Monday - Bad Hair Day

213.2 this morning, up another 0.8 pounds from yesterday which was up 1.4 pounds from Saturday.  I know what today's gain is, and it's not the normal fluctuation of someone who's being good.  It's got an "assignable cause."

I went to see The Artist yesterday with some girls and went to lunch afterward.  I'm a popcorn freak.  I LOVE movie popcorn!  So I was focused on avoiding the popcorn, and didn't think much about how I was going to handle lunch.  I bypassed the little gourmet pizzas and salads and had huevos, refried beans, arepa, plantains and chorizo.  When I added it up later, I realized that it was over 1000 calories!  It was good, but was it 1000 calories worth of good?  No.  Especially since that split second decision is going to take me all week to work off.

I colored my hair out of a box yesterday and its very ... red.  I feel like I'm walking around with a glowing red head on top while the ends are still coppery brown - not a good feeling, when I'm also having a bad eyebrow day/week.  I hope it calms down when I wash it, or I can re-dye it if I need to, in all my spare time (ha!).  Look at this redness!!

I had a pedicure Saturday and got my eyebrows done.  I think good eyebrows that have a nice arch can make my face look really nice.  On the flip side, flatter eyebrows just look bad on me.  Unfortunately, washing won't help.  The only thing that will make my eyebrows look better is time.  Blurgh.

Have any of you had your eyebrows threaded??? I hear that I can get more arch-y brows that way.

With my weekend indiscretion and the gains, I've only lost 4 pounds in the last month!  Maybe I should take back all the optimistic calculations I did yesterday!

To make myself feel better, here are pics showing me wearing the same outfit.  First on Dec 22 and then on Feb 5th.  I chose that white shirt because it was really tight last fall. (I'm having problems making Blogger put the pics next to each other, so you'll have to scroll scrolly scroll.) There's improvement, but it's minor.  I was wearing heels in December and flats yesterday.  No danger of me binging or anything - I'm just having a bad hair day.  I hate bad hair days!

Dec 22-side

Feb 5 - side

Dec 22 - back

Feb 5 - back

E2E Update

Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!

I DID go up this morning to 212.4 for 1.8 pounds lost this week.  It's like my body flirts with a lower weight before it finally goes there.  It doesn't bother me when that happens because I know that I've eaten well and exercised, so overall I'm going in the right direction.  I know I'll hit 211 again (and then 210 ... and then Onederland!!! soon enough). 

Waist: 37 (funny, because it was 35 yesterday!)
Hips: 47-1/2
Thigh: 28

Last week: 214.2
Waist 35
Hips 48
Thigh 28

E2E Start
weight: 222
waist: 36
hips: 47-1/2
thigh: 28

Loss since E2E start = 9.6 pounds.  Essentially no inches lost, but things do fit better!

I love feeling how muscular I'm becoming.  Yesterday I re-noticed that I still have rolls of fat and really lumpy legs and was disappointed for a while.  But then I realized that I still have 40+ extra pounds on me (from my ultimate goal, 170), and overall I'm doing pretty well.  I was talking to someone from match.com on the phone Friday, and he asked how recent my pictures were - and I got to say, "I'm thinner than all my pictures," which was pretty cool.  This is me in Oman in March, 2008 at about 260-ish, 50 pounds ago.

 I made it through another week of EMT class, and the first test.  Thirteen more weeks to go.

-I did OK, not great, on supporting other challengers.  I did get to more than 3, but not everyone, and did comment on my buddy's blog every time she posted.
-I posted about my book.
-I stayed below 1400 net calories every day.
-I exercised 6 days this week (including C25K week 4 this morning!  During the second 5 minute run I thought about stopping and then realized that I have no good reason to stop.  So I kept going.)

I'm feeling pretty good about this weight loss thing.  In my head I'm already at 210 and 40 pounds away from my ultimate goal.  Since I'm an engineer and I can't help calculating things, it could be 1 to  1-1/2 months before I get to onederland, and 4 to 6 months (at this rate), before I'm there!  It's optimistic, I know, but I'm finally beginning to think that I might really succeed!  I'm pretty sure life will get in the way, like I might meet a nice guy and we'll cook and eat together - but I'll take that hurdle when it happens!

Saturday

211.0 this morning.  I always seem to go down big on Saturdays and then back up a little on Sunday for the E2E check in. So far it's been 3.2 pound loss this week.

My calories have been 1000-1440 every day this week (1446, 1019, 1244, 1120, 1370, 1200) and I exercised Sun,  Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri so far.  I like the pattern of 3 days on, 1 day off.  Today I think I'll do an elliptical workout and tomorrow I'll do C25K week 4 again. Subject to change.

Now that I actually jogged for 5 whole minutes without stopping, I want to be able to go a whole mile, 12 minutes.  That's my goal for Feb.  My last goal, boy pushups, is not happening. I can do about 10 girl pushups and then ... fail.  Being able to run a mile is a goal I actually look forward to.

Bank guy says refinancing is not an option.  I can try another bank or figure out another way.  I may spend some time this weekend going through my transactions for the last 6 months to see where I can cut, or what my other options are.  Even more reason to work out - it's free and will make me feel good!

Most of the exercises in my book, eating the moment, 141 mindful practices to overcome overeating one meal at a time, seem designed for people who haven't had the mental "click" yet. (I struggled unsuccessfully to lose weight for years until I found Mir's blog and other weight loss blogs in September.  I can't explain why or how it happened, but I had the "click,"  and have lost over 50 pounds in 5 months.  It hasn't been mentally/emotionally hard.) 

Here are some exercises from the book that try to get you away from your standard mindlessness of eating by changing it up and making you aware of your motions and what you are doing.  This gives you a chance to think about what you are eating.  It's texture.  It's temperature.  Where it came from.  The sun energy that went into it.  Appreciate how the energy from the food is going to give your body energy.  Appreciate the work you did to make this food for yourself.

- eat with your nondominant hand.  If you're left-handed, eat with your right hand.
- eat with wrist weights on.  It's the same motions, but will feel different.
- change up utensils.  If it's something you eat with a fork, try eating it with your hands. Pay attention to the sensory information you get, how the food feels in your fingers.  If it's something you normally eat with your hands, try eating it with utensils.
- different utensils. Try eating with chopsticks.  If you use a spoon, try using a soup ladle instead.  Try using corn skewers instead of a fork.  This will make you have to  think about how to eat, taking the mindlessness away.

Peace, all!  Hope we all have rockin' updates this weekend!

Goals

I'm sitting at my desk a hot, sweaty mess right now!  I pushed myself at the gym at lunch and did C25K week 4, which is 16 minutes of jogging, split up into 2x 3 minutes and 2x 5 minute segments.  Altogether I ran 1.3 miles, which is more than I've run at one time in 25 years.

