was on Tuesday which I didn't go to because I had meditation class (yay!). I stopped by the firehouse on Wednesday to drop something off and the chief told me that he had chewed the guys out - something I'd specifically asked him a few months ago not to do. But the chief's wife had been in the kitchen on Monday and was disturbed by what she'd heard.
So when the chief called everyone out for their language and behavior, do the guys say, "Oh yes, sorry about that."??? Nooo!! What they do instead is treat me even worse than before, because as the "delicate" girl, I'm the one that's preventing them from being able to say what they want, even though I didn't say or do anything other than leave. So at drill today, it's like I didn't exist.
I'm so pissed off! I'm pissed at the guys for being so juvenile and I'm pissed at myself for wanting so badly to fit in there. I said that I was going to concentrate on things/people that make me feel good - but here I still am in the same crap that makes me feel bad. Still alone on Friday/Saturday night, devoting time and energy to something that will probably NEVER pay off in supportive friendships. I think last week I posted a quote from a book about this exact thing.
I'm going to take a break from the fire department. It is a volunteer group after all. I don't have to go to drills... and I won't, for a few weeks. That's 8 hours a week of my life that I'll get back, and 8 hours a week that I won't be around negative crap.
I have weight loss news - the scale finally jumped down. But I'll write about that tomorrow when I've calmed down. Thanks for reading!
Let's step back a bit. When I moved to my current neighborhood, I applied to be in the volunteer fire department thinking that I'd continue serving as I had at my old house. What I didn't realize is that I would be the only woman, and that this group is a bunch of assholes. I've been hoping that I would fit in with this group and they might sortof be my friends. I spend Monday evening and Saturday morning with them every week at drill, and a few calls every week. Let's say 10 hours a week average. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. This is by far the most time I spend on anything outside of work. I'd been feeling like the payoff for my time/energy spent would happen .... sometime in the future and that the time was well spent.
The last 2 Mondays, it's sucked. There are some new probies, so the guys are showing off and being loud and obnoxious. It got so bad after drill on Monday that I left when one of the guys brought out the girly vids on his phone. The monthly meeting was on Tuesday which I didn't go to because I had meditation class (yay!). I stopped by the firehouse on Wednesday to drop something off and the chief told me that he had chewed the guys out - something I'd specifically asked him a few months ago not to do. But the chief's wife had been in the kitchen on Monday and was disturbed by what she'd heard.
So when the chief called everyone out for their language and behavior, do the guys say, "Oh yes, sorry about that."??? Nooo!! What they do instead is treat me even worse than before, because as the "delicate" girl, I'm the one that's preventing them from being able to say what they want, even though I didn't say or do anything other than leave. So at drill today, it's like I didn't exist.
I'm so pissed off! I'm pissed at the guys for being so juvenile and I'm pissed at myself for wanting so badly to fit in there. I said that I was going to concentrate on things/people that make me feel good - but here I still am in the same crap that makes me feel bad. Still alone on Friday/Saturday night, devoting time and energy to something that will probably NEVER pay off in supportive friendships. I think last week I posted a quote from a book about this exact thing.
I'm going to take a break from the fire department. It is a volunteer group after all. I don't have to go to drills... and I won't, for a few weeks. That's 8 hours a week of my life that I'll get back, and 8 hours a week that I won't be around negative crap.
I have weight loss news - the scale finally jumped down. But I'll write about that tomorrow when I've calmed down. Thanks for reading!
Friday, October 7, 2011
The Scale Hasn't Moved All Week
The weight loss has changed to slow and steady. Operative word is Slow.
Here's what I'm going to do about it:
- I'm going to work on drinking more water. I've noticed the return of some puffiness around my ankles, so I may be retaining water.
- I'm going to be more careful about counting butter and light cream. I use light cream in my tea. Are there any low calorie or low fat creamers out there that do the job as good as light cream? I love how it adds body to the tea, but with as much tea as I drink (~40-60 ounces per day), the calories add up. I'm on board with folks who say "Don't drink calories," so need to get rid of the cream.
