The more I read blogs of folks who make a living off of nutrition and health stuff, the more I learn. Recently I learned the term "refeeding," which basically means eating a bunch after not eating so much. For example, I eat 1200 calories per day for 6 days a week and then let myself eat whatever I want on the 7th day. That would be refeeding. I don't do that. I eat 1200 calories per day every day. Or at least, I try, and mostly succeed.
So I've been eating pretty well this week and had saved up calories for a little splurge yesterday. Some girls from work are starting a regular happy hour thing and I'm tickled pink to be invited - hell yeah I'm going to go! Then I had a pizza dinner date with TaxMan afterward. So I put 400 calories for 2 beers into MFP and 660 calories for 2 pieces of pizza.
Except when I was at the pizza place, I had 3 pieces of pizza instead of 2. Hm. Yup, it was a slip and I feel a little bad about it. My ideal world has lots of socializing in it, and I'll need to be able to control my impulses a little better if I want to be successful. In my pizza lust, I forgot one of the things I've been holding onto - the first bite tastes the best. I want to savor it. (But the last bite tasted pretty good, too!)
The scale only went up a little this morning. Sigh. Gotta keep repeating, "I'm in this for the long haul. This is what the rest of my life looks like, etc, etc, etc." And then remember the taste of that pizza, cause it was good, and I'm not going to have it again for quite a while!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
CICO Math
I'm a geek. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I'm the person that keeps track of the gas mpg on every single tank of gas. When I'm driving on a long trip, I'm the person that keeps calculating and recalculating my average miles per hour and arrival time based on mile markers vs speedometer reading. Yeah. I do it for fun.
I've been following the scientific debate in the blogosphere about what makes us fat. There's the carb hypothesis, the food reward hypothesis, and lots of others. And then there's the good old calories in - calories out hypothesis (CICO in certain circles, which gets fixed by ELMM, eat less, move more). One of the bloggers I like, Carbsane, sent out a request for anyone, anyone to give her a scientifically validated example of someone that ate more calories and lost weight, or ate fewer calories and gained weight.
Which got me thinking about Mir's figuring last week of how many calories she would be able to maintain her weight on.
Which got me thinking about what my maintenance calories would be.
Which got me in the mood to do some CICO calculatin'...
Since September 1, I've lost 27 pounds, which (at 3500 kcals per pound) is 94,500 kcalories deficit in 10-1/2 weeks. Or 9000 calories per week deficit. (Or 1285 calories per day.) Looking at it a different way, if I ate 1285 calories per day more than I eat, there would be no deficit and I wouldn't lose weight.
For the last few weeks I've been eating about 1200 calories per day. The above seems to indicate that I could eat 2485 calories per day if I wanted to maintain - which I have a hard time believing. If we assume that 7 pounds of the 27 was water weight, then my deficit is still 952 calories per day and I could eat 2150 calories per day. Still hard to swallow (that was punny! hahaha).
I don't believe for a minute that I could eat 2150-2450 calories per day and not gain weight. But I also didn't journal my food when I was fat. Maybe that's what I was eating!
Of course looking backward is easier than looking forward. I have no idea how my metabolism is going to change as I get smaller. Scientific research and anecdotes from successful losers say that it will slow down. A smaller body takes less energy to maintain, and 1200 calories will be less of a deficit. In a few months when I'm still eating 1200 calories per day but not losing as fast, I can re-do the above calculation and probably arrive at a completely different result. The days of 2150-2450 calories per day are gone, gone, gone!
Weight this morning was 236.4. No real loss this week so far. I'm being consistent with eating and exercise though, and my history indicates that I'll probably get my entire loss for the week in 1 or 2 days, probably this weekend.
I've been following the scientific debate in the blogosphere about what makes us fat. There's the carb hypothesis, the food reward hypothesis, and lots of others. And then there's the good old calories in - calories out hypothesis (CICO in certain circles, which gets fixed by ELMM, eat less, move more). One of the bloggers I like, Carbsane, sent out a request for anyone, anyone to give her a scientifically validated example of someone that ate more calories and lost weight, or ate fewer calories and gained weight.
Which got me thinking about Mir's figuring last week of how many calories she would be able to maintain her weight on.
Which got me thinking about what my maintenance calories would be.
Which got me in the mood to do some CICO calculatin'...
Since September 1, I've lost 27 pounds, which (at 3500 kcals per pound) is 94,500 kcalories deficit in 10-1/2 weeks. Or 9000 calories per week deficit. (Or 1285 calories per day.) Looking at it a different way, if I ate 1285 calories per day more than I eat, there would be no deficit and I wouldn't lose weight.
For the last few weeks I've been eating about 1200 calories per day. The above seems to indicate that I could eat 2485 calories per day if I wanted to maintain - which I have a hard time believing. If we assume that 7 pounds of the 27 was water weight, then my deficit is still 952 calories per day and I could eat 2150 calories per day. Still hard to swallow (that was punny! hahaha).
I don't believe for a minute that I could eat 2150-2450 calories per day and not gain weight. But I also didn't journal my food when I was fat. Maybe that's what I was eating!
Of course looking backward is easier than looking forward. I have no idea how my metabolism is going to change as I get smaller. Scientific research and anecdotes from successful losers say that it will slow down. A smaller body takes less energy to maintain, and 1200 calories will be less of a deficit. In a few months when I'm still eating 1200 calories per day but not losing as fast, I can re-do the above calculation and probably arrive at a completely different result. The days of 2150-2450 calories per day are gone, gone, gone!
Weight this morning was 236.4. No real loss this week so far. I'm being consistent with eating and exercise though, and my history indicates that I'll probably get my entire loss for the week in 1 or 2 days, probably this weekend.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Meditation Stuff
I feel great. I think the meditation workshop on Saturday has left me with a peaceful core, at least for the moment. It's been so long (like years and years) since I've been peaceful inside that I'm shaking my head at how wonderful it feels. I read over the seven essential attitudes that I learned about at the beginning of the class and can see how much better I am at these than I was a month ago.
I love these seven essential attitudes so much, I want to share them:
Nonjudging: Mindfullness is compassionate, openhearted, choiceless awareness. It is cultivated by taking the position of an unbiased, attentive witness to your own experience as it happens in the present moment. To do this requires that you begin to relate the contents of experience without judgement, as the present moment unfolds. When you practice mindfullness, it is important to recognize the judging quality of mind and identify judgemental thinking as it arises.
Patience: Pateince is the ability to bear difficulty with calmness and self-control. It requires connection with your calm inner core and also some faith and courage. Patience also requires a degree of kindness and compassion for yourself as you bear the upset of the situation. Often impatience arises when the ego, the self-centered part in each of us, screams for thing to be different than they are.
Beginner's Mind: To practice beginner's mind means to open to the experience in each moment as if meeting it for the first time. Though you may have experienced a thousand sunsets, you have not experienced this particular sunset. The same is true of a lifetime of breaths, or the hundredth time you taste your favorite dessert. This particular breath and this particular taste have never happened before and will never happen again.
Trust: A basic part of learning to meditate is learning to trust yourself and your feelings. You learn to trust that you can see clearly what is actually happening to you.
Nonstriving: We spend so much of our lives doing things and trying to change things. This pressure to do and to change is felt as striving, or straining to be different, to go elsewhere, or to do something else. The practice of mindfullness involves simply paying attention, without judgement, to whatever is happening. In this sense, meditation is a unique human activity. Meditation is about non-doing instead of doing. To practice meditation is to practice being, not doing.
Acceptance: Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember, things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this monent if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Letting Go: Letting go, or non-attachment is another attitude essential to mindfullness. Much of the time people are practicing the opposite attiude, clinging, without even knowing it. Often what you cling to most strongly are ideas and views about yourself, others and situations. Don't get caught up in good or bad, high or low, pleasant or unpleasant. Just let your experience be what it is, moment by moment. This letting be is actually a way of letting go. By not interfering, by just letting things be, you give them a better chance to go.
I love these seven essential attitudes so much, I want to share them:
Nonjudging: Mindfullness is compassionate, openhearted, choiceless awareness. It is cultivated by taking the position of an unbiased, attentive witness to your own experience as it happens in the present moment. To do this requires that you begin to relate the contents of experience without judgement, as the present moment unfolds. When you practice mindfullness, it is important to recognize the judging quality of mind and identify judgemental thinking as it arises.
Patience: Pateince is the ability to bear difficulty with calmness and self-control. It requires connection with your calm inner core and also some faith and courage. Patience also requires a degree of kindness and compassion for yourself as you bear the upset of the situation. Often impatience arises when the ego, the self-centered part in each of us, screams for thing to be different than they are.
Beginner's Mind: To practice beginner's mind means to open to the experience in each moment as if meeting it for the first time. Though you may have experienced a thousand sunsets, you have not experienced this particular sunset. The same is true of a lifetime of breaths, or the hundredth time you taste your favorite dessert. This particular breath and this particular taste have never happened before and will never happen again.
Trust: A basic part of learning to meditate is learning to trust yourself and your feelings. You learn to trust that you can see clearly what is actually happening to you.
Nonstriving: We spend so much of our lives doing things and trying to change things. This pressure to do and to change is felt as striving, or straining to be different, to go elsewhere, or to do something else. The practice of mindfullness involves simply paying attention, without judgement, to whatever is happening. In this sense, meditation is a unique human activity. Meditation is about non-doing instead of doing. To practice meditation is to practice being, not doing.
Acceptance: Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember, things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this monent if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Letting Go: Letting go, or non-attachment is another attitude essential to mindfullness. Much of the time people are practicing the opposite attiude, clinging, without even knowing it. Often what you cling to most strongly are ideas and views about yourself, others and situations. Don't get caught up in good or bad, high or low, pleasant or unpleasant. Just let your experience be what it is, moment by moment. This letting be is actually a way of letting go. By not interfering, by just letting things be, you give them a better chance to go.
Fire Up for Fall Update
I started this post yesterday and got busy. Second attempt:
I weighed myself Monday and Tuesday morning at 236.8, up 0.8 from Sunday. I think I weighed myself 4 times, so I know for sure that that's what I weigh. I know I ate right Sunday (well, it was <1100 calories, even if some of it was leftover apple crumble!) and worked out Monday morning on the elliptical. As long as I practice the right behaviors, I'm not terribly worried about the scale from day to day (as long as it mooooves).
I felt great emotionally on Monday, and when there was extra food after a lunch meeting, I got an Italian Mix wrap (1/2), and a sugar cookie. OMG, that was a mistake! It's been so long since I've had italian mix meats that my gut flora can't digest it any more. It was a rough afternoon of discomfort.
I'm really getting off on feeling my muscles growing. Other times I've lost weight, I've done it without working out, so it's been YEARS since I felt a muscle. I pulled a workout off Pinterest that struck me as do-able and not time-consuming (I changed the numbers to make it easier to remember and may try to work up to the whole thing).
First thing in the morning:
50 jumping jacks
40 second plank
30 crunches
20 mountain climbers
10 pushups
5 burpees
I'm putting off starting Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred because I remember how tough it is! I definitely want to give it a shot before the end of the year though.
Anyway, here's the Fire Up for Fall update:
Positive picture is me in the blue lace dress. For comparison, I added a shot from August before I started. Ugh, I can hardly look at my huge bootay. Or rather, my formerly huge bootay! I'll put the same clothes on and re-take that pic later this week.
3. What is the most positive thing you've taken away from this challenge?
I'm always so serious and so private that it was very nice to relax and open up a little and answer questions about myself, about things that I normally don't even think about - like the last question today!
5. Fun Stuff: Desert Island, you can take 1 person, 1 famous person and 3 items besides food and water. Who and What do you take?I want the one person to be somebody that I can have great sex with, and talk to for hours and hours and hours. The problem is that I don't have anybody like that in my life. Even if you take away the great sex part, I still don't have anybody that I'd like to talk to for hours and hours and hours. Hm. Sad. I'm going to save a space for that person. Famous person: because I'm high on the whole meditation thing, I'll go with Thich Nhat Hanh, a famous Buddhist teacher. I'd always be learning, and seeing the joy in every moment. Wonderful!
Three items would be my mp3 player and a solar charger because I can't live without music, and a huge towel/blanket to dry off, sleep on, etc.
I weighed myself Monday and Tuesday morning at 236.8, up 0.8 from Sunday. I think I weighed myself 4 times, so I know for sure that that's what I weigh. I know I ate right Sunday (well, it was <1100 calories, even if some of it was leftover apple crumble!) and worked out Monday morning on the elliptical. As long as I practice the right behaviors, I'm not terribly worried about the scale from day to day (as long as it mooooves).
I felt great emotionally on Monday, and when there was extra food after a lunch meeting, I got an Italian Mix wrap (1/2), and a sugar cookie. OMG, that was a mistake! It's been so long since I've had italian mix meats that my gut flora can't digest it any more. It was a rough afternoon of discomfort.