I still don't know about the refinancing, other than it's touch and go.  But I'm more zen about the whole thing.  I've done everything I can do.  Worrying about it doesn't change a thing other than make my quality of life poorer, so I'm practicing letting go of the stress.  Same with stressing out about my schedule like I did yesterday.  Since I don't plan on dropping anything, I can choose to enjoy it or not enjoy it.  I'd rather enjoy myself.  Every element of my life is something I chose.  My life is exactly the way I chose for it to be.  I don't want to forget that!

212.0 this morning, which is 2.2 pounds down from my Sunday weigh in.  Evening class has changed my eating patterns, and for some reason I haven't been very hungry lately.

I want to get my goals down:
- I want to wear a dress and not have my legs chafe.
- I want to feel my hips when I'm lying down
- I want to see muscles in my arms when I'm doing normal stuff
- I want my knees to be smaller than my legs, and see the cool curves on the outside of my knee from my calf to my thigh
- I want to see the depressions on each side of my belly when I stand.

The cool thing is that ALL of these are possible!!  This summer!

E2E Midweek Update

So.  Tired.

213.2 this morning.  It was 212.8 yesterday, but yesterday was tremendously long and full.  Right before I went to bed, I was exhausted and head-hungry, so I picked up a 120-calorie piece of chocolate.  I thought about it, "hey, you're not even hungry.  You're tired.  That's not the same as hunger."  And then I ate it anyway. 

Total was 1364 calories, less 250 exercise cals for net 1114 cals yesterday.

Really tired again today.  Stopped by the cafeteria for a diet coke and what should I come across, but the brownies.  Yup.  Bought one and ate it.  Total calories are still fine, but I don't like these little slips.  I want to live with intention, not have all these little, "oops, look what just fell into my hand" incidents.

Because I'm not feeding myself so many extra calories, I'm noticing that my energy level is more tied to how much I eat.  (Duh, I know.  I've always had so many extra calories floating around that I don't think I've ever really crashed before.)  Next time I feel so exhausted, I want to see what my blood sugar is to see if there's a relationship.  If I get used to what true low energy feels like and am prepared with healthy snacks, I'll be able to take care of myself better.  [Aside: we had an EMS call yesterday for a diabetic who had low blood sugar.  Wow! The guy was incoherent and combative, rolling around on the floor and kicking.  His blood sugar was 36.  After some orange juice and M&Ms and waiting, it came back up and the guy was fine.]

I'm overwhelmed with this EMT class.  It doesn't really work for me to get home from class at 10pm three days a week and then have to get up at 5:30 for work.  Worked out Sunday (elliptical), Monday (C25K week 3) and Tuesday (circuit), so I'm doing OK there.  Taking today off from working out.  Have healthy food prepared and available, so I'm OK there.  The cat has decided that he's going to get better, so he isn't as needy and I'm OK there.

It's worrying about money and my car and not having any down time that's getting to me.  I just got off the phone with the bank about refinancing the house and I'll know tomorrow if I can do it or not.  EMT class tonight, meditation class tomorrow night, EMT class Friday, drill Saturday and then I can FINALLY relax on Sunday.  And then start all over on Monday.  Ugh.  I need to calm down and try to slow down a little.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.

Random Stuff

So I get to see the 50 pounds lost (!!!) thingy from MFP, but since I started with MFP after I started losing weight, I've really lost 63 pounds.  Not complaining at all. I'm happy either way.  I can actually imagine being at or near my goal weight now.  (First goal is onederland.  Next goal is 185.  Ultimate goal is 169, or normal weight. I started at 276.)  The end feels closer than the beginning now.

MFP calories burned is really screwed up.  I just finished C25K week 3, which is 9 minutes of jogging.  I added 4 minutes to that, just to get over 10 minutes of running at 5 mph and walked for about 22 minutes.  MFP says that I burned 295 calories with the walking/jogging that I did.  Compare this to yesterday when I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and didn't work very hard because it was my first workout in a week.  MFP said I burned over 400 calories.  That makes no sense.  Today was MUCH harder than yesterday.  I'm pretty sure I burned more cals today - or really - fewer cals yesterday. Boo.

I read something last week where the person (sorry, I don't remember who) wrote how much easier it is to jog for longer times if you SLOW DOWN.  So I went 5 mph instead of 5.5 - and they're right.  It was easier to do.  It helped that there was a big fan blowing on me, I had fast hiphop music in my ears and American Pickers on TV to distract me.  Last week when I went at lunch hour and the gym was full, I had to leave the fan off and had to watch sports news on TV.  That workout lasted forever!

It's lighter in the evenings which makes a *huge* difference in my mood.  Plus, it's been ridiculously warm and sunny this winter, making me very happy.  Or at least happi-er.  I'm usually in the doldrums in the winter.

E2E Update

214.2 this morning
Waist 35
Hips 48
Thigh 28

Last week:
weight: 216
waist: 37
hips: 48
thigh: 28

E2E Start
weight: 222
waist: 36
hips: 47-1/2
thigh: 28

Loss since E2E start = 7.8 pounds.  Essentially no inches lost, but things do fit better!

I got inspired by my buddy Mir and tried on my E2E clothes.  These are the pants that I couldn't get up my legs 5 weeks ago.  They're size 16 Levis.  I can't close the front 'cause my belly is all over the place.  The smallness of the butt of the pants has pushed the bigness of my butt UP and I have a muffin top in the back, hahaha. But it's still progress!

The other two pairs of jeans I bought in December that didn't fit, well, I put one pair into rotation a week ago and the other pair is going into rotation ... now.  They're tight, but they make me feel good.  And I'm ALL about feeling good about how I look!



Book: fail this week
Support:  I did great for the first half of the week and then stopped altogether.  I figure if I can support 2 of you every day, then I'm doing OK.  I think I missed commenting on one of Mir's posts, sorry Mir!
Exercise: C25K week 3 on Monday, but nothing else.  I'm going to do an elliptical workout today.  I'll do it later.  First, I need to try and get the ATV running while it's still light.  Ugh.
Food:  poor choices, but not huge quantities.  I still had a salad every day and a high protein breakfast.  If I were maintaining, I'd say this week was OK.  Since I'm trying to lose, it's not OK, except occasionally.

I was kind of in a fog this week, but I feel better now.  I'll be more challeng-y next week!


Quote:  Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!


PS, I did end up going to the hockey game last night and had fun.  We talked multiple times about my concerns and left it with no plans to do anything more together.  He doesn't agree with my concern, but understands that I feel the way I feel, period.  The cool thing is that I ran into some folks from work.  I guess they sometimes go to these games as a group.  Now that they know I want to go, they said they'd put me on the invite list for future times.  So there was value in going last night!


Have a good week, all!

Saturday

Hard to believe the last time I blogged was Wednesday.  I'm usually much  more predictable than that.  But it's been a heckuva week.

My cold went mostly went away Thursday.  It was a rough one but quick, thankfully.  I haven't worked out since Monday though.  My food choices have leaned more towards comfort food than healthy food.  Like, um, a piece of cake with sugar frosting.  Grits made with 1/4 light cream and 3/4 water, and butter.  Not big amounts, but not good choices either.  Since this is the rest of my life here, eating like this is going to happen occasionally.  It has to be followed by several weeks of good eating though, to get to 80-90% good eating.