- I'm going to shake up my exercise. I enjoy the elliptical because it's fast and easy and I don't have to think. Just sweat while listening to hip hop and watching House Hunters and then do a quick round on the weight machines and zip, zop all over. But I noticed that I'm losing flexibility (can't sit cross-legged without pain any more), and wondering if my body has gotten used to the elliptical. I tried C25K W1D1 last Friday, but I guess my knees and plantar fasciitis aren't ready for jogging yet.
- This weekend I have lots of yard work to do, so I think I'll lighten up on the gym work and get my sweaty on with the chainsaw and the shovel. I've got 5 yards of manure coming on Sunday and need to prepare!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Shoulds and Oughtas (or the Chainsaw and the Hill)
I've been really good this week. I've eaten less than my 1300 calories and exercised on the elliptical every day. I've even begun to (gasp) "forget" to eat occasionally and MFP has reminded me that I should be over 1000 net calories. So it's been surprising that the scale hasn't moved much. I've been stuck at 249.8 for a few days, and feeling like I should be working harder at losing.
So there I was at work today at the end of the day, my first day this week that I didn't have something to do in the evening, debating with myself. Was I going to go to the gym and do the elliptical, or was I going to go home and get yard work done (which in my mind doesn't count for a workout).
I was tired. It's been a busy week at work and today I did a lot of walking around the chemical plant and a lot of hard thinking about math/engineering stuff. I like being busy at work, but it can wipe me out so that I'm worthless in the evening (yup, morning person). Anyway - I came home to do yardwork rationalizing that I would do the elliptical afterwards.
So, here's the chainsaw and here's my front yard at the top of a hill that looks down into a pond. Or would look over a pond if there weren't so many trees and bushes. I started clearing out the bushes in July when it was 90 bazillion degrees and I was really, really out of shape. Today felt better. I got a few bushes cut before the sun set, and came inside feeling like I "oughta" do an elliptical workout. Never mind that I was so tired I was shaking. Somehow it's gotten into my head that if I don't perfectly eat and perfectly exercise, I'll balloon up to where I was.
My logical mind knows that I did OK today and I gave myself permission to relax, but I can see the struggle doesn't end. The meditation teacher said that we are hardest on ourselves. How to balance it? How to do well enough to continue losing, but poorly enough to live a nice and full, messy life? I'll meditate on that.
Next time I post a picture of my yard, here's hoping there's less in it!
So there I was at work today at the end of the day, my first day this week that I didn't have something to do in the evening, debating with myself. Was I going to go to the gym and do the elliptical, or was I going to go home and get yard work done (which in my mind doesn't count for a workout).
I was tired. It's been a busy week at work and today I did a lot of walking around the chemical plant and a lot of hard thinking about math/engineering stuff. I like being busy at work, but it can wipe me out so that I'm worthless in the evening (yup, morning person). Anyway - I came home to do yardwork rationalizing that I would do the elliptical afterwards.
My logical mind knows that I did OK today and I gave myself permission to relax, but I can see the struggle doesn't end. The meditation teacher said that we are hardest on ourselves. How to balance it? How to do well enough to continue losing, but poorly enough to live a nice and full, messy life? I'll meditate on that.
Next time I post a picture of my yard, here's hoping there's less in it!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
What if Everything Was OK?
I didn't post yesterday, which is unusual for me. Except Saturdays, I've posted every day since I started this new journey. But I was busy at work yesterday (yay!), had the first meditation class last night, and was preparing to drive to New Jersey this morning to pick up a lamp I bought on EBay, a trip that I suspected wasn't such a great idea.
You see, the check engine light has been on for several months. It's an exhaust leak before the catalytic converter, so the car stinks, runs rough and sounds terrible. I had to leave my house by 7:30 this morning to get to the seller's house by 10, the latest he could meet with me. On the way to meditation class, I thought I noticed some other weird stuff, and made a mental note to check the fluids this morning before I left.