I'm really getting off on feeling my muscles growing. Other times I've lost weight, I've done it without working out, so it's been YEARS since I felt a muscle. I pulled a workout off Pinterest that struck me as do-able and not time-consuming (I changed the numbers to make it easier to remember and may try to work up to the whole thing).
First thing in the morning:
50 jumping jacks
40 second plank
30 crunches
20 mountain climbers
10 pushups
5 burpees
I'm putting off starting Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred because I remember how tough it is! I definitely want to give it a shot before the end of the year though.
Anyway, here's the Fire Up for Fall update:
Positive picture is me in the blue lace dress. For comparison, I added a shot from August before I started. Ugh, I can hardly look at my huge bootay. Or rather, my formerly huge bootay! I'll put the same clothes on and re-take that pic later this week.
1. What have you done this week towards your goals? Worked out most days and ate within my calorie goals. My emotional upheaval of the past month seems to have calmed down. I still don't have friends that I can feel comfortable and be myself around, but I'm feeling better that things are moving in the right direction.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I tried on my blue lace dress and found that it mostly fits now!!
I did an all-day meditation workshop that left me feeling very peaceful and whole.
3. What is the most positive thing you've taken away from this challenge?
I'm always so serious and so private that it was very nice to relax and open up a little and answer questions about myself, about things that I normally don't even think about - like the last question today!
4. It's your last week, the run to the finish, what is your priority?
When I started this challenge, I was focused on working out a lot and pushing myself physically. That hasn't turned out the way I expected (because I'm pretty busy, and I've been sedentary for over 25 years), but I've done OK at doing 30 minutes of exercise most days of the week (elliptical/weights). Consistency at a lower level rather than going for flash and burning out has worked well. I think I want to push myself a little more this week, with heavier weight workouts, and doing more difficult elliptical/sweating workouts on alternate days. Then I'll come back to the workouts I am doing now and it will feel easy-peasy.
5. Fun Stuff: Desert Island, you can take 1 person, 1 famous person and 3 items besides food and water. Who and What do you take?
Three items would be my mp3 player and a solar charger because I can't live without music, and a huge towel/blanket to dry off, sleep on, etc.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
CDCC Update
236, a loss of 1.8 pounds this week, and 40 pounds down from my all time high of 276.
I'm really happy with the loss because I did a lot of socializing this week and ate stuff that I probably shouldn'ta, like hummus, pepperoni and cheese slices, 2 tiny pieces of cake, a brownie, etc, etc. I was driving to a party Friday night thinking about the techniques of staying away from the food and keeping my hands full so I couldn't eat - and then it turned out that everyone was SITTING around the table with the food. Hm.
I tried to eat for taste rather than quantity, remembering that the first bite is always the best, and did semi-OK taking very, very small pieces of the bad stuff. After a few hours, it was getting easier and easier to eat, and I was getting tired, so I left rather than make dumb choices I'd regret later.
Then on Saturday we had an all day meditation retreat from 10-4. Every half-hour we'd change from sitting to walking meditation or vice-versa. We didn't talk AT ALL during that time. Wow - what an experience. There are 2 more weeks of the class, and I gotta say - if you have a chance to learn how to meditate or take a meditation class, take it! My stress level has gone waaay down over the last few weeks. Nothing in my life has changed, other than how I handle the stress.
For the retreat, we were supposed to bring food, so I brought deviled eggs. If I felt the temptation to overeat, I knew I could eat my eggs and fill up on complete protein. I don't want to be "On a diet" or "Off a diet," so this past week felt like good practice for the future when I'm maintaining. Eating everything I want to eat, just not very much of it.
Met with the therapist on Thursday and told her that one of the things I want to work on is not repeating my past pattern of losing weight, getting emotionally derailed by something and then using fettucini carbonara and Kraft macaroni and cheese to comfort myself.
I'm feeling hopeful that this time losing weight might turn out better than the other times, I'm learning non-food techniques to take care of myself and beginning to explore my patterns and history. I'm SO looking forward to being a normal weight again and being healthier at 50 than I was at 40. Or 30! All I gotta do is continue what I've been doing for the last 2-1/2 months. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my ultimate goal of 169, but since I haven't been able to hit that in 20 years, I might possibly be happy with 185. And that is 50 pounds away, meaning I'm almost halfway there. Gosh, I love numbers!
I'm really happy with the loss because I did a lot of socializing this week and ate stuff that I probably shouldn'ta, like hummus, pepperoni and cheese slices, 2 tiny pieces of cake, a brownie, etc, etc. I was driving to a party Friday night thinking about the techniques of staying away from the food and keeping my hands full so I couldn't eat - and then it turned out that everyone was SITTING around the table with the food. Hm.
I tried to eat for taste rather than quantity, remembering that the first bite is always the best, and did semi-OK taking very, very small pieces of the bad stuff. After a few hours, it was getting easier and easier to eat, and I was getting tired, so I left rather than make dumb choices I'd regret later.
Then on Saturday we had an all day meditation retreat from 10-4. Every half-hour we'd change from sitting to walking meditation or vice-versa. We didn't talk AT ALL during that time. Wow - what an experience. There are 2 more weeks of the class, and I gotta say - if you have a chance to learn how to meditate or take a meditation class, take it! My stress level has gone waaay down over the last few weeks. Nothing in my life has changed, other than how I handle the stress.
For the retreat, we were supposed to bring food, so I brought deviled eggs. If I felt the temptation to overeat, I knew I could eat my eggs and fill up on complete protein. I don't want to be "On a diet" or "Off a diet," so this past week felt like good practice for the future when I'm maintaining. Eating everything I want to eat, just not very much of it.
Met with the therapist on Thursday and told her that one of the things I want to work on is not repeating my past pattern of losing weight, getting emotionally derailed by something and then using fettucini carbonara and Kraft macaroni and cheese to comfort myself.
I'm feeling hopeful that this time losing weight might turn out better than the other times, I'm learning non-food techniques to take care of myself and beginning to explore my patterns and history. I'm SO looking forward to being a normal weight again and being healthier at 50 than I was at 40. Or 30! All I gotta do is continue what I've been doing for the last 2-1/2 months. I'm more than 1/3 of the way to my ultimate goal of 169, but since I haven't been able to hit that in 20 years, I might possibly be happy with 185. And that is 50 pounds away, meaning I'm almost halfway there. Gosh, I love numbers!
Friday, November 11, 2011
OMG, OMFG! A Surprising NSV
A few weeks ago I went shopping in my closets and found a dress that I had forgotten I had. It's a vintage blue lace dress with dark rose satin underneath. I wore it once, to a formal event. For the life of me I can't remember when or where that was, although I know it was in Cleveland and I think I was married, which means it was before 1997. I threw out a bunch of too-small clothes over the years, but I'm so glad I kept this dress! It's one of a kind.
I tried to try it on a few weeks ago, but couldn't get the dress over my shoulders.
So - yesterday I was in the middle of about 12 things and walked by the dress, hanging on a mirror. I thought, What the Hell, I'll give it another shot. And....
I can get it on and zip it!!!
It's still tight. My bootay interrupts the fall of the dress and I couldn't comfortably sit down. But - wow! It made my night and I still feel good. It'll look better at the end of the CDCC, and in January at the firehouse annual formal dinner, I'm going to rock this thing! (Now I just need a hot date...)
Check out the blue velvet details on the front and the little bow on the arms. And so cool that lace is in style these days!
I tried to try it on a few weeks ago, but couldn't get the dress over my shoulders.
So - yesterday I was in the middle of about 12 things and walked by the dress, hanging on a mirror. I thought, What the Hell, I'll give it another shot. And....
I can get it on and zip it!!!
Check out the blue velvet details on the front and the little bow on the arms. And so cool that lace is in style these days!
Makes me want to give the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred another try...
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Half Price Wednesday at the Salvation Army
I love it!! I'm a third of the way through my weight loss journey and my clothes are looking pretty baggy. I gave a bunch of size 22 pants away and am wearing 20s and 18s that I kept from the last time I was thin. But I didn't have any shirts that fit well - and I'm feeling good about myself and want to wear more fitted clothes.
This is where the Salvation Army is perfect! It's like renting clothes. I'll re-donate some of the stuff I bought last winter that's too big now, and pick up clothes that look good. Yesterday's trip cost me 14 bucks. Fourteen dollars!! And I got nice shirts that I can wear to work. The yellow turtleneck is an Izod - and cost me $2.50! I tried on a Ralph Lauren turtleneck, but didn't buy it because it didn't fit well. Too big, and too short. A turtleneck should tuck into the pants, since the whole purpose of a turtleneck is to keep me warm.
I'm having dinner at a friend's house tonight and I'm going to enjoy myself. My calories this week so far have been around 1000-1100 a day which MFP says is too low (interesting that my calorie goal is 1240 a day, but anything below 1200 and MFP says I'm not eating enough!). So if I go over my calories for today, I'm not worried. Plus, my stomach is small now and I can't eat very much before I get full. I wanna keep it that way.
237.0 this morning. After the big jumps down last week, it's still going down. Slowly. MFP says I could be 222 in 5 weeks, which is the end of the CDCC. If so, that would be a dream. I'm motivated!!
This is where the Salvation Army is perfect! It's like renting clothes. I'll re-donate some of the stuff I bought last winter that's too big now, and pick up clothes that look good. Yesterday's trip cost me 14 bucks. Fourteen dollars!! And I got nice shirts that I can wear to work. The yellow turtleneck is an Izod - and cost me $2.50! I tried on a Ralph Lauren turtleneck, but didn't buy it because it didn't fit well. Too big, and too short. A turtleneck should tuck into the pants, since the whole purpose of a turtleneck is to keep me warm.
I'm having dinner at a friend's house tonight and I'm going to enjoy myself. My calories this week so far have been around 1000-1100 a day which MFP says is too low (interesting that my calorie goal is 1240 a day, but anything below 1200 and MFP says I'm not eating enough!). So if I go over my calories for today, I'm not worried. Plus, my stomach is small now and I can't eat very much before I get full. I wanna keep it that way.
237.0 this morning. After the big jumps down last week, it's still going down. Slowly. MFP says I could be 222 in 5 weeks, which is the end of the CDCC. If so, that would be a dream. I'm motivated!!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Update
A day late, but oh well.
Some of my favorite weight loss bloggers have been struggling recently. It's been really helpful for me to read about it, because it helps me think about and plan for the times when I'm going to struggle. Because I AM going to struggle. This first 25 pounds has been kinda like a walk in the park. I had NO idea that it would only take me 9 weeks. It's got me hyped up to take 3 x 9 more weeks to lose the next 75 pounds, yeah, uh huh, right. I know that's not going to happen. There will be some speedbumps, and maybe I'll never get to 169, which I last saw 20 years ago.
My favorite weight loss bloggers are smart people. They know what to do to avoid a binge. But somehow they slip and lots of times it's a long slip, like weeks or months, while they struggle with how best to take care of themselves. I read their blogs and wonder - What will I do when it happens to me? If I succeed the way I'm hoping to, what was it that made me different? What's the magic juice? The secret sauce?
The answer I think, will be in my head. That is, learning why I felt like I needed to be fat and stay fat, and how to take care of myself emotionally without food. The meditation class has been a big help and I'm sad that it will end in a few weeks. Thursday will be my first meeting with a therapist, hopefully who can help me move myself into a thin person (or at least an average person!!). Saturday is a day-long meditation retreat.
The fire department crap is resolved, I think. Over the last week, I've had conversations with virtually ALL of the management and several others, including the jerk. They've shown a really deep level of support for me that I didn't know existed and made me more confident of my fit there. The jerk is magically not there very often these days! I feel strong enough now, to say, "I win, asshole!"
Now for the update - positive picture below. Love Pinterest! It captures my current thinking of this as the way I'm going to live for the next 9 months, and for the rest of my life. I'm not always going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or bad.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
3. How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between?
4. How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living?
5. What do you like to do for fun?
Some of my favorite weight loss bloggers have been struggling recently. It's been really helpful for me to read about it, because it helps me think about and plan for the times when I'm going to struggle. Because I AM going to struggle. This first 25 pounds has been kinda like a walk in the park. I had NO idea that it would only take me 9 weeks. It's got me hyped up to take 3 x 9 more weeks to lose the next 75 pounds, yeah, uh huh, right. I know that's not going to happen. There will be some speedbumps, and maybe I'll never get to 169, which I last saw 20 years ago.
My favorite weight loss bloggers are smart people. They know what to do to avoid a binge. But somehow they slip and lots of times it's a long slip, like weeks or months, while they struggle with how best to take care of themselves. I read their blogs and wonder - What will I do when it happens to me? If I succeed the way I'm hoping to, what was it that made me different? What's the magic juice? The secret sauce?
