187.2 this morning, so I'm doing OK on the weight front. Still going down, slowly. I've been trying to get some exercise in most days of the week, but being less formal about tracking it. Ran twice last week, played 9 holes of golf and did a little weights, so 4 workouts last week. My plantar fasciitis has come back, in my right heel this time, so I think I'm going to have to take it easy on the running for a little while.
This is my first weekend without Dude and it's a sad one. The last week and a half, I think I was trying to make things be different than they are. Now I'm finally mourning the loss. I had gone right back on OKCupid and was emailing with a few guys. I met one of them yesterday and as I was driving to meet him I realized that I Am Just Not Ready. I didn't mention it to him, but it felt like a very long hour. I just sent him the downer email and feel like crap about that. I think I'm going to hide my profile again and and focus on finding the happy person that hugs my dog and says, "Hello World" every morning. Not this sad person that says, "Ugh, another day."
I spent some time yesterday trying to think of something to look forward to. I had thought this was going to be a kick-ass summer before the rug got pulled out. Thankfully, I did come up with something. I had so much fun with the people I camped with over Memorial Day weekend that I'm connecting more with them. They do stuff every week and I feel comfortable and happy with them.
This is also going to be the summer that I reconnect (again) with what *I* like to do and what *I* enjoy. It's hard to believe that I can be 46 and not remember what it is exactly, that I like to do, what makes the time fly, but it's true. I had been starting that over the winter, but then dumped it all when I had someone nice to spend time with.
It's cliche to say "do the things you like and be happy and the right people will enter your life," but I know it's true. It's sunny right now and time to try and get the Mantis started for a little roto tilling. Then I'm going to try and get the weed wacker started and do some of that. If successful, that will be my exercise for today. Fingers crossed...
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Peace
187.4 this morning. A new low!
I worked from home this morning and being away from noisy coworkers helped a ton. I got somewhat caught up and then worked out my finances for the rest of the month. It looks like I'll be OK this month. Those 2 things combined to make me feel pretty OK, and I'm feeling somewhat peaceful now.
Rather than focus on what I lack and what I'm NOT doing, I want to write a bit about what is going right in my life - specifically weight-and health-wise.
The last time I was 187 pounds was 15 years ago, I was married and it was 1997. The last time I was this healthy was 15 years ago.
I'm exactly in the middle of the Overweight range (per the BMI charts). If I lose 17 more pounds, I'll be normal weight. The last time I was normal weight was about 20 years ago and I was in my early 20s. The cool thing is - I look good and feel good now! I'm 89 pounds below my highest weight!
Over Christmas holiday I was 225 pounds, struggled with C25K week 2, running 90 seconds at a time. yesterday I ran a 12-minute mile, then walked a little, ran another 12 minute mile, walked, and then ran 6 minutes, for 30 minutes of running in a 45-minute workout.
The fat guys at the firehouse are asking how I did it. Ha ha!
I could focus on how hard the next 17 pounds is going to be - or I could take a moment and feel pretty good about what I've done. My life might not be where I want it to be, but darned it, I keep forgetting that I'm light years ahead of last year, and things really aren't as bad as they sometimes seem.
I worked from home this morning and being away from noisy coworkers helped a ton. I got somewhat caught up and then worked out my finances for the rest of the month. It looks like I'll be OK this month. Those 2 things combined to make me feel pretty OK, and I'm feeling somewhat peaceful now.
Rather than focus on what I lack and what I'm NOT doing, I want to write a bit about what is going right in my life - specifically weight-and health-wise.
The last time I was 187 pounds was 15 years ago, I was married and it was 1997. The last time I was this healthy was 15 years ago.
I'm exactly in the middle of the Overweight range (per the BMI charts). If I lose 17 more pounds, I'll be normal weight. The last time I was normal weight was about 20 years ago and I was in my early 20s. The cool thing is - I look good and feel good now! I'm 89 pounds below my highest weight!
Over Christmas holiday I was 225 pounds, struggled with C25K week 2, running 90 seconds at a time. yesterday I ran a 12-minute mile, then walked a little, ran another 12 minute mile, walked, and then ran 6 minutes, for 30 minutes of running in a 45-minute workout.
The fat guys at the firehouse are asking how I did it. Ha ha!
I could focus on how hard the next 17 pounds is going to be - or I could take a moment and feel pretty good about what I've done. My life might not be where I want it to be, but darned it, I keep forgetting that I'm light years ahead of last year, and things really aren't as bad as they sometimes seem.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Monday
188.2 this morning. I was 187.8 yesterday morning - a new low! A month ago, I was at 190.5, so my loss has drastically slowed down - only 2.3 pounds in the last month. If I had been keeping track of my intake in MFP, I'd be able to calculate my maintenance calories. Boo!
I read about the new challenge that Julie is joining and it sounds really neat! I thought seriously about trying to get into it a day late, but then realized that my head isn't really into a challenge right now. Weight loss was my number one priority last fall, so it was easy to maintain the discipline (and it didn't take as much discipline because I was so overweight). Now, I'm only 18 pounds away from my goal. And really, the world won't end if I never make it to 170 pounds.
I've been sliding a little on exercise and completely dropped the meditation practice. After the dumpage and the horrible week I had last week, I want to focus on things besides weight loss - strengthening my support network of friends, bringing meditation back into my life, and regularizing my exercise. Last fall was about healthy me. Now I'm working on happy me - while maintaining healthy me.
I had a weird weekend. I went to see the Avengers on Friday just to keep myself busy and away from thinking. The meditation retreat Saturday morning/afternoon was a total fail. I'm too freakin preoccupied to be present in the moment. Then I came home to some bad financial news and within 30 seconds had called Dude to see if he wanted to do something. He did, and we went to see Men In Black III and had dinner. As friends. (FYI: MIBIII > Avengers in my opinion.) The evening was weird for me in a not-good, bad way. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride yesterday before our planned yard work. Yup. I did - and we did. So I spent 11 hours with him yesterday. I gotta tell you - not touching someone you care about deeply is tough.
I don't know how I feel about it all. I so much want things to be different than they are, but can't say that I want them to go back to what they were. Even if it was my magical world and I could control everything in it. Fact is, I have no control over this. The only thing I can do is let go of trying to control Dude and how he feels, and focus on me and how I feel. Everything I need to be happy is already in my world, Dude or not. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Control the things I can control and let go of the rest.
I read about the new challenge that Julie is joining and it sounds really neat! I thought seriously about trying to get into it a day late, but then realized that my head isn't really into a challenge right now. Weight loss was my number one priority last fall, so it was easy to maintain the discipline (and it didn't take as much discipline because I was so overweight). Now, I'm only 18 pounds away from my goal. And really, the world won't end if I never make it to 170 pounds.
I've been sliding a little on exercise and completely dropped the meditation practice. After the dumpage and the horrible week I had last week, I want to focus on things besides weight loss - strengthening my support network of friends, bringing meditation back into my life, and regularizing my exercise. Last fall was about healthy me. Now I'm working on happy me - while maintaining healthy me.
I had a weird weekend. I went to see the Avengers on Friday just to keep myself busy and away from thinking. The meditation retreat Saturday morning/afternoon was a total fail. I'm too freakin preoccupied to be present in the moment. Then I came home to some bad financial news and within 30 seconds had called Dude to see if he wanted to do something. He did, and we went to see Men In Black III and had dinner. As friends. (FYI: MIBIII > Avengers in my opinion.) The evening was weird for me in a not-good, bad way. Then he asked if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride yesterday before our planned yard work. Yup. I did - and we did. So I spent 11 hours with him yesterday. I gotta tell you - not touching someone you care about deeply is tough.
I don't know how I feel about it all. I so much want things to be different than they are, but can't say that I want them to go back to what they were. Even if it was my magical world and I could control everything in it. Fact is, I have no control over this. The only thing I can do is let go of trying to control Dude and how he feels, and focus on me and how I feel. Everything I need to be happy is already in my world, Dude or not. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. Control the things I can control and let go of the rest.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday
189.8 this morning, up 0.6 lbs. Yesterday was a TERRIBLE eating day. After my normal breakfast, I led a meeting at lunchtime that featured pizza (2 slices). Then met Dude after work for 20 ounces of beer and some cheese. Then met some friends later for dinner (appetizer sampler and diet coke).
I've been tense and distracted and stressed out for most of the month. Weird and yukky things happen when I'm in this state. Last week I washed a pen with 5 of my favorite shirts, ruining them all, along with the pen. I knocked over a full cup of tea the same day - you guys might remember that a full cup of tea for me is 36 ounces! All over the kitchen counter, papers, etc, etc. A lot of stuff now sticky and brown. Then yesterday I left my wallet at home, which is not helpful when I had to order 5 large pizzas. Especially since I realized it at 10:45 when I went to order the pizza, too late to go home and get the wallet. I punted and it worked out OK, but these aren't accidents - they're symptoms of stress.
The conversation with Dude went better than I expected. I think it was one of the first really honest and open talks we've ever had. The first time we both really listened to each other without preconceived ideas or hedging what we said or defensiveness. He may have been the one to do the dumping, but I was going in that direction myself. I learned the real reason and while I'm not happy, there is enough peace in knowing.
We're still apart, but he really wants to be friends and I think I'm going to give him a chance - being careful to honor how I feel. If I feel comfortable, good; uncomfortable or sad or unhappy or tense, bad. Just in case I'm not actually feeling that feeling, an urge to stuff my face = signal that I'm not feeling good.
The trial will be Sunday. He's coming over to help me move about 2 yards of dirt and gravel, so even if I'm uncomfortable, needed work will be done and it won't be a total loss. If I'm feeling bad ahead of time, I can cancel.
The problem is that I still have strong feelings for the guy. Rather than try and change things, I'm going to try, really, really hard to look at this as a gift from the universe. Things are this way for a reason. It's an opportunity to practice not overthinking things (for once). To practice my meditation and acceptance skills. Good thing I have a meditation retreat tomorrow! I want to spend time thinking about joy and thinking about how joy doesn't come from someone else, and connect with the joy I know is inside me somewhere - even if it's very small.
I've been tense and distracted and stressed out for most of the month. Weird and yukky things happen when I'm in this state. Last week I washed a pen with 5 of my favorite shirts, ruining them all, along with the pen. I knocked over a full cup of tea the same day - you guys might remember that a full cup of tea for me is 36 ounces! All over the kitchen counter, papers, etc, etc. A lot of stuff now sticky and brown. Then yesterday I left my wallet at home, which is not helpful when I had to order 5 large pizzas. Especially since I realized it at 10:45 when I went to order the pizza, too late to go home and get the wallet. I punted and it worked out OK, but these aren't accidents - they're symptoms of stress.
The conversation with Dude went better than I expected. I think it was one of the first really honest and open talks we've ever had. The first time we both really listened to each other without preconceived ideas or hedging what we said or defensiveness. He may have been the one to do the dumping, but I was going in that direction myself. I learned the real reason and while I'm not happy, there is enough peace in knowing.
We're still apart, but he really wants to be friends and I think I'm going to give him a chance - being careful to honor how I feel. If I feel comfortable, good; uncomfortable or sad or unhappy or tense, bad. Just in case I'm not actually feeling that feeling, an urge to stuff my face = signal that I'm not feeling good.
The trial will be Sunday. He's coming over to help me move about 2 yards of dirt and gravel, so even if I'm uncomfortable, needed work will be done and it won't be a total loss. If I'm feeling bad ahead of time, I can cancel.
