The big 100!

176.0 this morning.

That's 100 pounds lost from my highest of 276 in about 2009.  A year ago today, I was about 254, so I've lost 78 pounds in the last year - 4 in the last month, solely because of Allan's challenge and not wanting to mess that up. (I have messed up Rebecca's challenge - I haven't done a thing for it since it started.)

I ran a 5K Saturday morning!  You know it's bad when you have to leave the house an hour earlier on Saturday than on a weekday.  The race started at 8:15.  Ugh.  So, we're all standing near the starting line just as the race was about to start and the announcer says, "There's a green VW with your lights on," and I went to my friends - "I have a green VW!"  So, just as the starting bell went off, I was running back to the parking lot to turn the lights off in my car.  Then I ran back to the starting  line and ran the race, starting well behind all the walkers.

Anyway, my finishing time includes the little jaunt to my car and back.  I finished in 35:14.  I use Runkeeper to keep track of my times and distances (thanks W0rld!) and I ran the first mile in 9:48, which is my fastest time ever and not sustainable.  Hell, I've only run an entire 5K once before!  Usually I have to walk a few times in 3 miles.  I slowed down and my average pace ended up at about 11 minutes per mile. Still a little fast for me.  Running with other runners made it much easier to go faster than usual.  Such motivation! As I was coming up to the finish line, I saw my friend taking pictures (because she finished so much ahead of me and had time to go to her car and get her camera!).  I'll post one when I get it.

Finally - it's been tough to stay on this 1200 calorie diet and I didn't completely succeed this week.  I had sushi on Wednesday night and went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant for Troy, NY restaurant week on Thursday, where I had some actual pasta with creamy sauce, for like the second time in a year. But I was on-plan for the rest of the week and my exercise was good.  The results show it!  I'm at a new low, and only 7 pounds away from goal.

I like Yoni Freedhoff's attitude about the whole thing.  He's an obesity doc in Canada, and his approach makes infinite sense.  Here's the link to his blog, Weighty Matters. I can't find a pithy quote right now which outlines his philosophy, so I'll badly paraphrase: The best diet for you is one that you can maintain without pain or undue stress, and in fact enjoy.  Any diet where you feel punished and unable to eat foods you like is guaranteed to fail.
Here's a quote from this post: Do you Know the Difference Between a Diet "Cheat" and a Life "Choice?"
Sure I believe that all choices need to be informed, and to inform a dietary choice, if weight's a consideration, quantity and calories may well matter, but the simple fact that you decided that food was a pleasure in your life? Well if you can't make that choice from time to time I'd argue you're cheating on living a realistic life, and that cheat's probably more likely to lead your diet to fail than any other.

He's not saying that cheating is OK.  He's saying that if you're on a diet where you feel you have to "cheat" just to get a little enjoyment out of food - that diet is doomed to fail. If you want to lose weight, lose weight eating in a healthy way that you can sustain for the rest of your life.  Amen, brotha!

(To be clear-er.  In my mind, for 300 pound people, eating in a healthy way does not include ice cream.  Ever!  There are ways to make food enjoyable at 1300-1500 calories a day, and if you must absolutely have some pasta, have a tablespoon of it to get the taste.  Seriously.  I'm not trying to give people a license to eat "intuitively" here.  I'm trying to say that the way to lose weight is to do so by eating in a way where you don't feel deprived and feel the need to cheat.  Because sista - you gonna have to eat this way for the rest of your life!  You better be able to do that! The way to success is to figure out how to eat in a way that you can maintain - forever.)

Rainy Tuesday

176.8 this morning. 

I want to note this, because it's my lowest weight since maybe 1994, it's verrry close to 100 pounds lost (my highest weight was 276), and it's less than 10 pounds from my goal, which is 169!

All it took was focus, concentration and making sure that everything I did supports this goal.  Too bad I've only been able to put together 3 days like that - but my body responded when I did the right things.  Mostly, for the last few months, I've been in more of a maintain-y mode than a losing mode.  It's harder to concentrate when 10 pounds away from goal than when I was 70 pounds away from my goal.

No excuses.  For the last few days I've been shaking it up a little to jolt my system.  I worked out hard for 4 days, weights on Friday and yesterday and ran Saturday and Sunday.  I still can only run for about 2 miles without walking.  I've got a 5K on Saturday and want to run the whole thing, even if I go slow.
I had a juice Friday and yesterday (cucumber, 2 green apples, ginger, lemon), and Sunday and yesterday I ate all my calories in 6-7 hours  (11-6).  Normally lately, I've been on autopilot with the eating 90% of the time, and then I hit a restaurant with friends and out the window goes my self control. No creamy sauces or pasta or anything like that, but 2 cheddar biscuits blows 2 solid days of 1200 calories.  It sucks, but thems the facts.

I bought myself some reward boots and another nice dress!  My calves are finally small enough to fit in long boots and darn it, I'm gonna celebrate that!  I found the dress at Goodwill on Sunday for $8.50.  It's stretchy and fits and feels great!  It's exactly the length to cover up my bulgy knees but show my nice calves.  I wish I could wear dresses to work.  Technically, I suppose I can, but the day I wear a dress will be the day I have to put on steel toed boots, a lab coat, a hard hat and go out into the factory.

Friday

181.6 this morning, up 3 pounds since Sunday.

It's gotta be water weight, 'cause I didn't eat 10,000 extra calories this week. I've been kicking ass on the water, though.  I slipped on Tuesday at a birthday dinner for a friend.  I had decided in advance that I was going to have the raw ahi tuna appetizer for my dinner, but I forgot that it came with noodles with ginger sauce.  Crap.  I wasn't strong enough to just say No. The only good thing I can say about that is at least it was appetizer-sized, not dinner-sized. 

Next time I need to pick what I'm going to order ahead of time, before I leave my house.  They have an ahi tuna entree and I can ask for extra veggies in place of the starch side.

I also think my Lyme disease is making a showing again.  I've been unusually tired since last weekend and my knees hurt.  For example, a few weeks ago I was full of energy, but this week it's tough to stand up when I'm sitting, without using something else to help me get up.  I feel like I'm fat again!

I'm signed up to run a 5K on September 22, so on Monday morning I tried to run 5K (3.2 miles) without stopping.  I made it!  Then I walked 3.2 miles back to my car.  That 6.4 mile workout burned 600+ calories!  But it kicked my ass.  Then on Tuesday I pushed myself with a weight workout and was sore for 2 days afterward.

So today I tried to run for 3 miles again (1.5 miles each way), and could barely do it. Actually, I had to walk several times.  My average pace was 14 minutes/mile - which is glacial.  But I did it.  Last week it was easy and today it was SO hard.  But I did it.  Tomorrow morning, I think I'm going to do an old-style step routine or something else on DVD, and Sunday morning I'm going to try and run again.