Which I forgot to do until 7:30. Both the oil and the coolant were below low levels, and worried, I started down the road. No time to go back home and fill the fluids. But the whole thing felt really wrong, and after 1/2 hour of driving, I turned around and came home. I'll get the car checked out and fixed, and try again next week.
Meditation class was nice. We did three meditations. A starting one about the breath and then standing next to a well with a small stone that is the question, "Why are you here?". Then later, we learned about mindful eating with a raisin, and finally, we started a body scan. She sent us home with a CD that is a 40-minute body scan. Our homework is to practice mindful eating for one meal a day and do the body scan once a day. There are 4 students in the class. One has high blood pressure and wants to learn meditation to help with that. One is turning 60 in a few months, and one is a PhD student in psychotherapy. The 4th is me.
I had a tough time concentrating in the meditations. Worries about the car and my aborted trip, and thoughts about the firehouse/firefighters kept intruding. (Monday's drill was tough. There are new probies, and the guys were extra full of testosterone. I left when one of them started to show dirty vids on his phone. I think that I'm beginning to fit in a little bit, and then I remember that I'll never be one of the guys. Never.)
But then I remember that I'm doing OK. Last night's meditations went like this, notice my breath, worry about the car, worry about the firehouse, ask Why Am I Here, answer in my head. The words Why Am I Here get bigger and start to consume everything. Worry about the car and the firehouse. Repeat.
Then a small question came into my head. What if everything was OK?
What if could drop the worries and nothing would fall apart? Hm. Hm.
I think the meditation class is coming at the right time. Seven more weeks. Teacher says that we'll be meditating for 45 minutes by the end of class. Good.
In other news, I've been eating right and exercising. Increased the elliptical to 25 minutes yesterday and it was not a big deal. 248.8 on the scale yesterday and today. The first person noticed that I've been losing weight - a girl I work with, at the gym yesterday. I'm deliberately downplaying it. When I lose the next 50 pounds, I'll crow over being successful. What I've got now is a start. Just the start.
You see, the check engine light has been on for several months. It's an exhaust leak before the catalytic converter, so the car stinks, runs rough and sounds terrible. I had to leave my house by 7:30 this morning to get to the seller's house by 10, the latest he could meet with me. On the way to meditation class, I thought I noticed some other weird stuff, and made a mental note to check the fluids this morning before I left.
Which I forgot to do until 7:30. Both the oil and the coolant were below low levels, and worried, I started down the road. No time to go back home and fill the fluids. But the whole thing felt really wrong, and after 1/2 hour of driving, I turned around and came home. I'll get the car checked out and fixed, and try again next week.
Meditation class was nice. We did three meditations. A starting one about the breath and then standing next to a well with a small stone that is the question, "Why are you here?". Then later, we learned about mindful eating with a raisin, and finally, we started a body scan. She sent us home with a CD that is a 40-minute body scan. Our homework is to practice mindful eating for one meal a day and do the body scan once a day. There are 4 students in the class. One has high blood pressure and wants to learn meditation to help with that. One is turning 60 in a few months, and one is a PhD student in psychotherapy. The 4th is me.
I had a tough time concentrating in the meditations. Worries about the car and my aborted trip, and thoughts about the firehouse/firefighters kept intruding. (Monday's drill was tough. There are new probies, and the guys were extra full of testosterone. I left when one of them started to show dirty vids on his phone. I think that I'm beginning to fit in a little bit, and then I remember that I'll never be one of the guys. Never.)
But then I remember that I'm doing OK. Last night's meditations went like this, notice my breath, worry about the car, worry about the firehouse, ask Why Am I Here, answer in my head. The words Why Am I Here get bigger and start to consume everything. Worry about the car and the firehouse. Repeat.