The problem is that I still have strong feelings for the guy. Rather than try and change things, I'm going to try, really, really hard to look at this as a gift from the universe. Things are this way for a reason. It's an opportunity to practice not overthinking things (for once). To practice my meditation and acceptance skills. Good thing I have a meditation retreat tomorrow! I want to spend time thinking about joy and thinking about how joy doesn't come from someone else, and connect with the joy I know is inside me somewhere - even if it's very small.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
It's Been a Rough Week
Actually, it's been a rough few weeks. I'll skip the details and start instead by saying that I went on a great camping trip last weekend. That's my little blue tent in the middle.
Then I was dumped by Dude Monday night, and started a whole new kind of stress. This is the stress that makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes it difficult to eat at all. It's also the kind of stress that makes me turn to exercise to feel better. Like an idiot yesterday, I asked Dude if we could meet, and we're getting together in an hour. I was originally thinking it would be closure, but I've been regretting it and getting tied up even more all day. Completely unable to focus on work. At 2, I thought, "I HAVE to go running." That's the only thing that's going to calm me down and give me enough perspective to make it through this.
It really did help that I ran. I'm calmer and I've found a tiny bit of peace - for now. It drove out all the words and questions running around in my head and helped me see how I should approach this. As positively as possible. It's pretty cool that exercise can do that!!
I was 189.2 this morning - so even through all the stress, I've maintained and gone down a tich. I'm gonna try to hold on until I can see brightness and good again. I know it's there somewhere.
I was really nervous last week, because I didn't know the camping people very well (in most cases I'd met them only once or twice), and it could have been a very long, very lonely weekend. So last week when I had uncontrollable urges to stuff my face with everything carby that exists, I knew why. I was only a little successful at resisting the urges, but managed to semi control portion sizes. I didn't exercise last week either. Funny how when I'm under that kind of stress, my first tendency is to dump good habits in favor of eating starch, sugar and laying in front of the TV. It feels like comfort, but really isn't.
Then I was dumped by Dude Monday night, and started a whole new kind of stress. This is the stress that makes my stomach tie up in knots and makes it difficult to eat at all. It's also the kind of stress that makes me turn to exercise to feel better. Like an idiot yesterday, I asked Dude if we could meet, and we're getting together in an hour. I was originally thinking it would be closure, but I've been regretting it and getting tied up even more all day. Completely unable to focus on work. At 2, I thought, "I HAVE to go running." That's the only thing that's going to calm me down and give me enough perspective to make it through this.
It really did help that I ran. I'm calmer and I've found a tiny bit of peace - for now. It drove out all the words and questions running around in my head and helped me see how I should approach this. As positively as possible. It's pretty cool that exercise can do that!!
I was 189.2 this morning - so even through all the stress, I've maintained and gone down a tich. I'm gonna try to hold on until I can see brightness and good again. I know it's there somewhere.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sad
So, I got dumped today. Really, for real this time. I wasn't sure we'd make it past his 2-week trip to Germany and now that he's come back, I found out within 5 minutes of seeing him. Kinda makes me wish he'd done it before he left - it would have saved me a rough two weeks. I'm still absorbing the death of that dream and beginning to think about what my summer is going to look like now that I'm alone again. I'm sad. Sad because I want so much to believe in true, forever love. I want so much to have it happen to me, and I'm scared it won't. I know I'll be happy again, alone or not. But right now I'm very sad.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I Was That Person
Last night I was the person looking lustfully at the bar of chocolate and asking, "Is anyone going to finish that?" "Anyone else having a second glass of wine?"
At lunch yesterday, a group of us went out to an Italian restaurant and I ordered my favorite, pasta fagiol - with a big slice of garlic bread. And then I ate the whole thing. Even though I haven't had that much food in one sitting in 9 months, and it was physically painful to eat that much food.
Later in the afternoon, shopping at Target, I fell victim to a bag of popcorn and a rice krispy treat. A small part of my mind said, "Yo, Jordan - you don't really want that," so I at least waited until I got home before diving in. And managed to throw away most of the popcorn and half of the rice krispy treat.
I could say that it's a slip and promise myself to get back on the wagon, but it's more than that. It's the first time I've been so out of control in 9 months. Yes, I'm tense and I've got stuff going on - but I've had that in the last 9 months and not lost it. What's different now?
I don't know. But it didn't magically happen yesterday - it's been building up. I haven't run in a week and the only other working out I've done is yard work. (Except for Tuesday when I felt really emotionally crappy and worked out to make myself feel better.) I've been eating my formula breakfast and lunch (700 calories down by 5pm), but then eating carby dinners, about 900 calories worth. How do I know? Because it's been the same dinner for the last 4 nights.
We talk about finding non-food ways to take care of ourselves, about feeling our feelings instead of stuffing them down with food - but that presumes that we know something's going on before the food goes down the hatch. I didn't really realize it until last night. Or maybe it was this morning.
My main technique for feeling my feelings is meditation. Looks like it's time to take some time for me. Time to practice some self care that isn't destructive. I should be thankful to the person asking, "Is anyone going to finish that?", because it's a sign that everything's not all right in my world. I should learn these signs and pay attention to the message and hopefully I'll get better at noticing and reacting to the feelings - sooner than I did this time.
At lunch yesterday, a group of us went out to an Italian restaurant and I ordered my favorite, pasta fagiol - with a big slice of garlic bread. And then I ate the whole thing. Even though I haven't had that much food in one sitting in 9 months, and it was physically painful to eat that much food.
Later in the afternoon, shopping at Target, I fell victim to a bag of popcorn and a rice krispy treat. A small part of my mind said, "Yo, Jordan - you don't really want that," so I at least waited until I got home before diving in. And managed to throw away most of the popcorn and half of the rice krispy treat.
I could say that it's a slip and promise myself to get back on the wagon, but it's more than that. It's the first time I've been so out of control in 9 months. Yes, I'm tense and I've got stuff going on - but I've had that in the last 9 months and not lost it. What's different now?
I don't know. But it didn't magically happen yesterday - it's been building up. I haven't run in a week and the only other working out I've done is yard work. (Except for Tuesday when I felt really emotionally crappy and worked out to make myself feel better.) I've been eating my formula breakfast and lunch (700 calories down by 5pm), but then eating carby dinners, about 900 calories worth. How do I know? Because it's been the same dinner for the last 4 nights.
We talk about finding non-food ways to take care of ourselves, about feeling our feelings instead of stuffing them down with food - but that presumes that we know something's going on before the food goes down the hatch. I didn't really realize it until last night. Or maybe it was this morning.
My main technique for feeling my feelings is meditation. Looks like it's time to take some time for me. Time to practice some self care that isn't destructive. I should be thankful to the person asking, "Is anyone going to finish that?", because it's a sign that everything's not all right in my world. I should learn these signs and pay attention to the message and hopefully I'll get better at noticing and reacting to the feelings - sooner than I did this time.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Friday Thoughts
Can't come up with a neat saying like Thursday Thoughts, or Monday Musings. Not feeling all that brilliant right now, I guess. 190.4 this morning.
I've been thinking about that article in the NYT that I linked to on Wednesday. Notably the part about the lag between eating and impact on weight. I think that's true for me. The only thing that has instant impact is salty stuff that makes me retain water, which I don't consider to be a real weight gain (even if it takes several days to get back off). Most of the time I don't see a real change in my weight if I eat one big meal. If I compensate quickly, I can avoid any impact at all.
That means that yes, I'm still going to need the daily (well, twice daily) weigh-ins to get a sense of which way the wind is blowing. But I need to be careful on a scale of weeks, not days or hours.
Calories in-calories out works pretty well for me. I'm probably eating about 1500-1600 per day (I've lost the mojo to track everything in MFP.) Still losing, but much slower these days. I do perfect for breakfast and lunch and then slip a bit for dinner. Maybe a drinky poo or a piece of bread with butter. That crap adds up fast!
I flailed a bit this week. I ran Monday at lunch, and then life happened and I couldn't go Wednesday. I was so, SO, SO tempted to give myself a break and take a few days off from working out (as a present for finishing the EMT class). I got scared because that feels like the slippery slope that takes me right back to being huge. If I reward myself with some days off from exercise, what's next? A fettucini alfredo dinner reward? A week off? Two weeks? Argh!! It should be a reward to exercise, not to NOT exercise! But it isn't. I don't look forward to exercising. I look forward to the exercise being over. That's when I remembered that Laina feels the same way about exercise, and she's been a successful maintainer for lots of years. It's OK to not love exercise - but not OK to skip it.
So I ran yesterday at a weird time at the end of the work day, but still during work time. I had to work through lunch so technically it was my lunch hour that I took at 4, but it still felt weird. Then, it was SO, SO hard to run. I stopped 3 times to adjust my music. Stopped another time or 2 to look at text messages. I just didn't want to do it. About 2/3 of the way through I finally settled down and just finished it. Then I felt great.
So here's what's happening now that I'm not tracking what I eat in MFP. I'm estimating, and making switches that don't make sense to reasonable people. Like this one:
I had rice krispy dessert instead of a grapefruit. It was a recipe from a magazine that I've been dying to try. Dried cherries soaked in amaretto with rice krispies and maple syrup, and almond butter. Yes, it's very good. But likely many many more calories than the grapefruit.
And today - my plan was to do a weight workout. But then I remembered that I have a LOT of dirt to move in my yard this weekend. I think I'll use the energy and the muscles this afternoon to move dirt instead of iron weights. This needs to be me not skipping a workout again!!
Because ... I'm thinking about skipping the 5K on Sunday. I love getting up, making a big cup of tea and getting back into bed to read the iPad on weekends. I haven't done that in... weeks. (mostly 'cause I'm not alone on weekend mornings, which I'm definitely not complaining about! But we don't sleep in.) Can't sleep in next weekend because I'm camping (!!). And then Dude is going to be back from Germany and I'll be back to getting up on weekend mornings again. I have zero desire to get up early Sunday morning just to prove something to myself by running/walking a 5K in town. Waah! Can't I just make a promise to do 5K later in the day and sleep in instead?? Whine, whine, whine....
PS - I didn't mean to convey that I dropped everyone who's not maintaining off my blog list! I did drop one or two, but most of y'all are still on my must-read list! I love the can-do attitude that means you'll be successful - eventually.
I've been thinking about that article in the NYT that I linked to on Wednesday. Notably the part about the lag between eating and impact on weight. I think that's true for me. The only thing that has instant impact is salty stuff that makes me retain water, which I don't consider to be a real weight gain (even if it takes several days to get back off). Most of the time I don't see a real change in my weight if I eat one big meal. If I compensate quickly, I can avoid any impact at all.
That means that yes, I'm still going to need the daily (well, twice daily) weigh-ins to get a sense of which way the wind is blowing. But I need to be careful on a scale of weeks, not days or hours.
Calories in-calories out works pretty well for me. I'm probably eating about 1500-1600 per day (I've lost the mojo to track everything in MFP.) Still losing, but much slower these days. I do perfect for breakfast and lunch and then slip a bit for dinner. Maybe a drinky poo or a piece of bread with butter. That crap adds up fast!
I flailed a bit this week. I ran Monday at lunch, and then life happened and I couldn't go Wednesday. I was so, SO, SO tempted to give myself a break and take a few days off from working out (as a present for finishing the EMT class). I got scared because that feels like the slippery slope that takes me right back to being huge. If I reward myself with some days off from exercise, what's next? A fettucini alfredo dinner reward? A week off? Two weeks? Argh!! It should be a reward to exercise, not to NOT exercise! But it isn't. I don't look forward to exercising. I look forward to the exercise being over. That's when I remembered that Laina feels the same way about exercise, and she's been a successful maintainer for lots of years. It's OK to not love exercise - but not OK to skip it.