It's times like these when I can't think too much.  I have to just put one foot in front of the other and do the right things day in and day out.  I have to stick with the plan and not think about it.  I have to exercise most days of the week and not think about it.  Don't think about it.  Just do it.  The reward is knowing that I'm more stubborn than this stupid water weight. I'm going to win.  Period.

Get FIt, Feel Epic Start

So this is the start of my second challenge this fall.  I wanted the discipline, but my first week on Allan's challenge makes me feel rebellious on the whole challenge thing.  Nevertheless, I'm good at self-denial, so I'm going to forge ahead.

As I said, the first week on Allan's challenge was mixed.  I did great, and then good, and then OK until yesterday.  I ran 2 days, rode bike 2 days, and I think I did a weight workout 1 day.  So workouts were good.  The eating was good until yesterday when I found myself at Applebees with a group of people.  Still, I didn't descend into the fried appetizers like I really wanted to.  I got a quesadilla burger, full of Applebees advertised "special flavor boosters," or something like that.  What it did was sit in my stomach like a lead ball and make me sleep poorly last night.  Ah, regret.

I religiously logged everything I ate into MFP for nine months, yet this week I had trouble doing it for more than a day.  I saw that I am eating around 1300 calories, so I'm probably OK.  I also lost 3 pounds this week (gained one back this morning!), so again, I'm probably doing OK.  This MFP trouble probably doesn't mean that I'm on the highway back to gain 100 pounds.  Still - I feel like if I'm in 2 challenges, I should be logging my food.

So, my 5 goals for Rebecca's challenge.  Measurable goals.

1) Lose 10 pounds to get below 170.
2) Run at least (1) 5K race.  Run the whole thing. Finish in less than 40 minutes. Note: this is scheduled to be September 22.
3) Ride my bicycle at least once a week.
4) Run at least twice a week.
5) Do at least one weight workout every week.

There!  That wasn't hard!  I'm committed to 4 workouts a week per the above, and I think I can do that.  It's where I want my life to go anyway, so being accountable should help cement 4x/week workouts as a way of living.

Peace y'all!

Looks Bad but Feels So Good

181.2 this morning.  The weekend's debauchery caught up with me and I went up a pound.  Still seesawing around the same 2 pounds, up and down.  But still, it's 83 pounds less than I was today last year, and really close to my goal of <170. I'm still going down - just very slowly.

I started Allan's challenge this morning and have been good so far.  After I post this, I'm going to elliptical for 30 minutes in front of the TV (soccer practice was cancelled due to rain).  Next Monday I'll start Rebecca's challenge.  I'm going to give these things my all - and wherever I end up at the end of the year will mark the end of my "weight loss" phase and the beginning of my "maintenance" phase.  185 is the lowest I was ever able to maintain as an adult (15 years ago!).  I'm going to try hard to get 15 pounds below that, into *normal* weight category for my height - but I don't really expect to be able to maintain it long term below 185.

So - I've been thinking about buying myself some rewards.  Here's what I got today - some f*** me pumps and a red fitted dress! From Target!  The pumps make me look like a bad girl - and I love it!!

Here's how I'll probably really wear it. With leggings, and a sweater.

Finally, here are the pictures I took when I started Princess Dieter's Christmas Dress Challenge last year.  These were taken on September 1st, 2011... If anything, I'm holding my tummy IN, because those pants were so tight last year.  (I gave them away a few months ago - too big.)

Or these pictures...

Pretty horrible.  I still have a substantial ass, but now at least, it doesn't have it's own zip code!

So what was the magic thing that worked?

First, I had a reason to lose weight.  I was 45 years old, and was/am a volunteer firefighter in an aging neighborhood.  We get multiple calls every week because someone has fallen down and can't get up.  Can you imagine falling down and having to call 911 because you can't lift yourself from the floor?  After seeing it so many times, I realized that that will be me in 20 years if I don't get healthier.

At 276 pounds (or 264, which is where I started the CDCC), I couldn't think about being 170 pounds.  I had to think about being 10 pounds lighter than I was.  I always focused on the next 10 pounds.  Only that.

I used myfitnesspal to log every bite I ate and every workout I did.  I didn't cheat. Ever. Oh yeah, I had a few unplanned excursions - but it was a few in 9 months. Not a few every month.  The feature in myfitnesspal that says at the close of the day, "If every day is like today, you'll weigh xxx pounds in 5 weeks," kept me visualizing myself at xxx pounds.  It really helped.

I read weight loss blogs like some people read the bible.  I used other people's experiences to help maintain my strength to continue.  I tried to read people who were better at it than me and avoid people who were not succeeding. I spent endless hours on Pinterest, in the fitness category.  It made me feel like it was possible to win at this.

And finally, I realized that my weight was about more than putting food in my mouth.  Being fat was a symptom of something else, like not being able to handle feelings, or some junk like that.  I took a mindfullness based stress reduction class and learned how to meditate.  I started therapy to try and address the reasons why I ate.  Therapy is why I think I might not fall back into using food for comfort. That, and meditation.  And exercise.

I'm not at the end yet!  But last week when I was 179, I was 10 pounds away from my goal.  Last year, I pooh poohed people who participated in the CDCC when they were so close to goal weight. And now I'm one of them.  I'm still thinking 10 pounds ahead of where I am now - but now that 10 pounds will get me to goal!

Fluids

180.4 this morning.  A lot of eating and drinking in the last few days, and more to come today and tomorrow.  I guess I'm clearing out to get ready to start Allan's challenge.

Yesterday was the racetrack at Saratoga and then the Washington County fair.  I love county fairs! and especially love fried dough, which I haven't had in years. So I split one with someone and that was dinner (as in nothing else for dinner).  Last night was a birthday dinner for a friend in Saratoga at a restaurant that's the good kind, ie, the portions are small, but intensely flavored. Today is another party and tomorrow is a field trip to a distillery in the Hudson Valley south of here.

Next week I'm going to slow down and take some evenings to myself.  I'm camping over the weekend, but looking at Allan's menus, I think I can do them, even while camping.

I got invited to soccer practice Monday after work!  It's a big step forward - a year ago nobody would have considered me for a team because I was 100 pounds overweight. (Nobody considered me for social activities either, but that's another post.)  I won't be good at the soccer, but I sure won't get any better if I don't do it!  One of my big goals is to have a life where movement and exercise is a part of what I do, not something special that I have to set time aside to do.  Soccer with work peeps fits that goal perfectly.  So does working out lunchtimes at the work gym.