The answer I think, will be in my head. That is, learning why I felt like I needed to be fat and stay fat, and how to take care of myself emotionally without food. The meditation class has been a big help and I'm sad that it will end in a few weeks. Thursday will be my first meeting with a therapist, hopefully who can help me move myself into a thin person (or at least an average person!!). Saturday is a day-long meditation retreat.
The fire department crap is resolved, I think. Over the last week, I've had conversations with virtually ALL of the management and several others, including the jerk. They've shown a really deep level of support for me that I didn't know existed and made me more confident of my fit there. The jerk is magically not there very often these days! I feel strong enough now, to say, "I win, asshole!"
Now for the update - positive picture below. Love Pinterest! It captures my current thinking of this as the way I'm going to live for the next 9 months, and for the rest of my life. I'm not always going to be perfect, but that doesn't mean that it's wrong or bad.
1. What have you done this week to work towards your goals?
It feels like working toward my goals has become part of the landscape of my life. It's not noteworthy any more to say that I ate well or that I worked out most days. Practicing meditation has made me calmer and the resolution of recent crap at the firehouse has made me more confident that I'm a worthy person. It feels like things are falling together the right way. One of the meditation sayings: Things are exactly the way they should be.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I tried on old clothes from my closet and found more that fit. I realized that I've got something social going on every day this week, hopefully moving me towards my goal of having real friends.
3. How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between?
I'm so comfortable with my own company that I can spend most weekends at home alone without noticing that I haven't interacted with anyone. I've moved around so much in the last 10 years that I don't have any close friends. It's one of my goals to change that, but I have to sometimes force myself to get out and be with people.
4. How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living?
I wish I knew how to do this well! I'll look at the other challengers for hints.
5. What do you like to do for fun?
I'm terrible at fun.
I let myself relax AFTER I finish everything on my to-do list, and I never finish everything. So I never relax. I need to figure out how to have fun. Last week I read a book. Often I read blogs. I do have knitting or sewing or various creative projects, but most of them are mothballed these days, because there's so much I feel that I must get done.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
CDCC Update
237.8 This morning compared to 241.8 last week for a loss of 4 pounds this week!
I'm getting more and more into the Shake It Up and surprise your body school of thought. I worked out hard a few days this week, but it wasn't the consistent 30 minutes a day that's a goal of mine. I ate really well most days this week, but went off the wagon somthin' fierce on Friday after my boss said, "Cocktails?" at 4:30 Friday afternoon. And I woke up to a 2 pound LOSS Saturday morning! Then I decided to wait until I was hungry to eat on Saturday and ended up having breakfast at 3 in the afternoon.
As long as the weekly calories are good, I think it works well to have some days more and some days less. If I can stand it, I may try Intermittent Fasting on occasion.
I'm SO freakin' thankful that I stumbled on Mir's blog 10 weeks ago and got into the CDCC!!! It's helping me change my life!!
Before then, I was reading blogs on the science of weight loss, but still hoping there was some magic formula to get thinner that didn't involve sweating or starving. And even though I weighed 264 pounds (276 at my highest), I didn't think that being heavy had impacted my life. I thought I wasn't as fat as I was!
But I read her blog and a lot of her old posts and something clicked. And I followed links and read a bunch of other weight loss bloggers and I realized that it's time to stop waiting for something to happen and start making something happen. And I did. And I am. Nine weeks and 25 pounds down, I'm going to blow my CDCC goal of 230-235 out of the water! In March, if I keep going at this rate, I won't be obese any more. I've been obese for 10 years, so this is a big deal! Thankful? Yes!
I'm getting more and more into the Shake It Up and surprise your body school of thought. I worked out hard a few days this week, but it wasn't the consistent 30 minutes a day that's a goal of mine. I ate really well most days this week, but went off the wagon somthin' fierce on Friday after my boss said, "Cocktails?" at 4:30 Friday afternoon. And I woke up to a 2 pound LOSS Saturday morning! Then I decided to wait until I was hungry to eat on Saturday and ended up having breakfast at 3 in the afternoon.
As long as the weekly calories are good, I think it works well to have some days more and some days less. If I can stand it, I may try Intermittent Fasting on occasion.
I'm SO freakin' thankful that I stumbled on Mir's blog 10 weeks ago and got into the CDCC!!! It's helping me change my life!!
Before then, I was reading blogs on the science of weight loss, but still hoping there was some magic formula to get thinner that didn't involve sweating or starving. And even though I weighed 264 pounds (276 at my highest), I didn't think that being heavy had impacted my life. I thought I wasn't as fat as I was!
But I read her blog and a lot of her old posts and something clicked. And I followed links and read a bunch of other weight loss bloggers and I realized that it's time to stop waiting for something to happen and start making something happen. And I did. And I am. Nine weeks and 25 pounds down, I'm going to blow my CDCC goal of 230-235 out of the water! In March, if I keep going at this rate, I won't be obese any more. I've been obese for 10 years, so this is a big deal! Thankful? Yes!
Friday, November 4, 2011
I ate a Cookie Today
And I didn't even feel like it, which is what bothers me.
I've been sticking to the diet really well this week, and I've been feeling a little .... hemmed in, eating basically the same thing every day. Three scrambled eggs at 9-10 am. A salad of mixed greens, feta cheese and sunflower seeds for lunch, and a homemade yogurt snack, made with (2% milk and powdered milk). Then I have some meat and veggies for dinner. Ho hum. There's not a ton of leeway on 1240 calories per day and I've got a workable system that doesn't take a ton of effort.
Physically, I haven't been starving or anything. In fact, I haven't really even been very hungry. But I've had a craving for soup, like beef vegetable soup or tom yum soup for a week now. So I went to the cafeteria to see what they had today, which was nothing I wanted. I've got a Fudge Fancy habit left over from my fat days that is hard to ignore, and the cookie fell into my hand, then my mouth.
A Fudge Fancy is a sugar cookie covered with chocolate icing. In my fat days, I'd buy one every day. Now it's like once a month or so, which is not terrible.
But the thing is - I didn't even WANT it!! I want hot, spicy soup, not a sugar cookie!!! Waah! Methinks I need to make myself some soup this weekend and give in to the craving. Made right, the soup could be a regular part of my diet!
239.8 this morning, up 0.2 from yesterday. Still an 8 pound loss over the last month though. I looked at hula hoops online, but haven't bought one yet. They're not cheap, like the ones at WalMart that don't work!
I've been sticking to the diet really well this week, and I've been feeling a little .... hemmed in, eating basically the same thing every day. Three scrambled eggs at 9-10 am. A salad of mixed greens, feta cheese and sunflower seeds for lunch, and a homemade yogurt snack, made with (2% milk and powdered milk). Then I have some meat and veggies for dinner. Ho hum. There's not a ton of leeway on 1240 calories per day and I've got a workable system that doesn't take a ton of effort.
Physically, I haven't been starving or anything. In fact, I haven't really even been very hungry. But I've had a craving for soup, like beef vegetable soup or tom yum soup for a week now. So I went to the cafeteria to see what they had today, which was nothing I wanted. I've got a Fudge Fancy habit left over from my fat days that is hard to ignore, and the cookie fell into my hand, then my mouth.
A Fudge Fancy is a sugar cookie covered with chocolate icing. In my fat days, I'd buy one every day. Now it's like once a month or so, which is not terrible.
But the thing is - I didn't even WANT it!! I want hot, spicy soup, not a sugar cookie!!! Waah! Methinks I need to make myself some soup this weekend and give in to the craving. Made right, the soup could be a regular part of my diet!
239.8 this morning, up 0.2 from yesterday. Still an 8 pound loss over the last month though. I looked at hula hoops online, but haven't bought one yet. They're not cheap, like the ones at WalMart that don't work!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Surprising the Body
It seems that the week I took off from exercise was just the thing to surprise my body. Actually, the thing that surprised my body was starting the workouts back up, because I've gone down 2 pounds in 2 days since I had that hard workout Tuesday. I broke below 240 pounds!
And then MFP offered to recalculate my calorie goals and now I only get 1240 calories per day! What a nice present for my loss (NOT).
It's been an emotional week because my problems with the firehouse are moving along. I got some nice perspective from taking last week off and was just about ready to start coming back when I talked to the old timer the other day. Well, he went to the board on my behalf (even though I asked him not to) and I got a phone call from the chief yesterday and spent hours talking to him. We talked about the jerk, but he also told me to not give the jerk the satisfaction of winning.
I found out later that the reason why all these people seem to care about my opinion is that they're concerned about liability. They're worried that I'll get so pissed off that I'll sue them for harassment. Yeah, some of them are jerks, but that's not the same as harassment. The thought never crossed my mind.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel about that, and how I should respond.
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to meditate. I'm going to let it go. I can't control these guys and the best thing I can do to control my reaction is to be peaceful about it and myself. This is a perfect time to use my newly learned skills to try and detach.
And then I'm going to work out hard again.
And then MFP offered to recalculate my calorie goals and now I only get 1240 calories per day! What a nice present for my loss (NOT).
It's been an emotional week because my problems with the firehouse are moving along. I got some nice perspective from taking last week off and was just about ready to start coming back when I talked to the old timer the other day. Well, he went to the board on my behalf (even though I asked him not to) and I got a phone call from the chief yesterday and spent hours talking to him. We talked about the jerk, but he also told me to not give the jerk the satisfaction of winning.
I found out later that the reason why all these people seem to care about my opinion is that they're concerned about liability. They're worried that I'll get so pissed off that I'll sue them for harassment. Yeah, some of them are jerks, but that's not the same as harassment. The thought never crossed my mind.
I've been trying to figure out how I feel about that, and how I should respond.
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to meditate. I'm going to let it go. I can't control these guys and the best thing I can do to control my reaction is to be peaceful about it and myself. This is a perfect time to use my newly learned skills to try and detach.
And then I'm going to work out hard again.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Doing Good - But Not as Good as I'd Hoped
The exercise trumped the chinese food and 1 pound disappeared overnight - 240.6!
So I was feeling all svelte and sharp and gave myself a treat at lunch (no, not food, silly!). A shopping trip to the Salvation Army! On Wednesdays everything is on sale except this week's stuff. So, like 75% of the store is half price. Yeah, I was feeling good, 'cause it's in a nice neighborhood and they carry nice stuff.
And then I tried on a pair of size 18 Eddie Bauer jeans for $3. Nope. They didn't fit. And then a pair of size 22 cargo pants that fit great.
And whooosh, I came back to earth.
I am losing weight, yes. But I'm not thin yet! At my current losing rate, it will be March before I hit 200 pounds and won't be obese any more. If I slow down to 8 pounds a month, it will be April. Patience child, patience. This time is useful because it is practice for eating like a thin person eats. This isn't a phase to be gotten through as quickly as possible.
I was congratulating myself for being able to eat just a small amount of "real" food without losing it and inhaling everything on the plate. Being able to maintain the "no foods are forbidden" approach without ruining my losses. But that's an illusion too. "Real" (processed) food makes me hungry! Every time I eat processed food, I want more within an hour or two. Yesterday it was so painful that I had to eat something to make my stomach stop growling. Makes me think that Michael Pollan, David Kessler and others are onto something when they say that food is engineered to make us ... want to buy more food.
So I was feeling all svelte and sharp and gave myself a treat at lunch (no, not food, silly!). A shopping trip to the Salvation Army! On Wednesdays everything is on sale except this week's stuff. So, like 75% of the store is half price. Yeah, I was feeling good, 'cause it's in a nice neighborhood and they carry nice stuff.
And then I tried on a pair of size 18 Eddie Bauer jeans for $3. Nope. They didn't fit. And then a pair of size 22 cargo pants that fit great.
And whooosh, I came back to earth.
I am losing weight, yes. But I'm not thin yet! At my current losing rate, it will be March before I hit 200 pounds and won't be obese any more. If I slow down to 8 pounds a month, it will be April. Patience child, patience. This time is useful because it is practice for eating like a thin person eats. This isn't a phase to be gotten through as quickly as possible.
I was congratulating myself for being able to eat just a small amount of "real" food without losing it and inhaling everything on the plate. Being able to maintain the "no foods are forbidden" approach without ruining my losses. But that's an illusion too. "Real" (processed) food makes me hungry! Every time I eat processed food, I want more within an hour or two. Yesterday it was so painful that I had to eat something to make my stomach stop growling. Makes me think that Michael Pollan, David Kessler and others are onto something when they say that food is engineered to make us ... want to buy more food.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Finally, a Workout
I skipped fire drill last night to have dinner with TaxMan who is going overseas for 2 weeks. I've got a tradition of taking chinese food over for anyone who has just moved (and he did), so we had food out of boxes amid the boxes. I had some soup, half an eggroll, some shrimp and a few pieces of General Tso's chicken. It was low key and nice. My stomach is smaller now, so I'd have to force feed myself to eat much more.