So I ran yesterday at a weird time at the end of the work day, but still during work time. I had to work through lunch so technically it was my lunch hour that I took at 4, but it still felt weird. Then, it was SO, SO hard to run. I stopped 3 times to adjust my music. Stopped another time or 2 to look at text messages. I just didn't want to do it. About 2/3 of the way through I finally settled down and just finished it. Then I felt great.
So here's what's happening now that I'm not tracking what I eat in MFP. I'm estimating, and making switches that don't make sense to reasonable people. Like this one:
And today - my plan was to do a weight workout. But then I remembered that I have a LOT of dirt to move in my yard this weekend. I think I'll use the energy and the muscles this afternoon to move dirt instead of iron weights. This needs to be me not skipping a workout again!!
Because ... I'm thinking about skipping the 5K on Sunday. I love getting up, making a big cup of tea and getting back into bed to read the iPad on weekends. I haven't done that in... weeks. (mostly 'cause I'm not alone on weekend mornings, which I'm definitely not complaining about! But we don't sleep in.) Can't sleep in next weekend because I'm camping (!!). And then Dude is going to be back from Germany and I'll be back to getting up on weekend mornings again. I have zero desire to get up early Sunday morning just to prove something to myself by running/walking a 5K in town. Waah! Can't I just make a promise to do 5K later in the day and sleep in instead?? Whine, whine, whine....
PS - I didn't mean to convey that I dropped everyone who's not maintaining off my blog list! I did drop one or two, but most of y'all are still on my must-read list! I love the can-do attitude that means you'll be successful - eventually.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Wednesday
Mir gave me a gentle poke yesterday, about how it's time for an update. And good thing! I hadn't really noticed that the last time I wrote was a whole week ago. All I can think to write is a bunch of random things that don't hang together. So, by golly, they'll hang separately!
- 190.0 this morning. A new low. Barely. I went up to 192.2 before coming down to this this morning. I've been eating out with Dude a lot and not being very good about what I ate. I do OK on portion size, but even a really small bit of ice cream is too much if it isn't fantastic ice cream (and it wasn't).
- I've begun changing my blog reading to focus more on successful maintainers. To those of you that write about struggling and failing time and time again and falling into binges, pizza and burgers, Sorry! It's not personal. Just like my losing phase was so much helped by reading along with other losers, my maintaining is going to depend on "hanging out" with other maintainers. There's a bunch of you that struggle and write about it and I learn along with you as you learn the binge triggers and how to help yourselves. I'm a keep reading y'all. I feel like an alcoholic trying to stay away from booze sometimes.
- I ran 3x last week, and did strength once. I'm going to try for a repeat of that this week. Each of the runs was run 1 mile, walk a little, run 1/2 mile, walk a little, run 1/2 mile, walk a little, run a mile, cool down. RunKeeper (cool app!) says that my average pace for the entire thing was about 13:50-14 minutes per mile. The running parts were about 12 min/mile, or 5 miles/hr. It doesn't keep up with most people, but I'm happy with it. My first 5K-that-I-want-to-run-most-of-it is on Sunday morning. I'll probably start too fast and burn out, but we'll see.
- There was another NY Times article this morning on obesity that I liked.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/15/science/a-mathematical-challenge-to-obesity.html?_r=1
Of course, the guy's a mathematician, so I'm intrigued right away. Data! What does the data say??
It brought up a thing I've mentioned before - the body weight simulator: http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/
I played around with it again this morning and put in my current weight and my goal of 170 and saw that it thinks I can eat 2500 calories per day to maintain. Hahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've read in a while!
- I'm wearing a pair of size 14 Liz Claiborne jeans right now. Monday night I wore some size 12 Levis. They fit oh-so-tight. But I could comfortably sit for periods of time, so they go into the rotation. My goal of goals is to wear size 12 pants. I have no idea what weight that will be, but I want to be a size 12. Size 10 would be OK, too.
- Dude is on his way to Germany for a 2-week vacation. Hard to believe that we've known each other for like 11 weeks! I need to rediscover meditation again - I'm way off balance lately and have been a bundle of nerves and stress for no reason.
- The final EMT test is tomorrow night. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne for the minute I get home from that test. This has been 5 months of hell, this class - but I made it through!
- I don't think I like the new Blogger. It's impossible for me to ignore that only 3 people read my last few posts now that the numbers are right there for me to see. Maybe a few more read on Google reader. Hopefully. It doesn't make me want to stop blogging though. The main reason I'm doing this is for me.
- And finally. Here's a picture from the structure fire call we had 2-1/2 weeks ago. I'm the girl. The only one.
- 190.0 this morning. A new low. Barely. I went up to 192.2 before coming down to this this morning. I've been eating out with Dude a lot and not being very good about what I ate. I do OK on portion size, but even a really small bit of ice cream is too much if it isn't fantastic ice cream (and it wasn't).
- I've begun changing my blog reading to focus more on successful maintainers. To those of you that write about struggling and failing time and time again and falling into binges, pizza and burgers, Sorry! It's not personal. Just like my losing phase was so much helped by reading along with other losers, my maintaining is going to depend on "hanging out" with other maintainers. There's a bunch of you that struggle and write about it and I learn along with you as you learn the binge triggers and how to help yourselves. I'm a keep reading y'all. I feel like an alcoholic trying to stay away from booze sometimes.
- I ran 3x last week, and did strength once. I'm going to try for a repeat of that this week. Each of the runs was run 1 mile, walk a little, run 1/2 mile, walk a little, run 1/2 mile, walk a little, run a mile, cool down. RunKeeper (cool app!) says that my average pace for the entire thing was about 13:50-14 minutes per mile. The running parts were about 12 min/mile, or 5 miles/hr. It doesn't keep up with most people, but I'm happy with it. My first 5K-that-I-want-to-run-most-of-it is on Sunday morning. I'll probably start too fast and burn out, but we'll see.
- There was another NY Times article this morning on obesity that I liked.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/15/science/a-mathematical-challenge-to-obesity.html?_r=1
Of course, the guy's a mathematician, so I'm intrigued right away. Data! What does the data say??
It brought up a thing I've mentioned before - the body weight simulator: http://bwsimulator.niddk.nih.gov/
I played around with it again this morning and put in my current weight and my goal of 170 and saw that it thinks I can eat 2500 calories per day to maintain. Hahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've read in a while!
- I'm wearing a pair of size 14 Liz Claiborne jeans right now. Monday night I wore some size 12 Levis. They fit oh-so-tight. But I could comfortably sit for periods of time, so they go into the rotation. My goal of goals is to wear size 12 pants. I have no idea what weight that will be, but I want to be a size 12. Size 10 would be OK, too.
- Dude is on his way to Germany for a 2-week vacation. Hard to believe that we've known each other for like 11 weeks! I need to rediscover meditation again - I'm way off balance lately and have been a bundle of nerves and stress for no reason.
- The final EMT test is tomorrow night. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne for the minute I get home from that test. This has been 5 months of hell, this class - but I made it through!
- I don't think I like the new Blogger. It's impossible for me to ignore that only 3 people read my last few posts now that the numbers are right there for me to see. Maybe a few more read on Google reader. Hopefully. It doesn't make me want to stop blogging though. The main reason I'm doing this is for me.
- And finally. Here's a picture from the structure fire call we had 2-1/2 weeks ago. I'm the girl. The only one.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Progressing Nicely
190.4 this morning.
My goal for last weekend was to hold onto 191, and I surprisingly did! Surprisingly because Dude and I were going to run both mornings, and didn't end up doing it (and I didn't work out later). I took an exercise break day on Friday, so I didn't end up working out at all between Thursday and Monday.
We also had restaurant meals both days of the weekend. I didn't choose especially healthy stuff at the restaurants, but I did try to be mindful about what I was eating, eating more for taste than volume. For example, on Sunday, instead of having an entree, I ordered nachos for dinner, which I *love*. They turned out to be just OK, not great - so it was easy to leave most of them on the plate. On Saturday I had a meatball sandwich, also a favorite of mine. I immediately set aside half of the bread, most of the sauce and focused on the meatballs. Again, they were just OK. Not great. So I didn't have heartache about leaving some on the plate (and half the bread and most of the sauce)
I'm not always successful, but I try to focus on eating great food. If it's not great (and I have some control), then I'd rather go hungry and wait for something great. I don't have enough calories to waste any on food that doesn't taste good!
On that note, I read a piece in the New York Times yesterday: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/09/dining/the-author-peter-kaminsky-on-how-to-eat-wisely.html?ref=health
This guy is an advocate of eating for flavor, even coining the term Flavor Per Calorie, or FPC. He says to go for foods that provide maximum flavor. They will satisfy you so that you don't need to eat a lot. This is exactly my philosophy! It seems to be the opposite of Stephan Guyanet's go-for-bland-food advice, but I don't see any conflict. In my mind, highly rewarding food is food that makes you want to eat more, even right after you've had some. Flavorful, satisfying food is food that fills up your senses and you don't need much to feel satisfied. Examples are: kalamata olives, avocado, pepperoni, spicy salami, anchovies, dark chocolate.
I also read an article in this week's Newsweek by Gary Taubes about the Obesity Crisis: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/05/06/why-the-campaign-to-stop-america-s-obesity-crisis-keeps-failing.html
Interesting! This time last year, I was firmly in Taubes' court about insulin. I've evolved a bit as I've read more second-hand research on why we get fat and others have evolved past low carb. I had forgotten that mainstream science still has years to go to get to where we are on obseity thinking.
Enjoy the reading!
My goal for last weekend was to hold onto 191, and I surprisingly did! Surprisingly because Dude and I were going to run both mornings, and didn't end up doing it (and I didn't work out later). I took an exercise break day on Friday, so I didn't end up working out at all between Thursday and Monday.
We also had restaurant meals both days of the weekend. I didn't choose especially healthy stuff at the restaurants, but I did try to be mindful about what I was eating, eating more for taste than volume. For example, on Sunday, instead of having an entree, I ordered nachos for dinner, which I *love*. They turned out to be just OK, not great - so it was easy to leave most of them on the plate. On Saturday I had a meatball sandwich, also a favorite of mine. I immediately set aside half of the bread, most of the sauce and focused on the meatballs. Again, they were just OK. Not great. So I didn't have heartache about leaving some on the plate (and half the bread and most of the sauce)
I'm not always successful, but I try to focus on eating great food. If it's not great (and I have some control), then I'd rather go hungry and wait for something great. I don't have enough calories to waste any on food that doesn't taste good!
On that note, I read a piece in the New York Times yesterday: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/09/dining/the-author-peter-kaminsky-on-how-to-eat-wisely.html?ref=health
This guy is an advocate of eating for flavor, even coining the term Flavor Per Calorie, or FPC. He says to go for foods that provide maximum flavor. They will satisfy you so that you don't need to eat a lot. This is exactly my philosophy! It seems to be the opposite of Stephan Guyanet's go-for-bland-food advice, but I don't see any conflict. In my mind, highly rewarding food is food that makes you want to eat more, even right after you've had some. Flavorful, satisfying food is food that fills up your senses and you don't need much to feel satisfied. Examples are: kalamata olives, avocado, pepperoni, spicy salami, anchovies, dark chocolate.