Then a small question came into my head. What if everything was OK?
What if could drop the worries and nothing would fall apart? Hm. Hm.
I think the meditation class is coming at the right time. Seven more weeks. Teacher says that we'll be meditating for 45 minutes by the end of class. Good.
In other news, I've been eating right and exercising. Increased the elliptical to 25 minutes yesterday and it was not a big deal. 248.8 on the scale yesterday and today. The first person noticed that I've been losing weight - a girl I work with, at the gym yesterday. I'm deliberately downplaying it. When I lose the next 50 pounds, I'll crow over being successful. What I've got now is a start. Just the start.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Week 2 Update
I think I called last week week 2 when it was really week 1.
Here's today's positive picture. It's me, just now, wearing a $4 Salvation Army score sweater that I got on Friday. It's an older LL Bean. The color's different from the 27 other green sweaters I have (green matches my eyes), and I almost didn't buy it because it's a little tight. But then I realized that the sweater makes me look good. I'm excited because my neck has more definition and my pants are loose today. And I'm wearing a sweater that doesn't cover everything over!
1. What have you done this week to help get to your goals?
I continued the good behaviors, exercising 6/7 days and eating under my calorie goal 6/7 days. For my good results, MFP offered to recalculate my calorie limits and now I only get 1300 per day instead of 1370!
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I worked on relaxing and rediscovering my identity. Thought about what I'd do differently if I were to do things because they make me feel good instead of working towards impossible goals. Contemplated a life where I'm not struggling so hard all the time. Practiced asking myself often how I feel and what my wants and needs are. Meditation class starts tomorrow!
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your goals? Ambitions?
I want to be married or living with my other half, maybe even with kids. I want to have a strong network of friends and be a part of a "tribe." I want to be settled in my community. I've already traveled the world and had a few neat careers. What I never had was a strong family, and as soon as I'd start to settle into a place I'd get antsy and move. When I fix the patterns that have kept me solo and on the move (and fat), hopefully I'll be calm enough to settle down.
I want to be healthier at 50 than I was at 40.
4. Give us a tip or a fact. About anything, what is something great you've heard that everyone should know?
Here are links to some health blogs that I like. I spent a lot of time in the last year following folks who are figuring out how we get fat. Disagreements over the science, whether it's carbohydrates, insulin, food reward, palatability, etc, kept me safely away from taking action for a long, long time. I recently have begun seeing my mortality, and realized that I need to own my body NOW, rather than wait for medical understanding to figure out obesity. Here are some of the science/medicine/obesity blogs that I read:
http://wholehealthsource.blogspot.com/
http://carbsanity.blogspot.com/
http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/
http://evolutionarypsychiatry.blogspot.com/
http://healthcorrelator.blogspot.com/
http://rdfeinman.wordpress.com/
5. Fun Question: What was your most recent dream that you can remember?
Last week I had a dream that I woke up and wrote right down. I dreamed that I went to the grocery store. It was a fancy store and I bought a lot of stuff, including some $60 hair stuff like shampoo or conditioner. Then I went back to the house and it was an old house in a city and I guess I had roommates or houseguests. Then some bad guys broke in and I felt helpless as they were doing whatever they came to do, which was bad. But then I ran to get my camera and took pictures out the front window of their car and started to take pictures of them, which was bad for them. Then one of them tried to shoot himself but I knocked the gun out of his hand and he pulled out a smaller gun and tried again, but it didn't work. And then I woke up.
I was upset when I first woke up, but then realized that the dream could be about me taking action and being powerful, and I felt better.
Here's today's positive picture. It's me, just now, wearing a $4 Salvation Army score sweater that I got on Friday. It's an older LL Bean. The color's different from the 27 other green sweaters I have (green matches my eyes), and I almost didn't buy it because it's a little tight. But then I realized that the sweater makes me look good. I'm excited because my neck has more definition and my pants are loose today. And I'm wearing a sweater that doesn't cover everything over!