Here are some pics from last week's volunteer day for Habitat for Humanity.  I knew that was going to be my workout for the day, so I chose hard stuff to do.  Me and 2 guys went up on the roof to lay the plywood roofing.  After stuff gets glued and the plywood goes down, it needs to get slid into place.  With a sledgehammer.  That's me with the sledgehammer.  By the end of the day they were calling me Thor!

Then we hammer the plywood down.  I had blisters by mid-afternoon, and my knees were killing me.  I felt so in-shape during the day, so it was kinda a shock to see the pictures and notice that my arms and thighs still look big.  I guess they're always going to look big.

And then the group picture, where I frantically tried to comb my hair out with my hands and put on some lipstick.  Gotta try to look pretty for the camera!  It's pictures like this that end up on the company internal website so they can advertise how volunteer-oriented we are.

Finally, to the topic that this post is titled for.  Fluids.  When I get up, I make a pot of tea by putting 6 cups of water into my coffeemaker (I don't drink coffee), with a bag of Twinings English Breakfast tea in the carafe.  Twinings doesn't get bitter, so I don't need to take the bag out.  Coffee cups are 6 ounces, so one pot is 36 ounces.  I drink 2 of these before work.  Then I make another one when I get to work.  That means that most days I've had 3 x 36 ounces = 108 ounces of very weak tea before 10:30 am.  I do put in some light cream for flavor, but it's measured and I count the calories.  In the afternoons, I'll usually have a diet soda.  Yes, the diet soda is bad, but it's low on my list of bad habits to eliminate.  So I'm good on the water front! And it's a habit!

It's been 3 weeks since I've mowed my lawn, so I'm on my way out to tackle it now.  Then I'm going bicycle shopping with a work friend.  We plan to ride at lunchtimes, which will be another way to be more active.  Then later this afternoon is a potluck party.  If I have time this morning, I want to run, but right now the lawn is more important.  I did a free weight potpourri workout yesterday, so if I don't get the running in today, the world doesn't end.  Maybe I can fit it in after shopping and before the party. I'm a slow runner, so it's about an hour for me to run/walk/run/walk 4 miles.

Peace out, y'all!

Not Liking the Math of This

I read Allan's post this morning about starting another challenge and my first thought was, Cool! But then I thought, I only have 15 pounds to lose - 1200 calories per day is not enough for this girl who's in the homestretch of the weight loss thing.  I've lost my desire to suffer so much for the cause.

But then I did the math.  You see, I was busy with social things this weekend and ate too much.  This morning I was 183.0, up 1.5 pounds from 2 days ago.  14 pounds to lose x 3500 calories per pound = 49,000 calories total. 

If I want to be at goal by the end of the year, which is, um, let's say 4 months = 120 days away.  The math says that I must create a deficit of 49,000 calories divided by 120 days = 408 calories per day.  My scale says that my BMR is 1850 calories per day, so I'll have to go down to 1400-ish calories (net) to reach goal for New Year's Eve.

And then I looked at my progress since the beginning of July:
July 10 - 184.6 pounds
July 26 - 183.8
Aug 2 - 181.8
Aug 12 - 183.8
Aug 18 - 181.6
Aug 20 - 183.0

It's the famous gain and lose the same 2 pounds over and over again that I've been doing for the last 2 months! A grand total progress of ONE pound in almost 2 months!  Last week I was below 180 for a moment, and here I am after a nice 3 days of eating right back up at 183.

Allan's challenge starts next Monday.  Weight Wars' challenge starts on September 3rd.  I'm in for both of them and looking forward to the discipline.  Since I have no intention of slowing down on the social life, I'm just going to have to learn (or re-learn) the techniques that will get me to 169 in this lifetime. 

Who's coming along??

Coming up on a Year

I took some progress pictures last night as I went through my clothes (again!) and got rid of the too-big ones.  This time it's the size 16s that are too big.  I went back through my suits and got rid of some 20s and 22s that I just couldn't bear to donate before.  I'm pretty sure now that I'm not going to wear them ever again.  Firstly because I don't wear suits for work any more, and secondly, they are all waaay too big.

August 31st is the one-year anniversary of the first post on this blog.  I was 261 pounds.  This morning I am 181.6 (this week's low was 179.8), for 80 pounds lost in a year.

I put together a clashing outfit of Salvation Army clothes and then realized that I like the way it looks!

These pants are Levis' size 12!  That was my goal - to wear size 12s.  I'm still mostly in 14s, but am wearing Target jeans in size 12 and these Levis.

My starting pics aren't on this computer, but sometime in the next week or so I'll post the comparison shots to show how far I've come.  I weigh what I weighed 15-20 years ago!

I'm still doing a maintain-y - diet-y thing where I'm good most days of the week.  Last night was the first time in *ages* that I binged.  I just had to have nachos, even though I had perfectly good, healthy food at home.  I think it was because some of my friends are beginning to depend on me a little, and I'm uncomfortable with that.  A friend of mine is having brain surgery on Sept 10th and I think I'm going to step up and coordinate a group of us to make sure she always has someone with her for the first month, including food, etc, etc.  I've avoided entanglements like this, but really, it's something I need to do.  For her - and for my growth as a whole person.

Because my weight was only a symptom of what was going on inside me, I'm working with a therapist on  my relationships with people, finding good friends who I can be my real self with, opening up and trusting more, softening and opening my heart, and living in the present.  The therapist happens to be overweight herself, so she "gets" me that way.  Ultimate success in keeping my weight off is going to depend on allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling instead of stuffing it down.  So, yeah, I ate the nachos last night and I'm not down on myself for doing it.  I felt something I couldn't deal with without the help of food. It didn't even occur to me to work out instead of eating.  I understand more about myself today than I did yesterday, which will (maybe) help me avoid the binge next time.

Peace, y'all!

Get Fit, Feel Epic

I'm having a tough day back from camping, feeling very slow and tired, but still needing to get a lot done.  Ran errands, cleaned house, vacuumed the car out, got the dog from boarding, harvested tomatoes, peppers, basil and cucumber from the garden and ... collapsed into a nap.

Up from my nap and after a dinner of steak + salad greens + mandarin oranges + gorgonzola cheese, I'm catching up on blog reading and what do I find at WeightWars, but a challenge starting September 3rd!

It's here!

It's an 8-week challenge and you can win a fitbit!

It's a perfect time to start a challenge.  Fall is coming, I'm ready to tackle the last 10-ish pounds to get down to <170.  Most importantly, I want to get back into running regularly and make working out and exercise a part of my life this fall.  I'll have to set 5 SMART goals and update on progress.  She'll outline all the important stuff at the beginning of the challenge.