I'm getting used to taking a break from the fire department. My house is quiet. I don't have to drop everything at all hours of day and night. It's very peaceful. I've had time to get some perspective on the big jerk that pissed me off so badly and calm down and realize that I like everyone else but him, and I really do like the work. This time last week I was thinking about quitting.
I felt so much better about it this morning at 7am that I responded to an EMS call. Only one other fellow showed up (a former chief), so we chatted about stuff. He and some other folks had noticed that I wasn't coming around and they had guessed it was because of the big jerk. They all know this turd is out of control, but everybody's a little afraid of him. (Yay, a grown up bully. Wonderful.) One of them was going to talk to the president and I asked him to please, don't do it because of me. That would make it worse for me. Just like a bully situation.
I came home after the call and cried my eyes out. I didn't realize that people noticed how hard I've been working, doing even the crap work like hauling hose that nobody else wants to do. My hard work had earned some respect. These old guys see their wives or their daughters when they look at me, and they have a problem when I get treated badly. (You know what got them going? A few weeks ago I was learning how to operate the pump on one engine and the jerk was operating the pump on the other engine, feeding me water. His radio interactions with me were sarcastic and a little nasty. I didn't really notice, but it pissed the old timers off on my behalf.)
I can't say I feel good, but I do feel better than the awful I felt last week. At lunch I went to the gym and worked out HARD on the elliptical with the music LOUD, and felt cleansed at the end. It was my first workout in a week. I've heard that ya gotta surprise your body, but after a few days not working out isn't a surprise any more!
241.6 this morning, same as yesterday. Last night's chinese food hasn't hit my body yet. Maybe the workout will cancel out the chinese food???
I'm getting used to taking a break from the fire department. My house is quiet. I don't have to drop everything at all hours of day and night. It's very peaceful. I've had time to get some perspective on the big jerk that pissed me off so badly and calm down and realize that I like everyone else but him, and I really do like the work. This time last week I was thinking about quitting.
I felt so much better about it this morning at 7am that I responded to an EMS call. Only one other fellow showed up (a former chief), so we chatted about stuff. He and some other folks had noticed that I wasn't coming around and they had guessed it was because of the big jerk. They all know this turd is out of control, but everybody's a little afraid of him. (Yay, a grown up bully. Wonderful.) One of them was going to talk to the president and I asked him to please, don't do it because of me. That would make it worse for me. Just like a bully situation.
I came home after the call and cried my eyes out. I didn't realize that people noticed how hard I've been working, doing even the crap work like hauling hose that nobody else wants to do. My hard work had earned some respect. These old guys see their wives or their daughters when they look at me, and they have a problem when I get treated badly. (You know what got them going? A few weeks ago I was learning how to operate the pump on one engine and the jerk was operating the pump on the other engine, feeding me water. His radio interactions with me were sarcastic and a little nasty. I didn't really notice, but it pissed the old timers off on my behalf.)
I can't say I feel good, but I do feel better than the awful I felt last week. At lunch I went to the gym and worked out HARD on the elliptical with the music LOUD, and felt cleansed at the end. It was my first workout in a week. I've heard that ya gotta surprise your body, but after a few days not working out isn't a surprise any more!
241.6 this morning, same as yesterday. Last night's chinese food hasn't hit my body yet. Maybe the workout will cancel out the chinese food???
Monday, October 31, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Update
I discovered Pinterest from seeing stuff other bloggers posted. I'm hooked! Saw this one and thought it would fit as my inspirational photo. Otherwise it would be a picture of my snowy yard, and I'm not finding snow inspirational today.
1. What have you done this week towards your goals?
Stayed within calorie limits, less than 1300 most days. I went to 2 meditation sessions this week and took steps to find a therapist (spoke to one of the meditation instructors who is a mental health person and he gave me a recommendation. In about an hour of talking, he pinpointed some interesting stuff and recommended that I spend non-scheduled time discovering what it is that I like to do instead of being busy every minute.) Plus, I had social plans Friday and Saturday (even though Saturday's was cancelled due to snow). Friday evening with TaxMan was nice. We went to an edgy music show at an experimental performing arts center. We held hands when we walked and stuff, but he didn't end up coming into my house after the show because he was moving on Saturday morning. It was a really nice, low key evening.
2. What have you done to make you feel fabulous?
Practiced meditation several times. Spent Saturday/Sunday snowbound cleaning/organizing a workroom and thinking about stuff I used to enjoy but have lost touch with. Artsy, creative stuff. I pulled out a project that's mid-stream and set it up to work on later this week.
3. How do you pull yourself out of a slump or prevent yourself falling in to one?
I don't end up in slumps very often, so I tend to be off balance when I am down. I've been a little off for almost 2 years now - so maybe I'm not naturally positive any more! Sometimes I'll distract myself with reading a book or magazine, or going to see a movie. If I had friends, I'd ring one of them and visit. Recently I've realized that exercise will make me feel better, and meditation too. Doing nothing is the worst thing. A few weeks ago I felt down, so I washed my car and cleaned it inside and out, just to keep busy.
4. Are you naturally positive or do you have to work at it? How do you keep yourself positive?
I am naturally positive (or maybe not so much any more).
5. I'm on Holiday right now, if you could go away anywhere tomorrow (and work wouldn't get weird) where would you go?
In the winter, I want to go somewhere that has hot springs or hot tubs, or lots of sun and sand. Right now I'd love to be far away from my world, but that is easy to be in (as in must speak english or give me dysentery). I love New Mexico. There is a spa called Ojo Caliente north of Santa Fe that would do nicely right now.
I was so annoyed that she contacted my boss instead of asking me directly that before I knew it, half of the pastrami was gone! Wow! I guess that's mindless eating! Thank goodness it was pastrami and not french fries. I won't have time to work out today, but the 250-calorie "pastrami accident" is much easier to recover from than 600-calorie french fries!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
CDCC Update
241.8 - Only 1.8 pounds away from a hula hoop!
About the only thing I did well this week was stick to roughly 1300 calories per day. I ate out for 2 lunches and a dinner, but was careful about the cals and logged them.
I only exercised 3 days this week, I only drank about 40-60 ounces of water per day. I commented on the bare minimum of 3 blogs. I'll work on all of that this week, but if I stuck to one thing, I'm glad it was the calories. Oh, and I practiced meditation several times this week.
The elliptical is still making a horrible scraping sound when I use it. I've called the service folks (again) about it. The dude didn't fix it his first time out, so I'm going to keep calling him back until they make it WORK right.
It seems like every time I get something fixed, something else breaks. We got SNOW yesterday. I had a terrible time getting the plow blade on the ATV, involving 2 trips to the dealer, but finally got it at about noon, mere hours before the snow started. Then today when I tried to take the plow for a test run on the 4 inches of snow, the ATV wouldn't start. Ugh.
Then, after spending several days last week making the house sparkle, my dog got diarrhea and pooped in about 5 different rooms. Double Ugh.
I took a vacation from volunteer firefighting after Monday night - and we got 13 calls this week, all of which I skipped (4 fire alarm activations, 1 carbon monoxide detector, 1 diabetic problem, 1 structure fire, 1 hemorrage, 3 falls, 1 power pole snapped, 1 medical alarm).
Buut - I'm good. The last time I weighed 241 was in 2004 when I got down to 220 before gaining it all back plus 20 pounds. When I get to 220 again, it'll be 20% lost from my highest of 276. I haven't told my family about this - so it's gonna be a big surprise at Christmas when I'm 35 pounds lighter than the last time I saw them!
About the only thing I did well this week was stick to roughly 1300 calories per day. I ate out for 2 lunches and a dinner, but was careful about the cals and logged them.
I only exercised 3 days this week, I only drank about 40-60 ounces of water per day. I commented on the bare minimum of 3 blogs. I'll work on all of that this week, but if I stuck to one thing, I'm glad it was the calories. Oh, and I practiced meditation several times this week.
The elliptical is still making a horrible scraping sound when I use it. I've called the service folks (again) about it. The dude didn't fix it his first time out, so I'm going to keep calling him back until they make it WORK right.
It seems like every time I get something fixed, something else breaks. We got SNOW yesterday. I had a terrible time getting the plow blade on the ATV, involving 2 trips to the dealer, but finally got it at about noon, mere hours before the snow started. Then today when I tried to take the plow for a test run on the 4 inches of snow, the ATV wouldn't start. Ugh.
Then, after spending several days last week making the house sparkle, my dog got diarrhea and pooped in about 5 different rooms. Double Ugh.
I took a vacation from volunteer firefighting after Monday night - and we got 13 calls this week, all of which I skipped (4 fire alarm activations, 1 carbon monoxide detector, 1 diabetic problem, 1 structure fire, 1 hemorrage, 3 falls, 1 power pole snapped, 1 medical alarm).
Buut - I'm good. The last time I weighed 241 was in 2004 when I got down to 220 before gaining it all back plus 20 pounds. When I get to 220 again, it'll be 20% lost from my highest of 276. I haven't told my family about this - so it's gonna be a big surprise at Christmas when I'm 35 pounds lighter than the last time I saw them!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Giving Myself the Day Off
I decided to get over my major waah about cleaning and just do it. I usually ignore stuff like spiderwebs on window screens, toothpaste spatters on bathroom mirrors, dust on windowsills, but when I look at my place with new eyes, it looks terrible because of those things, on top of the dog hair everywhere. So I swept. I vacuumed. I cleaned window screens, countertops, dishes, mirrors. It needed to be done anyway. Getting mad about having to clean for TaxMan was a little silly. Another way to look at it is that I'll feel better in a nice, clean house.
Which brings up an analogy to getting mad about dieting and working out. We all know that we will feel better when we are thinner and healthier, but still complain about having to limit our eating and make time to work out. I didn't think of that when I was a whirling dervish last night, but the short-term struggle between pleasure now and pleasure later is ongoing. Still, and forever. I loved Mir's update on successfully getting through a party, and hope to use some of those techniques this weekend at a bonfire party. Gotta be willing to pass up the yummy-looking food though!
So I "gave myself the day off" from the elliptical and cleaned for 3 straight hours last night instead. And then I gave myself the morning off to clean some more. All I have left are the kitchen counters, dishes, mop the floor, and to vacuum 2 rooms. I skipped the whole back end of the house though, and the basement, which we'll have to walk through. Would have been better if I hadn't put it off until the last minute!!
Scale: 243.4, down 1.4 from yesterday, but still up 0.4 from Monday. No real change in eating to explain the gain/loss. Must be TOM. I'm the only person I know who can GAIN weight after a workout session. My boss talks about losing 5 pounds of water weight after a jog and I'm like, "WTF? How can I be a pound heavier after a workout than before??" I did try to do some pushups though - and I CAN !!! I did 10, girl style, and then failed in the middle of the second 10. That's 10+ more than I could do before!!
Which brings up an analogy to getting mad about dieting and working out. We all know that we will feel better when we are thinner and healthier, but still complain about having to limit our eating and make time to work out. I didn't think of that when I was a whirling dervish last night, but the short-term struggle between pleasure now and pleasure later is ongoing. Still, and forever. I loved Mir's update on successfully getting through a party, and hope to use some of those techniques this weekend at a bonfire party. Gotta be willing to pass up the yummy-looking food though!
So I "gave myself the day off" from the elliptical and cleaned for 3 straight hours last night instead. And then I gave myself the morning off to clean some more. All I have left are the kitchen counters, dishes, mop the floor, and to vacuum 2 rooms. I skipped the whole back end of the house though, and the basement, which we'll have to walk through. Would have been better if I hadn't put it off until the last minute!!
Scale: 243.4, down 1.4 from yesterday, but still up 0.4 from Monday. No real change in eating to explain the gain/loss. Must be TOM. I'm the only person I know who can GAIN weight after a workout session. My boss talks about losing 5 pounds of water weight after a jog and I'm like, "WTF? How can I be a pound heavier after a workout than before??" I did try to do some pushups though - and I CAN !!! I did 10, girl style, and then failed in the middle of the second 10. That's 10+ more than I could do before!!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Hongray
I am very, very hongray today. I woke up at 5:30 with a hole in my stomach, but only had tea until 10 when I had my three scrambled eggs. Then at 11:30 I was starving again - and went to the cafeteria and got a brownie and a Diet Coke. The brownie's lasted me until now (3:00), and I'm getting ready to have my normal salad greens, feta cheese, sunflower seeds and vinaigrette dressing lunch. I can feel the sugar high from the brownie wearing off. I'm exhausted.