Sparky the cat is home with me now.  I trekked to the vet just about every day this week and was prepared to let him go a few times.  Now that he's not costing me more money every time he breathes, I feel better.  Either he'll get better or he won't.

The first week of EMT class was quite an adjustment.  A full day of my real job that I get paid for, then class from 7-10 three days a week.  Plus all morning Saturday.  One week down, 14 weeks to go.  The teacher is really good and the subject matter is interesting, so it's not all bad.  This morning I learned CPR.  Very useful.

My weight is doing weird things.  I'm at 214.0 today.  (I'll do the E2E update tomorrow.)  After a month of being at a plateau around 220, I jumped down 7 pounds to 213 in, like 2 days.  I kept expecting it to jump back up, but it hasn't ... yet.  That's the fear of all the weight coming back that we all have.  I have a hard time accepting that I might actually weight 213-214.

I met a match.com person last night.  They have this date idea thing where I put, "Wanna go to a hockey game?"  He responded with Yes.  And there's one Saturday night.  All of a sudden I felt like I wanted to meet him before I had to spend several hours at a hockey game with a total stranger.  I mean, what if we couldn't stand each other?  So we had some sushi last night.

Here's the catch.  (There is always a freakin' catch!!)  He's a widower.  His wife died, get this ... a month ago.  That could potentially still be OK if she'd been dying a long time.  And she had been sick a long time - but they didn't know she'd die until a few days before it happened. He wants to get out and meet women (with full permission from his grown kids) not because he's ready, but because he feels he needs to get his mind off "things."  In one breath he said he just wants to hang out with someone, but in the next breath he talked about looking for his other 50%.  Not exactly the same thing, dude.

I feel terrible for the guy.  He's a nice guy and relatively easy to talk to.  But he doesn't even come close to being able to expand his horizon to care for a new woman.  I told him that (nicer though.) - but he didn't get it.  I tried to let him know, nicely, that most women would be cautious since it seemed like he's still letting go.  We left it last night that I'd email today if I wanted to go to the game with him.  The more I thought about it today, the less I wanted to see him again - but I really want to go to this hockey game!  So I emailed him to see what time he wants to meet - if he still wants to go.

A big part of me is hoping he won't answer or will write that he doesn't want to or can't go.  Then I could stay home and sleep!  If he still wants to go, then I'll get to see the game, which will be OK too.  I'll let y'all know tomorrow.

E2E Midweek Update

214.4 this morning, which is up 1.4 pounds from yesterday, but still down significantly from last week.  When I sat on the edge of the bed this morning and saw how far my belly went down my legs, I knew the scale would be up.  I feel and look puffy.

Yesterday I couldn't fill myself even though I wasn't hungry.  I know what it is.  It's stress.  I'm worried about my cat, about how much bills he's racking up that I can't afford.  I'm supposed to pick him up sometime today, except that I have EMT class from 7-10, and I have to wait until the vet calls me, which should happen anytime now (she says, pointedly looking at the phone).  Even without the cat, I'm worried about money.  I've got more going out than coming in and I have to figure out what to do about it.  My rainy day fund will be gone after this month.  And I'm sick - stress - sick - yes, I think they're related!

So yesterday I snacked.  A lot.  A small handful of wasabi peas.  A few pieces of beef jerky.  A cookie.  I wasn't hungry at all, but still ate.  I got wonton soup on the way home and couldn't resist ordering crab rangoon (didn't look at the calories until after I ate it - on purpose).  High reward food that made me want food again in a few hours. Had a few ounces of turkey breast.  Then some cottage cheese.  Food isn't going to fill the feeling inside me, but it's what I tried.

I saw it happening and tried to limit the damage by using food a little - but not too much.  This is when I should have meditated or worked out.  I did neither.

I slept 15 hours last night.  Took the day off work today to try and get this cold to the next stage.  And I started to get my tax stuff together.  The sooner I file, the sooner they'll take my refund, which should satisfy one of my debts and get me closer to being in monthly balance.  I could potentially rent out the master bedroom of my house, or refinance it from 15 years to 30 years.  I'm really hoping I don't have to do either one, but at least I have options.  I guess.  When I did the calculations, I had a cushion.  But every. single. month. last year had some huge unusual cost that I didn't plan for.  Three times it was huge x 2!!  When it's every month, it's not unusual any more!!  The well is dry.  I cannot afford to have my cat push this whole house of cards down!  How's that for mixing metaphors?

Oh well.  Enough of that.  My stomach is growling.  I have a pineapple I'm going to cut into and turkey breast for lunch.

My quote is particularly relevant now, when I'm letting myself be worried by thoughts of disaster:  Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!!

(Then last night my fortune cookie fortune said, "Only tears can bring a dreamer back to earth."  Gak!!?!  What do they know that I don't know???)

We May Not Be Doomed to Regain!

I love Yoni Freedhoff's blog Weighty Matters.  He's the founder of a weight management centre in Ottowa and a doctor.  His philosophy is that the best weight loss method is one that you can enjoy, in contrast with the way many people lose by starving ourselves and torturing ourselves with exercise that we don't like.  If we torture ourselves to lose weight, it's highly likely that we'll go back to our old ways and regain it all.

Here's a quote from his blog, "there is one essential commonality for those who succeed where others fail - if you're going to keep it off you've got to like how you've lost it enough to keep doing it"

He posted something about this recently-published study: Four-year weight losses in the Look AHEAD study: factors associated with long-term success.

Here's the highlight from the top graph (participants who lost more than 10% of their weight at one year).  Forty-two percent kept most of it off for 4 years!

The success factors for long-term weight loss? "Paying attention to intake, exercising, and applying the education they received from their expert research team."

If I ever thought that I'd be able to inhale macaroni and cheese or fettucini alfredo the way I used to, it's time to bury those thoughts and give them a proper funeral!

I Feel Like Crap

It was yesterday afternoon when I realized that the tiredness and everything feeling sore and throat beginning to tickle was the beginning of something yucky.  I lay down mid-afternoon for a while, which just ruined my ability to go to sleep last night.  So now I'm at work feeling like I've been hit by a bus.  I don't get sick often, and I'm hoping that this one isn't too bad.  But it's not surprising with the stress of the last week. We'll see.

I did manage to prepare my food for work (eggy-hot capicola-onion-green pepper-broccoli scramble, 2 hard boiled eggs, red grapes, mesclun salad with feta cheese and spicy nuts).  I also have baby carrots and an apple available in case I have cravings.  Check off that aspect of taking care of myself.

I also brought my workout clothes to work.  I'm going to try and do C25K week 3, which has (2) 3-minute runs and (2) 1-1/2 minute runs.  If I can't hack that, I'll backtrack to week 1 which is 1 minute running, 1 minute walking intervals.  This whole 9 minutes of jogging and 21 minutes of walking doesn't burn that many calories - I want to graduate to week 4 which is 12 minutes of running.  I doubt I'll be able to hack it today though.  I've read that if you don't have a fever, you can still work out when you're sick.  So I plan to.  At least try.