I continued the good behaviors, exercising 6/7 days and eating under my calorie goal 6/7 days. For my good results, MFP offered to recalculate my calorie limits and now I only get 1300 per day instead of 1370!
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I worked on relaxing and rediscovering my identity. Thought about what I'd do differently if I were to do things because they make me feel good instead of working towards impossible goals. Contemplated a life where I'm not struggling so hard all the time. Practiced asking myself often how I feel and what my wants and needs are. Meditation class starts tomorrow!
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your goals? Ambitions?
I want to be married or living with my other half, maybe even with kids. I want to have a strong network of friends and be a part of a "tribe." I want to be settled in my community. I've already traveled the world and had a few neat careers. What I never had was a strong family, and as soon as I'd start to settle into a place I'd get antsy and move. When I fix the patterns that have kept me solo and on the move (and fat), hopefully I'll be calm enough to settle down.
I want to be healthier at 50 than I was at 40.
4. Give us a tip or a fact. About anything, what is something great you've heard that everyone should know?
Here are links to some health blogs that I like. I spent a lot of time in the last year following folks who are figuring out how we get fat. Disagreements over the science, whether it's carbohydrates, insulin, food reward, palatability, etc, kept me safely away from taking action for a long, long time. I recently have begun seeing my mortality, and realized that I need to own my body NOW, rather than wait for medical understanding to figure out obesity. Here are some of the science/medicine/obesity blogs that I read:
http://wholehealthsource.blogspot.com/
http://carbsanity.blogspot.com/
http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/
http://evolutionarypsychiatry.blogspot.com/
http://healthcorrelator.blogspot.com/
http://rdfeinman.wordpress.com/
5. Fun Question: What was your most recent dream that you can remember?
Last week I had a dream that I woke up and wrote right down. I dreamed that I went to the grocery store. It was a fancy store and I bought a lot of stuff, including some $60 hair stuff like shampoo or conditioner. Then I went back to the house and it was an old house in a city and I guess I had roommates or houseguests. Then some bad guys broke in and I felt helpless as they were doing whatever they came to do, which was bad. But then I ran to get my camera and took pictures out the front window of their car and started to take pictures of them, which was bad for them. Then one of them tried to shoot himself but I knocked the gun out of his hand and he pulled out a smaller gun and tried again, but it didn't work. And then I woke up.
I was upset when I first woke up, but then realized that the dream could be about me taking action and being powerful, and I felt better.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
CDCC Week 3 Weigh In
249.6. Last week's weigh in was 252.4, so it was a loss of 2.8 pounds this week, 14 pounds this month.
I get impatient. Originally, I was going to be happy at a goal of <200 pounds, just getting out of the obese and into onederland, but now I'm thinking of going for overweight (<169). I see how far away that is and want to go, go, go. I see 249.6 and am not satisfied being 80 pounds away from my goal.
Then I look at it the other way. Fourteen pounds lost in a month is great! I'm doing Okey Dokey! If I lose 10 pounds per month for the last 3 months of the year, I'll be at 220 for New Year's Eve. Wow. I last was 220 about 10 years ago. Briefly dieted to 220 about 7 years ago. To be more realistic, 8 pounds per month will put me at 226, which is still great. Turning back the clock and adding years to my life and health. I love it!
But it's also about the daily behaviors.
I ate around 1000 net calories per day (including exercise calories) with only one big day, yesterday. Actually, one big meal, lunch, after fire drill, where they made ravioli and meatballs. I had 3 raviolis and 10 meatballs which added up to about 800 cals. Oh, that heavily processed food!
I exercised for 30 minutes every day except yesterday. It was all elliptical this week. And weights.
I read a book and worked on it. I've already read this book and have the relevant parts marked. I did a thought exercise most nights, and stuff is beginning to shake loose in my head. More below on this.
I did not drink all my water. Most days I drank 60 ounces.