The scale was the same today as yesterday, 2 pounds up from Monday. Since I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories and I've exercised 30 minutes a day all week, this HAS to be our friend TOM coming to visit. I'm SO, SO tempted to skip the exercise for today and make myself a nice, warm soup for dinner. My disordered thinking says, "be nice to yourself and take it easy today," when I'm learning that the way to be nice to myself is to NOT take it easy. But truth is, I don't want to work out today. On the other hand, Laina from Keeping off 200 Pounds doesn't like exercise either, but still does it. It's nice to have the elliptical at home because I can watch the news while I do the workout.
Meditation class really hit the spot yesterday. One of the exercises we did last night was to visualize a mountain in detail. The trees or grass at the bottom, rooted in the earth, snow at the top, in the clouds, with breezes and sun - or whatever. A mountain of your choosing. Slowly start to visualize that mountain inside of you. Your feet to the earth and your head to the sky. Rain hitting you, but not affecting you. All manner of things are on you, but not changing you. Stresses and strains do not hurt you. You are stable. Strong. You are a mountain.
This week's homework is to be a mountain 3 times a day. Do 20 minutes of sitting meditation a day. We are to think about our refuges. What we think about when we want to be safe and happy.
I'm going to talk to one of the instructors (and go to another class) tomorrow evening. I've printed out lists of therapists on my insurance plan, so I can chat with him about what's going on and get his thoughts, and maybe a recommendation for someone to approach. I'm looking forward to talking to someone about my "stuff."
The hives have slowed down drastically, thank goodness, since I stopped drinking chai tea with splenda and started taking H1 and H2 blockers. I'm really grateful that I don't feel like I want to peel off my skin to scratch underneath it. I'm going to let the chai work out of my system for a week or so and then stop with the blockers to see if that was it.
So, I'm not the cleanest housekeeper in the world. Any single person who owns a big house, has any kind of life, and is doing projects on said house knows that stuff stacks up. (It's probably even tougher if you're married with children and a husband, if he doesn't help!) TaxMan is picking me up at my house on Friday which means that I should probably invite him in afterward. Except that I really, really hate having to kill myself to make the house sparkle just so someone may or may not see it. And I'm not in the mood to spend every evening cleaning the house this week. I'm thinking about only cleaning the 2 rooms we might be in, or alternatively asking for a bye, and catching up a little each day. I'm just not interested in trying to be perfect. It takes too much energy - energy that I'm spending on controlling my calorie intake and exercising. Blah!
The scale was the same today as yesterday, 2 pounds up from Monday. Since I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories and I've exercised 30 minutes a day all week, this HAS to be our friend TOM coming to visit. I'm SO, SO tempted to skip the exercise for today and make myself a nice, warm soup for dinner. My disordered thinking says, "be nice to yourself and take it easy today," when I'm learning that the way to be nice to myself is to NOT take it easy. But truth is, I don't want to work out today. On the other hand, Laina from Keeping off 200 Pounds doesn't like exercise either, but still does it. It's nice to have the elliptical at home because I can watch the news while I do the workout.
Meditation class really hit the spot yesterday. One of the exercises we did last night was to visualize a mountain in detail. The trees or grass at the bottom, rooted in the earth, snow at the top, in the clouds, with breezes and sun - or whatever. A mountain of your choosing. Slowly start to visualize that mountain inside of you. Your feet to the earth and your head to the sky. Rain hitting you, but not affecting you. All manner of things are on you, but not changing you. Stresses and strains do not hurt you. You are stable. Strong. You are a mountain.
This week's homework is to be a mountain 3 times a day. Do 20 minutes of sitting meditation a day. We are to think about our refuges. What we think about when we want to be safe and happy.
I'm going to talk to one of the instructors (and go to another class) tomorrow evening. I've printed out lists of therapists on my insurance plan, so I can chat with him about what's going on and get his thoughts, and maybe a recommendation for someone to approach. I'm looking forward to talking to someone about my "stuff."
The hives have slowed down drastically, thank goodness, since I stopped drinking chai tea with splenda and started taking H1 and H2 blockers. I'm really grateful that I don't feel like I want to peel off my skin to scratch underneath it. I'm going to let the chai work out of my system for a week or so and then stop with the blockers to see if that was it.
So, I'm not the cleanest housekeeper in the world. Any single person who owns a big house, has any kind of life, and is doing projects on said house knows that stuff stacks up. (It's probably even tougher if you're married with children and a husband, if he doesn't help!) TaxMan is picking me up at my house on Friday which means that I should probably invite him in afterward. Except that I really, really hate having to kill myself to make the house sparkle just so someone may or may not see it. And I'm not in the mood to spend every evening cleaning the house this week. I'm thinking about only cleaning the 2 rooms we might be in, or alternatively asking for a bye, and catching up a little each day. I'm just not interested in trying to be perfect. It takes too much energy - energy that I'm spending on controlling my calorie intake and exercising. Blah!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Fire Up for Fall Update
Up 1.8 pounds since yesterday, to 244.8.
I suppose it could have been the pasta. I entered everything I ate, and it added up to 1500 calories. Plus, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which kicked my butt, and 1/2 hour on the weight machines and free weights. I'm guessing it's water weight, or stress weight, or whatever. I don't feel very upbeat today, but I'm going to do the FUFF update, so I don't forget.
Last night I skipped Fire Drill (finally learning), but went to a call at 11:30 pm, which ended up being a big mistake. The asshole that I dislike the most showed up, and it's obvious that they've been talking about me behind my back. Nobody - I mean nobody - even said Hi. And the biggest asshole kept saying at the top of his lungs, "Dangerous!" which is what I called him ... To someone else.
Because he IS dangerous. At the grocery store fire we had last week, this guy stole an apple as we were walking through the produce department. He stole fries at the Burger King fire a few weeks ago. At a carbon monoxide call, he made a guy on oxygen come downstairs before I tested his room, which was clean. Just about killed the guy. He lies. He doesn't do stuff he doesn't want to do. Is that the kind of firefighter you'd want in your house? I think there's something psychologically wrong with the guy and he should be on meds. I also think that most of the normal people know this guy is out of bounds, but he is amusing. Never a dull moment around him.
Anyway - that makes the second call in a row that I've been extremely uncomfortable at. I stopped going to drills a few weeks ago. Looks like I'm going to stop going to calls too! The atmosphere is toxic. There are 2 small saving graces. First, most of the older guys stopped coming around. I'm guessing they don't like it either, which helps me feel not so alone.
Second - this is not my problem. I have a real hard time with this one, because I want to fix stuff. But, really. Instead of trying so hard only to get a world of grief because those 21-year olds are jerks, I am perfectly capable of spending my energy on people that make me feel GOOD, not bad.
I just have to keep telling myself that, because I distinctly remember writing the exact same thing here about a month ago. Oh, and get a therapist. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and get myself to a counselor to explore some of the patterns of my life that I may not be able to stop by myself. Like being fat for one! And moving to another state/job/house/etc every time I get a little uncomfortable. I'm a pretty smart person, but I think this quote applies:
Your best thinking got you to where you are.
It's time to let someone else help.
FUFF Update:
1. What have you done to achieve your goals this week?
It was a mediocre week for the challenge. I worked out 4/7 days and while I didn't totally go off plan, I had a few days where I was less than stellar. I went to meditation class Tuesday. I went on a nice date Friday. But it's all sort of overwhelmed by me not being comfortable in the fire house at a Thursday night call, and left me feeling bad and seeing things being empty instead of full.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I've been sleeping alot. For most of the last week I've been getting in bed between 8 and 8:30. I know - scandalous!
3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I listen to dance music when I work out, loud and fast! Lately it's been hip hop. I'm especially liking the song Low, by Flo Rida. Excerpts:
Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo'
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low, low low low low
...
yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
Hip hop/Dance music. It's a world away from what I usually listen to.
5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Sorry, I'm not feeling chipper today and I'm having trouble thinking of a song. It would be a song about frustration and anger and emptiness and pain. And more frustration. I feel like I'm breaking up with someone, but it's the kind of breakup where you never get closure. Where the prize for being right is ... something yucky. And the prize for fitting in is ... also something yucky.
Aw, rats. Today is Wasted Time by The Eagles
I suppose it could have been the pasta. I entered everything I ate, and it added up to 1500 calories. Plus, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, which kicked my butt, and 1/2 hour on the weight machines and free weights. I'm guessing it's water weight, or stress weight, or whatever. I don't feel very upbeat today, but I'm going to do the FUFF update, so I don't forget.
Last night I skipped Fire Drill (finally learning), but went to a call at 11:30 pm, which ended up being a big mistake. The asshole that I dislike the most showed up, and it's obvious that they've been talking about me behind my back. Nobody - I mean nobody - even said Hi. And the biggest asshole kept saying at the top of his lungs, "Dangerous!" which is what I called him ... To someone else.
Because he IS dangerous. At the grocery store fire we had last week, this guy stole an apple as we were walking through the produce department. He stole fries at the Burger King fire a few weeks ago. At a carbon monoxide call, he made a guy on oxygen come downstairs before I tested his room, which was clean. Just about killed the guy. He lies. He doesn't do stuff he doesn't want to do. Is that the kind of firefighter you'd want in your house? I think there's something psychologically wrong with the guy and he should be on meds. I also think that most of the normal people know this guy is out of bounds, but he is amusing. Never a dull moment around him.
Anyway - that makes the second call in a row that I've been extremely uncomfortable at. I stopped going to drills a few weeks ago. Looks like I'm going to stop going to calls too! The atmosphere is toxic. There are 2 small saving graces. First, most of the older guys stopped coming around. I'm guessing they don't like it either, which helps me feel not so alone.
Second - this is not my problem. I have a real hard time with this one, because I want to fix stuff. But, really. Instead of trying so hard only to get a world of grief because those 21-year olds are jerks, I am perfectly capable of spending my energy on people that make me feel GOOD, not bad.
I just have to keep telling myself that, because I distinctly remember writing the exact same thing here about a month ago. Oh, and get a therapist. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and get myself to a counselor to explore some of the patterns of my life that I may not be able to stop by myself. Like being fat for one! And moving to another state/job/house/etc every time I get a little uncomfortable. I'm a pretty smart person, but I think this quote applies:
Your best thinking got you to where you are.
It's time to let someone else help.
FUFF Update:
1. What have you done to achieve your goals this week?
It was a mediocre week for the challenge. I worked out 4/7 days and while I didn't totally go off plan, I had a few days where I was less than stellar. I went to meditation class Tuesday. I went on a nice date Friday. But it's all sort of overwhelmed by me not being comfortable in the fire house at a Thursday night call, and left me feeling bad and seeing things being empty instead of full.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I've been sleeping alot. For most of the last week I've been getting in bed between 8 and 8:30. I know - scandalous!
3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I listen to dance music when I work out, loud and fast! Lately it's been hip hop. I'm especially liking the song Low, by Flo Rida. Excerpts:
Them baggy sweat pants and the Reeboks with the straps
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack
She hit the flo'
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low, low low low low
...
yea she was worth the money
Lil mama took my cash
And I ain't want it back
4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
Hip hop/Dance music. It's a world away from what I usually listen to.
5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Sorry, I'm not feeling chipper today and I'm having trouble thinking of a song. It would be a song about frustration and anger and emptiness and pain. And more frustration. I feel like I'm breaking up with someone, but it's the kind of breakup where you never get closure. Where the prize for being right is ... something yucky. And the prize for fitting in is ... also something yucky.
Aw, rats. Today is Wasted Time by The Eagles
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday Weigh In
243.0 this morning. 0.4 lost since yesterday.
I ordered Pad Thai for our Monday Thai lunch, even though I know noodles are a problem food for me (as in I have a problem stopping eating them!). I managed to only eat a little at lunch, but at 3:00 I had this unquenchable desire to have a "snacky poo" of Pad Thai noodles, and only managed to stop myself after eating about a cup by throwing it all away. I'd rather waste a few dollars of food than have to spend an entire week working off some noodles. I wasn't even hongray! Past Thai lunches have had white rice which I have no problem eating only a little of.
When I put my little Pad Thai excursion into MFP, I've got about 200 calories allowed for the rest of the day. After I work out on the elliptical, I'll have enough cals for a decent dinner. But - rats - that was an expensive few minutes in the dollars and cents of calories.
I ordered Pad Thai for our Monday Thai lunch, even though I know noodles are a problem food for me (as in I have a problem stopping eating them!). I managed to only eat a little at lunch, but at 3:00 I had this unquenchable desire to have a "snacky poo" of Pad Thai noodles, and only managed to stop myself after eating about a cup by throwing it all away. I'd rather waste a few dollars of food than have to spend an entire week working off some noodles. I wasn't even hongray! Past Thai lunches have had white rice which I have no problem eating only a little of.
When I put my little Pad Thai excursion into MFP, I've got about 200 calories allowed for the rest of the day. After I work out on the elliptical, I'll have enough cals for a decent dinner. But - rats - that was an expensive few minutes in the dollars and cents of calories.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
CDCC Update - Hula Hoop
I lost track of weeks a while ago, so I'm going with the noncommittal "CDCC Update" for the title today.