Since I ate the house on Saturday night (I did log everything I ate and it was 2000+ calories), I was curious how I'd feel on Sunday.  Would I have cravings to eat lots more, or would I have a reaction like 'normal' people and want to eat less than usual?  I did crave a bit in the morning, but successfully ignored it.  I ended up eating 1100 calories and not being hungry for more.  I ellipticall-ed for 30 minutes, so my net cals was, like 800 for the day. Success.

Then the scale said 213.8 this morning, which is unbelievable.  No way I lost another 2 pounds.  It says my body fat went up a little to 39.0 percent, so maybe my body is taking muscle to fight the sickness I'm getting?  Maybe the cals I've been eating the last few weeks have been too low and my body was in starvation mode?  Who knows.  I'm just gonna put my head down, look at my feet and keep going forward.  Trying to take care of myself all the healthy ways I can.  Trenches mode, baby!

E2E Update

Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!

Weight: 216.0 this morning, last week was 221
Waist: 37 - but that's after 2 pots of tea and breakfast.  I did see 35-1/2 earlier this week
Hips: 48 minus a little.
Worked on my book 2x this week.  I'll post another book exercise later this evening.
Exercised 5x (2x C25K week 3, 1x circuit training, 1x yoga, 2x Jillian Michaels 30DS level 1), except I worked out twice on Thursday and skipped 3 days.  It's beyond time for me to move to level 2 on the 30DS and I stumbled through about half of it yesterday.
Support: I supported other bloggers and my buddy by commenting.

Many, if not most of us are in a January funk on top of life stuff going on.  I count it as a success when we can maintain - hold on to what we've got in the face of enormous stress.  Since emotional eating is how many of us gained our weight, and life will always throw stressful events at us - when we can take care of ourselves in ways that don't sabotage our health - it is a great, great thing!  In my area of NY, January 27th is the coldest day of the year.  After that, it starts to get warmer.

Update on the banquet last night:  It was a bit of a letdown, but with all the building up I did, there's not much else that could have happened.  It was ... OK.  Nobody took pictures, so I took some of myself when I came home to document what my figure looks like now.

I ate and drank whatever I wanted last night.  Didn't stuff myself, but it's been a LONG time since I've had a roll with butter! 

The wife of a fellow firefighter who I haven't seen since June commented that she didn't recognize me!  She plays ice hockey and asked if I wanted to play.   It sounds like a blast!  But I don't really ice skate, so I passed.

With the scale at 216 this morning, I've lost 60 pounds from my highest weight of 276. My goal for the E2E challenge is to lose 16 more pounds.  Then 15-30 more to get to 185-170.  That feels like too much of a goal, so I'll focus on getting through next week.

EMT class starts tomorrow, 3 nights a week 7-10.  If I can do my job at work, feed myself well, work out 5 times, support fellow bloggers and my buddy on top of EMT class, I'll be thrilled.  Today, I'm making pork tenderloin and black bean stew, boiling eggs, doing laundry and generally getting ready for next week.  I want to "relax" at some point and watch something on Netflix and work out on the elliptical, and then if the past few weeks is a trend, I'll go to bed ridiculously early.

Peace, all!  Make good choices!

Saturday

It's been a hellacious day so far.  It turns out that my cat isn't better.  He tried to pee all night without success, and I ran him back to the vet as soon as they opened this morning.  We had a tough discussion about money, because I can't afford another $1400 treatment (I couldn't afford the last one, but another one would put me under).  We're doing a cheaper option, but if he doesn't get better in the next 5 days or so, I'm going to have to have him put down. The vet says that 99% of cats get better after the first treatment, but sometimes it never ends up working.  She said that when she was younger, she had a cat she had to have put down because they couldn't afford the treatment, which made me feel less bad.  Less like a terrible person for even thinking about it.

OK, the cat is at the vet, which is the best place for him, and the firehouse banquet is tonight.  I need to get my mind off the cat, because there's nothing more I can do, and I've been looking forward to this banquet for months.  I spent a bunch of time today shopping for a camisole.

First,  the last 2 times I wore this jacket, in 2004 and (I can't remember the year).  Maybe it was 2004-2005-2006. I SO wish I still had that white satin camisole:

Next, the default option to wear tonight.  It's a summer seersucker-type thing, but I love the pattern and the colors.

 Next, some things I tried on today, black lace and gold sparkly...

 Another gold sparkly

And finally, after about 5 different stores, the winnah!  It's a metallic weave with small sequins.  Bonus, it was $24, marked down from $80.

I'm exhausted from so much crying and so much shopping.  My plan for the rest of the afternoon is to work out (Jillian Michaels level 1 and give level 2 a shot), then start the showering and primping.  I'm probably going to wear the metallic thing, but if anyone likes the seersucker one better, let me know!

I'll write tomorrow about challenge stuff.  The scale showed 2 pounds less yesterday and another 2 pounds today, to be at 215.2 this morning.  Kinda sudden after such a long period of no loss.  We'll see what it is tomorrow.  Four pounds in 2 days doesn't really make sense.

Peace, all!

Trenches Mode

I'm kindof in trenches mode these days.  What that means to me is that I can't focus on big goals.  I can't make plans that last a week.  I have to just look at the foot in front of me and keep going. 

Deep in the winter dark, I've been going to bed right after I get home.  Ostensibly to "read", but really I fall asleep ridiculously early.  Then I get up late and stumble off to work.

On Tuesday morning I noticed that my cat was straining to pee and nothing was coming out.  An emergency trip to the vet, 2 days of kitty intensive care and $1400 later, the cat is back and now I have to feed him pills.  Ever try feeding a cat pills???  Here's a humorous example that is, unfortunately not far from my actual experience.  It involves a lot of shredding (skin, curtain, anything nearby).

Last night it snowed, and I found myself stumbling through the snow, swearing because it was dark, windy and cold and I don't have a spare $1400 to spend on my cat.  Plus, the day was LONG.  We got a call at 4:30 am, then work, then gym, then meditation class, then pick up the cat - and I finally get home at 9:30pm.  Frustrated, cold and in a pissy mood.  Checked the ATV/plow and it doesn't start.  Again.  Since I'm sure as heck not going to do anything about it at 9:30 pm and I'm exhausted, I once again went to bed right after I got home.

Today it's trenches mode again. 

The good-ish news is that the limited number of things I can focus on includes healthy food.  So I've been eating OK and working out OK.  Focusing on the small things so that I don't get too overwhelmed by big things.  EMT class starts next week, which will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights from 7-10 - through the end of MAY.  Roller derby guy asked me out next Friday, but it looks like I can't go because of EMT class. 

Can't think about it.  Focus on making a pork and black bean stew that will be my dinners next week.  Focus on putting clean clothes into a gym bag that I will have with me so i can work out when I can fit it in.