I'm so excited!!  The beginning of September will be a year since I started my final weight loss journey.  I was about 264 this time last year.  Now I'm 183-ish!  81 pounds lost in a year, 93 total so far!  Losing the last pounds is completely do-able in 8 weeks of concentrated, focused work - I'm thrilled to have the opportunity! 

Come join me!

Camping Damage

It wasn't bad!  I got back late last night after 10 days of camping and weighed myself this morning at 183.8.  Up 2 pounds from before I left.  I think that's an acceptable amount of damage.

Except for a ton of walking, I didn't exercise at all while I was gone.  I tried to moderate my intake, but as the week went on, I slowly got worse and worse.  This is a group that pops the first beer in the afternoon and the evenings are long and drink-y.  I ate as much as I wanted at dinners, and noticed that most nights I didn't stop when I wasn't hungry any more. I was concerned that the damage would be worse.

My first stop on the way home was to get gas - and fritos - and cashews - and other salty chips.  That's a familiar scenario over the years.  I'm not sure what I want, so I get a little of everything.  The passenger seat is covered with food.  I noticed it (of course, after I bought all that crap), and allowed myself SOME of the food.  I noticed that my belly was full as I was feeding myself chili cheese fritos and managed to put them far-ish away (as far away as one can put something while in a car).  I threw the bags away without eating all of the yummy stuff that's so bad for me.  Small success.

I haven't run in several weeks.  My excuse is that it's steamy hot outside and both of the gyms I can use to work out in air conditioning have broken A/C.  Poor excuse.  Really, I just don't feel like doing it.  I didn't bring running clothes with me camping.  I guess I thought it wouldn't be possible to run.  But many other people did - and so next year I'll bring running gear with me.  I'm giving myself one last day off and I'll get back on the working out bandwagon tomorrow.  The clothes are packed already.

Here's a picture of me taken Friday. The group I was camping with is a medieval reenactment crowd, so I'm dressed in a faux middle ages thing, wearing a red sash as a chirurgeon (first aid person) waiting for a battle to start. 

Peace y'all!

Dropped Off

We've all kinda dropped off from blogging lately.  I hope it doesn't mean anything about weight!  For me, it's mostly because they changed our security settings from work and I can't look at or post pictures, or comment on any blogs.  Also, I've been busy!  Doing work on my house and having a social life.

181.8 this morning. I'm getting used to my new body, realizing that this is probably what it's going to be.  My final goal is <170, and I'm gonna keep trying for that.  I'm doing this weird combination of dieting and not dieting - most days I do pretty well, but about 2 nights a week there's restaurant meals where I have zero self control.  Those two meals pretty much blow the other 5 days of doing great.  I'm still losing, but slooowly.  I think I'll do a big push in the fall to get to 170 by the end of the year.

But I'm realizing that I look pretty OK now! Compared to what I looked like when I was 94 pounds heavier, you can't even see the last 12 pounds.  I'm getting used to the fact that I look like a normal person now.

I started this journey on September 1 last year!  I was 260-ish and desperate and somehow found Princess Dieter's blog (from a comment she made on a science-y weight loss blog).  I had no idea there were weight loss bloggers.  I'd never heard of a challenge.  I so, so, so, so so, so, so wanted Mir to let me be in the Christmas Dress Challenge, and she did!  And that was it!  That was the thing that made it finally work for me. I was 225 at Christmas, 200 at the end of the Easter challenge and now I'm 181.8.

I'm beginning to differentiate the feelings that make me want to stuff my face when I'm not hungry.  Understand is too strong a word, but I can at least see it happening now and don't mistake stuffing myself for taking care of myself. 

Next steps: keep on keeping on.  Continue to make exercise a part of my normal life.  I'm going on a 10-day camping trip tomorrow and I'm not terrified that I'm going to come back 10 pounds heavier.  We'll see how it goes, and I'll let you know.

Until then, peace y'all!

Thursday

I wrote a post about a week ago and it's not up because they changed our internet security settings and I can't attach pictures from work any more. I meant to add the pics from home, but haven't gotten to it in a week.  It's time to let that post go and write another one, just to keep in touch.

183.8 this morning.  I was up 5 pounds last week because of a lot of socializing and eating out and lack of self control around carbs.  I was worried that I was back to my old eating habits, but I was good over the weekend and this week so far and I'm close to my lowest of 183.2 last week.  I've only lost 10 pounds in the last 3 months, but I'll take it!  I'm still losing!  I'm less than 15 pounds away from my goal!  90+ pounds gone for good!

I haven't been exercising as much because I'm freakin' busy (!), and it's freakin' hot (!!).  It means I have to eat even less in order to stay stable or go down a little, but that's not sacrifice.  It's a choice.  Exercise and get to eat the calories or don't exercise and don't get to eat as much.  Period.

I'm glad Allan is blogging again.  I'm endlessly thankful that I was finally able to move past my 15 years of struggling with my weight but not losing and *finally* made it over the hump.  I remember the justifications I used to make so that I could eat fettucini alfredo and drink bunches day after day. I remember feeling helpless and out of control at 276 pounds, while I ate enough calories to stay stable.  I don't know exactly what changed at the beginning of September last year, but something clicked and the last 10 months and 92 pounds have been easy, relatively speaking. Oh, the physical work of counting calories, planning food, planning exercise, etc were very hard, don't get me wrong - but the emotional part of it was easy.  I finally made myself a priority, started to take care of myself, and the rest was really very easy.

I don't ever want to go back to the helpless, fat person I was.  Reading Allan's blog as he highlights the same behavior in others that I used to do, reminds me how foreign that thought process is to me now. I hope it stays foreign!

Yay Monday!

Not so much. 184.6 this morning.  Still going slowly down!  I can't remember what I ended the Eve to Easter challenge at, but I think it was 198 or something just under 200.

My mother was staying with me for the last 10 days and I did OK, (not great) while she was here.  She's very supportive, so the only reason I ate more than I wanted to was because her foods were in the house and I don't have very much self control.  I did successfully throw away some mac and cheese and some icing that I knew would end up in my belly.  I'd rather waste a few bucks on food than re-lose this weight.

In a small way it is nice to get back to my routine.  My social life is taking off and my lack of self control is a little scary - last night a group of us were eating dinner that someone made and it was good!  I caught myself eating 3 (three!) pieces of spice bread.  I'm so familiar with longingly looking at bread and the looks at other people, "is anyone going to eat the last few pieces?"  I was the only one that ate 3 pieces of bread, but then I was the only fat girl at the table. Or rather former fat girl.