I also read an article in this week's Newsweek by Gary Taubes about the Obesity Crisis: http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/05/06/why-the-campaign-to-stop-america-s-obesity-crisis-keeps-failing.html
Interesting! This time last year, I was firmly in Taubes' court about insulin. I've evolved a bit as I've read more second-hand research on why we get fat and others have evolved past low carb. I had forgotten that mainstream science still has years to go to get to where we are on obseity thinking.
Enjoy the reading!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friday
191.2 this morning.
FINALLY, a new low. But then, I've been working hard for it. Working hard 85% of the time, that is. I can see how weight losers get stuck in maintenance mode by being good during the week and then a little too free over the weekend, 'cause that's me all over. Not necessarily the weekend, but a chicken wing here, a piece of pizza there, and there goes three days of being perfect.
My goal for this weekend is to hang onto 191. Dude and I have plans to check out a hamburger joint tonight, which doesn't bode well for the whole 191 thing - but I gotta figure out how to not be scared of eating in restaurants.
I also desperately need to meditate. My peace of mind has gone to hell, mostly because I've moved away from my unshakeable core and towards being wrapped up in figuring out what other people think. Yes, logically I know it doesn't work, but it's SO hard to shake 40 years of conditioning.
I found a local 5K that's being run on May 20th and just registered! I walked a 5K last fall when I weighed about 260 and was in terrible shape. I huffed and puffed my way to second-to-last place out of hundreds, in front of someone walking with a cane. Tuesday I jogged at lunch 10 minutes, walked a bit, jogged for 10 minutes, walked a bit and jogged another 10 minutes. So, while I don't think I'll be able to run the entire 5K straight, I do think I'll jog most of it, which feels pretty good.
Hope all y'all had a good week and a great weekend coming up!
FINALLY, a new low. But then, I've been working hard for it. Working hard 85% of the time, that is. I can see how weight losers get stuck in maintenance mode by being good during the week and then a little too free over the weekend, 'cause that's me all over. Not necessarily the weekend, but a chicken wing here, a piece of pizza there, and there goes three days of being perfect.
My goal for this weekend is to hang onto 191. Dude and I have plans to check out a hamburger joint tonight, which doesn't bode well for the whole 191 thing - but I gotta figure out how to not be scared of eating in restaurants.
I also desperately need to meditate. My peace of mind has gone to hell, mostly because I've moved away from my unshakeable core and towards being wrapped up in figuring out what other people think. Yes, logically I know it doesn't work, but it's SO hard to shake 40 years of conditioning.
I found a local 5K that's being run on May 20th and just registered! I walked a 5K last fall when I weighed about 260 and was in terrible shape. I huffed and puffed my way to second-to-last place out of hundreds, in front of someone walking with a cane. Tuesday I jogged at lunch 10 minutes, walked a bit, jogged for 10 minutes, walked a bit and jogged another 10 minutes. So, while I don't think I'll be able to run the entire 5K straight, I do think I'll jog most of it, which feels pretty good.
Hope all y'all had a good week and a great weekend coming up!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
A First
When I put this morning's weight into MFP, I noticed that I've lost a grand total of - da dummh - 0 pounds in the last month. Well actually, I gained 5, then lost 7, then gained 2. It wasn't exactly static.
Since I started this weight loss journey last September, this is the first month I haven't lost.
It's a crummy first, but I'm not terrified - yet. I did write that I was thinking about slowing down and maintaining a bit before the final push to <170. But this is a kind of limbo that I don't love. I have some pairs of too-big pants and some pairs of tight pants, and don't want to spend money on "real" clothes until I get closer to my final size.
I'm maintaining the exercise, but slacking a little on food. Like eating actual bread on occasion, and allowing myself a little too much on the treat front. As Mary from A Small Loss writes, you can't out-exercise a bad diet. I was hoping to get down to 180-185 before Mir's next challenge, which would give me a fighting chance of getting to <170 by the end. It's technically possible, but not likely unless I start taking more care with food.
I don't have much else to say right now. I can see the end of this blasted EMT class in a few weeks - only a few weeks until I get evenings back again! Everything else is perking along. Not great, but not terrible, which is about as good as real life gets sometimes.
Peace out, y'all!!
Since I started this weight loss journey last September, this is the first month I haven't lost.
It's a crummy first, but I'm not terrified - yet. I did write that I was thinking about slowing down and maintaining a bit before the final push to <170. But this is a kind of limbo that I don't love. I have some pairs of too-big pants and some pairs of tight pants, and don't want to spend money on "real" clothes until I get closer to my final size.
I'm maintaining the exercise, but slacking a little on food. Like eating actual bread on occasion, and allowing myself a little too much on the treat front. As Mary from A Small Loss writes, you can't out-exercise a bad diet. I was hoping to get down to 180-185 before Mir's next challenge, which would give me a fighting chance of getting to <170 by the end. It's technically possible, but not likely unless I start taking more care with food.
I don't have much else to say right now. I can see the end of this blasted EMT class in a few weeks - only a few weeks until I get evenings back again! Everything else is perking along. Not great, but not terrible, which is about as good as real life gets sometimes.
Peace out, y'all!!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Thursday
194.4 this morning. I was 193.2 yesterday after almost a week solid at 195.4, so I'm doing OK. Not great. Not bad.
I'm in a training class this week. Thankfully, no donuts in the mornings, but we are getting lunch every day, which has been a challenge. Monday was Panera box lunches. I skipped the chips but ate the sandwich and the cookie. Entering the calories later, I was depressed to realize that I'd eaten 1000 calories for lunch. Tuesday was lasagna and caesar salad (and italian confections for dessert)- I had a leeetle bit (and one confection). Yesterday was wrap sandwiches, salad and sugar cookies. I had a lot of salad with no dressing, half a sandwich and one cookie. I have no idea what today's lunch is, but I'll try to minimize the damage - while still participating. Yeah, I don't need the desserts. Can't make any excuses so they're OK to have.
I've been trying to get 200-300 calories-worth of exercise every day to balance out the iffy food. I'm doing semi-OK there - jogging at lunch Monday, lunchtime weights Tuesday, jogging in the morning with Dude yesterday and maybe lunchtime jog today. I'm working on weaning myself off the treadmill in favor of running outside. Problem is, running outside is much harder! It's also more interesting, and since hard is good in the workout world, I'm doing good.
I have a hard time believing MFP that the elliptical burns more calories than jogging, so I'm giving them both the same burn, 10 calories per minute = 20-30 minutes needed.
Running outside was killing my knees, so I got fancy running shoes a few weeks ago at a store where they watch you run and you try on a bunch of shoes The shoes feel great, and my knees feel - a little better. Or not as bad. I'm beginning to think that I'm having a flare-up of my Lyme disease, which I got last summer. The major symptoms then were utter exhaustion and joint pain, especially my knees. I'm not exhausted now, but I'll have to live with these flareups, I guess, for the rest of my life. Wonderful.
So - no big news. Trucking along, doing good on some things, and just OK on others. No real disasters, which I'm OK with right now.
Peace y'all! Hope you're having a great week!
I'm in a training class this week. Thankfully, no donuts in the mornings, but we are getting lunch every day, which has been a challenge. Monday was Panera box lunches. I skipped the chips but ate the sandwich and the cookie. Entering the calories later, I was depressed to realize that I'd eaten 1000 calories for lunch. Tuesday was lasagna and caesar salad (and italian confections for dessert)- I had a leeetle bit (and one confection). Yesterday was wrap sandwiches, salad and sugar cookies. I had a lot of salad with no dressing, half a sandwich and one cookie. I have no idea what today's lunch is, but I'll try to minimize the damage - while still participating. Yeah, I don't need the desserts. Can't make any excuses so they're OK to have.
I've been trying to get 200-300 calories-worth of exercise every day to balance out the iffy food. I'm doing semi-OK there - jogging at lunch Monday, lunchtime weights Tuesday, jogging in the morning with Dude yesterday and maybe lunchtime jog today. I'm working on weaning myself off the treadmill in favor of running outside. Problem is, running outside is much harder! It's also more interesting, and since hard is good in the workout world, I'm doing good.
I have a hard time believing MFP that the elliptical burns more calories than jogging, so I'm giving them both the same burn, 10 calories per minute = 20-30 minutes needed.
Running outside was killing my knees, so I got fancy running shoes a few weeks ago at a store where they watch you run and you try on a bunch of shoes The shoes feel great, and my knees feel - a little better. Or not as bad. I'm beginning to think that I'm having a flare-up of my Lyme disease, which I got last summer. The major symptoms then were utter exhaustion and joint pain, especially my knees. I'm not exhausted now, but I'll have to live with these flareups, I guess, for the rest of my life. Wonderful.
So - no big news. Trucking along, doing good on some things, and just OK on others. No real disasters, which I'm OK with right now.
Peace y'all! Hope you're having a great week!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
This Stuff Tastes Like Nothing
I brain-farted on bringing some turkey to work, so when I reached for it a half an hour ago, there was nothing to eat. After a moment of distress, I realized that I have a stash for emergencies like this. Homemade beef jerky, store-boughten buffalo jerky, and some baggies with pre-measured servings of spiced almonds.
So I tried the store-boughten jerky. Nuthin. It tastes like crunchy, pre-formed plasticky nothing. There's no flavor!
One thing I've learned in the last 7 months is that I don't have enough calories in the day to waste a single one on food that doesn't taste good. I don't care how expensive it was, or what fancy organic store it came from! In the trash it went!
So now I'm eating a bag of almonds, one serving, pre-measured = 170 calories. Worse than the 70 calories of turkey that's in my fridge, but better than nothing and definitely more flavor than that jerky.
I vaguely tried to slow down and eat mindfully. But here I am typing and eating at the same time, which is exactly the opposite of mindful.
196.0 this morning. My body has responded nicely to the increased focus on diet and exercise. 2.8 pounds down from Sunday, and 2 more to go to get to my recent lowest weight. Tonight I'm going to work out my muscles by doing a weight-bearing workout. Lunch is for errands today, so I'll workout when I get home, and then make a beet-y, carrot-y, kale-y juice for dinner. Yum. (That was not sarcasm, it is actually really satisfying.)
So I tried the store-boughten jerky. Nuthin. It tastes like crunchy, pre-formed plasticky nothing. There's no flavor!
One thing I've learned in the last 7 months is that I don't have enough calories in the day to waste a single one on food that doesn't taste good. I don't care how expensive it was, or what fancy organic store it came from! In the trash it went!
So now I'm eating a bag of almonds, one serving, pre-measured = 170 calories. Worse than the 70 calories of turkey that's in my fridge, but better than nothing and definitely more flavor than that jerky.
I vaguely tried to slow down and eat mindfully. But here I am typing and eating at the same time, which is exactly the opposite of mindful.
196.0 this morning. My body has responded nicely to the increased focus on diet and exercise. 2.8 pounds down from Sunday, and 2 more to go to get to my recent lowest weight. Tonight I'm going to work out my muscles by doing a weight-bearing workout. Lunch is for errands today, so I'll workout when I get home, and then make a beet-y, carrot-y, kale-y juice for dinner. Yum. (That was not sarcasm, it is actually really satisfying.)
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Finally in the Right Direction
I did a nice, hard elliptical workout yesterday morning (only 20 minutes though), and kept the calories to around 1200.