Peace all!

Book Exercise - Studying the Moment of Hunger Relief

From my study book: Eating The Moment, by Pavel Somov, PhD.

How much food does it take to relieve hunger?

Next time you feel hungry try taking a few sips of water.  Notice whether it relieved your hunger.  Establish the smallest amount of food necessary to make your hunger go away.  Note whether there's a relationship between the size of your hunger and the amount of food needed to quell it.  You may be surprised that even when you're very hungry, a little food may make the feeling subside.  Hunger acts as an alarm more than an indicator of how much food you should eat.

Note:  I do this most mornings.  I get hungry, but drink a tall cup of tea with milk and the hunger goeas away.  The next timeI get hungry, usually around 9-10 am is when I eat breakfast.

E2E Midweek Update - Keepin' On

Scale hasn't moved - again.  At 219.8 this morning.
I feel pretty good about exercise so far this week.  I've pushed myself more and can feel my muscles right now.  I love that feeling!
I'm still eating well.  Or actually OK.  Net calories (including exercise calories) have been good until yesterday when I had 2 pints of beer with the girls after work which pushed me up to 1440 net calories (1700 calories eaten).  I went home after that and went right into bed to "read."  Meaning I fell asleep at, like 8:30-9 last night.

I think MFP is screwed up on how many calories it says I burn.  It's too high.  Advice I read says real cals burned could be as low as half of what it says.  Yesterday I told it I worked out half the time that I actually did to try and get the calories accurate (but then I won't have a record of how much time I worked out ... hmm).

The firehouse banquet is this Saturday.  This is the thing I was preparing for during the CDCC, (and trying to be able to do 10 boy pushups for).  I want to ask you guys for advice on what to wear - I'll post pics of options later tonight or tomorrow.  Here's a highlight:  I'm beginning to appreciate my booty-ness more, so I'm wearing a long, tight, stretch pencil skirt and the maroon velvet jacket that was my challenge clothing for the CDCC.  Just need to figure out what to wear under the jacket (I had a nice white satin camisole, but I can't find it) ...  more pics later.

I titled this post "Keepin' On" because that's what I have to do.  I'm making good choices every day.  Just need to hunker down and continue making those good choices until my body decides to catch up and play along.

My quote:  Thoughts become things ... choose the good ones!

About Average

After I posted my blog post yesterday, I went back to bed and stayed there until mid-afternoon!   It's such a rare treat, but I did it mostly because I didn't feel like doing anything else.  I've got a big case of the January blahs. Now I've got the Monday blahs too.

Weight: 220.2 this morning.
I started an elliptical workout, but only made it for 17 minutes before I decided to skip the rest.

I changed my body type on match.com to About Average.  I was waiting until I got out of obese territory to change away from A Few Extra Pounds, but I'm feeling a little low because roller derby guy didn't turn out (and the other one I met last week that I didn't write about, and the third one that I was emailing with - all didn't turn out). Back to square 1.  Again.  I'm beginning to feel cynical and crummy about the possibilities of internet dating *again* and feeling like I'd rather focus on my real life.  Yeah, I know.  Changing the answer to my body type does exactly nothing - but it feels like a change.  I'll probably change it back.  There are multiple full body pics, so a guy shouldn't feel like I'm being dishonest.  Blah!  Just Blah!

I've got drill at the firehouse tonight and am planning on doing Jillian Michaels 30DS beforehand, after I get home from work.  Maybe that will put me in a better mood.

I am eating blander food than the past few weeks.  Egg salad for breakfast.  Mixed greens salad for lunch.  An apple for a snack.  I've caught myself having the urge to stuff any old thing into my mouth - it's my mood talking.  Not hunger.  Doesn't stop me from wanting food though.

I meditated last night and at lunchtime today.  This time it hasn't made me feel better.  Just made me more in tune with the fact that I'm feeling blah.

It's time to just hunker down and try to get through this without making bad choices.  Hope my mood changes sooner rather than later!

E2E Update 2

Frustrating week, but I brought it on myself by experimenting with my eating this week.  It started last Sunday with a pastrami omelet, then as the week progressed it included an italian mix sub one day, caviar one night, food court teriyaki another day and a piece of pizza Friday and one Saturday.  I logged it all and the calories were fine (totals: 1400, 1116, 946, 1442, 1314, 1847 and 1253 yesterday, before exercise).

I exercised 4 days, elliptical 2x, circuit 1x, C25K week 2 1x. I did strength work 3 of those times.  Note the absence of Jillian Michaels DVD work.  But I *did* work on boy pushups yesterday and I can feel it today.

But still I'm up 2 pounds this week.  I weighed myself this morning, did C25K week 3 day 1, weighed myself again and managed to GAIN a pound.  Now I'm 222.  I'm the only person I know that gains weight working out.  I've been stuck around 220-225 for a month.

First - this may be TOM-related.

Second - all the new foods I had this week could be considered hyperpalatable.  As I was eating, I asked myself the question, "does eating this food make me want to eat more," and answered No to all except the Italian Mix sub (wow! that was good!).  It might have raised my setpoint.

Third - the last time I dieted, I couldn't get below 220-225.  I'm stuck at the same place this time as I was in 2004-2005, last time I tried.

Here's what I'm-a gonna do:
- Go back to blander foods
- Set my daily calorie goal down to 1350 from 1440
- Continue working out the same amount, BUT push myself harder.  Challenge new muscles in new ways.
- Meditate at least 3 times.  I've fallen down on this one.

To make myself feel better, I took progress pics:  (I failed pants shopping at the mall this week because I refuse to pay $70 for pants I'm  only going to wear for a few months.  But then I found the same pants at the Salvation Army for $5.  Ralph Lauren size 16s!!  Score! And a tight Land's End button down shirt.)

For comparison, here I am on November 19th in different tan pants.  They're tight in the pic, but not tight any more.  Even though the weight isn't moving much, my body is changing.

Waist: 36
Hips: 48
Thigh: 28
Number of boy pushups: 0
Book reading: yes, a little.  It seems written for someone in a different place than I am.  I will spend time on it today.
Buddy support: Blog comments.  She's having a tough time with low energy.  I wish I could fix it!

Have a great week, all!!

Try, Try Again

I'm going to make a second attempt to get into the fire brigade at work.  I tried a year ago, when I weighed 269 and I was just beginning in firefighting.  The guy that runs the brigade made some excuse about too many office people, and then promptly started 17 people (NOT including me) through training.

Now I'm 50 pounds lighter.  I've got a year of experience and 75+ calls under my belt.  I'm in the best shape I've been in in 10 years and darnit!  I'm going to try again.

I am SO freakin nervous!  I dread getting the No that isn't a No like I got last time.  I dread getting a No straight out, and I also dread getting a Yes!

If I actually get in, my life is going to get harder again.  A whole new group of guys to work with.  More time doing physically hard things.  If I don't get in, then it will be the death of that dream.  And if he doesn't give me an answer like last time, then I'll be in limbo until I figure out it really meant No.  Urgh.