The whole FWB thing with Dude isn't really working for me.  He still gets too much real estate in my head and my life isn't better for having him in it.  But I'm still a little attached and not ready to cut the string.  I'm focusing on strengthening my relationships with other friends and hoping that soon my head will be so full of good times with friends that Dude will get pushed out. I.e, I'll stop caring one way or the other what Dude is doing.  It's definitely taking longer to get to the point of not caring than if I had just cut it off cleanly a month ago.

A few people have said that I look like I don't need to lose more weight - but I'm afraid to let myself eat more.  I'm doing really well for the first half of the day, and most days of the week I'm doing OK at dinner.  But 2-3-4 evenings a week are something social and all bets are off.  My only saving grace is that I ate well earlier in the day.  I could probably maintain eating this way forever... It is working for me.  I'm running about 3x a week and have increased my distance to 2 miles without walking, and using about 450 calories per workout, 4 miles total. I want to get to be able to run 3 miles without stopping - but I really want to become more athletic, like playing on a soccer team or a field hockey team.  That way exercise is just part of my life instead of something special. Plus - I get out and meet people, like maybe a future Mr Right!

Peace out, y'all!

Picture Day

186 this morning.  I've lost about 4 pounds in the last month.  Not moving fast compared to the 10 pounds a month I was doing in my losing phase, but generally moving in the right direction.  I'm OK with that.  I LOVE being able to feel my hips when I lay down.  I LOVE being able to really cross my legs.  Over the weekend I saw my aunt and uncle for the first time in 2 years - they're amazed at how I look.  When I said that I have about 20 pounds to go, they said I looked like I can stop losing now.  That felt good!

Even though my final goal is 17 pounds away, I am currently at the weight I was able to maintain successfully for years (from 1992-ish through 1997-ish).

The last few weeks have had some picture opportunities - so here they are:

I'm the one on the green shirt on the far right (with the big glasses)

I'm hanging with thin people and not feeling out of place! The girls said that my mismatched board short bathing suit (below) looked fine and like it was meant to look that way.  I think they were just being nice because my suit is obviously a Salvation Army special. No human that I'm not sleeping with is ever going to see my rippled formerly huge thighs!

And finally - this showed up on my Yahoomail login screen.  So funny!  The creepy internet stalker program knows I'm a girl and somehow knows about my interest in firefighting (!!  ??) - yoo hoo stalker program - it's because I AM a firefighter, not because I want to DO a firefighter!  (well... hm)

Friday Update

They changed our internet settings at work and now I can't blog from work.  I can't really complain since I'm supposed to be, um... working ... at work, instead of blogging.  Looks like my updates are going to be less frequent. 

Things are looking pretty good these days.  My emotional rollercoaster has calmed down recently - I wish I knew how much of it is/was hormones or chemical vs real stress.  I didn't meditate as much as I should, but I clung to exercise like it was my life preserver and I ate OK, mostly.  So I mostly stayed below 190, and the last few days have really been moving in the right direction.  185.4 this morning.

I've been wavering - should I work on maintaining, or should I try to lose to get to 170?  I've been more maintain-y than lose-y, and have been a little scared by my eating behavior.  No binges, per se, but I have had a complete lack of control at social events that feature potato salad, macaroni salad, cookies, cheeseburgers, etc, etc.  Any social event, really.  Every single one of those weight spikes in the last month have been because I ignored all the healthy eating behaviors, all the techniques that I know work.  I tried to eat like a normal person.

Here's what I learned from that.  I can't eat like a normal person.  I can't take as much as I want of everything that I want.  I need to have a "rule" to take the place of me deciding what to eat.  Here's what I'm going to try.  I can have potato salad or macaroni salad, but only a tablespoon or so.  That's  plenty for me to get a taste and have the salad "experience," without completely blowing my daily calories out of the water. Same with other creamy things.  For brownies and other dessert-y things.  Half.  I can have half of one piece. Veggies and fruits are basically free.  I can eat as much as I want.  Meats are mostly free, since they're loaded with protein, as long as they don't have creamy, cheesy stuff on top and as long as they're not fatty burgers.


For an update on the other issue I've been writing about - me and Dude got together, chatted about stuff and decided to try the FWB thing.  It's been a week and honestly, it feels better than when we were together.  There's much more space and less contact.  I feel like this is where we should have been a long time ago.  I know these things don't often work out well, but I'm working on making sure I keep my focus on things that add to my life, primarily cultivating friendships.  It's nice to have Dude not be a source of stress and uncertainty, at least for now anyway.

Thursday

188.4 this morning.  Still working off everything I ate last week.

A few things I read today are striking me pretty hard.  They both made me cry:

First, from A Small Loss, Mary writing about good it was to spend time with a good friend:  it's easy to forget what it feels like to be hungry - truly physically hungry, in need of fuel and energy ... not emotionally hungry and in need of love, comfort, support, whatever else

Next, from a new blog I discovered, called Deconstructing Yourself:
In mindfulness meditation we observe and explore our experience without trying to control, manipulate, or change it. One the first big insights for many of us is how much we try to control every aspect of our life. Everything from our relationships (and the people we have them with), to our bodily functions, to our meditation practice. There is control in the protective way we hunch our shoulders or tighten our jaw. There is control in the ways we hold back with the ones we love. Meditation reveals this to us and then gives us tools to deconstruct all the reasons we are holding on so tightly. Eventually the reasons matter less and less and we can truly begin to trust the process of being human. We see that the control we thought we had was imaginary anyway. That can be scary and even heartbreaking, but slowly it becomes a freedom that is complete and unconditional.

I know I feel bad.  The last month has been especially bad, but I think it started earlier.  The proof is the knots in my stomach and my inability to focus on anything constructive.  My rehashing of stuff and trying to figure out, What. Is. Going. On., when logically, my life is fine.  There's nothing really wrong ... except the knots in my stomach and a constant feeling of being on edge and tense.

So here it is.  It's control.  It's me trying to control stuff that can't be controlled.  It's me trying to figure stuff out. 

Again, from Deconstructing Yourself:
As you listen to the waves of mental talk, without interfering or getting stuck in the story, you will find it less necessary to defend yourself or to have the last word. You will be less susceptible to the urge to figure it all out. By letting go of the need to control everything, you will begin to touch into real freedom.
This freedom is not to be mistaken with apathy or laziness. There is a huge difference between not caring about anything and having acceptance with everything.  Letting go of control does not mean all your dreams and goals will magically manifest with no effort on your part. It will simply become clearer where you should direct your time and attention. The space that opens when you stop being so driven, creates energy and insight for the things that really matter to you.

Dude is trying to step back into my life, but I don't know what he's looking for (yet).  I've been trying to figure it out all week.  Going through all the options, possibilities, outcomes, imaginary conversations.  I've been trying to figure out what I feel, what I want to say.  I'm pretty wrapped and twisted around.