Today I ran outside at lunch with a coworker. It seemed really tough, and I walked a lot. I'm going to measure the distance with a car, but I'm guessing it was less than 15 minutes of running. Hm. Running outside is a TON harder than the treadmill. (But the treadmill sucks because it's boring!) Now that I know the path around the plant, I can go myself to keep practicing and getting better. The girl I ran with is better and faster than me, so I'll bet if I go slower, I could make it all the way around.
I've got yardwork on tap for when I get home, cutting and moving branches and vines and stuff, so I think I can get the calories burned up to 200+ for the day. I had 3 scrambled eggs with 2 ounces of capicola for breakfast (and onions and pepper and broccoli that I don't count), an orange pre-run and 3 ounces of turkey post-run. I'm just finishing a juice that I made (3 kiwis, 2 apples, 1 cucumber and some ginger). I've got a huge deli-made stuffed pepper for dinner which should get me to about 1400 calories today, not including the exercise.
I've got beets, carrots, celery and more cucumbers for juices later this week. Plenty to make the 3 juices that I committed to. I feel good about staying in control this week. Sad to say, but since Dude won't be around this weekend, I'll probably have an easier time staying in control this weekend, too. It would be pretty cool to find the fine balance line between losing and gaining. Right now, I'll try to rack up one day at a time in the win column. Success is the effect of small actions taken repeatedly, so I can focus on the small actions - eat the right foods in the right amounts, and exercise. Easy, peasy - right? Ha!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Weekend Wake Up
So I was merrily progressing on my can't-decide-whether-to-maintain-at-195-or-sprint-to-185-or-170-pounds this weekend. That is, I was eating like a maintainer and hoping for losses like a loser. It started with wings and a rib dinner with sweet potato fries on Friday Then Saturday was fried eggs for breakfast, pulled pork, baked beans and cole slaw for lunch, and pizza and beer for dinner. Sunday was leftovers.
I noticed some things that really distress me.
First: I was hungry. A lot. I've learned what physical hunger feels like in the last few months, and this was not that kind of hunger. There's no good reason for me to need to eat 2 hours after a meal.
Third: I was eating differently, and not in a good way. There was a LOT of the pulled pork lunch. A month ago I would have mindfully eaten about half of it before getting full and stopping. I would have had no problem throwing away the extra. On Saturday, I inhaled half of it. Then I tried to give away the rest. When there were no takers, I inhaled the rest - and could have eaten more.
Fourth: I was so proud that my stomach is smaller and fills up more quickly than before. Except that it seems to have instantly gotten bigger again.
So, I'm up again. Yesterday afternoon it was over 200, but this morning it was 198.8. Turns out that I'm not immune to instantly going back to my old habits after all. I went for the short term pleasure of eating whatever I want - multiple times.
So. What happened, what am I doing, and what did I learn?
I noticed some things that really distress me.
First: I was hungry. A lot. I've learned what physical hunger feels like in the last few months, and this was not that kind of hunger. There's no good reason for me to need to eat 2 hours after a meal.
Second: My reaction to that hunger was to want to eat. Worse - a few times that's exactly what I did. Like last night. Two hours after I had the leftover ribs, I was hungry again. It was going to be either cottage cheese or leftover icing (yeah - why exactly did I keep that stuff anyway when I should know that I'm not past eating like a fat person?). Yup - I had the icing.
Third: I was eating differently, and not in a good way. There was a LOT of the pulled pork lunch. A month ago I would have mindfully eaten about half of it before getting full and stopping. I would have had no problem throwing away the extra. On Saturday, I inhaled half of it. Then I tried to give away the rest. When there were no takers, I inhaled the rest - and could have eaten more.
Fifth: even though I've been migrating to tighter, more fitted clothing lately, I noticed that I've been wanting to wear looser clothes the last few days.
So, I'm up again. Yesterday afternoon it was over 200, but this morning it was 198.8. Turns out that I'm not immune to instantly going back to my old habits after all. I went for the short term pleasure of eating whatever I want - multiple times.
So. What happened, what am I doing, and what did I learn?
What happened: It's possible that this hunger stuff is pre-TOM speaking. It's likely that the prepared foods were highly palatable and ignited some cravings. I was also with Dude and fell into the trap of wishfully thinking that I could eat like a normal person. I think all three happened.
What I am doing: I am wearing my challenge pants today (and a blousy top because of the muffin-toppage). Yup, they're tight and not comfortable. But I am not going to let this trend continue for even another minute. I'm going to be rigorous about not eating breakfast until 10am (it's been scootching earlier over the last week). I'm going to exercise every day this week, M thru F. And I'm going to replace 3 meals with juice this week. Also, I'm going to rigorously track in MFP, which I've slacked on lately.
What did I learn: Just because I have 7 months of healthy eating behind me doesn't mean I can relax. I have to keep doing the tricks I learned: eat for flavor and satiety not for volume, eat mindfully, feed false hunger signals with fluids not food, be vigilant ALL the time. Every bite I put in my mouth is another chance to make good choices. Lastly - you can't out-exercise a bad diet.
One final thought I'm pondering: I was looking forward to being challenge-free, but I'm wondering if the accountability of regularly reporting my weight made that much difference in my daily behaviors. Ie - I'm wondering if I should get my ass back into a challenge - soonest.
Peace y'all - I hope you had great weekends!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
I'm up again today to 197.4 which is totally expected for 2 days after Easter. I ate stuff over the last week that hadn't crossed my lips in months. Stuff like rhubarb pie, some cookies, a piece of pizza, angel food cake, some macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, etc, etc, etc. I'm never going to allow myself to go nuts again, but I did give myself some leeway that Little Miss hyper-control-everything doesn't normally allow.
It's been so long since I ate junk that my digestive system didn't have the right bugs to deal with some of it and I'm still feeling gassy and not-quite-right in my belly. I hadn't worked out in several days (I think since Thursday). I started to do a Jillian Michaels workout DVD yesterday after work, but my intestines thought that wouldn't be a good idea and sent me to the bathroom. I'll try exercising again today.
I also did experience carb cravings, which is now an unfamiliar and not very nice-feeling. Before, I would have stuffed my face in response to those cravings. Instead, I allowed myself a bit more than usual in the form of a container of Chobani and a juicy mix blend of cucumber, apple, pear and ginger. Otherwise, it was back to normal-diet eating yesterday, roughly 1300-1400 calories. Today I'm giving myself a yogurt and a banana if I feel like I need to eat extra.
My first thought was that I've been bad and I'll have to get back on the wagon. But then I realized that it's called living my life like a normal person that I was doing, not being bad. I don't ever want to feel like this healthy way of eating is a punishment. I'm never, ever in the entire rest of my life going to regularly eat 2000+ calories a day. So there's no point in viewing that way of eating as something I want to do. The key is to find a way to prepare the good stuff in a way that makes me happy. Veggies are yummy treats - right!
Time for some math geekiness:
I started last September weighing 264 pounds. I've lost roughly 70 pounds in 7 months, although the last few months have been more like 7-8 pounds per month. My goal of 169 pounds is 28 pounds away, which = 3.5-4 months if I keep on dieting hard like I've been doing (~1300 calories per day). MFP says I can have 1500 calories if I want to lose 1 lb per week and 1750 calories if I want to lose 1/2 pound per week. The difference between my current dieting and 1500 calories per day is roughly ONE Chobani and 3 olives per day. Not a lot!
Where I want to be is living my life, not dieting. But I'm worried that if I slack off now to enjoy this whole living my life stuff, I'll languish for months or years 25 pounds away from my goal in some sort of suspended dieting animation, which is not ideal. I want to sprint to the end and then stop dieting.
I'm rambling and not coming to any useful conclusions, so I'll sign off. For now I'm going to keep my daily goals the same: exercise for 30 minutes most days of the week and eat roughly 1300-ish calories. If it starts to feel more like punishment, I'll re-evaluate. Again.
It's been so long since I ate junk that my digestive system didn't have the right bugs to deal with some of it and I'm still feeling gassy and not-quite-right in my belly. I hadn't worked out in several days (I think since Thursday). I started to do a Jillian Michaels workout DVD yesterday after work, but my intestines thought that wouldn't be a good idea and sent me to the bathroom. I'll try exercising again today.
I also did experience carb cravings, which is now an unfamiliar and not very nice-feeling. Before, I would have stuffed my face in response to those cravings. Instead, I allowed myself a bit more than usual in the form of a container of Chobani and a juicy mix blend of cucumber, apple, pear and ginger. Otherwise, it was back to normal-diet eating yesterday, roughly 1300-1400 calories. Today I'm giving myself a yogurt and a banana if I feel like I need to eat extra.
My first thought was that I've been bad and I'll have to get back on the wagon. But then I realized that it's called living my life like a normal person that I was doing, not being bad. I don't ever want to feel like this healthy way of eating is a punishment. I'm never, ever in the entire rest of my life going to regularly eat 2000+ calories a day. So there's no point in viewing that way of eating as something I want to do. The key is to find a way to prepare the good stuff in a way that makes me happy. Veggies are yummy treats - right!
Time for some math geekiness:
I started last September weighing 264 pounds. I've lost roughly 70 pounds in 7 months, although the last few months have been more like 7-8 pounds per month. My goal of 169 pounds is 28 pounds away, which = 3.5-4 months if I keep on dieting hard like I've been doing (~1300 calories per day). MFP says I can have 1500 calories if I want to lose 1 lb per week and 1750 calories if I want to lose 1/2 pound per week. The difference between my current dieting and 1500 calories per day is roughly ONE Chobani and 3 olives per day. Not a lot!
Where I want to be is living my life, not dieting. But I'm worried that if I slack off now to enjoy this whole living my life stuff, I'll languish for months or years 25 pounds away from my goal in some sort of suspended dieting animation, which is not ideal. I want to sprint to the end and then stop dieting.
I'm rambling and not coming to any useful conclusions, so I'll sign off. For now I'm going to keep my daily goals the same: exercise for 30 minutes most days of the week and eat roughly 1300-ish calories. If it starts to feel more like punishment, I'll re-evaluate. Again.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
E2E Update
196.8, up a few pounds from last weekend's low of 194, but still 25 pounds down from the E2E start (and almost 80 pounds down from my highest weight of 276)! My goal for the E2E challenge was to get into Onederland and I did!!!
When the challenge started, I couldn't get the pants up my legs to start - and now they fit! (as long as I don't try to sit down.) I've been going for tight stuff lately. I've gone from a 1x-2x shirt down to normal peoples' size medium. The sweater here is a petite small, so yeah, kinda tight! In pants, I'm wearing anywhere from 16 down to 12). The black jeans I'm wearing in the before pictures are loose now.
When the challenge started, I couldn't get the pants up my legs to start - and now they fit! (as long as I don't try to sit down.) I've been going for tight stuff lately. I've gone from a 1x-2x shirt down to normal peoples' size medium. The sweater here is a petite small, so yeah, kinda tight! In pants, I'm wearing anywhere from 16 down to 12). The black jeans I'm wearing in the before pictures are loose now.
So, these after pictures were taken by Dude before we headed out to Easter festivities. Rather than being over, things are mostly better than they were, except for me being more cautious than before. Something major was lost in his German style of communicating and my American style of understanding, and it caused about a week's worth of crap and then some more crap after that. He's apologized and promised it won't happen again - and I believe him. Thanks for your support the other day! I felt pretty weird/bad when I realized that it wasn't actually going to be over. I know it's smarter to keep this sort of stuff out of the bloggy headlines, but I felt like I needed to get it out of my head. I'll eventually take this blog off the public airwaves, so it won't be hanging out there forever.