I did not support other bloggers as much as I wanted to. I spent time on it Sunday and Monday, but the rest of the week whipped by and I didn't get to it. I read all the posts though! Just didn't take the time to comment.
I want to post a few lengthy quotes from my book, called When Is Enough, Enough, by Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson. They're from the chapter, "Why Do I Always Want the One Thing I Cannot Have?" (Note: technically, I am violating the copyright, which says, "No part may be reproduced." If anyone has a problem, I will take the quotes down.)
(begin quote)
"You may be saying to yourself at this point, 'But isn't it good not to be a quitter? Isn't it human nature to want what you can't have?'
It may seem natural to you, but consider this: People who come from backgrounds where there was enough empathy, where there was attention, approval, and validation of their truest selves, where they weren't constantly pitting themselves against challenges too steep, aren't drawn into situations where they have to consistently wring admiration or attention from others. They aren't drawn into situations where they consistently feel like failures. These situations don't feel so familiar to them. Such people aren't drawn to overcoming the impossible or making others see the light. They are accustomed to promoting their own well being. If a situation doesn't feel good, that's enough of a reason to move on. They give wide berth to people who make them feel insecure, rather than concluding that they are unlovable and should try harder to prove themselves. Indifferent people, impossible circumstances aren't something to be pursued but avoided. If a relationship is unfulfilling, a career unrewarding, the situation becomes disagreeable, not compelling. [...]
There's an interesting fact about blaming oneself which explains why so many people are willing to take it on. If one is at fault, then one can always do better. As long as one is responsible, one always has hope.
(end quote)
(begin quote)
In Real Magic, Dr Wayne Dyer points out that you can never get enough of what you don't want. 'The alcoholic despises the alcohol that consumes his life, yet he can never get enough of it. So too the drug addict. The person who is argumentative and full of rage despises the anger in him, yet never seems able to resist the invitation to argue. The oveweight person hates the food that he craves and yet never has enough. So many of us disdain the money that seems to run our lives and the need to chase it, yet we never seem to get enough of it.'
We want it, we can't have it, and we are always in crisis. What we don't realize is that we may actually need the crisis in order to function. Something in our past has made us crisis addicts. We were confronted with the inconceivable, the unendurable, the painful, and we put aside our feelings about it and endured.
(end quote)
(begin quote)
Although you may identify with many of the people in this chapter, and conclude that you, too, are drawn to difficult situations, you may be ultimately unwilling to let go. The most prevalent reason is that this entire struggle makes you feel safe. How so? Consider the following:
In mysterious ways, the fantasy provides you with a sense of fulfillment that can sap your motivation for anything real. Fantasies about unavailable people or situations actually provide a sense of being in an exciting relationship. Why bother with that resume; if I sell my screenplay I'll have so much money, I won't have to work. You lay down on your bed, fantasize and feel stimulated. The unconscious mind has no timeframe. You get an exhilarating high, as if you're having those experiences.
Such fantasies provide love without commitment, intimacy, without involvement, comfort without being vulnerable. Suppose you get what you've been dreaming of. Now you are faced with fears of commitment. Now you will struggle with the challenges of intimacy. You will be vulnerable. You may suddenly be face to face with whatever you've tried so hard to avoid.
(end quote)
I get impatient. Originally, I was going to be happy at a goal of <200 pounds, just getting out of the obese and into onederland, but now I'm thinking of going for overweight (<169). I see how far away that is and want to go, go, go. I see 249.6 and am not satisfied being 80 pounds away from my goal.
Then I look at it the other way. Fourteen pounds lost in a month is great! I'm doing Okey Dokey! If I lose 10 pounds per month for the last 3 months of the year, I'll be at 220 for New Year's Eve. Wow. I last was 220 about 10 years ago. Briefly dieted to 220 about 7 years ago. To be more realistic, 8 pounds per month will put me at 226, which is still great. Turning back the clock and adding years to my life and health. I love it!