Then, today, I think I figured it out.  I've been looking past the tenseness and the knots in my stomach to try and figure out what I feel, but that's it.  They ARE how I feel. 

I didn't have the space to realize it until I spent last evening with some friends and relaxed, really relaxed, for a few hours.  I have 2 things coming up this weekend that I'm looking forward to, and 1 thing that I feel tense about.  You guessed it - Friday evening with Dude is the thing I feel tense about.

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I do know how I feel now. I can be happy about that, even if I'm not happy with much else.  A lot of good things come from awareness. It's a good place to start.

What I'm Afraid of

188.6 this morning - 1-1/2 pounds of last week's excess came off.

Here's a picture from April's fire.  I'm the only girl, at the fire and in the department. You can't tell in the picture, but my pants are hiked up because they kept falling down.

I ran/walked 3 miles at lunchtime yesterday, meditated for 15 minutes after work and went to fire drill after having a shrimp and salad dinner.  I've been avoiding fire drill for most of this year because some of the firefighters in my volunteer department are assholes and I don't enjoy spending time around them.  It wasn't so bad last night.

One of the things I like about being a volunteer firefighter is that when I'm there, I don't have this constant judgement in my head about what I "should" be doing to move myself towards the life I want.  When I'm doing firefighting stuff I'm present, in the moment.  The judging voice in my head is off. 

I woke up this morning more peaceful than I've been in a month, which is to say, about 1/3 as peaceful as I can be, just not completely upset and sad today - which is progress. It's funny how the only thing that changes in my life is how I look at it, and things can swing from hopeless and terrible to pretty OK, and then back to crappy.

Drazil wrote a list of the things that scare her and then challenged us to try it.  So I did. I don't like this exercise, but I'm gonna do it.  Maybe writing my fears will help me let go of them:

- I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and die alone.  I'm afraid that there's something inside me that's afraid of letting people be close to me.  I'm afraid that I push people away without realizing it, even though my greatest wish is to be part of a loving family. Love and loss are tied so closely together for me  that I can't think of being in love without also thinking about the end of love.  I want laughter and energy and people in my life, not this poopy kind of alone, tense sadness.

- I'm afraid that the lyme disease I had last summer messed with my head and I'm not a happy person any more. I'm afraid I'm going to go through the rest of my life being a sad, downer person just faking being happy so people will like me. I'm afraid I'm never going to feel pure joy again.

- I'm afraid this summer is going to end up being the second sad/bad summer in a row.

- I'm afraid I'm going to regain all my weight so that in addition to being sad and alone, I'll be fat.

- I'm afraid of financial ruin - there's not much slack in my financial life, and I'm nervous about it every day.

Yuck!! That exercise stinks! Now my fears are out there like the stinking blobs of crap that they are.  Time to move away from those bad vibes! They are not helping at all!!

Anyway - I get lost in this being down and some voice inside me says, Must Get Moving.  Must Do Something. Find people.  I'm struggling. I know the tools and I'm hanging on to them like they're keeping me from drowning.  But I'm not stuffing fettucini alfredo in my pie hole - today.  I'm exercising.  I'm thinking about meditating.  I'm eating the right things in the right amounts.  Maybe this is what it feels like to feel my feelings.  It sucks. I heard a rumor that after I feel my feelings, they go away. That would be nice.

Monday Monday

190.2 this morning

Last week was a total fail on the diet front.  Well, let me clarify - I worked out OK.  But I ate like a fat person.

For exercise, Monday was 18 holes of golf with a cart, Tuesday was elliptical for 30 minutes and some weights, Wednesday was 9 holes of golf pulling a cart, and Thursday was 45 minutes of weight machines.  Saturday and Sunday were yard work involving a tiller and a weed wacker and boy are my arms sore.

But the food.  Argh - it was awful.  I mean it was good.  Awful.

The golf Monday had free food and drink.  I already wrote about what I ate and drank.  A lot.  I was up 3 pounds Tuesday morning.  Wednesday after golf I had nachos and red wine.  Thursday was 2 food-related social activities after work.  I had waffle fries, fried pickles and 2 drinky-poos at the first one, and I had dessert at the second one, chocolate cake with chocolate sauce and ice cream.  Friday was out to lunch with coworkers for 4 mini hot dogs with chili and onions and then a happy hour after work for 2+ beers and some ahi tuna.

Yesterday was the worst.  I was invited to a Father's Day BBQ where they usually serve food about 1 or 2.  So I had breakfast at noon, figuring I'd go full and not eat/drink so much.  Except the food wasn't ready until 4:30 and by then I was starving!  So it was pretzels with onion dip, deviled eggs, macaroni salad, potato salad and then - after my stomach was uncomfortably full, I had a hot dog that wasn't even very good!  I bought beer and didn't even buy Bud Light.  I bought full calorie Buweiser!

I remember fleeting thoughts about, "this isn't good for you Jordan," but I ignored them.

So, it wasn't just one fail.  It was a string of 7 social occasions where I showed exactly ZERO restraint.  C'mon - in what universe do I need dessert after eating waffle fries with cheese and fried pickles??  It's the same thought process that got me to 276 pounds 2 years ago.

Here's what I'm thinking about:

- What the effing hell happened???  For 9 months I was focused on the greater good of Jordan and had NO problem controlling my intake.  Now I'm like a human vacuum cleaner for food.  Are there emotions going on that I'm trying to stuff?  Well, I'm successfully stuffing them because I have no idea.
- This is a perfect time to meditate, except I keep putting it off in favor of doing yard work or some other kind of work. Also a sign that I'm avoiding something.

- Last week I tried to make workouts a part of my normal life, but I don't think it worked.  First off, I don't love golf that much, and second off, it doesn't feel like I worked out.  I think it'd be better if I set aside time, change clothes, sweat a bunch and then it's over.  Then I'll know that I worked out and maybe I'll feel more inclined to honor my body with good food as well.  I don't get the endorphins when I don't do intense work.  I didn't run at all last week, which may have a little bit to do with the downward trend of my emotions.

- Weeks like last week don't happen very often.  I don't want to play golf even once a week, much less twice.  Once every few weeks is enough golf for me. Most weeks will only have 2-3 social/food events, not 7. I think part of my failure is that I was overwhelmed.  I know all the mechanisms for safe/healthy eating out.  I just need to care enough and have enough emotional energy to apply them.

So - I ran at lunchtime.  I went to the grocery store to stock up on good stuff for the fridge.  I'm going to make time to meditate within the next hour.  I know what I need to do - the tough part is translating that knowledge into action!  All the pieces are there.  It's up to me to put them together.