I'm SO thankful for this challenge and the CDCC! The accountability and weekly measurements kept me from slacking off and losing focus. While the eating and exercise habits weren't a problem for me, I struggled with the bloggy supporting. I supported my buddy, mostly, and got 3 others every week. I didn't rock much more than that though.
I think I may slow the weight loss down over the summer and focus on generally healthy eating and exercise habits. I'd like to hit 185 later in the summer (10 pounds in a few months), and then maybe join Mir's next challenge to hit it hard for the final 15 pounds to get to <170 by the end of the year.
Happy Easter all! I'm glad to have known you for this part of the journey, and I hope success follows you everywhere you go!
Friday, April 6, 2012
It's Probably Over
Yesterday was one of those days where things get worse and worse and everything new that happens makes things go downhill further. Dude felt like things were going too fast. He enjoyed his time away and wants more of it, starting with most (probably all) of this weekend and most of next week. He warned me that when he goes to Germany for 2 weeks in May, I won't hear from him at all. We agreed there is an "us" and that we want to keep dating and that we aren't interested in dating other people, but that was early in our conversation and I suspect that by the end that prospect is less likely. I wasn't really accepting that things are the way they are, which probably made it worse.
I'm still absorbing it all. The last few days I felt crappy because I didn't know what was going on. Now I do. There's relief at understanding the signs and signals and now things make sense, but I despise how beginning relationships can turn sour so quickly and I'm sad that my pattern continues. I was so hoping that this time would be different. I feel so alone. Once again, those that have loved ones close to you - hold them tight.
I'm still absorbing it all. The last few days I felt crappy because I didn't know what was going on. Now I do. There's relief at understanding the signs and signals and now things make sense, but I despise how beginning relationships can turn sour so quickly and I'm sad that my pattern continues. I was so hoping that this time would be different. I feel so alone. Once again, those that have loved ones close to you - hold them tight.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
E2E Midweek Update
This is the last midweek update!!!
195.0 this morning. My goal for the E2E challenge was to lose 22 pounds, break 200 - and I did! And then some. I'll likely stay right around here for the next few weeks, if past performance is an indicator of future results. No worries about that.
The week's been hard in other ways. I haven't seen Dude in almost 2 weeks. We only knew each other a month before this, so 2 weeks is a big chunk. My abandonment-centered worldview doesn't take stuff like this well. Plus, he did the typical guy thing of not thinking about keeping the communication lines open, which would bother even a normal woman (thanks for your comments Sunday BTW! It helped!).
I've been super tense all week. Spent most of the time certain we weren't going to survive the separation. When he finally called a few days ago, I did the typical woman thing of shitting all over his good time. So it's been a tough week. We'll see each other tonight, finally. I'm SO hoping that we'll come out understanding each other better. I'm finally feeling more positive about the whole thing. At least not so negative.
The cool thing is that I didn't retreat into macaroni and cheese or my old friend fettucini alfredo. I worked out hard yesterday to get out some of the negativity, and then listened to a meditation thing. I didn't even consider binging, but boy, my uncomfortable feelings had me grasping for stuff to not feel so bad. Mindfullness says that I should not avoid the bad feelings or seek out good feelings - but wow, it was tough. I had feelings I don't have names for - I'm so unaccustomed to them. Feelings, that is.
My challenge pants fit! They're Levi's misses size 16. I also have a pair of normal size 12s that fit as well. I could wear them out as long as I don't sit down! I'll post pics on Sunday to close this challenge.
I've written it before, but it deserves saying again - this challenge and the CDCC made ALL the difference! If I hadn't stumbled on Mir's blog by following a comment she made on Whole Health Source, I'd still weigh 260 pounds. I can't thank my lucky stars and Mir enough for letting me into the CDCC!
The week's been hard in other ways. I haven't seen Dude in almost 2 weeks. We only knew each other a month before this, so 2 weeks is a big chunk. My abandonment-centered worldview doesn't take stuff like this well. Plus, he did the typical guy thing of not thinking about keeping the communication lines open, which would bother even a normal woman (thanks for your comments Sunday BTW! It helped!).
I've been super tense all week. Spent most of the time certain we weren't going to survive the separation. When he finally called a few days ago, I did the typical woman thing of shitting all over his good time. So it's been a tough week. We'll see each other tonight, finally. I'm SO hoping that we'll come out understanding each other better. I'm finally feeling more positive about the whole thing. At least not so negative.
The cool thing is that I didn't retreat into macaroni and cheese or my old friend fettucini alfredo. I worked out hard yesterday to get out some of the negativity, and then listened to a meditation thing. I didn't even consider binging, but boy, my uncomfortable feelings had me grasping for stuff to not feel so bad. Mindfullness says that I should not avoid the bad feelings or seek out good feelings - but wow, it was tough. I had feelings I don't have names for - I'm so unaccustomed to them. Feelings, that is.
My challenge pants fit! They're Levi's misses size 16. I also have a pair of normal size 12s that fit as well. I could wear them out as long as I don't sit down! I'll post pics on Sunday to close this challenge.
I've written it before, but it deserves saying again - this challenge and the CDCC made ALL the difference! If I hadn't stumbled on Mir's blog by following a comment she made on Whole Health Source, I'd still weigh 260 pounds. I can't thank my lucky stars and Mir enough for letting me into the CDCC!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Tuesday
194.6 this morning. I was down to 194 yesterday, but ate semi-normally yesterday. I lost a month's worth of weight in a week, so I'll either stay here for several weeks, or gain a few pounds back before continuing downward. Probably both. Le sigh.
Overall I'm really pleased with the progress though. In September when I was around 260, I couldn't imagine weighing less than 200. I had to make goals in 10-pound increments so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I felt righteous about being a fat person, but didn't love myself, so I wasn't srprised when other people didn't love me either. I think I didn't like myself first, then got fat to make the outside match the inside.
Now that I'm thinner, I'm shocked when people react to me differently. But I'm also more confident than I was before, which feeds into people reacting differently to me. I remember the powerless feeling of eating too much. Feeling like I couldn't control myself, but wanting food to make myself feel better.
I want to take that feeling and put it in a box and keep it always in my life.
I don't want to push that feeling away because it's part of me. That scared, vulnerable girl who is taking care of herself the only way she knew how is ... ME.
I want to take that person and hold her close and say, "It's OK. You are loved."
I've lost weight a few times before. Actually kept it off for years after the first time in my 20s. This time, I think long-term success is going to hinge completely on me feeling my feelings and letting them go rather than being overwhelmed by them. I developed a (shaky) mindfullness practice where I learned that when feelings, even uncomfortable ones knock on my door, I should throw the door wide, hold my arms open and say, "Welcome!" "Come here and rest inside me, for you are part of me and deserve love like all the parts of myself." It reminds me of a Dixie Chicks' song, Hello Mr Heartbreak, I've Been Expecting You.
When I apply love to all the parts of myself, including the bad and uncomfortable feelings, they weaken and lose power. Am I good at this? Not particularly. It still makes me cry a lot. But they feel like the tears I didn't cry when I was 12. Soon I'll get to the tears I didn't cry when I was 14, 15, 16 and eventually I'll get to my 30s and 40s, and then I'll be caught up.
I'm sure things aren't going to be perfect and I'm sure I'll fail a bunch. But I've got some more tools than I had before. Tools to help me succeed more than I fail. Tools to help me react differently than the last 10 years. Tools to make the outcome different this time. That's the plan anyway!
Overall I'm really pleased with the progress though. In September when I was around 260, I couldn't imagine weighing less than 200. I had to make goals in 10-pound increments so I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I felt righteous about being a fat person, but didn't love myself, so I wasn't srprised when other people didn't love me either. I think I didn't like myself first, then got fat to make the outside match the inside.
Now that I'm thinner, I'm shocked when people react to me differently. But I'm also more confident than I was before, which feeds into people reacting differently to me. I remember the powerless feeling of eating too much. Feeling like I couldn't control myself, but wanting food to make myself feel better.
I want to take that feeling and put it in a box and keep it always in my life.
I don't want to push that feeling away because it's part of me. That scared, vulnerable girl who is taking care of herself the only way she knew how is ... ME.
I want to take that person and hold her close and say, "It's OK. You are loved."
I've lost weight a few times before. Actually kept it off for years after the first time in my 20s. This time, I think long-term success is going to hinge completely on me feeling my feelings and letting them go rather than being overwhelmed by them. I developed a (shaky) mindfullness practice where I learned that when feelings, even uncomfortable ones knock on my door, I should throw the door wide, hold my arms open and say, "Welcome!" "Come here and rest inside me, for you are part of me and deserve love like all the parts of myself." It reminds me of a Dixie Chicks' song, Hello Mr Heartbreak, I've Been Expecting You.
When I apply love to all the parts of myself, including the bad and uncomfortable feelings, they weaken and lose power. Am I good at this? Not particularly. It still makes me cry a lot. But they feel like the tears I didn't cry when I was 12. Soon I'll get to the tears I didn't cry when I was 14, 15, 16 and eventually I'll get to my 30s and 40s, and then I'll be caught up.
I'm sure things aren't going to be perfect and I'm sure I'll fail a bunch. But I've got some more tools than I had before. Tools to help me succeed more than I fail. Tools to help me react differently than the last 10 years. Tools to make the outcome different this time. That's the plan anyway!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
E2E Update
This is the second-to-last Sunday update for the Eve to Easter Challenge!
Weight: 195.2 (202.4 last week). On September 3rd last year I was 264, for 69 pounds lost in 7 months.
My weight's been going down like stair steps. Basically flat for weeks at a time, then a whoosh down. This week was woosh - 7.2 pounds down. I wouldn't wish the reason on anyone though. I had some bad fish Friday night and have been kinda afraid to eat since. Either that or I have the flu. I made myself get up this morning and go to the grocery for some kefir and loads of yogurt to get some good bugs into my belly, but I still feel weak. I ate some pineapple this morning and then tried to run a bit. I got through about 10+5 minutes of jogging, but then there was no more gas in my tank and I had to stop.
Waist: 33-1/2 (Sept 3 last year it was 42.5, lost 9 inches)
Hips: 45 (Sept 3 last year 54, lost 9 inches)
Thigh: 26-1/2 (Sept 3 last year 30.5, lost 4 inches x 2 thighs=8)
I'm such a pear shape. It's like I lost weight from my neck and waist first and only now, after 7 months of losing and close to goal weight - only now am losing from my hips and thighs.
It's really odd to realize that when people look at me, they don't think," Fat person," any more. Last night, as part of my EMT training, I rode with an ambulance crew. At one point we were standing around talking about a call one group had where a 14-year old girl had unsuccessfully tried to climb a fence with sharp wires on top. They were joking about her being 220 pounds (as in, "that's why she couldn't get over the fence."). I kept quiet that I was 220 pounds at Christmastime. It's like I finally get to be in the secret club of kinda normal weight people.
Dude is playing in Boston with a German serviceperson and I haven't spoken to him in days. He hasn't even managed to text. I feel a little shunted to the side (OK, a LOT shunted to the side), but he did warn me it would be like this (this week). It reminds me of a few uncomfortable things. One: how quickly I changed my life to fit him into it. Last week I was planning on taking him with me to Easter dinner with the family I eat my holiday meals with. Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to introduce him to people in my life. Not without a serious conversation. Two: I am fundamentally alone. Just because I wish it weren't so doesn't make it true. Being sick this weekend with nobody to call brings it home to me in a harsh way. No matter what I want and wish for, I am still alone. All those of you who have family and others close to you, be very thankful!