But there's something in me that wants to try again.  So I will.  Wish me luck.

E2E Midweek Update

219.something this morning which is almost 2 pounds up from yesterday.  I ate fine and exercised fine yesterday, so the only thing it could be is water.  Or maybe I didn't eat enough calories.  Or maybe it was the salt in the caviar.

Did'ja know that a whole (small) jar of caviar is around 140 calories?  Last night's dinner was a jar of caviar, 6 slices of pumpernickel cocktail bread (140 cals total), 1/2 cup or so of sour cream, chopped onion and lemon juice.  It felt so sinful to have caviar for dinner and only added up to 380 calories.  (I give myself free vegetables, so I didn't count calories in the onion.)  It was very satisfying.  I had a Dove miniature for dessert.

I made a special trip to the firehouse and apologized to the chief last night.  Y'all are right - I think he will appreciate that I knew what I said was wrong and made an effort to make it right.  Hopefully that got me back up to zero.   Grrr.

I've instantly become dissatisfied with ALL my work pants.  They're all too big.  I can do the Salvation Army for jeans, but not for nice pants.  I was hoping to wait until I was done losing weight, but who knows when that's going to end - maybe I'll just keep losing slower and slower for years!  I've decided to screw it and just buy a pair or two of Docker-type pants that fit.  Now that I've made that decision, I can't wait to get out of work so I can go shopping at a real store.

And then I can go through the stacks of pants I have at home and get rid of more of them.

Thoughts become things - choose the good ones.

Peace all!

Woe, Woe, Conflict and Woe

I'm being overdramatic.  Things aren't that bad.  Some days it seems like conflict pops up everywhere at once.  Like there's a little conflict virus that blows on the breeze, making bad things happen all over. Like at the beginning of Mary Poppins when something in the air makes everyone mad at each other.

At fire drill last night, the new chief read a list of all the things that were going to change, and it was like all the work I did last year (to try and earn respect) never happened.  All the new officers are older guys that never even came to a single call last year, so they never saw me work on any of the 75 calls I went on.  Example: I was taught how to fill the air tanks and did it many times, but since it was never written down, that means I'm not certified and I can't touch them any more.  I'm peeved that I'll have to start all over.

Drill is supposed to go from 7 to 9, but at 9, they told us to wash the ladder truck.  Then at 9:15 they told us to take the truck out so the floor could be cleaned underneath.  I got annoyed and asked for permission to leave (it IS a volunteer organization after all).  I was in the kitchen complaining to someone about how that's not respectful of MY time - and the chief walked in and heard me.  Oops.  Exactly the opposite impression than what I wanted to give.

I'm going to have to make a special effort to apologize to the chief and tell him that I support him and despite what I said, I'm really a team player.  Ugh.  Starting all over from a hole in the ground is harder than just starting over.  The dude I was crushing on isn't showing up any more.  It's not as fun without him around.

Other conflict-y things that appeared in the last day:
- I sent Saturday dude a nice email on Sunday - and he hasn't answered it yet.  I guess I misread some important stuff.
- Another guy I was emailing with also stopped.  Haven't heard from him since Friday.
- I looked on Facebook and it looks like a friend of mine isn't married any more, which makes me sad.
- The union at my job took a strike vote and may strike this week

Some days it just feels like everything is bad.

I bought a grocery store salad for lunch that had breaded chicken on it - and it didn't even taste good.  I'm sad that I wasted the calories on something that didn't taste outstanding.

There's one positive thing:  I joined the girls for circuit training at lunch and it rocked.  There were 10 stations set up around the room and we do each station for 60 seconds and move to the next.  We went around 3 times.  My core is already feeling it, and it was not even 2 hours ago.

Here's an example exercise:  Plank moving from hands to elbows, up and down for 60 seconds.  yay!  Ouch.

Monday Monday

You can tell I'm feeling pretty good about myself these days, because I find stuff like this amusing...

hahaha

E2E Update 1

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!

Starting:
Weight: 222 (on mom's scale)
Waist: 36
Hips: 48
Thigh: 28
Just started C25K week 2 runs
Been doing Jillian Michaels 30DS workout 1

This morning
Weight: 218.4
Waist :36
Hips: 47-1/2
Thigh: 28

Results:  I didn't actually lose 3.6 pounds since the start was on a different scale and my scale adjusted itself midweek.  My pace of loss has slowed - only 7 pounds last month.  Since that included Christmas, I'm still doing OK.  Continuing at 7 pounds a month will still get me to Onederland by the end of this challenge. Barely.

5 Workouts this week: C25K W2 twice, pushing the speed to 5.5 the second time.  I'm having a little plantar fasciitis from that, so may slow back down.  Yoga class once and elliptical twice.

Calories: 1350, 1183, 1407, 1559, 1507, 1419 before exercise which took 250-400 cals down on the days I did it.

Support: Yes, on more than 3 but not all blogs and with my buddy.  I got busy as the week went on and lost a little momentum with that.

I feel better having my calories higher than MFP wants (1400+ instead of 1200).  It feels more sustainable.  I'm planning on having one big meal today, with a juice later in the afternoon if I'm hungry.

Book:  It arrived earlier this week.
The author says that ANY eating that isn't in response to our body being hungry is overeating.  There are 4 reasons why we overeat: mindlessness of environmental triggers of eating, mindlessness of  the process of eating, mindlessness of sensations of fullness, mindlessness of emotional eating.  To satisfy the needs of the body, the needs of the mind, or out of habit.

He says that mindlessness works for us in many ways, but it's time to focus on mindful eating.  In more depth than the standard advice to slow down and focus. 

He begins looking at the environmental triggers of overeating.  The first exercise: In the week to come, explore your motives behind each eating episode.  After you eat, ask yourself, Why did I just eat?  Was I hungry? Was I triggered by something in the environment?  Did I eat out of habit? Or was it an emotional trigger?  Write it down.

About the date-
The headline: I didn't invite him in.  He picked me up about 4 and we got back to my place around 10.  We were kinda running out of things to talk about.  Six hours of being with him felt a little forced near the end.  He's good looking, thoughtful, yummy and all, and I caught myself wanting to take his hand a few times.  But I held back because I felt like that might be leading him on, since I'm not feeling all melty about him.  After he left, I was happy it was over, which is a sign to me.

Time to go have a pastrami omelet!  Enjoy the rest of all yall's weekends!

Date Night

Thoughts become things - choose the good ones.

219.0 this morning, which is -0.6 from yesterday.

I have a date tonight.

I was casually dating someone in the fall, thinking it would evolve into a relationship, but realized after Thanksgiving that it wasn't going to be what I was looking for.  So I put my profile back online.  This time I felt more confident about myself and tried match.com.  I initiated an email conversation with a graphic designer and we met mid-December.   I invited him to some poetry-type events after that, but he was busy with end-of-year stuff and I halfway wrote him off.  I figured that if he wanted to get together again, it was his turn to do the inviting.