But it's also about the daily behaviors.
I ate around 1000 net calories per day (including exercise calories) with only one big day, yesterday. Actually, one big meal, lunch, after fire drill, where they made ravioli and meatballs. I had 3 raviolis and 10 meatballs which added up to about 800 cals. Oh, that heavily processed food!
I exercised for 30 minutes every day except yesterday. It was all elliptical this week. And weights.
I read a book and worked on it. I've already read this book and have the relevant parts marked. I did a thought exercise most nights, and stuff is beginning to shake loose in my head. More below on this.
I did not drink all my water. Most days I drank 60 ounces.
I did not support other bloggers as much as I wanted to. I spent time on it Sunday and Monday, but the rest of the week whipped by and I didn't get to it. I read all the posts though! Just didn't take the time to comment.
I want to post a few lengthy quotes from my book, called When Is Enough, Enough, by Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson. They're from the chapter, "Why Do I Always Want the One Thing I Cannot Have?" (Note: technically, I am violating the copyright, which says, "No part may be reproduced." If anyone has a problem, I will take the quotes down.)
(begin quote)
"You may be saying to yourself at this point, 'But isn't it good not to be a quitter? Isn't it human nature to want what you can't have?'
It may seem natural to you, but consider this: People who come from backgrounds where there was enough empathy, where there was attention, approval, and validation of their truest selves, where they weren't constantly pitting themselves against challenges too steep, aren't drawn into situations where they have to consistently wring admiration or attention from others. They aren't drawn into situations where they consistently feel like failures. These situations don't feel so familiar to them. Such people aren't drawn to overcoming the impossible or making others see the light. They are accustomed to promoting their own well being. If a situation doesn't feel good, that's enough of a reason to move on. They give wide berth to people who make them feel insecure, rather than concluding that they are unlovable and should try harder to prove themselves. Indifferent people, impossible circumstances aren't something to be pursued but avoided. If a relationship is unfulfilling, a career unrewarding, the situation becomes disagreeable, not compelling. [...]
There's an interesting fact about blaming oneself which explains why so many people are willing to take it on. If one is at fault, then one can always do better. As long as one is responsible, one always has hope.
(end quote)
(begin quote)
In Real Magic, Dr Wayne Dyer points out that you can never get enough of what you don't want. 'The alcoholic despises the alcohol that consumes his life, yet he can never get enough of it. So too the drug addict. The person who is argumentative and full of rage despises the anger in him, yet never seems able to resist the invitation to argue. The oveweight person hates the food that he craves and yet never has enough. So many of us disdain the money that seems to run our lives and the need to chase it, yet we never seem to get enough of it.'
We want it, we can't have it, and we are always in crisis. What we don't realize is that we may actually need the crisis in order to function. Something in our past has made us crisis addicts. We were confronted with the inconceivable, the unendurable, the painful, and we put aside our feelings about it and endured.
(end quote)
(begin quote)
Although you may identify with many of the people in this chapter, and conclude that you, too, are drawn to difficult situations, you may be ultimately unwilling to let go. The most prevalent reason is that this entire struggle makes you feel safe. How so? Consider the following:
In mysterious ways, the fantasy provides you with a sense of fulfillment that can sap your motivation for anything real. Fantasies about unavailable people or situations actually provide a sense of being in an exciting relationship. Why bother with that resume; if I sell my screenplay I'll have so much money, I won't have to work. You lay down on your bed, fantasize and feel stimulated. The unconscious mind has no timeframe. You get an exhilarating high, as if you're having those experiences.
Such fantasies provide love without commitment, intimacy, without involvement, comfort without being vulnerable. Suppose you get what you've been dreaming of. Now you are faced with fears of commitment. Now you will struggle with the challenges of intimacy. You will be vulnerable. You may suddenly be face to face with whatever you've tried so hard to avoid.
(end quote)
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