Old Brain - New Brain

Now that I'm single again, I'm thinking about what I should do more and what I should do less of. 

I'm looking at meetup groups I'm in, some that I've never done anything with (hiking with dogs group, runners group), others I've done lots with (beer drinkers group, photography group).  Every group I'm involved with has upcoming activities; a beer meetup happy hour on Friday, a long, hilly dog-hike on Saturday, trail running on Thursdays, or happy hour with the girls, or dance practice followed by dinner. 

Unfortunately, there's too much to do during the week - I have to skip about half of the stuff that's going on (like I have drill at the firehouse on Mondays, so have to skip Monday trailrunning). I wish some of this stuff would move to weekends when I'm wide open.  I'm considering going on a long mountain hike with the dog-hiking group vs going to a happy hour with the beer group.

My old brain is saying, "the hike might be too hard.  I'll be hot and sweaty and 3 hours will be awful if my dog acts up.  The beer happy hours are enjoyable and not much commitment.  I already know the beer people and if I go on the dog hike, I'll have to meet a whole new group of people."

My new brain is saying, "I want to be around healthy, active people.  That will help push me into more activity in my life, and maybe I'll meet a new friend or a new potential partner."

It's likely that I'll wait until there's a shorter hike to introduce my dog to hiking with other people and other dogs.   But I'm glad I'm thinking like this.  It's not enough to find things to do where I can meet new people.  I also have to consider whether these things are going to support the lifestyle I want to be leading; a healthy, active lifestyle where physical activity is part of day-to-day life, not saved for special occasions.

Being Inefficient

189.4 this morning - gained 3 pounds yesterday.

I participated in a charity golf tournament yesterday afternoon.  My company wanted to field an all-woman team and I'm so happy that the leader thought to invite me! It's not because I'm a good golfer, haha!  I'm guessing it was about the company. That's me on the right.  The shirt is a 12-petite. The pants are size 16.  I was still the biggest of the group, but I don't feel like people would have called me the "big girl."

MFP says that 18 holes of golf with a cart burns 1500 calories, which is crazy too much.  I estimated it would burn 750-800 calories, so I didn't worry about what I ate or drank.  That was dumb of me, because I ate like a starving person; several beers, beer pretzel, cheetos, multiple hotdogs for lunch, multiple chicken parmesans for dinner, high fat salad dressing, all topped off with ... dessert.  So really, I earned the extra pounds. Even if I did eat 5,000 calories of stuff, the real weight gain is 1-1/2 pounds.  Normal people eat less for a few days after something like this, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Last week when I was golfing, I noticed that the ladies that were fat were the ones that took every opportunity to do less work.  To use a cart when they could walk, for example.  So I resolved to be the other way. I resolved to bend down and pick up my ball instead of using the club to hoist the ball.  To walk and get my ball instead of letting other people do it.  I resolved to be inefficient.  Do more physical work in the course of doing my normal stuff.  I think inefficient people burn more calories.

Two other notes from yesterday:

- The first part of the day was tough for me.  Everything still reminds me that I'm single now, so it was a stream of downer thoughts and not a good time.  I was able to eventually forget a little and had somewhat of a good time towards the end.  It's just a time thing now. Time goes by and things will get better.

- I told my cart partner, a coworker that's been maried for 46 years, why I've been a little down at work lately.  She commented that it's hard for her to imagine and I started about how I did NOT want to be in this place of being alone at my age.  It surprised me how negative I was about the whole thing.  (Well, actually it didn't surprise me.)

Problem is - I believe that we attract what we think about.  See the header for this blog.  In being so negative, I'm attracting more negativity into my world.  My horoscope for this morning said something similar:
If you want to start feeling good (and get someone else to feel good), you have to just start smiling. Focusing on what you don't have instead of enjoying what you do have is one way to guarantee that you won't be as happy as you could be.
Point made.  Time is doing it's magical thing.  I'm better now than I was yesterday. Tomorrow will be better still.  For example - I gained 3 pounds and I'm still under 190.  How great is that??? 

Monday Math

186.6 this morning.

The Mantis tiller started up like a champ, even with old gas.  I tilled and moved dirt and gravel for most of the day.  I'm sad and tense about stuff, but the physical labor helped clear my mind.  It also helped that Dude hasn't called since Thursday.  I get that I have to go through a sad time, but crap... just, crap.

Warning - geeky math stuff coming up...

I've been wondering what my metabolism is these days.  So I whipped up a little spreadsheet.  (I hate that in the transition from Excel to Blogger, the column headings all moved! The column headings are for how the weight is changing, and go from 0 pounds per week (maintaining) to 1 pound per week losing.)

	Pounds Lost per Week
Eating	0	0.25	0.5	0.75	1
1200	1,057	1,182	1,307	1,432	1,557
1300	1,157	1,282	1,407	1,532	1,657
1400	1,257	1,382	1,507	1,632	1,757
1500	1,357	1,482	1,607	1,732	1,857
1600	1,457	1,582	1,707	1,832	1,957
1700	1,557	1,682	1,807	1,932	2,057
1800	1,657	1,782	1,907	2,032	2,157

This spreadsheet includes 1000 calories a week of exercise!

Here's how to read it:
I'm losing about 1/2 to 1 pound per week, average, eating about 1500 calories per day.  Find 1500 calories per day on the left column and then go across to read the numbers under 0.5 and 1.  That puts my metabolism somewhere around 1600-1850 calories per day.

This is a measurement over time, like weeks or months. As long as I do 1000 calories of exercise every week and keep my average consumption below 1600 calories a day, I should continue to slowly lose weight.

(There's lots of caveats. I need to eat a variety of food and do a variety of exercise to keep my body on it's toes and prevent it from getting too efficient.  I need to actually track calories, not estimate, because portion sizes *will* creep up.)

I hope you all are looking at awesome weeks!  My horoscope says that my emotional life will be getting more peaceful, so I'm hoping this week will be better than the last 2 were. Peace y'all!

Sunday

187.2 this morning, so I'm doing OK on the weight front.  Still going down, slowly.  I've been trying to get some exercise in most days of the week, but being less formal about tracking it.  Ran twice last week, played 9 holes of golf and did a little weights, so 4 workouts last week.  My plantar fasciitis has come back, in my right heel this time, so I think I'm going to have to take it easy on the running for a little while.

This is my first weekend without Dude and it's a sad one.  The last week and a half, I think I was trying to make things be different than they are.  Now I'm finally mourning the loss.  I had gone right back on OKCupid and was emailing with a few guys.  I met one of them yesterday and as I was driving to meet him I realized that I Am Just Not Ready. I didn't mention it to him, but it felt like a very long hour.  I just sent him the downer email and feel like crap about that.  I think I'm going to hide my profile again and and focus on finding the happy person that hugs my dog and says, "Hello World" every morning.  Not this sad person that says, "Ugh, another day."