My weight's been going down like stair steps. Basically flat for weeks at a time, then a whoosh down. This week was woosh - 7.2 pounds down. I wouldn't wish the reason on anyone though. I had some bad fish Friday night and have been kinda afraid to eat since. Either that or I have the flu. I made myself get up this morning and go to the grocery for some kefir and loads of yogurt to get some good bugs into my belly, but I still feel weak. I ate some pineapple this morning and then tried to run a bit. I got through about 10+5 minutes of jogging, but then there was no more gas in my tank and I had to stop.
Waist: 33-1/2 (Sept 3 last year it was 42.5, lost 9 inches)
Hips: 45 (Sept 3 last year 54, lost 9 inches)
Thigh: 26-1/2 (Sept 3 last year 30.5, lost 4 inches x 2 thighs=8)
I'm such a pear shape. It's like I lost weight from my neck and waist first and only now, after 7 months of losing and close to goal weight - only now am losing from my hips and thighs.
It's really odd to realize that when people look at me, they don't think," Fat person," any more. Last night, as part of my EMT training, I rode with an ambulance crew. At one point we were standing around talking about a call one group had where a 14-year old girl had unsuccessfully tried to climb a fence with sharp wires on top. They were joking about her being 220 pounds (as in, "that's why she couldn't get over the fence."). I kept quiet that I was 220 pounds at Christmastime. It's like I finally get to be in the secret club of kinda normal weight people.
Dude is playing in Boston with a German serviceperson and I haven't spoken to him in days. He hasn't even managed to text. I feel a little shunted to the side (OK, a LOT shunted to the side), but he did warn me it would be like this (this week). It reminds me of a few uncomfortable things. One: how quickly I changed my life to fit him into it. Last week I was planning on taking him with me to Easter dinner with the family I eat my holiday meals with. Now I'm not so sure I'm ready to introduce him to people in my life. Not without a serious conversation. Two: I am fundamentally alone. Just because I wish it weren't so doesn't make it true. Being sick this weekend with nobody to call brings it home to me in a harsh way. No matter what I want and wish for, I am still alone. All those of you who have family and others close to you, be very thankful!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
E2E Midweek Update
198.2 this morning. Lost another pound.
I can tell it's water weight because I can see the lines on my belly again. It's like they're there 2 weeks of the month and the other 2 weeks they're obscured by watery bloat. No matter, as long as the underlying number keeps going down.
I got the good habits back, but as soon as I spent an evening with Dude, the good habits went the way of all good intentions. There's a definite change in the slope of my weight loss since I met Dude. It's slowed down. I have a week of not seeing him coming up, when I can do really good stuff. Then I'll have to work harder on self-control to stay on track when I'm around him. It's not that he's not supportive. It's simple math - he has a lot more calories per day to play with than I do.
One of the things that got my mojo back was reading blogs of successful weight losers and maintainers. People who have the same complicated lives that we all do, yet manage to make success happen. Just like playing any sport with people who are better than me makes me amp up my game - reading how other people fit the exercise and good food choices into complicated lives makes me a stronger dieter. It makes it easier to make choices that make me go, "waaah, I don't wanna eat more lettuce!!!"
I don't think I'm going to go into another challenge right now. The rigor of the CDCC and E2E made ALL the difference for my 70-ish pounds that I lost, but I want to take a break. My job is getting more difficult and I should put the time I spend blogging into doing my job. I enjoy blogging, so I tend to do it before doing things that I enjoy less. Like work. I'm gonna finish the E2E strong (watch how I wear the challenge pants! They almost fit!), and then I'm going to keep blogging as long as it helps me continue in the right direction. But I don't see myself being a weight-loss blogger forever. Eventually, I'll probably shut down this blog and go back to my other blog, a thinner woman.
I can tell it's water weight because I can see the lines on my belly again. It's like they're there 2 weeks of the month and the other 2 weeks they're obscured by watery bloat. No matter, as long as the underlying number keeps going down.
I got the good habits back, but as soon as I spent an evening with Dude, the good habits went the way of all good intentions. There's a definite change in the slope of my weight loss since I met Dude. It's slowed down. I have a week of not seeing him coming up, when I can do really good stuff. Then I'll have to work harder on self-control to stay on track when I'm around him. It's not that he's not supportive. It's simple math - he has a lot more calories per day to play with than I do.
One of the things that got my mojo back was reading blogs of successful weight losers and maintainers. People who have the same complicated lives that we all do, yet manage to make success happen. Just like playing any sport with people who are better than me makes me amp up my game - reading how other people fit the exercise and good food choices into complicated lives makes me a stronger dieter. It makes it easier to make choices that make me go, "waaah, I don't wanna eat more lettuce!!!"
I don't think I'm going to go into another challenge right now. The rigor of the CDCC and E2E made ALL the difference for my 70-ish pounds that I lost, but I want to take a break. My job is getting more difficult and I should put the time I spend blogging into doing my job. I enjoy blogging, so I tend to do it before doing things that I enjoy less. Like work. I'm gonna finish the E2E strong (watch how I wear the challenge pants! They almost fit!), and then I'm going to keep blogging as long as it helps me continue in the right direction. But I don't see myself being a weight-loss blogger forever. Eventually, I'll probably shut down this blog and go back to my other blog, a thinner woman.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday - Almost!! Again.
Even though I wrote that I was thinking about doing a maintenance-y, lose-y thing, what I meant was that I wanted to DO maintenance and GET RESULTS like I was still losing. The physics doesn't work like that. If I want to lose, I have to ACT like I want to lose. Dieting and maintaining are two different things.
I got loose with what I ate (hello, rice and pasta are NOT foods that I can have every week and still lose) and with portion sizes. My not-weight loss last week shows that if I'm gonna eat like maintenance, that's what I'll get. We get out what we put in.
I lost discipline on the working out. I ran errands on my lunch hours instead of working out and expected the workout time would just magically happen. It didn't. I have to devote precious time to working out, meaning I'll have to NOT do other things. If I don't work out, I don't get results. It's pretty simple and it doesn't happen without me making workouts a priority over other things, like finishing construction work on my house.
I still want to lose 15-30 more pounds, so I can't stop. Dieting isn't hard when I put my mind to it and do it. I can't slack off and hope that magically weight will evaporate from me. I did that for 10 years and gained 100 pounds. I don't want to be in a place where I'm trying to lose, but not very hard and I'm in some never-never land where I never reach goal. I wanna git somewhere fast-ish and then change over to maintenance.
So here it is:
I'm gonna (continue to) DIET until I hit 185 and then think about continuing down to 169. I re-upped Sunday and Monday, did good food, some juicing, some Jillian Michaels, and lost 2+ pounds. I'm SO SO SO close to Onederland and the momentum is there to keep going. I had my slack off time and my wandering in the woods last week. Now I'm back and focused.
Good day all!!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
E2E Update - What To Do with This??
202.4 this morning.
Waist: 36
Hips: 46
Thigh: 27
Food: Over 1300 Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Exercise: Only 3 days
Book: Nope
Support: I only supported my buddy plus 2 others. I was busy at work this week which is when I usually do this. Unfortunately I can't see my buddy's vlogs from work or from my ipad. Boo.
It was a really really busy week this week. Class went to 10pm on Monday and Wednesday and 9 on Friday. I hung out with Dude the other 2 evenings. On Friday he found out that a close friend of his in Germany committed suicide, so he came over with a bottle of booze and spaghetti with fixins - and made me dinner. That's about the sweetest thing ever! I wasn't about to say, "but spaghetti isn't on my plan!" I ate everything he made; triscuits and cheese, asparagus soup, spaghetti with creamy sauce and chicken, and chocolate for dessert. And I drank with him. A lot less than he did. But still. It was a lot of calories, I didn't even bother to count.
Then yesterday I made a driving route that took us down a lot of twisty country roads as we drove to a little walky town with shops. Trying to distract him a little bit from his sadness but still give him mental space to process stuff. The barbeque pulled pork didn't have anything to do with distraction, and neither did the onion rings. That was a total slip.
So now I have THIS in my refrigerator. Left over spaghetti and left over pulled pork. Leftover rice from Thursday's chinese and leftover veggies and pineapple from Tuesday's grill-out.
I had to throw the spaghetti away.
I love pasta and have no problem eating it on special occasions. I used to eat it all the time, but while I won't cut it out altogether, I can't let myself eat it like I used to. Friday was a special occasion, but today is not. When I caught myself standing in front of the fridge, eating the sketty cold, I realized I had to throw it away.
All of last week's busyness and plans changing made it so I only worked out 3 times, which distresses me. For one of those times, I rushed and ended up cutting the workout short. That's something I can't allow to continue. Twice, coworkers asked if I wanted to jog at lunchtime, but I made excuses. Gonna jump on that next time.
I can still hit my goal of breaking into Onederland by April 1st, but I'm going to have to focus to do it. Dude is entertaining overseas visitors this week and next week, so I'll have an easier time staying on plan. Originally, we weren't going to see each other for the entire time, but I'm pretty happy that he's already set up the expectation that the other guys will take care of themselves Tuesday evening, and scheduled for me to bring my running shoes over to his place so we can go jogging together. That's encouraging on so many levels, I can hardly stand it.
On that note I'll sign off and post this update.
My quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Waist: 36
Hips: 46
Thigh: 27
Food: Over 1300 Thursday, Friday, Saturday
Exercise: Only 3 days
Book: Nope
Support: I only supported my buddy plus 2 others. I was busy at work this week which is when I usually do this. Unfortunately I can't see my buddy's vlogs from work or from my ipad. Boo.
It was a really really busy week this week. Class went to 10pm on Monday and Wednesday and 9 on Friday. I hung out with Dude the other 2 evenings. On Friday he found out that a close friend of his in Germany committed suicide, so he came over with a bottle of booze and spaghetti with fixins - and made me dinner. That's about the sweetest thing ever! I wasn't about to say, "but spaghetti isn't on my plan!" I ate everything he made; triscuits and cheese, asparagus soup, spaghetti with creamy sauce and chicken, and chocolate for dessert. And I drank with him. A lot less than he did. But still. It was a lot of calories, I didn't even bother to count.
Then yesterday I made a driving route that took us down a lot of twisty country roads as we drove to a little walky town with shops. Trying to distract him a little bit from his sadness but still give him mental space to process stuff. The barbeque pulled pork didn't have anything to do with distraction, and neither did the onion rings. That was a total slip.
So now I have THIS in my refrigerator. Left over spaghetti and left over pulled pork. Leftover rice from Thursday's chinese and leftover veggies and pineapple from Tuesday's grill-out.
I had to throw the spaghetti away.
I love pasta and have no problem eating it on special occasions. I used to eat it all the time, but while I won't cut it out altogether, I can't let myself eat it like I used to. Friday was a special occasion, but today is not. When I caught myself standing in front of the fridge, eating the sketty cold, I realized I had to throw it away.
All of last week's busyness and plans changing made it so I only worked out 3 times, which distresses me. For one of those times, I rushed and ended up cutting the workout short. That's something I can't allow to continue. Twice, coworkers asked if I wanted to jog at lunchtime, but I made excuses. Gonna jump on that next time.