And so he did.  He remembered what I said when we met and invited me to see the roller derby tonight.  He also picked a Japanese/Thai/Korean restaurant for us to eat at.   I LOVE it when I don't have to be the one making all the decisions. And I love that he paid attention and responded to what I said I like.

I'm a little nervous, but trying to remember that this is about me being my authentic self.  If we continue to click, that's great.  But if we don't, that's OK too.  I've been wanting to see a roller derby for years. Worst case, I'll have finally seen one.  There's a Pinterest thing that comes to mind right now:  It's not about finding someone you can live with - It's about finding someone you can't live without.  (No pressure - haha.) 

But really - I've spent so many years feeling like every person I dated was my only shot at happiness that I almost can't remember what it's like to be in a good relationship.  I tried to contort myself into being a good match with people that were great guys, just not great for me.  Not surprising, looking back on it, that I attracted some real winners.  I realized recently that my ex-husband, who I met in 1989, was the best relationship I've ever had.  Why?  Because I was myself.  I didn't care if he liked me or not until it was too late and we were in love.  That's who I want to be again.  Myself.

Anyway.  I asked if he wanted to meet there or pick me up, and he chose to pick me up.  So I cleaned a little bit.  Not excessively, because I'm being me after all.  I don't know if I'm going to ask him in or not, but I do know that I don't want to go, um, all horizontal and stuff.  I've gone faster than I really wanted to too many times.  For me, this is about finding someone that I really want to spend time talking to and being with.  If we jump into bed too soon, it makes it harder to judge if we really like each other and enjoy spending time together.  Of course I'm prone to getting caught up in the moment and did make sure all the important things are clean. 

We'll see how it goes.  I'm not going to promise that I'll let you know the details!  One thing I can say is that I feel SO much better about myself than this time last year, and I think it's attracting higher quality dudes.  Hopefully, the right one will come along one of these days.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Thoughts become things.  Choose the good ones!

I moved the sticky foot on my scale yesterday that had slid out of alignment and my weight went down almost 3 pounds!  Amazing how that happens.  I have no idea which weight was correct, today's or yesterdays - but I'm claiming it, and will continue to track, at least to make sure it's going in the right direction.  Today's weight 219.6 vs yesterday 222.2.  I know it's not real but I feel good anyway. (Until it jumps back up, that is.)

I was avoiding work I don't want to do yesterday by reading blogs and caught up on Matt Stone's blog, 180 Degree Health.  His current post is on stool volume, ie, how big your poop is.  He says that when you're not eating enough, your body will wring every last bit of nutrition out of your food, and your poop is smaller and more dense.  When your body doesn't utilize everything you eat, more of it comes out, ie, bigger, looser stool.  It's more than just how many calories you eat, he says.  It's also about how efficiently your body uses those calories.

I'm not an expert on poop, but that got me thinking.  It seems like when I eat the same things day after day, my body gets better at digesting it.  I can go almost on autopilot with my breakfasts and lunches since they're so similar - but maybe I'm not helping myself as much as I could.  My gut flora are totally acclimated to what I eat, so I'll bet my system is very efficient these days. 

If I make some changes to my daily menus, I'll force my gut flora to adapt.  My digestion will be less efficient for a while, which I think is a good thing.  I'm going to add some juicing and change some other things - I'm still thinking about what exactly.  I think I'll change the timing too - like skip breakfast occasionally and have a big lunch in place of breakfast and lunch now.  Sortof an Intermittent Fasting thing.  Two meals or one big meal instead of three.

The changes won't be permanent.  I'm beginning to think that I want to keep my body on it's toes by changing my routines regularly.  Or maybe ir-regularly!

Concise

I'm going to do my level best to be concise today.

My quote:  Thoughts become things.  Choose the good ones.

Yesterday:
Weight: 222.8
Exercise: after work, C25K week 2, except I sped my runs up to 5.5mph + some leg machines.
Food: breakfast: 3 scrambled eggs/onion/4 oz corned beef got my appetite back under control.  Lunch: salami/creamed cheese/olives. Dinner: cheeseburger+ 2 hard ciders.  Lots of tea, as usual.

Today:
Weight: 222.2
Exercise: hour-long yoga class at lunch
Food: breakfast: 3 eggs/corned beef/pico de gallo mixed up and scrambled, lunch: 4 oz turkey breast, mixed greens salad with sunflower seeds and lite vinaigrette dressing.  Dinner:  probably another cheeseburger

I got really on-the-go last night and made spicy nuts for salad topping.  Also started to make beef jerky (the meat is marinating now and will go in the dehydrator tonight).  I use this recipe for beef jerky.  It's a great, great high-protein snack that keeps well and helps for those moments when a snack is just the thing.  I keep a ziploc bag of jerky in my desk drawer.

Upinthecosmos inspired me to look for local 5K opportunities and I signed up for a local running exchange.  There's races coming up in April/May timframe that I could possibly actually run in.  They have weekly workouts, but the slowest one is 10-minute mile, meaning I'd have to be able to do 6 mph, which is dream territory right now.

Oh well.  Something to work towards.

Midweek Update

This hasn't been a week filled with progress. 

I was really happy when I weighed myself on New Year's Day and found out that I'd LOST weight over the holidays.  But then my weight went up for the next 2 days and now I'm at 222.8. I ate well (below 1400 cals)and exercised, so the gains shouldn't really concern me.  I think that after 35 pounds of loss that happened REALLY easily, I'm going to struggle for a while to notch significant losses.  Since this is a rest-of-my-life plan, not a diet plan, I can't get upset or ignore what my body is telling me.  I'm never going to go back to the way I used to eat.  Just hunker down and focus on living.  Not dieting.  Eating the right stuff, exercising, and not having it be the primary focus of my life.  Practice for maintenance.  The weight will come off - eventually.

A few random thoughts:

Random thought #1: I'm beginning to think that maybe I really don't like pushups.  I'm avoiding them like I used to avoid all exercise.  I think about it.  I think about how pushups will take 30 seconds to do.  And then think ... I'll do it later.  In front of the TV I'll do crunches, situps, free weight exercises, and ball exercises ... but I don't want to do pushups or planks.

I can't decide whether that's a problem or not.  One one hand, I'm doing 30 minutes of exercise most days like I said I would and I'm ramping up the amount/intensity - which makes me think it's OK if I don't like pushups.  I can work those muscles another way.  On the other hand, I wrote that I wanted to be able to do 10 boy pushups by Jan 21.  Silly, silly goal.  Part of why I don't like them I'll bet, is that I'm a complete failure at boy pushups.  I still can't do even ONE.

Here's my plan.  Stop beating myself up over it.  But DON'T stop working on them.  I get around to trying every other day or so and I'll keep at it.  I'll get better at boy pushups.  Just not as fast as I was hoping.