I spent some time yesterday trying to think of something to look forward to. I had thought this was going to be a kick-ass summer before the rug got pulled out.  Thankfully, I did come up with something.  I had so much fun with the people I camped with over Memorial Day weekend that I'm connecting more with them.  They do stuff every week and I feel comfortable and happy with them.

This is also going to be the summer that I reconnect (again) with what *I* like to do and what *I* enjoy.  It's hard to believe that I can be 46 and not remember what it is exactly, that I like to do, what makes the time fly, but it's true.  I had been starting that over the winter, but then dumped it all when I had someone nice to spend time with. 

It's cliche to say "do the things you like and be happy and the right people will enter your life," but I know it's true. It's sunny right now and time to try and get the Mantis started for a little roto tilling.  Then I'm going to try and get the weed wacker started and do some of that.  If successful, that will be my exercise for today. Fingers crossed...

Peace

187.4 this morning.  A new low!

I worked from home this morning and being away from noisy coworkers helped a ton.  I got somewhat caught up and then worked out my finances for the rest of the month.  It looks like I'll be OK this month.  Those 2 things combined to make me feel pretty OK, and I'm feeling somewhat peaceful now.

Rather than focus on what I lack and what I'm NOT doing, I want to write a bit about what is going right in my life - specifically weight-and health-wise.

The last time I was 187 pounds was 15 years ago, I was married and it was 1997. The last time I was this healthy was 15 years ago.

I'm exactly in the middle of the Overweight range (per the BMI charts).  If I lose 17 more pounds, I'll be normal weight.  The last time I was normal weight was about 20 years ago and I was in my early 20s.  The cool thing is - I look good and feel good now!  I'm 89 pounds below my highest weight!

Over Christmas holiday I was 225 pounds, struggled with C25K week 2, running 90 seconds at a time.  yesterday I ran a 12-minute mile, then walked a little, ran another 12 minute mile, walked, and then ran 6 minutes, for 30 minutes of running in a 45-minute workout.

The fat guys at the firehouse are asking how I did it. Ha ha!

I could focus on how hard the next 17 pounds is going to be - or I could take a moment and feel pretty good about what I've done. My life might not be where I want it to be, but darned it, I keep forgetting that I'm light years ahead of last year, and things really aren't as bad as they sometimes seem.

Monday

188.2 this morning. I was 187.8 yesterday morning - a new low! A month ago, I was at 190.5, so my loss has drastically slowed down - only 2.3 pounds in the last month. If I had been keeping track of my intake in MFP, I'd be able to calculate my maintenance calories.  Boo!

I read about the new challenge that Julie is joining and it sounds really neat!  I thought seriously about trying to get into it a day late, but then realized that my head isn't really into a challenge right now.  Weight loss was my number one priority last fall, so it was easy to maintain the discipline (and it didn't take as much discipline because I was so overweight).  Now, I'm only 18 pounds away from my goal. And really, the world won't end if I never make it to 170 pounds.  

I've been sliding a little on exercise and completely dropped the meditation practice. After the dumpage and the horrible week I had last week, I want to focus on things besides weight loss - strengthening my support network of friends, bringing meditation back into my life, and regularizing my exercise.  Last fall was about healthy me.  Now I'm working on happy me - while maintaining healthy me.

I had a weird weekend.  I went to see the Avengers on Friday just to keep myself busy and away from thinking.  The meditation retreat Saturday morning/afternoon was a total fail. I'm too freakin preoccupied to be present in the moment.  Then I came home to some bad financial news and within 30 seconds had called Dude to see if he wanted to do something. He did, and we went to see Men In Black III and had dinner.  As friends.  (FYI: MIBIII > Avengers in my opinion.)  The evening was weird for me in a not-good, bad way. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride yesterday before our planned yard work.  Yup. I did - and we did. So I spent 11 hours with him yesterday.  I gotta tell you - not touching someone you care about deeply is tough.

I don't know how I feel about it all.  I so much want things to be different than they are, but can't say that I want them to go back to what they were.  Even if it was my magical world and I could control everything in it.  Fact is, I have no control over this.  The only thing I can do is let go of trying to control Dude and how he feels, and focus on me and how I feel.  Everything I need to be happy is already in my world, Dude or not.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat. Control the things I can control and let go of the rest.

Friday

189.8 this morning, up 0.6 lbs.  Yesterday was a TERRIBLE eating day.  After my normal breakfast, I led a meeting at lunchtime that featured pizza (2 slices).  Then met Dude after work for 20 ounces of beer and some cheese.  Then met some friends later for dinner (appetizer sampler and diet coke). 

I've been tense and distracted and stressed out for most of the month.  Weird and yukky things happen when I'm in this state.  Last week I washed a pen with 5 of my favorite shirts, ruining them all, along with the pen.  I knocked over a full cup of tea the same day - you guys might remember that a full cup of tea for me is 36 ounces!  All over the kitchen counter, papers, etc, etc.  A lot of stuff now sticky and brown.  Then yesterday I left my wallet at home, which is not helpful when I had to order 5 large pizzas. Especially since I realized it at 10:45 when I went to order the pizza, too late to go home and get the wallet.  I punted and it worked out OK, but these aren't accidents - they're symptoms of stress.

The conversation with Dude went better than I expected. I think it was one of the first really honest and open talks we've ever had. The first time we both really listened to each other without preconceived ideas or hedging what we said or defensiveness.  He may have been the one to do the dumping, but I was going in that direction myself.  I learned the real reason and while I'm not happy, there is enough peace in knowing.

We're still apart, but he really wants to be friends and I think I'm going to give him a chance - being careful to honor how I feel.  If I feel comfortable, good; uncomfortable or sad or unhappy or tense, bad. Just in case I'm not actually feeling that feeling, an urge to stuff my face = signal that I'm not feeling good. 

The trial will be Sunday.  He's coming over to help me move about 2 yards of dirt and gravel, so even if I'm uncomfortable, needed work will be done and it won't be a total loss.  If I'm feeling bad ahead of time, I can cancel.

The problem is that I still have strong feelings for the guy.  Rather than try and change things, I'm going to try, really, really hard to look at this as a gift from the universe. Things are this way for a reason.  It's an opportunity to practice not overthinking things (for once).  To practice my meditation and acceptance skills.  Good thing I have a meditation retreat tomorrow! I want to spend time thinking about joy and thinking about how joy doesn't come from someone else, and connect with the joy I know is inside me somewhere - even if it's very small.