I can still hit my goal of breaking into Onederland by April 1st, but I'm going to have to focus to do it. Dude is entertaining overseas visitors this week and next week, so I'll have an easier time staying on plan. Originally, we weren't going to see each other for the entire time, but I'm pretty happy that he's already set up the expectation that the other guys will take care of themselves Tuesday evening, and scheduled for me to bring my running shoes over to his place so we can go jogging together. That's encouraging on so many levels, I can hardly stand it.
On that note I'll sign off and post this update.
My quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
E2E Midweek Update - Not Yet
I was 200.2 yesterday morning and thought I might break into Onederland today. Except for the puffiness around my belly and the not-peeing out all my tea. And the evening weigh-in saying I was 203.4. If I lost my standard 2 pounds overnight, I'd go the wrong direction. Which is what happened.
So I'm 201.2 this morning.
So I'm 201.2 this morning.
I've had a metallic taste in my mouth for the last week. It's annoying because Diet Coke and my tea taste like crap. My working hypothesis is that the metallic taste is because I've been in ketosis. I've had less than 100 gm of carbs about 6/7 days for the last several weeks. So yesterday I had a brownie with fudge frosting to knock myself out of ketosis (and get my calories up to ~1350). The brownie was YUMMY and was 60 of the 84 gm of carbs I had yesterday.
It worked too well. No metallic taste today, but one extra pound of water on the hips. Sigh. Guess I'll extend the Onederland anticipation a few more days.
I'm wearing some form fitting Liz Claiborne pants that are size 16. This morning I tried on some Levis that I can't wait to fit into - size 12 relaxed fit. They're only a little tighter than what I've got on. It's funny how there's such a range of sizes for the same body. It reminded me of a goal - wear size 12 pants consistently.
I'm also reminded that I need to look up my goals and rewards from when I started the CDCC in September. I think I said I'd get another tattoo when I hit 200 pounds! Here's my first tattoo.
I got this tattoo on my finger right after I got divorced 14 years ago. It represented my promise to myself to be more careful if I ever consider getting married again, something I badly wanted and still want. Over the years I dated a bunch of wrong dudes and I'd look at my finger and know that I'd never consider marrying them. The tattoo is sort of a barrier to another ring going onto my ring finger.
I'm seriously considering getting it lightened or partially/mostly removed. Now that I'm learning how to take care of myself emotionally all the time, I don't feel the need to remind myself or advertise something that came from a negative place.
For a new tattoo, I'm thinking about something about honoring my body (yeah, ink to honor my body. I get how odd that is). I'm thinking words, and I'm thinking on the part of my body I like the most. My belly, on the front-side. The words that come to mind are, "Treat Me Right." The only problem is that the words come from a Pat Benetar song where she's trying to get a guy to stop treating her wrong. So, um, not exactly coming from a positive place.
I'll keep pondering what my new tat should be. Looks like I'll have more time to consider it before I can give myself the gift.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday
200.8 this morning. Got rid of last week's 2-pound gain.
I've only lost 5-6 pounds in the last month (average over the past 7 months has been 9 pounds per month). It still looks like I'll break through the 200 pound barrier in the next week.
I wanna keep going to 185 (last weight I successfully maintained) and then to 169 (no longer overweight), but I'm going to be less rigorous about it. I may start doing a lose-y, maintain-y thing where my eating life looks closer to maintenance and I settle into a workout schedule that I can do long-term. I'm close to the point where as long as I'm moving downward, I'm OK with doing it slooowly.
Thanks for all the supportive comments about Dude. After the conversation we had last weekend, I find that I have no urge to go back online to check his status (at least so far). I do trust that he's not meeting anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! He's completely new to online dating and honestly didn't know until I pointed it out to him. There's no upside to me checking again.
We had a really nice weekend. We went to a farmer's market in Saratoga Springs, then took a long nature walk. Then checked out an Irish pub for the whole St Patrick's Day experience (his first in the US). Later we grilled out burgers and had sweet potato medallions, bare burgers and mixed greens salad for dinner. He stayed over. Then Sunday he helped with construction work on my bathroom and we smoked a big hunk of salmon on the grill and had it with broccoli. I had EMT class last night, but we'll get together this evening for our first joint workout, then dinner prepared by him. I have to keep on reminding myself (like, constantly) to focus on the moment and enjoy what's going on right now. 'Cause there's a lot to enjoy.
I started serious weight loss on Sept 1 at 264 pounds. I've been eating about 1300 calories a day and working out 5 days a week for roughly 200-250 cals per workout. Losing 63 pounds in 7 months has been a wonderful, empowering dream. Random people from work are stopping me and telling me that I look great, which makes me feel good, but a little uncomfortable. Someone actually said that I'm getting thin and I don't need to lose any more, letting me know I'm pretty close to the goal. I can cross my legs for real and feel my hips when I'm laying down!
While I want to keep going with the losing, I also need to get used to not being invisible any more. Get used to people looking at me again and how they look at me, and how people interact with me differently than a year ago. The CDCC and E2E challenges and the support from you guys has completely made the difference in me being able to get this far!
I wanna keep going to 185 (last weight I successfully maintained) and then to 169 (no longer overweight), but I'm going to be less rigorous about it. I may start doing a lose-y, maintain-y thing where my eating life looks closer to maintenance and I settle into a workout schedule that I can do long-term. I'm close to the point where as long as I'm moving downward, I'm OK with doing it slooowly.
Thanks for all the supportive comments about Dude. After the conversation we had last weekend, I find that I have no urge to go back online to check his status (at least so far). I do trust that he's not meeting anyone else - he's spending all his free time with me! He's completely new to online dating and honestly didn't know until I pointed it out to him. There's no upside to me checking again.
We had a really nice weekend. We went to a farmer's market in Saratoga Springs, then took a long nature walk. Then checked out an Irish pub for the whole St Patrick's Day experience (his first in the US). Later we grilled out burgers and had sweet potato medallions, bare burgers and mixed greens salad for dinner. He stayed over. Then Sunday he helped with construction work on my bathroom and we smoked a big hunk of salmon on the grill and had it with broccoli. I had EMT class last night, but we'll get together this evening for our first joint workout, then dinner prepared by him. I have to keep on reminding myself (like, constantly) to focus on the moment and enjoy what's going on right now. 'Cause there's a lot to enjoy.
I started serious weight loss on Sept 1 at 264 pounds. I've been eating about 1300 calories a day and working out 5 days a week for roughly 200-250 cals per workout. Losing 63 pounds in 7 months has been a wonderful, empowering dream. Random people from work are stopping me and telling me that I look great, which makes me feel good, but a little uncomfortable. Someone actually said that I'm getting thin and I don't need to lose any more, letting me know I'm pretty close to the goal. I can cross my legs for real and feel my hips when I'm laying down!
While I want to keep going with the losing, I also need to get used to not being invisible any more. Get used to people looking at me again and how they look at me, and how people interact with me differently than a year ago. The CDCC and E2E challenges and the support from you guys has completely made the difference in me being able to get this far!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
E2E Update
201.4 this morning, 201.6 last week for 0.2 pound loss this week, E2E start 222
Waist: 35+, E2E start 36
Hips: 47, E2E start 48
Thigh: 27, E2E start 28
It was a weird week and not in a great way. Exercise was on the low side and eating was on the high side. I spent a major part of the week being uncomfortable about the whole thing with Dude (still am). The specifics are still great. I'm working on the discomfort with a therapist, so I'm doing OK, all things considered. He told me yesterday how comfortable he is being with me and asked if I feel the same way, which was my opportunity to say, "yes, but since you're still going on match.com, I'm not entirely relaxed." He said he'd checked to see if he could take his profile completely off rather than just make it invisible, but wasn't able to figure it out. Whatever. I'll stop being bothered about it when he's not going on match every day. It seems pretty simple to me. Bleh. Yeah, still in a mood, I guess.
Book: No
Support: Got the minimum covered, but didn't excel this week.
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Waist: 35+, E2E start 36
Hips: 47, E2E start 48
Thigh: 27, E2E start 28
It was a weird week and not in a great way. Exercise was on the low side and eating was on the high side. I spent a major part of the week being uncomfortable about the whole thing with Dude (still am). The specifics are still great. I'm working on the discomfort with a therapist, so I'm doing OK, all things considered. He told me yesterday how comfortable he is being with me and asked if I feel the same way, which was my opportunity to say, "yes, but since you're still going on match.com, I'm not entirely relaxed." He said he'd checked to see if he could take his profile completely off rather than just make it invisible, but wasn't able to figure it out. Whatever. I'll stop being bothered about it when he's not going on match every day. It seems pretty simple to me. Bleh. Yeah, still in a mood, I guess.
Book: No
Support: Got the minimum covered, but didn't excel this week.
Quote: Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Friday
Gained 2 pounds overnight, up to 203.2. Gotta be TOM since I didn't eat 7000 extra calories. I also think it's TOM because I've got the TOM mood.
For one day prior to TOM, everything stinks. Everything seems bad. I interpret everything in the worst possible light and it seems like there's nothing to look forward to and everything is crappy. I won't go into the details because I'm pretty sure everything is in reality, fine.
Today being the Friday before St. Patrick's Day, the office is emptying out fast. I'm gonna take off after my 1:30 meeting and head to the Salvation Army for a little retail therapy. Then I'm gonna come back to the gym at work and work my buns off for a long Friday afternoon workout. Then a stop at the grocery store and home. We miscommunicated the last 2 weeks and I rushed the workout and skipped errands to spend time with Dude. This week I tried to set expectations that we may not see each other tonight at all, cause I wanted to workout and stuff. Now I can take my time and enjoy doing good things for myself.
I don't really want to go, but we may end up seeing the St Patrick's Day parade in my city. Dude's never experienced an American St Paddy's Day, so I feel like I should show him the drunken debauchery and awfullness that happens around here. Or at least the parade. Around here, the day starts with breakfast at a bar, then the rounds of certain places and then the parade at 2 in the afternoon. I haven't seen it here yet, but I've been in other cities and I can imagine what it will be like. I'm not sure whether it will be good or bad to experience it all over again with the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time.
I'm hoping I can make it through today without being too negative or ruining anything good and that I feel better tomorrow. Head down, one foot in front of the other. Don't mess up, don't mess up.
For one day prior to TOM, everything stinks. Everything seems bad. I interpret everything in the worst possible light and it seems like there's nothing to look forward to and everything is crappy. I won't go into the details because I'm pretty sure everything is in reality, fine.
Today being the Friday before St. Patrick's Day, the office is emptying out fast. I'm gonna take off after my 1:30 meeting and head to the Salvation Army for a little retail therapy. Then I'm gonna come back to the gym at work and work my buns off for a long Friday afternoon workout. Then a stop at the grocery store and home. We miscommunicated the last 2 weeks and I rushed the workout and skipped errands to spend time with Dude. This week I tried to set expectations that we may not see each other tonight at all, cause I wanted to workout and stuff. Now I can take my time and enjoy doing good things for myself.
I don't really want to go, but we may end up seeing the St Patrick's Day parade in my city. Dude's never experienced an American St Paddy's Day, so I feel like I should show him the drunken debauchery and awfullness that happens around here. Or at least the parade. Around here, the day starts with breakfast at a bar, then the rounds of certain places and then the parade at 2 in the afternoon. I haven't seen it here yet, but I've been in other cities and I can imagine what it will be like. I'm not sure whether it will be good or bad to experience it all over again with the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time.
I'm hoping I can make it through today without being too negative or ruining anything good and that I feel better tomorrow. Head down, one foot in front of the other. Don't mess up, don't mess up.
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