Random thought #2: I'm going back to light cream in my tea.  I switched to half and half a month ago and was thrilled that it's half the calories of light cream.  But it feels/tastes more watery and I'm using more of it. Even with more half and half, it's still not satisfying. So I went to the grocery store at lunch and bought a set of measuring spoons.  I'm gonna measure every portion and enjoy the heck out of the light cream.  Then I'll work on using less of it.  Less of the good stuff is better than more of something unsatisfying.  I feel the same way about cottage cheese and am going back to full fat cottage cheese.  It's SO much more satisfying for the same calorie amount.

Peace, all!  I tried to be more concise than I usually am, but see that this post is long again. Que sera sera.

I Have a Yawning Chasm in My Stomach

Maybe it's because I had Ramen Noodles yesterday, a first in months.

Maybe it's because it's my first day back at work after a week off.

Maybe it's because it's freakin' cold outside!

Maybe it's because I've been so good lately that I went to bed with only 1000 calories eaten yesterday.  My stomach woke me up at 2am with being hungry, so I had some cottage cheese and went back to bed.

Maybe because I didn't have enough sleep last night.

But I've been hungry all day!  I had the same breakfast that I always have, but had to have it earlier than usual.  Then I was hungry again 2 hours later - and had an apple that I'd sliced and cooked with cinnamon.  Then hungry again too soon!  Had my usual mesclun salad with sunflower seeds and feta cheese at 1, and added 4 ounces of rib eye (which should have done the trick, but didn't)

And still, I'm starving.  I'm warming up corned beef, potato and carrots and will have another 400 calories worth, for 1400-ish calories today.  The weird thing is that I've had NO problem staying well under this for the last few weeks.  But today - I can't explain it.

I don't think there's any danger of a binge.  I picked up a package of Little Debbies at the gas station to look at the calories (400.  Same as the Ramen Noodles), but then put them down.

I may have to give myself a planned day of higher eating.  But then again - that's what the entire last month has been!  Protein!  Protein will save me!

Last Day of Vacation - Sortof

I run reports of out-of-spec material for work, which is important for end of year stuff.  So I went into work yesterday to run the reports ... and there was a problem.  But it still took 2 hours to not accomplish anything.  So I went into work this morning to try again, and it worked.  Too bad that I had to get up early early on my last day off.  But I took advantage of it and ran on the treadmill at the work gym (C25K week 2) before I had to pick up my dog from boarding by noon.

So now I'm at home updating my music library.  This is one of those things that consumes hours and hours of time, so I only do it once a year or so.  I use a website called swapacd to trade CDs.  When I get a new-to-me CD I'll listen to it in the car, copy it to either my work laptop or my home laptop, or maybe not.  I've got songs all over the place.  Yesterday I finally decided to put the whole library in the cloud with iTunes match.  That took all day.  Today I'm going through all my CDs, checking if they're in the library, and uploading them if not, which will probably take the rest of the day.  But I'm happy to get my whole music library in one place and accessible from any computer.

I'm thinking about soundtracks.  I've been using Suz's Couch to 5K podcasts (kissmyblackass.org) and LOVE them!  Hiphop isn't my normal listening music, but it can't be beat for running.  It gets me out of my normal world and I can't think about how I feel because I'm busy listening to the music.  Plus, I love the lines about big asses and how great they are ('cause I've got one!).  My favorite song from the week 1 podcast is Low, by Flo Rida (I gotta figure out how to embed this).


http://youtu.be/ZLwvc5Qywzk

I want to go through my small collection of hiphop and see if I can put together a few 30-to 45-minute tracks for workouts.  Possibly buy a few tunes.  My sister got all energized by me being so workout-y while I was there and started C25K herself.  Then she spent 2 solid days putting together some run mixes, starting with learning how to make a mix.  Which got me all thinking that I can make my own run mixes.  So here I am.

I found someone selling a chinup bar on craigslist for $15 - so I think I'm going to buy it! 

Today's tasks:  think about hiphop mixes, possibly buy a chinup bar, make corned beef in the slow cooker, laundry.  Get ready to go back to work.

This morning's weight:  221.8, which is down from yesterday.  I drank a TON of tea, so I think my body let go of some water weight.  It's amazing how not-hungry I am when I'm here at home.  It's easy to wait to until I'm physically hungry to eat.  At my sister's house, I was totally eating emotionally.  Not hungry, but consumed with "what am I going to eat next."  I feel that way at work too, when I'm bored.

I'm rambling now - time to get going!

Happy New Year!

223.0 this morning!  Since I was somewhere between 224 and 226 for the last 2 weeks of December, this means that I LOST weight over the holidays!  I'm not surprised.  I exercised every day that I was in Oregon except the last 2 days and ate pretty well.  The exercise helped me not be as stressed by "family time," and made it easier for me to last a week with family I only see about once a year.  My eating degenerated as the week progressed.  By Friday, I was dipping my hand into the cookie batter!  Glad I managed to start off pretty well and glad to be back home before totally falling off the wagon.

I spent time yesterday while I was trapped in planes or airports to think about New Year's resolutions, about last year and the upcoming year.  (I also spent time being bummed that I'd spend New Year's Eve alone - again.  But Oh Well.)

Last year was tough, but overall OK and ended on a high note.  I joined the volunteer fire department and as the only woman had a tough time getting started and a rough year up until November/December.  I had Lyme disease in June/July and some money issues in the fall that had me a lot closer to the edge than I'm comfortable with.  I had a frozen/broken pipe in January and the whole back of the house didn't have heat until a few weeks ago (which doesn't really work for upstate NY!).  I dated 2 guys, one at the beginning and one at the end of the year, and broke it off with both of them after a few months.  The more I write, the more I remember!  Ugh.  Last year had some real gems.

But what really takes hold is that I'm pretty tough too.  I got into the CDCC challenge in September and FINALLY started to take care of myself physically.  I took a meditation class in October and FINALLY started to learn how to be gentle with myself and started to realize that I'm lovable not because of what I accomplish but because of who I am.  And then I started to figure out who I am and started to re-discover things I used to like to do.  Like art and poetry.

After I started to focus on ME in a gentle, supporting way, other things began to fall into their right places. I'm starting this year with a much greater sense of possibility than past years.  I still need to make some close friends and get more comfortable with the firehouse people, but that is WORLDS ahead of a year ago and will be a focus of this year.  This is the year of ME.  Is it selfish?  Yup.


Resolutions:  I'm already doing ALL of the things that I would resolve.  It started with the CDCC challenge and continues with the E2E challenge. This feels great.  I'm not gonna make any more resolutions than what I'm already doing.

Goals for this year:  I want to get out of obese territory and get to 185 pounds, possibly 170.  I'm going to push really hard to get to 200, but then may slow down.  Increase my fitness level - details will be in E2E posts.  End the year with some strong friendships and possibly, maybe ... hopefully ... in a relationship ... with a boy!

Other 2012 goals: take and complete EMT training (lots of hours Jan thru May) and get into the brigade at work (I tried last year and failed.  I think it's because I was fat).

As it unoriginally says at the end of my match.com profile - Let's Get this Party Started!