243.4 this morning. Every week it's the same. I struggle, struggle, struggle for nothing, bitch, moan, complain - and then the scale gives up the entire week's loss in 2 days. Last week's update I was 247 = 3.6 pounds lost this week. If I keep up this rate, there'll be no problem hitting my goal of 230-235 by the end of this challenge.
I was thinking this morning that my highest weight was 276, so I'm down 33ish from my highest. More than 10% lost in the last 2 years! Labor day I was 264, so I'm 21 down from there. Altogether, I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal to be non-obese,which will be 47 or so pounds from now. My final goal might be in the 185 range, but right now I'm only going to think in small steps.
I decided that my treat for getting through 240 pounds will be a hula hoop! I've got one of the cheap ones from WalMart, but I can't make it stay up. I've read that the hula way to go is to get a weighted hoop - which I will do soonest!
Water: Nope, not really. 1-2 pots (24 oz each) of English Breakfast tea before work, then 34 ounces of chai with splenda and light cream for the morning at work, like I've been doing for a few months.
I've had itchy hives for a month and it JUST occurred to me yesterday that it might be the chai and/or the splenda, so those are OUT for at least a few weeks. I also started taking an H1 blocker and an H2 blocker to control the itchiness. I kinda just realized they were hives (I can be slow on the uptake sometimes!), and reading about them yesterday, I learned that hives (urticaria) can be accompanied by joint pain. Aha! So that explains why my knees hurt again, and I feel like I have plantar fasciitis again! The H1 and H2 blockers (Zyrtec and Zantac) are working to make me not feel like I want to scratch my skin off - but one or both of them is making me tired. Yesterday I went to bed at 8 and got up this morning at 8. It'll probably be the same tonight, except I have to get up at 5:30 for work. Blurg.
My working hypothesis is that occasional chai is fine, but 2 bags a day, 7 days a week is too much. I'll give it 2 weeks chai-free before I make a doctor's appointment. Online peeps say that prednisone is a common treatment for this, but I don't wanna! It causes people to gain weight!
Supporting other bloggers: I did the minimum, three comments this week. I'm gonna skip fire drill tomorrow night, and maybe use that time to be more supportive of my bloggy friends!
Book stuff: for me, this is meditation class. I did some.
Exercise: I did elliptical Weds, Thurs, Fri and today, and weight work one of those days. I got my elliptical Tuesday and put it together and there's a problem! It scrapes when my left foot goes down. The repairman came Friday and fixed it ... until the very first time I tried it after he left. I'll call again tomorrow. I used that as an excuse until today when I forced myself to get on that noisy, scrape-y thing and do 20 minutes. OMFG! It's killer! It's got incline and has different workouts that automatically move it up and down and change the resistance. At several points I thought I was going up stairs the incline was so sharp. Now I'm feeling it in my quads, which is good. I've read that quad work can help my knees and I need that.
My plan for this weekend was to get a lot of work done in my yard. I really didn't feel like it, but since there's plenty of work to do, I bottled the Labor Day batch of hard cider and started a new batch for next spring, and started to clean the house. I'm expecting that TaxMan will come over next Friday, and while I'm not going to present some perfect, clean-housed me, I do want to get rid of the dust bunnies! So, yeah, Friday's date went well!
243.4 this morning. Every week it's the same. I struggle, struggle, struggle for nothing, bitch, moan, complain - and then the scale gives up the entire week's loss in 2 days. Last week's update I was 247 = 3.6 pounds lost this week. If I keep up this rate, there'll be no problem hitting my goal of 230-235 by the end of this challenge.
I was thinking this morning that my highest weight was 276, so I'm down 33ish from my highest. More than 10% lost in the last 2 years! Labor day I was 264, so I'm 21 down from there. Altogether, I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal to be non-obese,which will be 47 or so pounds from now. My final goal might be in the 185 range, but right now I'm only going to think in small steps.
I decided that my treat for getting through 240 pounds will be a hula hoop! I've got one of the cheap ones from WalMart, but I can't make it stay up. I've read that the hula way to go is to get a weighted hoop - which I will do soonest!
Water: Nope, not really. 1-2 pots (24 oz each) of English Breakfast tea before work, then 34 ounces of chai with splenda and light cream for the morning at work, like I've been doing for a few months.
I've had itchy hives for a month and it JUST occurred to me yesterday that it might be the chai and/or the splenda, so those are OUT for at least a few weeks. I also started taking an H1 blocker and an H2 blocker to control the itchiness. I kinda just realized they were hives (I can be slow on the uptake sometimes!), and reading about them yesterday, I learned that hives (urticaria) can be accompanied by joint pain. Aha! So that explains why my knees hurt again, and I feel like I have plantar fasciitis again! The H1 and H2 blockers (Zyrtec and Zantac) are working to make me not feel like I want to scratch my skin off - but one or both of them is making me tired. Yesterday I went to bed at 8 and got up this morning at 8. It'll probably be the same tonight, except I have to get up at 5:30 for work. Blurg.
My working hypothesis is that occasional chai is fine, but 2 bags a day, 7 days a week is too much. I'll give it 2 weeks chai-free before I make a doctor's appointment. Online peeps say that prednisone is a common treatment for this, but I don't wanna! It causes people to gain weight!
Supporting other bloggers: I did the minimum, three comments this week. I'm gonna skip fire drill tomorrow night, and maybe use that time to be more supportive of my bloggy friends!
Book stuff: for me, this is meditation class. I did some.
Exercise: I did elliptical Weds, Thurs, Fri and today, and weight work one of those days. I got my elliptical Tuesday and put it together and there's a problem! It scrapes when my left foot goes down. The repairman came Friday and fixed it ... until the very first time I tried it after he left. I'll call again tomorrow. I used that as an excuse until today when I forced myself to get on that noisy, scrape-y thing and do 20 minutes. OMFG! It's killer! It's got incline and has different workouts that automatically move it up and down and change the resistance. At several points I thought I was going up stairs the incline was so sharp. Now I'm feeling it in my quads, which is good. I've read that quad work can help my knees and I need that.
My plan for this weekend was to get a lot of work done in my yard. I really didn't feel like it, but since there's plenty of work to do, I bottled the Labor Day batch of hard cider and started a new batch for next spring, and started to clean the house. I'm expecting that TaxMan will come over next Friday, and while I'm not going to present some perfect, clean-housed me, I do want to get rid of the dust bunnies! So, yeah, Friday's date went well!
Friday, October 21, 2011
This Minute, This Moment
The only time that counts is right now.
Oh, I'm as guilty as anyone of making pronouncements like, "I'll work out for an hour every day this weekend," or, "I'll never eat pasta again." And I spend way too much time rehashing the last conversation, looking for places where I could have said something differently.
But as I lay in bed last night doing the rehashing thing after a fire alarm call and kicking myself for spending too much time hanging around afterwards with those assholes because all they do is make me feel crappy, I realized (again, for the thousandth time) - that I can't change the past. It's gone. When I carry the past with me in my head, I'm preventing myself from enjoying NOW. In my extremely comfortable bed snuggled up with Maggie the dog and Sparky the cat. Then I went to sleep. Eventually.
I had imaginary arguments with the biggest asshole this morning, and only with difficulty was able to drag myself back to NOW to enjoy breakfast and anticipation. You see, I have a DATE tonight with TaxMan. A Third date.
The second date last Friday was nice. We ate nachos and drank wine, and at the end we brushed lips. I reached back for a hug and that felt awkward. I have no idea what tonight will bring, outside of Thai dinner and a dance performance. Maybe we'll hold hands. Maybe we'll kiss. I'll let you know.
I feel a little weird. I've never dated a guy that's totally appropriate for me - same smarts, same education, no obvious problems living life. Completely available, as in divorced for a while. Well-balanced. Has friends. It's unsettling, and so unlike my normal pattern of going for train wrecks. I don't know what the future holds.
But that's where it gets cool. I don't have to know. All I need to do is what I've done. Eat lightly so that I can enjoy dinner (within reason). Done. Work out. Done. Take a shower and shave my legs, just in case! Done!
And then - enjoy the evening! Relax! Take it moment by moment!
Oh, I'm as guilty as anyone of making pronouncements like, "I'll work out for an hour every day this weekend," or, "I'll never eat pasta again." And I spend way too much time rehashing the last conversation, looking for places where I could have said something differently.
But as I lay in bed last night doing the rehashing thing after a fire alarm call and kicking myself for spending too much time hanging around afterwards with those assholes because all they do is make me feel crappy, I realized (again, for the thousandth time) - that I can't change the past. It's gone. When I carry the past with me in my head, I'm preventing myself from enjoying NOW. In my extremely comfortable bed snuggled up with Maggie the dog and Sparky the cat. Then I went to sleep. Eventually.
I had imaginary arguments with the biggest asshole this morning, and only with difficulty was able to drag myself back to NOW to enjoy breakfast and anticipation. You see, I have a DATE tonight with TaxMan. A Third date.
The second date last Friday was nice. We ate nachos and drank wine, and at the end we brushed lips. I reached back for a hug and that felt awkward. I have no idea what tonight will bring, outside of Thai dinner and a dance performance. Maybe we'll hold hands. Maybe we'll kiss. I'll let you know.
I feel a little weird. I've never dated a guy that's totally appropriate for me - same smarts, same education, no obvious problems living life. Completely available, as in divorced for a while. Well-balanced. Has friends. It's unsettling, and so unlike my normal pattern of going for train wrecks. I don't know what the future holds.
But that's where it gets cool. I don't have to know. All I need to do is what I've done. Eat lightly so that I can enjoy dinner (within reason). Done. Work out. Done. Take a shower and shave my legs, just in case! Done!
And then - enjoy the evening! Relax! Take it moment by moment!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Slow
Every night in bed I put my hands on the part of my stomach near my hips, feeling for the edge. Hoping to feel my hips to rise above my flat belly. During the day I feel the bump where my torso meets the top of my legs, feeling it get smaller and waiting for it to go away.
The last few weeks have been heady feeling my belly get flatter (no hips though. not yet), but then it stopped as I've gotten more successful at my goal to make friends and find a "tribe" to be part of. This morning I lay in bed and felt my belly rounder than before. Rounder. Not flatter.
I'm continuing my voracious reading of other weight loss bloggers and reading about self-sabotage. How so many start to succeed and then regain it all because they didn't change their thinking about themselves. That's me 2 years ago and 4 years ago and 6 years ago - and I'm terrified that it'll be me again. I'm 17 pounds into a 75+ pound journey that I hope, hope, hope will be one-way.
This week has seen me sleeping more. Going to bed earlier to read and closing my eyes early, and getting up later. I feel slow. Moving again like I'm still fat. The 2 pounds I gained over the weekend feels like the 25 pounds I had lost. My walk is more of a lumber than a trot, and the plantar fasciitis is back, making me limp. I think about exerting myself and realize that I don't want to. The rounded belly makes me feel like I'm beginning to fail, and that my next stop will be back at 275 pounds.
But the scale is still (sortof) going down. I haven't failed yet. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday morning, and after work today I'll hit the gym again. My boss wanted to go to lunch and I successfully got us to go to an Italian place instead of a pizza place. Then I successfully put 2/3 of the pasta fagiol soup (so yummy) into a to-go container before I took the first bite. Then I mindlessly found myself eating the leftovers at my desk later, and threw them away. All that pasta did was make me hungrier. All the bites after the first bite were not as good as that first bite.
I feel like I'm right on the edge of success or failure. But that's wrong.
This is one of those times where I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now. I need to make a good choice now. Keep moving. Keep eating OK. Keep working on changing my thought patterns. Keep reading. Keep meditating. The slowness will go away if I trust the process.
The last few weeks have been heady feeling my belly get flatter (no hips though. not yet), but then it stopped as I've gotten more successful at my goal to make friends and find a "tribe" to be part of. This morning I lay in bed and felt my belly rounder than before. Rounder. Not flatter.
I'm continuing my voracious reading of other weight loss bloggers and reading about self-sabotage. How so many start to succeed and then regain it all because they didn't change their thinking about themselves. That's me 2 years ago and 4 years ago and 6 years ago - and I'm terrified that it'll be me again. I'm 17 pounds into a 75+ pound journey that I hope, hope, hope will be one-way.
This week has seen me sleeping more. Going to bed earlier to read and closing my eyes early, and getting up later. I feel slow. Moving again like I'm still fat. The 2 pounds I gained over the weekend feels like the 25 pounds I had lost. My walk is more of a lumber than a trot, and the plantar fasciitis is back, making me limp. I think about exerting myself and realize that I don't want to. The rounded belly makes me feel like I'm beginning to fail, and that my next stop will be back at 275 pounds.
But the scale is still (sortof) going down. I haven't failed yet. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday morning, and after work today I'll hit the gym again. My boss wanted to go to lunch and I successfully got us to go to an Italian place instead of a pizza place. Then I successfully put 2/3 of the pasta fagiol soup (so yummy) into a to-go container before I took the first bite. Then I mindlessly found myself eating the leftovers at my desk later, and threw them away. All that pasta did was make me hungrier. All the bites after the first bite were not as good as that first bite.
I feel like I'm right on the edge of success or failure. But that's wrong.
This is one of those times where I don't need to fix forever. I just need to fix right now. I need to make a good choice now. Keep moving. Keep eating OK. Keep working on changing my thought patterns. Keep reading. Keep meditating. The slowness will go away if I trust the process.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Is It Dysmorphia?
I wonder why I don't see myself as I truly am when I look in the mirror. I see someone that's a little chunky, but not terribly bad. But when I see myself in pictures, I'm shocked, (shocked!) at the fat person I see. Mir wrote about this, saying that instead of looking in the mirror, she has to use pictures to see how her body has changed.
When I google "obese dysmorphia," I get a bunch of sites that talk about people who have lost weight that think they still look fat. I'm the opposite - I see a person that is thinner than I really am! Has anybody read about this, or know anything about it???
I wrote the other day that our homework assignment in meditation class was to contemplate one of the 7 Essential Attitudes each day. Here are the Attitudes; Nonjudging, Patience, Beginner's Mind, Trust, Nonstriving, Acceptance, and Letting Go.
Here's Acceptance:
Often, to be able to accept what comes into awareness, you must pass through periods of intense feelings such as anger, fear, or grief. These feelings themselves require acceptance.
Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this moment if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Acceptance includes softening and opening to what is here. The sense of struggle is released. By ceasing to deny and fight with the way things are now, you can find yourself with more energy to heal and transform what is here.
Acceptance does not mean you have to like everything or that you have to take a passive attitude. Acceptance simply means willingness to see things as they are deeply, truthfully and completely. This attitude sets the stage for acting in the most potent and healty way in your life no matter what is happening.
So - yeah. Need to work on that one.
First thing I did is take pictures of myself this morning. If I have to look at myself through a camera lens to see what I really look like - then that's what I'll do. Here I am! (yah, forgot to smile...)
When I google "obese dysmorphia," I get a bunch of sites that talk about people who have lost weight that think they still look fat. I'm the opposite - I see a person that is thinner than I really am! Has anybody read about this, or know anything about it???
I wrote the other day that our homework assignment in meditation class was to contemplate one of the 7 Essential Attitudes each day. Here are the Attitudes; Nonjudging, Patience, Beginner's Mind, Trust, Nonstriving, Acceptance, and Letting Go.
Here's Acceptance:
Often, to be able to accept what comes into awareness, you must pass through periods of intense feelings such as anger, fear, or grief. These feelings themselves require acceptance.
Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are rather than as you think they are or as you think they should be. Remember things can only change in the present moment. You have to see things as they are and yourself as you are - truly - in this moment if you wish to change, heal or transform yourself or your life.
Acceptance includes softening and opening to what is here. The sense of struggle is released. By ceasing to deny and fight with the way things are now, you can find yourself with more energy to heal and transform what is here.
Acceptance does not mean you have to like everything or that you have to take a passive attitude. Acceptance simply means willingness to see things as they are deeply, truthfully and completely. This attitude sets the stage for acting in the most potent and healty way in your life no matter what is happening.
So - yeah. Need to work on that one.
First thing I did is take pictures of myself this morning. If I have to look at myself through a camera lens to see what I really look like - then that's what I'll do. Here I am! (yah, forgot to smile...)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, and Fire Up for Fall Update
247.2, up another 0.6 pounds. It's last weekend catching up with me, and retained water weight. TOM is right around the corner, too. I am beginning to appreciate how hard it will be to control my eating when I'm with other people. That 6-course tasting menu with wine wasn't really necessary. There were plenty of other options involving less food. The big bumps in the last week are all due to me not controlling myself when I'm socializing. I can still make my goal of 230-235 by mid-December, but I was hoping to be lower.
The second is a picture of our group. I'm the tall one in the middle. I'm always completely surprised by how fat I am in pictures. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see myself the way I really am. Pictures are the only way for me to see the "truth." Mir wrote about this, and I've read that it's the same for others. If this group gets together to do this again in the spring, I'll be thinner! AND I'll do the cargo net! It's not going to happen by magic - I'm going to work at it.
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
- Work through my Christmas Dress Challenge book and do all the exercises. Find a second book and do that one too.- Complete Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and Power 90 DVDs. - Continue to invest time in my volunteer fire department.
I didn't exercise yesterday because I was exhausted after the all-night fire call Sunday, and today's not looking good either. The elliptical got delivered this morning! I had this idea that I'd be happily exercising away this afternoon, but that thing still needs to be put together. I've got meditation class at 6 (yay!), and I want to check out a poetry slam afterward - so I'm not sure if I'll work out at all today - making it 3 days in a row with no workout. Hm. Looking at what I just wrote, I really need to make an effort to Do It today.
Can you see all the workouts in this box? I'll try to take it out and put it together and give it a test run during the day today, but since I'm supposed to be working from home, I might should actually work.
Fire Up For Fall Update:
Two positive pictures from last weekend. The first is the cargo net on the ropes course we did Saturday. That's the bride-to-be shimmying across. That thing totally killed a few of our group and a few didn't get across. I didn't even try it. I want to rock that net next spring!
1. What have you done this week to achieve your goals?
It wasn't a great week for eating, or for working out. But I did socialize and have the start of small success making friends. Need to work on these goals not being zero sum (ie, one gets worse when the other gets better).
2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I went on a date! I spent the day (and evening) with some great girls that I didn't know at the beginning.
3. It's half way through the challenge, you can change 1 or more of your goals (max of 3) if you want to....what are you going to do and why?
Looking back on my goals, I guess I had 6 of them. I want to change three. First, I didn't really like my book, so I'm going to change this goal to be about the meditation class. Second, I wasn't ready for Jillian Michaels or Power 90, so I'm going to change that one. Third, even though I plan to continue with the volunteer fire department, I don't want to have it be a goal, so I'll remove it to go down to 5 goals.
- Lose 20-25 pounds, to 235-230 by the end of the year
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge.
- Look FABulous in my Christmas jacket by the end of the year. Successfully complete the Christms Dress Challenge.
(new) Complete the Meditation Based Stress Reduction class.
(new) Exercise for at least 30 minutes 6/7 days a week.
- Look at where I spend my time and energy and look for places and people that make me feel good and will lead to friendships.
4. What's your worst bad habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?
I don't challenge myself enough physically. For so many years I thought I was a low energy person, and never pushed myself. (Completely forgot that I played field hockey in high school, which is NOT low energy!) I haven't tried to tackle this bad habit, but I'm hoping that the exercise goal and losing weight will make it not so hard.
5. Fun Time: Would you rather have Burgers for feet or Sausages for Fingers?
Definitely burgers for feet! I can't imagine not being able to use my fingers!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Monday
246.4. I can't remember, but I think that's about 1/2 a pound down from yesterday. I had a small victory just now, but I might still slide, so I'm writing this post to help me get through.
You see, it goes like this.
I had a quiet evening yesterday, mostly reading dieting blogs (it's hard to describe how helpful they are!). No TV. Sat in bed to read, and when it hit 10:30 pm, I turned out the lights, and was out like a light.
Then at 12:30am, we got a fire alarm call at the grocery store - and it was an actual fire! The fire was out and everything was put back together by about 2:30am, but some of us had to wait at the station for them to reset the alarm and test the sprinklers until .... get this .... 7 am. They fed us Eggo waffles at 7am, and I had 2 with a little butter and syrup. Now I'm at work and I am exhausted. And famished. I don't normally eat Eggos because they don't hold me for long, but I was starving.
It's times like this when I go to McDonalds and have 2 sausage burritos and a Sausage Egg McMuffin with cheese. I came close, so close to dropping everything and going to Micky Ds for my what-I-eat-when-I'm-tired comfort food. But first I looked up the nutritional information on line so I'd know how many calories I'd be putting into MyFitnessPal
That'll be 1170 calories with that Diet Coke!
I could have PART of it, but I know I'm not strong enough to just get one sausage burrito. The whole order will tumble out of my mouth and I'll be 1170 calories bigger.
So I put the brakes on going out for McDonalds - for now. In half an hour, they won't be serving breakfast any more and I'll be safe for the day. I'm writing this to fill up the time until it's 10:30 and too late for breakfast.
Whew! I'm SO glad I had the presence of mind to look up the nutrition info!
You see, it goes like this.
I had a quiet evening yesterday, mostly reading dieting blogs (it's hard to describe how helpful they are!). No TV. Sat in bed to read, and when it hit 10:30 pm, I turned out the lights, and was out like a light.
Then at 12:30am, we got a fire alarm call at the grocery store - and it was an actual fire! The fire was out and everything was put back together by about 2:30am, but some of us had to wait at the station for them to reset the alarm and test the sprinklers until .... get this .... 7 am. They fed us Eggo waffles at 7am, and I had 2 with a little butter and syrup. Now I'm at work and I am exhausted. And famished. I don't normally eat Eggos because they don't hold me for long, but I was starving.
It's times like this when I go to McDonalds and have 2 sausage burritos and a Sausage Egg McMuffin with cheese. I came close, so close to dropping everything and going to Micky Ds for my what-I-eat-when-I'm-tired comfort food. But first I looked up the nutritional information on line so I'd know how many calories I'd be putting into MyFitnessPal
I could have PART of it, but I know I'm not strong enough to just get one sausage burrito. The whole order will tumble out of my mouth and I'll be 1170 calories bigger.
So I put the brakes on going out for McDonalds - for now. In half an hour, they won't be serving breakfast any more and I'll be safe for the day. I'm writing this to fill up the time until it's 10:30 and too late for breakfast.
Whew! I'm SO glad I had the presence of mind to look up the nutrition info!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
CDCC Update
247 this morning, a 0.2 pound gain from last week's update. During the week I got down to 245.6, then back up to 247, then down, then back up.
Exercise: no exercise Wednesday and it's feeling like I'll struggle today. I'm planning to do some tree clearing on the hill in front of my house, but I really feel like taking a lazy Sunday instead. Tuesday was 18 holes of golf. Yesterday was ziplining (which turned out to be a ropes course with some fun zips). The week had a lot of variety and a lot of movement. Ideally, my life will have more weeks like this one - and that will be a challenge foodwise.
Reading: I'm using my meditation class for this. I missed last week's class because of the golf tournament, but the instructor sent me the assignment. Read a handout on the Seven Essential Attitudes, and spend 10 minutes each day sitting and contemplating one of them (can be a different one each day). The attitudes are: nonjudging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, nonstriving, acceptance, and letting go. For copyright reasons, I won't include the handout, but I've gotten a lot of peace out of the contemplations.
Food: was bad this week, and it was all from making not-good choices when I was out with people. I know how to do it. I know what to do. But in the split seconds where I made the decisions, I wanted to be like everyone else. Tuesday it was wings and beer after golf. Friday it was 2 glasses of wine and some nachos with TaxMan and yesterday it was a 6-course tasting menu with wine accompaniment at a bachelorette party.
Social life: great this week! Still not at a level of supportive relationships, but moving in that direction on multiple fronts. Finding myself surprisingly uncomfortable with the idea of dating TaxMan. Not because he's a bad choice, but because (likely) of my being so entrenched in my alone-world and entranced with emotionally unavailable dudes that I'm uncomfortable when a guy is available and actually interested in getting to know me better. I'm considering talking to a therapist about it. I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life, so I need to get my thoughts and actions into alignment.
General odds and ends: I read a blog posting last week about thinner people moving more, and that stuck with me, especially yesterday, noticing the bride-to-be jumping around in her living room, overflowing with energy even after putting us all in the dust on the ropes course. I noticed my bias towards not moving so much and thought about working on changing that.
The elliptical is being delivered on Tuesday! With 6 weeks under my belt now, I think it's a machine I'll really use.
For closure on the plow blade story - I found out it's only 75 or so pounds, so I'll be able to move it myself in the back of my station wagon. Problem solved!
I'll post a picture of the ropes course later, when I find the camera cable!
Have a great week, all!
Exercise: no exercise Wednesday and it's feeling like I'll struggle today. I'm planning to do some tree clearing on the hill in front of my house, but I really feel like taking a lazy Sunday instead. Tuesday was 18 holes of golf. Yesterday was ziplining (which turned out to be a ropes course with some fun zips). The week had a lot of variety and a lot of movement. Ideally, my life will have more weeks like this one - and that will be a challenge foodwise.
Reading: I'm using my meditation class for this. I missed last week's class because of the golf tournament, but the instructor sent me the assignment. Read a handout on the Seven Essential Attitudes, and spend 10 minutes each day sitting and contemplating one of them (can be a different one each day). The attitudes are: nonjudging, patience, beginner's mind, trust, nonstriving, acceptance, and letting go. For copyright reasons, I won't include the handout, but I've gotten a lot of peace out of the contemplations.
Food: was bad this week, and it was all from making not-good choices when I was out with people. I know how to do it. I know what to do. But in the split seconds where I made the decisions, I wanted to be like everyone else. Tuesday it was wings and beer after golf. Friday it was 2 glasses of wine and some nachos with TaxMan and yesterday it was a 6-course tasting menu with wine accompaniment at a bachelorette party.
Social life: great this week! Still not at a level of supportive relationships, but moving in that direction on multiple fronts. Finding myself surprisingly uncomfortable with the idea of dating TaxMan. Not because he's a bad choice, but because (likely) of my being so entrenched in my alone-world and entranced with emotionally unavailable dudes that I'm uncomfortable when a guy is available and actually interested in getting to know me better. I'm considering talking to a therapist about it. I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life, so I need to get my thoughts and actions into alignment.
General odds and ends: I read a blog posting last week about thinner people moving more, and that stuck with me, especially yesterday, noticing the bride-to-be jumping around in her living room, overflowing with energy even after putting us all in the dust on the ropes course. I noticed my bias towards not moving so much and thought about working on changing that.
The elliptical is being delivered on Tuesday! With 6 weeks under my belt now, I think it's a machine I'll really use.
For closure on the plow blade story - I found out it's only 75 or so pounds, so I'll be able to move it myself in the back of my station wagon. Problem solved!
I'll post a picture of the ropes course later, when I find the camera cable!
Have a great week, all!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Back to 246
I got up, peed, weighed myself, and then worked out on the hard elliptical at the firehouse for 25 minutes. I am SO proud of myself for making working out a priority! Working out has always been the thing that went first in the past. I NEVER thought I'd still be making it a priority, 6 weeks in. I think it's because I'm not looking 75 pounds into the future. I'm only looking at the next 10 pounds, and it seems like something I can actually accomplish. Whatever tricks I gotta use to make the weight loss process stick this time, I'm gonna use! The blogging has really helped, and reading all yalls' blogs. Really, really helped!
I worked out this morning because I have a date for a glass of wine tonight with TaxMan! He's significantly older than me, a little shorter, and fat. But I was comfortable and had a good time talking to him when we met three weeks ago, and I wanted to spend more time with him. He's been busy with evening phone calls to asia and friends from out of town. I was beginning to think it was the busy of someone who doesn't really want to see me again, but we emailed yesterday and we have a date!
Let's talk about fat and online dating. Eight years ago when I was 226 pounds, I met someone through eHarmony that wrote to me after we met that he preferred his women slimmer. Ever since then I've had a complex about it. (Maybe I should have "helpfully" told him that I preferred my guys to be more interesting. He lived within 3 blocks of the Library of Congress, but had never been inside. I mean come! on!)
I changed my profile to make it clear that I'm not thin, and presented it like the two ends of the spectrum were "thin" and "interesting". I described myself as "a few extra pounds," had a full body shot up, and had words in my profile like, "I'm more comfortable around people who can carry a good conversation than a perfect body." And then, if someone good looking was interested in me, I couldn't believe it. I was sure that they hadn't looked at all my pics. I was an angry person about how weight is important to so many guys, militant about how unfair it is. But I, I was the one making it an issue.
Yeah - I think my discomfort with myself was/is obvious. A few (more enlightened than me) guys wrote in emails to me that weight wasn't important to them as long as I was comfortable with myself. Which is when I had to admit that I wasn't comfortable with myself. I was looking for someone else to validate me because I wasn't validating myself.
So now that I've dropped a few pounds and am feeling actual muscles growing in my legs and am feeling powerful about taking control of my life, I revisited that profile and took all the references to weight out of it. It feels good to own my weight and make it MY issue, not some unknown online person.
As for what I'm looking for in a guy - it's not about weight. It's about happiness, optimism, a certain confidence and curiosity about the world, and ability to talk about stuff ... politics, science, whatever. And a willingness to try new things. All those seem to be things that TaxMan has.
How would I react if a guy started talking about his weight right off the bat like I've been doing? Probably not well. It'd be clear that they had a problem. Like they wanted to be with me to make themselves feel better, not for the sheer joy of it. Food for thought - and helpful for me to continue working on self-acceptance and self love.
I worked out this morning because I have a date for a glass of wine tonight with TaxMan! He's significantly older than me, a little shorter, and fat. But I was comfortable and had a good time talking to him when we met three weeks ago, and I wanted to spend more time with him. He's been busy with evening phone calls to asia and friends from out of town. I was beginning to think it was the busy of someone who doesn't really want to see me again, but we emailed yesterday and we have a date!
Let's talk about fat and online dating. Eight years ago when I was 226 pounds, I met someone through eHarmony that wrote to me after we met that he preferred his women slimmer. Ever since then I've had a complex about it. (Maybe I should have "helpfully" told him that I preferred my guys to be more interesting. He lived within 3 blocks of the Library of Congress, but had never been inside. I mean come! on!)
I changed my profile to make it clear that I'm not thin, and presented it like the two ends of the spectrum were "thin" and "interesting". I described myself as "a few extra pounds," had a full body shot up, and had words in my profile like, "I'm more comfortable around people who can carry a good conversation than a perfect body." And then, if someone good looking was interested in me, I couldn't believe it. I was sure that they hadn't looked at all my pics. I was an angry person about how weight is important to so many guys, militant about how unfair it is. But I, I was the one making it an issue.
Yeah - I think my discomfort with myself was/is obvious. A few (more enlightened than me) guys wrote in emails to me that weight wasn't important to them as long as I was comfortable with myself. Which is when I had to admit that I wasn't comfortable with myself. I was looking for someone else to validate me because I wasn't validating myself.
So now that I've dropped a few pounds and am feeling actual muscles growing in my legs and am feeling powerful about taking control of my life, I revisited that profile and took all the references to weight out of it. It feels good to own my weight and make it MY issue, not some unknown online person.
As for what I'm looking for in a guy - it's not about weight. It's about happiness, optimism, a certain confidence and curiosity about the world, and ability to talk about stuff ... politics, science, whatever. And a willingness to try new things. All those seem to be things that TaxMan has.
How would I react if a guy started talking about his weight right off the bat like I've been doing? Probably not well. It'd be clear that they had a problem. Like they wanted to be with me to make themselves feel better, not for the sheer joy of it. Food for thought - and helpful for me to continue working on self-acceptance and self love.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
What One Dinner Can Do
I read it in your blogs, but when I got a chance to go hog wild at a social event - I did it anyway. Two pounds instantly came back on, and will take days to get back off. I was down to 245.6 and am now just fighting my way back through 247. Lesson.
I'm getting ready for my second winter in this house. Last winter was very snowy and I have a long driveway. First, I used a plow guy and later I borrowed my boyfriend's plow to use on my ATV. ATV plowing is fun! (Or as fun as being outside at 6am in 10 degree weather and whistling wind can be.) Now that I'm not dating that guy anymore, I had to get my own plow. Ordered it last week and now it needs to be picked up. Here's a pic from last winter.
Which is where the story really starts. I don't have a pickup truck any more, and can't lift the plow blade myself. So I stopped at the firehouse to see if I could get help.
I hate asking for help. Especially from people I don't trust or especially like. Especially when it's asking to use a pickup truck.
I walked into where 2 guys were sitting and watching TV, said Hey, how's it going. Etc, etc. When it got to the part where I had to directly ask for help, I mumbled something, hoping that the one guy (who I'm crushing on, incidentally) would pick it up and offer to help. He did not. So I sat there twisting my fingers uncomfortably, resolving to figure out another way to get the plowblade home.
And then I was rescued by an EMS call for someone slumped over the steering wheel at the grocery store. And we went.
(Now we're getting to the real part of the story.)
We didn't find the slumper guy after driving around the parking lot and all around. At one point, the radio crackled something about the fire department being on scene and I looked around, like, "Where are they?"
And then I realized. It's US!!
PS - Still have to figure out how to get the plow home...
I'm getting ready for my second winter in this house. Last winter was very snowy and I have a long driveway. First, I used a plow guy and later I borrowed my boyfriend's plow to use on my ATV. ATV plowing is fun! (Or as fun as being outside at 6am in 10 degree weather and whistling wind can be.) Now that I'm not dating that guy anymore, I had to get my own plow. Ordered it last week and now it needs to be picked up. Here's a pic from last winter.
Which is where the story really starts. I don't have a pickup truck any more, and can't lift the plow blade myself. So I stopped at the firehouse to see if I could get help.
I hate asking for help. Especially from people I don't trust or especially like. Especially when it's asking to use a pickup truck.
I walked into where 2 guys were sitting and watching TV, said Hey, how's it going. Etc, etc. When it got to the part where I had to directly ask for help, I mumbled something, hoping that the one guy (who I'm crushing on, incidentally) would pick it up and offer to help. He did not. So I sat there twisting my fingers uncomfortably, resolving to figure out another way to get the plowblade home.
And then I was rescued by an EMS call for someone slumped over the steering wheel at the grocery store. And we went.
(Now we're getting to the real part of the story.)
We didn't find the slumper guy after driving around the parking lot and all around. At one point, the radio crackled something about the fire department being on scene and I looked around, like, "Where are they?"
And then I realized. It's US!!
PS - Still have to figure out how to get the plow home...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Making the Choices
The golf tournament was fun! I'm so thrilled to finally be invited to something, and it was really nice to be around coworkers, people that I like and who I've known for a few years. I was comfortable, even though I noticed that I was the only girl at one point. I got some perspective on how not normal my problems with the firehouse are, and that gave me some peace.
We played golf from noon to 5:30-ish and had a beer at the clubhouse. Then went to a local watering hole and had wings and more beer. I partook liberally of both, and the scale this morning shows it; up 2 pounds to 248.4. MyFitnessPal says that 5 hours of golf with a cart was 1900 calories burned (really? That seems awful high!). If MFP is correct, the beer and wings were within the exercise calories.
I was so happy to be socializing, that I ended up skipping Meditation class. I felt bad about that, but made the choice to maximize time with coworkers, hoping that it might evolve into more socializing in the future, and hopefully a friendship or two.
I feel great that I made it through 5 hours of golf (out of the cart, walk across the fairway, hit, walk, get into the cart, out of the cart, repeat 100+ times) and I made it without dying or having any plantar fasciitis pain today. I can't imagine doing that carrying around the 20-ish pounds I had just a few months ago. Progress!
Then this morning we had an EMS call for someone that had fallen. It was an old man who lived alone and had no relatives in the area. He'd fallen yesterday (yesterday!) and had been on the floor for a whole day trying to get to the phone to call 911. Calls like this make me feel like I'm looking in a mirror of myself 20 years from now. It's what I imagine my life will look like if I don't make connections. Me= thoroughly scared. On the positive side - I got a chance to chat briefly to the 3 other guys on the call about the "problem" dude, and they agree that he's a liability to the department. That conversation helped me remember that outside of 1 or 2 (or 3) problem people, I do like most of the guys in the department which changed the trajectory of my day for the better. And that's where I am now. Better.
We played golf from noon to 5:30-ish and had a beer at the clubhouse. Then went to a local watering hole and had wings and more beer. I partook liberally of both, and the scale this morning shows it; up 2 pounds to 248.4. MyFitnessPal says that 5 hours of golf with a cart was 1900 calories burned (really? That seems awful high!). If MFP is correct, the beer and wings were within the exercise calories.
I was so happy to be socializing, that I ended up skipping Meditation class. I felt bad about that, but made the choice to maximize time with coworkers, hoping that it might evolve into more socializing in the future, and hopefully a friendship or two.
I feel great that I made it through 5 hours of golf (out of the cart, walk across the fairway, hit, walk, get into the cart, out of the cart, repeat 100+ times) and I made it without dying or having any plantar fasciitis pain today. I can't imagine doing that carrying around the 20-ish pounds I had just a few months ago. Progress!
Then this morning we had an EMS call for someone that had fallen. It was an old man who lived alone and had no relatives in the area. He'd fallen yesterday (yesterday!) and had been on the floor for a whole day trying to get to the phone to call 911. Calls like this make me feel like I'm looking in a mirror of myself 20 years from now. It's what I imagine my life will look like if I don't make connections. Me= thoroughly scared. On the positive side - I got a chance to chat briefly to the 3 other guys on the call about the "problem" dude, and they agree that he's a liability to the department. That conversation helped me remember that outside of 1 or 2 (or 3) problem people, I do like most of the guys in the department which changed the trajectory of my day for the better. And that's where I am now. Better.
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